[Little_Miss_Love]

My boyfriend who wants to marry me, and introduces me as his fiance, when we're not engaged... often looks like he's took at least 6 xanax / somas. He used to be a heroin addict and is now a pill head.

We've been together and lived together about a year and a half. I've helped him improve his addiction problems. He tried going to a rehab, but now since we have a 7 month old, he won't go back. He always says he's "fine" or he didn't take anything .. or always comes up with an excuse!
There have been 1,000's and 1,000's of lies. So many times he's pushed me to limits I've never gone before. Like being in an outrage when I found he was trying to hock my other daughter's golden diamond heart necklace that she got for her 1st Valentine's day along with my other gold jewelry. And he's stolen from me.

We live together now in his father's house, in his niece's room. He works now with my father and messes up everyday that my father always calls and yells at me. We haven't had a car since the day I came home with the baby from the hosptial. He was loaded on xanax and totalled the car. Since she's been born he's 'tried' to get heroin, he is on suboxen and all the money he makes goes to his dr's visits and suboxen scripts. We have no money for ourselves or the baby. I have 2 other children that I'm fighting custody for. He does good for a fair amount of time and then screws up again. And he always lies about EVERYTHING! But I know he IS trying! But I'm afraid living in this house isn't helping at all. And we only have til September to find a place, or else we're homeless.

I don't know what else to do. I know only HE can change HIMSELF. And he has to WANT to. He does, but he always says.. "I don't know why i do the things I do. It's not done intentionally to hurt you"

I've been to NA meetings with him and supported him for about a year now in and out of the rooms. I try everything I possibly can, and I feel like I'm never gonna be happy here. but he always insists he's getting better and that if me and the baby were to leave than that would be "it" for him!

I do love him dearly , if u met him he's the sweetest guy with such good manners, but BAD BAD bAd character defects!!!!! He hardly ever raises his voice, he'd never lay a hand on me, he has hardly even said anything bad to disrespect me, and ALWAYS praises me to other people!! Always talks of me like I'm a Queen and he's blessed by god to have me. Yet, he has a short fuse, bad work ethic, horrible motivation, spends the little money that we need to save up for scratch offs and coffee (when we have coffee home) and candy, and ice cream (every week). every little thing ADDS UP!! We hardly have any money for food. And I have to give me and the baby's food stamp money to feed the whole house of 7 people. It's all gone within 2 weeks. I don't touch any money.. all I do is try to save. I've gone far and beyond for him even on father's day and other holidays. All I ever get is a card or two, maybe three. Then he always has an excuse i got u this.. but then this happened, I wanted to get u that but it was chipped and I'm waiting for another shipment of it..
I feel so unappreciated.

I have no family and have no where to go. His family has become my family. And I know his condition has indeed improved tremendously!!! It feels like the sliding upward scale he's riding is slow as SH*T.. I feel like I'll be dead before he's gotten the right amount of recovery he needs.

I am So torn! I found out I was pregnant and stuck around to help him because that's the kind of person I am. I want my daughter to have a father that she can look up to.

I feel trapped in this tiny room in the house with no way of getting out and the baby's so attached to me, I can't go anywhere without her! I can't even work!!

I just don't know if I can stick it out any longer. I tried to leave him once and his mother came over and begged and made me stay. She even took my phone from me so I couldn't make any phone calls.

I'm trapped with no freedom to figure out just what I wanna do. He makes me happy.. and then he rips my heart apart.

I'm losing my mind. And I really don't have anyone to talk to. I need to stay strong in the meantime for myself and these 3 little girls of mine. But, it's just SO hard!!!!

Lost & In Love