[panic]

I think that writing my thoughts down may help me deal with this pain. It's hard when you know that your are in a bad relationship. A position that you would tell anyone to run from, yet you can't leave it... that's me.

I've been in a relationship with this guy for over 5 years. He hasn't had the best run with relationships. He's had 2 broken marriages... both times he cheated, but was left for someone else. I started a relationship with him during his last marriage. I knew it was wrong but his wife and him were having serious problems so I somehow justified everything in my head. We had been dating for a couple years when he got divorced. Things were a little rocky for those 2 years. He repeatedly felt bad and tried to break it off, but always came back.

I guess it's important to say that we work together. We travel 45 weeks out of the year. We spent every second together. I know this would be rough on most people, but it just seems to work for us... we have the same interests, we both like being together, we have the same friends. I even moved into his house with him.

But he has some deeper issues. He's insecure, and always trying to hide what he is doing. I know of several occassions where he made plans to cheat on me, but never went through with it. I'm scared to leave over breaks because I'm scared something may change between us.

Recently he was getting really moody so I decided to go home for 5 days. I later found out that he met a stripper and started hanging out with her. They talk on the phone at least once a day and he e-mails her. I don't think they have a sexual relationship (yet), they are just friends but I don't know. When I tried to ask him about it... he got mad and denied it. He said I was just being too paranoid and overbearing. I left for a few days. Probably the hardest 3 days of my life. I was miserable. He seemed to miss me, but wouldn't admit it... I somehow just came back to the house but wasn't sure of what was going on.

So here I am. This guy treats me bad half the time, and is nice the other half. He's like that with everyone. He doesn't like the way he looks so he's been on this drastic diet. He blames me for everything that ever goes even slightly wrong.

Here's the difficult thing. We work together. He's my boss. If I'm not with him, I'll be in absolute hell at work. I love my job more that anything. I've been here for 6 years and wouldn't trade it for the world. This guy.... I love him more that I have ever loved anyone. I would almost accept that he wants to date other people as a trade off for just being honest of what's going on.

He doesn't get along with his family. He doesn't really have any friends that aren't using him for something. It's just me. Someone that would do ANYTHING to make him happy. Someone that accepts his faults and loves him through the toughest of times. Everytime I see him searching for someone or something, I just want to hit him over the head and say "look over here... you already have everything."

I know I should just leave. See how things go and hopefully let him see what he has, but I hate the games. I know he loves me, I just think that he'll never be faithful. He can't love anyone if he can't even love himself. Yet all I want is for him to hold me. I'm scared to be alone. I don't know anything without him. My whole life revolves around him and how he's feeling at the moment. How do I get through this?