[Thinkalot]

I have been fighting very hard to overcome my insecurities, fears and so on when it comes to my current relationship, and life in general, and also to overcome my OCD which has seen me obsess and ruminate over the same things again and again. The main things- my bf's past, the differences between his past and mine, and his ex-wife. I'm not sure which came first...my tendency to obsess, or the insecurity coming from life experiences, my own low self-esteem and so on. Perhaps it is all wrapped up together.

My OCD (obsessing ) is now much better with the help of CBT and medication. Part of my therapy has been working to build my self esteem back up, and to banish my insecurities, by celebrating my own life experiences and achievements. Most of the time now, I do do that, and I truly am happy with the choices I have made, my achievements, and the choices I am currently making.

BUT, sometimes I need a nudge in the right direction and a self esteem boost! Old habits creep in. This is separate from an obsession as such, but obviously has a bearing on my tendency to obsess. The point of this post is to admit this, continue to build my own self esteem, and to hopefully gain valuable insights, and helpful reminders and reinforcement from others. I know the real change comes from within, but sometimes external sources help with that task.

So here are some details, and the background:

Basically, when I met my bf I was confident and secure in my life's choices ( I thought). But it seemed I was threatened by anyone who had experienced things differently to me. So when I realised my bf's past was very different to mine, I judged him, and looked down my nose on his experiences! That obviously was no good...so I started to try and embrace them...but it's like the scales tipped too far the other way...and I ended up questioning my OWN experiences and feeling insecure. It's almost like I began to overlook all I have done, and focussed only on the things he has done, that I haven't done! Then of course, i started to obsess about it all.

Examples: I focussed on school, uni and career and achieved major successes in that arena at a young age. As a result, I did not party a lot, and do other things uni students usually do. My guy was the opposite in that area.

-I also had strong moral beliefs, and used to be quite religious. Therefore I waited till I was nearly 22 to have sex. My guy had sex at 16.

-I dated lots of different people in my twenties, made some mistakes, and had some longterm relationships, and some time single, and travelled extensively, with little savings. I was also a bit of a loner and an individual, with no large circle of friends.

-My guy, in contrast, married young, and settled down in his early twenties, did little travel, and saved lots of money. He had a big social network, and more material possessions and so on.

Rather than embracing our differences and all my individual achievements, I started to feel inadequate, I constantly compared, and things which I had never even wanted in my twenties and younger (such as teenage sex, marriage, possessions) seemed to matter. I worried about the things I had NOT done. Then, I started to obsess about them all.

Now, as I said above, I am in a much better place! I again feel happy with my life, obsess much less,and have more confidence. But sometimes, I still worry, and compare, and look at what I have NOT done, rather than what I have done.

So, any insights, comments on building self-esteem, or perhaps even how you go about embracing your own unique life experiences, without worrying about anyone elses, or falling into the comparison trap?

Thanks. Sorry it took me so long to spit this out!