[Something Blue]

I’m not sure where to start, but I need some input from people outside my relationship.

My husband and I have been married for about 4 months, together for a total of a little over 4 years. I am 22 and he is 24.

About a year ago, I was involved in an emotional affair with a man I met online. I never met him in person, nor even talked to him on the phone, but regardless, we developed feelings for each other. After much turmoil regarding problems we were having within our relationship and my interest in this other man, I was doubting my relationship with my fiancé. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of telling my fiancé about my doubts and my involvement with this other man. Of course, he was devastated and begged me not to leave.

After much soul searching, I decided that my relationship with my fiancé was more important to me, so I cut off all contact with the other man and rededicated myself to our relationship.

My problems today stem from all of this, as you might have guessed. It seems as though I can no longer discuss relationship issues with my husband. He seems to get angry if I bring up any issue regarding our relationship that I’m having a problem with. Particularly if it involves intimacy, romance, passion, etc. Mind you, I seldom bring up these types of issues, but if I do, he clams up and refuses to talk.

He has done this more than once now, and the other night I finally found out why. We were lying in bed watching television before going to bed and I snuggled up to him. We rarely snuggle, so I just thought it would a nice thing to do at the time. First he says it’s too hot, then that he’s too tired. So after a minute or two, I said fine and rolled over to my own spot. I didn’t really understand what was so physically taxing about snuggling with someone, but I didn’t have the desire to make an issue out of it at the time so I let it rest. After a few minutes, he asks me if I’m mad, and I told him no. He continues to prod further until I finally tell him that I'm not mad, I just don’t understand his reasoning behind not wanting to snuggle. Instead of discussing the issue, he immediately gets pissed off, says some rather mean things, and rolls over to go to sleep. In the end, I go to bed mad not because he didn't want to snuggle, but because he flat out REFUSED to discuss the issue, stating that he would only get more pissed off.

We talked about it two days later, and he explained to me that perhaps he overreacts in those types of situations and he would try to work on that. But that the reason he reacted the way he did was because it reminded him of when I was having doubts about our relationship. Because I have stated in the past that I was unhappy at times about the level of our intimacy, and that was all around the time I was contemplating leaving him. So it seems that any discussion of our relationship regarding intimacy, passion, etc. has him worried that I’m doubting everything all over again. I’ve explained to him that no such thing will happen again, but he still doesn’t trust me and thus, doesn’t believe me.

So at this point, what do I need to do? I want to be able to discuss our relationship issues with him again sometime in the future without him freaking out, but I’m afraid he’ll never get over his distrust in me because of what I did to him in the past.

Do I just need to give him some time to trust me again, or should I take more drastic measures? Like perhaps counseling?

It kills me that I’ve hurt him in the past and that now he doesn’t trust me, but I realize that I made my own bed and now I must lie in it. However, I also don’t believe that I should stand passively by and let our marriage derail just to avoid stepping on his toes by continuing to skirt around any and all relationship issues.

It seems I’m torn between what to do.

All advice is welcome.