[beautifulearth83]

I don't really know how to begin this post. I just know that I really feel like I need to say something. I used to think highly of myself, feel ahead of the game(or at least in alignment with it), I used to feel like a good person, righteous, noble, I used to feel like I could accomplish anything, like I could figure anything out, I used to the innocence in myself and others, I used to be unaffected by negativity and insults, or would at least be able to use them to my advantage, I used to have focus and moments of creative sanctuary. But now all I have are other people's voices buzzing in my head. All I have are things that I've done that I'm not proud of. I have loose ends and unfinished projects and ideas. I have questionable relationships and friendships. Incomplete thoughts and confusing, contradicting ones at that. Everything seems so scattered. I used to feel like I was heading in this certain direction. I felt the glory, I enjoyed the ride, there was something inside that I was sure of. I was funny and random without a hesitant breath. It just seems like it came to a point after graduating college where who I was became completely out of my hands. Where I did things I wasn't proud of but didn't know how to make up for or fix, change. I started to feel more incomplete and undeserving of things that I enjoy and love. I started working jobs in the "real world". Came across people I allowed to influence me and control me. Started to feel less like and observer and avoider of the corrupt in this world and started to feel part of it. Now I feel like a ghost. I don't talk nearly as much anymore. I don't know how to connect with people on a social conversation level. I feel like I've heard and seen it all before. No sense of wonder and newness. And so most things I do in my life lately I've noticed I do for some sort of clean slate, fresh start. I have moments of clarity and bliss and joy that I am thankful for, but they don't seem to last. In the past, if I had those moments, I would see beauty in them and experience them as they are and move on through with a no big deal sort of attitude. I would look for the good in things. There was something about me that was persistent and compassionate and brave. Now I find it hard to be something consistently. I constantly change my mind about certain goals. I used to seek love and dream of having a girl. I used to do thing for the joy of doing them and not have a part of me that doesn't allow me to experience it thoroughly. I can't make goals because they fall apart. I haven't felt like myself in so long. I feel such a resentment toward other people. I feel like I've learned most of the problems I've had from others. I never had an anxiety attack until somebody told me what it was and complained to me about how they were having them. I never spoke or thought cynically until others drowned me with their cynicism. I never started judging myself until others judged me. I never satisfied my ego until others flattered me as a tool to bring me down. I feel damaged and worn down. I feel corrupted. There is so much of me that blames myself. There is just so much suppressed in me. I just want to have fun and be creative and enjoy life. But there is always this lingering doubt and these glitches, mental noise, unclear thinking, there is something very not fluent about my thinking. My mind feels like all these mixed up connections, zapping and going into flames. I've meditated, I've had sex, I've taken medication, I've heard the advice. The truth is that I don't need anything. I have too much, yet nothing I feel I can call my own. Thanks for reading if you did. I never used to be a downer, and could never stand one. I guess I have become one. I guess I have washed up onto the shore of spikey, bitter cynics and know-it-alls. Life would be so much more enjoyable for me if it wasn't for myself. I said that because it feels true and because I thought it was kind of clever. Anyway, thanks and peace.