[blue42]

i live in NYC. i like to go out to bars and clubs. i like to have fun and get drunk and smoke weed occasionally and dance on tables and be with the girls and not have to think about being home at a certain time. i have definitely done my share of pills and powders in my "rave" years and was not an "addict" but have not touched any of it in about 2 years. i work really hard and have a great job in the fashion industry that promotes glamorous parties where fabulous people hang out till the wee hours of the morning.

I'm having the time of my life.

Then I meet him...he is handsome and makes a lot of money and is funny, and great in bed and owns his own place and does yoga and is charming and SMART. so f***ing smart...i learned so much in the past 4 months of knowing him. I find out he is 5 years sober from sniffing oxys, i'm cool with it. i went to an NA meeting at his request to see what it was all about. We reminisce about how it felt to get fkd up and all the good times we both had with our friends way back when. he treats me better than anyone i have been with. he wants a future with me and tells me openly how crazy he is about me.

the problem you ask? HE DOESNT GO OUT (for obvious reasons). he likes to have a routine. i am now sober ALL the time around him...weekends especially. my life has been put on hold. the fun that i was having has now ended. i cant be THAT GIRL who gets wasted around her sober boyfriend!! the horror!!! it makes me crazy. i feel totally suffocated. SURE i can have a drink if we go out with friends or family for a birthday or event and he actually encourages it (but in small doses), but it is not the same. there is no drunk s*x at the end of saturday night with him, no bloody marys with sunday brunch the next day...JUST the eggs benedict please! hold the vodka.

i think to myself it could be worse, he could still be using and treat me like sh*t like every other guy i have dated (who in fact have used recreational drugs and or sold them...just saying)

where do i get off complaining? but its HARD. is there anyone out there who understands what I am going through? who has shut down that part of themselves for someone totally committed to their recovery? who secretly wants to just go out and get whacked like the rest of your friends because you cant do it being in that kind of relationship?

listen i know some of you will hate on me and say i am selfish and what not, and "how insensitive"....i dont want to be judged i just want to relate to anyone who understands what I am feeling.

recovery is a beautiful thing. it is the hardest test of human strength to suppress something much bigger than yourself...to fill a hole in your being with love and not drugs to feel complete. i respect those who are fighting the battle and actually winning it a day at a time.

i just need some peace with this.

thanks for reading.