Up and down, side to side, in and out - dealing with an ex?

Gaz

Hokay. My girlfriend of just three months ended things between us several months ago (May) saying that she figured that she should be "feeling more" for me after this time, and that she didn't think there was enough chemistry. This kinda took me by surprise, since I felt that there was a ton of it there, recalling many nights spent just kissing for hours, entire weekends in bed while being snowed in, etc. But that said, the last month or so we were together, she seemed rather distant, like her mind was elsewhere. I would normally suspect someone else, but not in this case - she's insanely sweet, and never suspected her of that. So when the axe fell, it was a surprise but not a total shock. We parted, and agreed to be friends.

Less than 48 hours later, I came home to a message from her on my machine, just calling to say hi, wanted to see how I was doing, that she was thinking of me. This surprised me - I know we agreed to be friends, but wasn't expecting that to start so soon. When I did call her back a couple of days later, I got a bigger surprise.

Seems that for the past month, she had been in contact with her ex-boyfriend. She had been seeing this guy for about two years on and off, and by all accounts he was rather manipulative, and perhaps abusive (mentally). She dumped him after a year, he promised to mend his ways, she took him back to find he didn't change, and dumped him again, vowing to never speak to him again. Now he had suddenly resurfaced, and she had dinner with him the night after breaking up with me. Guess what.. he started pulling her strings, and she was calling to cry on my shoulder. She then went on to tell me that she was having second thoughts about breaking up, and that when she told me she felt there wasn't enough chemistry and that the feelings she had for me weren't strong enough, she didn't mean it.

I was absolutely furious!! We argued over email, because I wasn't able to keep my composure speaking to her. She assured me that her decision to end it had nothing to do with that guy, but I did (and still do) believe differently. Her distance and change in attitude towards me co-incided almost exactly with the time he resurfaced again, and the fact that she met him immediately after breaking up was a little too convenient. I essentially felt that she gambled me away on the assumption that she was getting back with her ex, and now that had panned out, she was "settling" for second prize. And I ain't anybody's second prize. She begged me to at least be friends with her, and maybe down the road things could be resolved, but I emphatically told her that "Someday we may be friends, but hell will freeze over before I ever get back together with you."

Sooo... fast forward to the present, almost five months later. We have established a friendship, and generally get together once a week or so for lunch, or more recently she's been coming out with me and my friends. And now that we're spending more time together, it seems that our old rapport; the old chemistry is there again, at least on a certain level. And I have, much to my surprise, found myself thinking about trying a reconcilliation. I know that the ex is now a thing of the past, she knows and accepts that there is no future between them. But I do know she was madly in love with him, and that perhaps those feelings linger. It's also not helping me when pretty much every one of my friends think that she's great, and that I'm crazy to let her go. What also doesn't help, is that she behaves rather flirtatiously towards me - not on a sexual level, but she keeps telling me what a fantastic guy I am, how cute I am, etc. And worst of all, since the breakup, my dating life is a complete debacle with essentially zero prospects.

All this means I'm pretty confused. I think i want her back, but am wondering how much "lonliness" (if that's what you'd call it) is contributing to this. I'm also wondering what these constant compliments mean (she gives crazy good massages, and I had to tell her to stop rubbing my shoulders during a lunch several weeks ago, as it made me uncomfortable). And even IF my own motives are good, AND she's receptive to getting back together, how do I deal with the constant nagging that the dick of an ex could potentially rear his head again? (along with the feelings she has for him)

Thanks for reading this gigantic essay of a post, and thanks for any help you all can offer on this!