Trust issues, please help!! Need advice

jerseygirl40

I need advice. I feel I have no one to ask or talk to because of the nature of it. I feel like I am going out of my mind!!
My husband(my 2nd husband), started getting into weightlifting big time last fall, wanted to lose weight, etc.(kudos to him) he started looking on a bodybuilding forum, as he is interested in bodybuilding. Well, within weeks he started getting up very early 5-5:30am, and I noticed he was getting on these forums(btw forums talk about bodybuilding to porn pics). Having chatted(him too) b4 we met I know how that can be. So I started getting suspcious. But it took me several more months to check into it. He was talking about have he was making "gains' and getting stronger. One day in the car, I asked him if he was taking "help" for his bodybuilding, he told me no.
Footnote: our sex life was pretty pathetic, maybe once a month for the last year prior, he said he didn't have much desire(which was true), but I couldn't help feeling like maybe it was something to do with me.
About March, I KNEW, as a woman and wife does, something was going on!! I suspected chatting, etc at first, given the early rises in the morning. I started asking him if he was chatting,etc. the answer was "no" Then I saw in history some lingerie sites, naked girl in undies and MILF(mommies I would like to f**k) sites. So I confronted him again. This time I was smarter and said "oh, were you looking for lingerie for me?" he said "maybe" I said "bull crap" he Never buys me lingerie, wasn't interested in sex.(he used to when dating). So I freaked. I will admit I pushed and pushed because I wanted an answer to what was going on.

One night, I yelled and yelled and pushed for an answer. He got so upset with me stating he didn't do anything wrong, he wasn't chatting, etc. But he got so upset he came after me and slapped me. He was immediately sorry and apologized, even cried that he would do that(I come from a 1st husband that had a bad temper and had me by the throat,etc.a few times) Still I had no answers, about a week later I said something is going on, maybe it had to do with steriods. He said "what if it did?"...well that is what is was. He had been taking legal prohormones at first(when I asked him in the car and replied nothing), then he did research about the other steriods. He made a huge decision without consulting me,yes its helped with his libido, which is a wonderful side effect, but if he had only told me what he was doing, why, I would have probably been ok with it.
Instead he let me nag and scream about other women, slapped me and could have put an end to it there. Now I don't trust him. He lied, he made a major decision about his health, legalities, etc without telling me. He says he would have told me, wanted to tell me. Now I find myself checking up on him everyday, to see what else he may be lying about. I have found to me inappropriate things on the board(nothing to divorce over), the typical vote on the board hotties, comments.etc. so this makes me mistrust, he has pm's which he tells me is looking for info on bodybuilding. He has a secure email too. I do believe under it all, he isn't doing anything else. But how can anyone know for sure??? But in my eyes, you break a trust, its hard to earn it back.
He is upset with me because I am not trusting him, checking up on him(believe I don't want to, I never felt I had a reason b4 now to check up on him). He says 1 min I am fine, the next I am pissed at him for something he said on the forum about another girl. He says he can't live like this that I am mad 1 min and fine the next. He says now he afraid to click on anything that looks offensive and deletes history because he's afraid I will be pissed at something.(I don't want to live like that either, and I know I don't want to make him feel like he can't do what he wants) But, he is the one that lied. I haven't found anything to divorce him over but I feel like I am out of control not trusting him. I acknowledge I have issues on jealousy. I also just turned 40(don't look it or feel it no one EVER believes I am 40) I know I look damn good, but I feel insecure about myself right now knowing I am getting older. I feel like he was the one person I could trust and he blew that. He wants me to just forget about what happened. He even told me today that maybe I should stop checking his posts and then I won't be pissy. That to me says he's telling me to just let him do whatever and for me to mind my own business. We are married, major decisions are made jointly. I have alot of issues from my childhood and my first marriage and alot of traumatic experiences to go along with it. Maybe that is why I can't let this go. Sometimes I don't trust my own feelings, maybe I am naive. I feel hurt and betrayed by his underhandedness. Also as a note, my husband lost his job in January, is still unemployed and is on the computer a good part of the day, on these boards, which hasn't helped he has so much time on his hands. Any advise would be great. Thanks. Sorry its so long.