[ai75]

Hi all. I left my job last August and started soul searching. Went on a mini-sabbatical to Europe with my buddy from high school - Netherlands then Italy, 1 month total.

Small seaside town, having drinks at the only bar in town. Two attractive girls join our table (some guy we met invited them over). One saw me earlier, said "Hi" VERY flirtatiously... I'm shy by nature so I said "Hi" and kept walking. Once they sit, she hits on me without mercy... turned me off. I started talking to her friend, some guy they met there is also with them.

We all leave, sit on some giant rocks by the sea, and her friend kisses me. We go at it heavily for a good while, its really late, she asks that my buddy and I to join them the next day to a new city. We agree, she stands me up at our meeting point the next morning, we run into each other at the train station and off the 4 of us go... 10 days all over the country. BJ the next night (says she's at the end of her cycle), sex the rest of the time. Amazing time. Her friend is not interested in my friend but they get along.

She falls for me pretty hard, sobs as we part and says she wants to see me again "soon" (I'm in SoCal, she's in Vancouver). At that point it was a fling for me, but I did like her and said "sure, why not?". We stay in touch, she schedules a flight for the next month and now it gets interesting...

1 week before she arrives my younger brother (21 y/o) has an unexpected cardiac arrest due to a heart defect we had no idea he had... we are best friends. I leave Cali to be with my fam for the next 6 months. I inform her, she is a nurse, we talk every day, more and more each day (up to 10+ hrs) for the first month (skype video chat). My bro was in a coma in that time, we were told there was no shot, amazingly he awoke (with severe brain damage). Over that time I bonded with her like you wouldn't believe and tell her that I want to be with her... she's ecstatic and says that is all she ever wanted.

I ask the worst question ever... "did you get with anyone in our time apart?". She lies, its obvious, then confesses. I was hurt, then I learn it was a bar makeout with a random guy she barely spoke to, 3 days after I told her about my bro and her first night off work and at the bar... this after many heart-felt convos in which I told her how lucky I was to have her and she says she's been looking for me her whole life. I'm CRUSHED.

Now the madness... I ask about her past (yes, I know better now)... boyfriends one after another her whole life (4), with hookups and sex in between, sexually active since 15. Last bf was a 6.5 yr relationship and been "single" for just over a yr... In that time she was with ~20 different men (orig. 8, then more, more, more). Supposedly sex with only 2, oral with 4, rest were handjobs (do those even exist at this age? she's 28 btw) or makeouts. She is very kinky in bed btw. I also come to find the last guy she was with (sex) was a 20 y/o metal band drummer, short order cook. She says "I went after all those guys", "I'm a go-getter, I see something I want and I go get it", "I didn't want a bf", "I have no regrets, I wanted to do it and learned alot in the process", "I was drinking too much in that time period and have always needed male attention and cannot be alone", "I'm different now and will never go back", "I realize I was easy"... many valid points but...

Our relationship dragged out 7 brutal months (for only 1 month after I returned home) but we managed to see each other every few weeks, a week or so at a time (couple SD trips, 1 Vancouver trip, she even came to meet my fam once). She flirted heavily with other (random) men when we went out, constantly scanning the room, disclosed all our relationship info to her ex (6.5 yr relationship guy who had been waiting for to "find herself" and hoping she would come back to him the whole time) and spoke to him every couple weeks. When we were apart she would bring up interactions with men on her nights out... "he was trying to get me to leave with him", "some girl made out with this guy while I was talking to him", "all these guys are hitting on me", "I saw this guy checking me out all night so I went over and asked him why he's so shy and talked to him all night... he kept getting in my personal space", etc. AND she also lied to me about STD testing before we had unprot sex, luckily she was clean.

The entire relationship was toxic - I verbally abused her for the random bar hookup, her past, her flirty behaviours, her baggage: "slut", "pedafile" (for the 20 y/o), "bar whore", "you're the reason guys go to the bar", "willing, able and easy", etc. I was so emotionally unstable at that time - her, my brother, a career transition. These are NOT excuses for my behaviour, I deeply regret my viciousness towards her... I did not know any better. I didn't have the strength to leave her nor could I get over the issues at hand.

I finally left her last month after she told me "I ran across the bar and grabbed this guy's cool necklace, didn't see his wife next to him and she was pissed". I felt this was over the top, not the way I want any gf of mine to behave and the last straw. My life has been a mess since, I'm very depressed. My bro has made an amazing recovery but is permanently disabled and must live with my parents. I also have not worked since August and nearly out of money (6 months with my fam for support, only leaving visit her, returned to Cali last month).

Just before we split she finally decided to take a break from talking to her ex b/c she needed closure and baggage wasn't appropriate in a relationship (I told her this from the get go). Also said that she "doesn't mean to be flirty but can't change overnight... give her some time", "I'm just bubly, outgoing and a total extrovert". Says my issue with her flirtatiousness is me being insecure. I have received extensive therapy and I know I have more issues in life right now than just a relationship. I know that her past is none of my business, I volunteered to hear it... and boy was it UGLY. We should take people at face value, not judge them on the past.

I deleted her off facebook b/c I was looking at her profile every day, not healthy... she then calls me to ask why (we didn't speak for a month since the breakup b/c she told be never to call her unless I wanted to get back together, we can't be friends b/c she likes me so much). Tells me "You never liked me or you would show compassion and understanding and see that I'm trying to be a better person for the sake our relationship". Without me asking says "Don't worry I don't want to get back together", "I'm so much happier now". I can't blame her, I beat her up with words.

There are a few more significant details, but this is turning into a novel. However I would like thoughts re: her behaviour since we officially became a couple. I know mine were unacceptable, unable to react in a healthy way. I care for her deeply. We are a great fit, enjoy many of the same things, have similar philosophies on life, children, etc. She was there for me in my weakest moment, is very loving when we are together, she is cute and thoughtful... I could see a future with her. I just feel that too much damage has been done and that no self-respecting person would wait for someone to learn how not to flirt... she's 28!! Wait for her to drop her baggage. Wait for her not to need male attention above and beyond our relationship. Am I being uncompassionate? rigid? overly demanding? There's an amazing amount of potential between us... I think the fundamentals are not there - no room for baggage and flirting. Trust and respect are non-existant. Thoughts?