[rainbowluv_obsessed]

[[FYI: I did post this in another forum and no one was replying so I thought maybe this does belong under this section of Jealousy and not self improvement. eh.]]

Ok, I know this is going to sound really stupid and confusing but I need this off my chest. And I just want this pounded into my head, and why i am thinking this and me thinking it isn't enough is bc I know eventually I'll just either forget ir or if I do write it in my journal then to me I will lose my strong sense in it and then start doubting it. So I figured if I could just get people to help me, to pound it in my head, to give me strong meaning behind on how ridiculous it really is and to see different points of view then the imprint in me will be stronger.

Alright so enough rambling. Here's what I'm talking about....
My SO and I had some problems with his ex girlfriend in the past. CRAZY and very spiteful bitter ex girlfriend at that. And long story short I've been really sensitive towards the whole deal with what she did and the S**** talking and having her friends gain up on me, etc. Fast forward about 6 years later and the S**** talking is still going on. 3 years ago she pulled some stuff on myspace and called my SO at work one day and just hung up on him. Fast forward to now and she's checked my myspace out and tried talking more S**** in her friends comments. (I know she has looked bc I have a tracker on it). Anyways,

so before I move on to the next part, here are some facts about me: 1.) I dropped out of HS my sr. year bc I had really bad panic attacks and I couldn't take it anymore. 2.) I lost all my friends then 3.) I fell into a deep depression 4.) I don't work and I'm scared to go to college bc of my social anxiety 5.) I don't drive. On the PLUS side 1.) I've been diagnosed as bi-polar and i see a doctor regularly for it and I'm on some very helpful medication. I still get down every now and then and get less motivated and I still have social anxiety to an extent but all in all i am doing really good. I really want to improve myself. Get over my fears and be the person I want to be. and 2.) I have never felt so loved as supported as I do now. I love who I have in my life now and I don't run from them like I did before when I isolated myself from everyone.

*sigh* OK! So now that that is out of the way... my true problem that I need to be told how silly this is is the fact that I am afraid of running into his ex. Yes, even after all these years I am afraid. Not bc I think she'll beat my a** lol, oh god no but I'm afraid of all the judgment and ridicule and criticisms her and her friends would place upon me. Like I said after all these years she is SO QUICK to try and start talking about me. And after my not so successful past I am really sensitive by it. She has a car (a porche, she's 22), she has her own place, she's going to college for nursing classes, she has a job she loves, she has so many friends (though I do love my friends, I'm still just easily jealous bc her and her friends are doing things I want to do but yeah... I don't bc I let other things stop me I guess. Like for one example I don't drive) and she had a baby and is still skinny. I had a baby and I gained weight. And according to her I am just fat and bald. (bc I have really thin hair and of course I am ugly. Blah blah blah.)

My husband is great. He's very mature for his age (24), I have no doubts in him cheating on me, I trust him, he truly hates his ex so I'm not worried there, he knows about how I feel towards her and the situation and he tries to make me feel better. he isn't mean towards me about it or anything. He's very understanding. So like I said this is ALL ME!

And I think.... ok, if I was happy I wouldn't have this problem. If I was confidant I wouldn't care. But I'm not and I don't know what to do. I know I shouldn't compare myself to her but it's hard when I have been hurt by the things shes said before and I know it's all true. Also, what really gets me is is the way I think like this: If I ever do get over my social anxiety enough so I can force myself to take a class (which would make me feel better) I also am afraid of running into her all bc of what she would think of me (things that are true). I want to go to the Gay Lesbian Bi Pride Parade and I know they go there every year and again, I am afraid to go bc I don't want to run into them. (her and her friends). I don't want drama, I want to be done and over this stuff, my voice in my head isn't helping.

I have every chance of running into her wherever I go. All of my friends have run into her, now I'm just waiting for my turn. (not that I want it *knock on wood*). Anyways, so yeah, I have a lot going on in my head right now and I'm not sure of what all I should write here so if something doesn't make sense or there are any questions I will be more than willing to answer them and be honest.

Thanks in advance to anyone who can give me a good head pounding. I know I really need to get that loose screw out.