I found out that she was unfaithful in the past... I'm falling apart.

Tahoe_insomniac

I guess Im writing here for a couple of reasons....

firstly I need help. I really need advice and perhaps some empathy from people who may have been or might be going through something similar.... secondly, I need the therapy of spilling my guts and hoping that I can be heard because Im hurting so bad right now... I would do anything to get rid of the pain.

Its sunday now..... last tuesday I found out my girlfriend had cheated on me.

We have been together for just over 2 and a half years. She is 20 I'm 25.

We have had the most loving and dedicated relationship. We have shared everything, travelled all over the world together. She is as much a part of my family as I am and I am fully a part of hers. We are in love. We are still in Love. For the most part we have had a completely blissful relationship.... I still get butterflies in my stomache with excitement every time she walks into my view.

We have always had a long distance relationship - the closest we have ever been has been an hour away in the car... but we managed to get together more often than most couples I know who live in the same town. Everything about us was fantastic. Emotionally and Physically.... everything has been fine. I used to see friends of mine in cheating relationships and really pity them... we were so far removed from being one of those couples .... it has come as such a shock that we have ended up in that state.

Because I love her with all my heart and soul I would do anything to make her dreams come true.... I would die for her, to protect her from anything... without a moments hesitation. When she said she wanted to study abroad for a year.... I was never going to stop her. Never ever.... it was a dream and although I was dreading being apart I would never stop one of her ambitions from coming true.

So off she flew to america...and its been tough but we got through it... speaking every day... emailing... writing.... phoning. She has been away since August and its Mid december now... she has just arrived back home for the holidays... and when she arrived back we just couldn't let go of each other... holding... huggling ... kissing.. everything was all good!

SO WHAT HAS HAPPENED?....

Well, on tuesday we got back in from a party and she fell asleep on the bed... while she was asleep I looked on her mobile phone at some of the photographs she had taken.... and thats when I found them.... photographs of her and another man together.... not just together... but the dirty **** had taken photos of them actually having sex.

Can you imagine how horrid it was to find out like this... ? and to see those pictures... which believe me, flashback into my mind every few moments. Its right up there with walking in on your other half actually doing it.

Thing is... I could have understood if she had had a moment of weekness whilst far away abroad... but the photos were dated 4 and a half months before she left to go to america... so this was while everything was 'normal' between us.

So I calmly waited until she woke in the middle of the night ... and then I asked her for the truth... when I asked her what the photos were about... she had no way out... she was caught... and so all I got back from her was a look of fear and dread in her eyes that I never want to see again. She explained she had met the man, a pilot, at an airport hotel where she worked on the bar and that she had turned to him in a period where she didn't feel particularly cherished by me. This was when I had just lost my job and was putting a lot of energy into getting a new one.

She explained that the whole thing had lasted for a few weeks and that sex had only happened twice. She then when onto say that she decided she didn;t want it to continue as she realised what I meant to her.

I suspect she may be lying about how long it went on for. I asked her for some answers... one question was 'when was the last time he was in touch'? she answered June, but when looking around her room I found some airline tickets her had given her as a momento (so she says) dated august. Apparently he sent these to her by post. I then found a birthday card with a cartoon of a girl in a bath... it said "I thought this was apt as everytime I see you, you always seem to take a bath!" EVERYTIME??! How many times... it certainly sounds like more than 3 times. She told me that it was her excuse for being late to see him on occasions as she had taken a bath before hand. She only has a shower in her appartment!!!!

What upset me the most though is that she had kept these momentos of the breif relationship they had.... and especially seen as though she kept the birthday card in her travel bag for america (even though it arrived nearly 2 months before she left)... she claims she forgot it was there.... but it was right next to her passport and visas... she must have known it was there.

Perhaps the worst thing is that in the photos of them having sex (again which she kept!!!! why??!) there was no condom... and that puts me at risk.

She wont even let me touch her without wearing protection... and we have been together for so long..... so why is he allowed? Or was she drunk? I don't know.

In her organiser there were dates she had marked down to go and meet him in places but she claims that most of the time she never ended up going because her conscience/ love for me stopped her. But I found hotel dockets in an old bag from at least 2 hotels and directions to another.

Now, Im nobody's fool.... I know what most people will tell me that I should do... and I know that I should dump her..... but I love her. I love her with all my heart,,,, and although its not an excuse I understand that in somepart I must have been responsible if she ended up running to someone else.

But.... it is so so so easy to forgive someone you love with all your heart. Its the forgetting and the rebuilding of trust that is the hard part. She stayed out last night with a friend... but got flustered on the phone and hung up when I asked if I could speak with her friend for a moment.... I admit I was checking her story. So now my head is spinning about what she may have kbeen up to last night. I think she owes it to me to help put that trust back... even if she isn't happy about being checked up on.

I guess what I need to ask is..... will we be able to carry on our relationship? She wants to ... and I keep coming back to the fact that she did decide to stay with me and end the brief affair. I just wish I had never found out so things could be back to normal now. I tried to leave herthe otherday but I didn't really want to and she became hysterical about us not being together, so it was easier (and what I wanted) to fling my arms around her and say I would stay and try.

A couple of friends who I have confided in have said what I expected... that it will never be the same again... etc etc... then they told me a lot of cliches... and I know they are telling me what I should do... to dump her... but if you have been in this position you will understand that its not that easy when you love someone.

She is due to return to the states at the end of january, but wants to quit her course and stay in the UK with me to be together again. I realise thats a massive commitment from her and I shouldn't take it lightly.

I am so lost right now... and to be honest could go to bed and sleep for a month just because its easier than dealing with life. If anyone has any advice on how to get through this (either with or without her) please help me because I am falling in pieces. I really need her and I love her... but Imnot sure if I can allow myself to be treated like this. I have told her EVERY day how much I love her... and I do mean that... I have always shown her my feelings. I guess at one point I didn't do a good enough job.

I just wish I hadn't found out.... (especially in the way that I did!) because if she is now committed to me and this was in the past it wouldn't make any difference to our future together... but now I know... it may have to change everything.

Please help if you can. I feel really alone on this.

Thank you for hearing me.

x