[gp80]

My GF just told me on Wednesday that she slept with some guy this year but before we moved in together. We moved in together at the end of March. She confessed and says it was a huge mistake and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. That she doesn't want to lose me and that it will never happen again and never happened before. I am devastated and can't bring myself to look at her sometimes. I am an emotional wreck. I go from being angry to crying my eyes out to feeling sick to my stomach. The fact that we live together means there is no where I can go to escape these feelings.

Some background: We have been seeing each other for over two years. We met and things progressed very fast and after about 9 months she broke up with me. She has a lot of emotional issues. She is a rape victim and suffers from PTSD at times. She has never really had anyone care about her. I knew about all this and accepted it when we were started dating. I knew she had a hard life and I loved her anyway. I still love her. I know she loves me but that doesn't seem to matter right now. She broke up with me and I know during those couple months she was with someone at least once, someone I knew and had suspected she liked even when we were dating. When she wanted to get back together a few months later I forgave her for this because we were broken up and as far as I was concerned she could do what she wanted during that time. This is different. I have never done anything but try to make her happy. She repeatedly refers to me as "perfect" as if this is somehow the reason she did what she did, that she couldn't reconcile who she is and be with me. At any rate, she is saying she will do anything. Counseling, give up drinking, never go out without me, anything I want her to do to try and make this work. I believe she is sincere but I don't know if I can live with the images in my head. I get so angry I want to throw up. I am a very logical, fair minded person and what she did is the worst thing anyone has ever done to me. She told me and that counts for something. She says she told me because she knows she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and she needed to tell me. I always knew it was a possibility because she goes out and gets drunk and has a lot of guy friends of questionable character, not to mention all the mental and emotional trauma she has, but I never thought she would actually do it after all we worked through. I guess that is my fault. My friends would all tell me she is damaged goods and I should just run but I empathized with her as I suffer from clinical depression and have my own issues. I told myself they didn't know her the way I did. She is the only woman I have ever truly loved. I am so hurt I don't know what to do. I always said that the one thing I would NEVER tolerate was to be cheated on and I even told her a couple times when things were not so good that I didnt care what she did but if she was going to cheat on me then break up with me first. Dont do that to me. She says we were having a rough time and she was feeling like she didnt want to live and didnt care and just wanted to feel something. She says being with me makes her think about all the things wrong with her and that ****ing this guy let her forget about all that. She says she is not making excuses, she says she knows she hurt me more than anyone ever has and has been crying, pleading with me to give her a chance to make things right. She is setting up counseling for us to attend and says she will do anything and that she loves me and can't imagine her life without me. How do I reconcile this with my own ultimatum I always told myself about cheating. If I get cheated on I'm gone. Its black and white. But yet I still love her and I can't imagine my life without her either. I was going to marry this girl. I feel like my whole life has been completely shattered by this. I cant think about anything else. I can't enjoy myself. Its a 4 day weekend and I just want to be unconscious. I dont give a **** about the holiday. About seeing family, about being at the beach. I can't imagine myself being able to have a good time. I can't believe she did this to me. I don't know what to do. Do I throw away everything we have/had (or did she already do that when she ****ed this guy) or do I try to forgive her? Has anyone else been in my situation? Were you able to get through it and trust and love her again? Did it work out? I have read that relationships can become stronger after something like this but to be perfectly honest right now it doesn't feel that is possible. I don't know how I can ever trust anyone again.