She Loves Me and Wants to Marry but wants 3 Months of Wild Time out with the Girls
Well ... here I go again. I have mentioned a lot before but just for a run down.
We had been going out for about 2 1/2 years. Every 3-4months like clockwork she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not. This last a couple days then we get back together. Well this time she broke it off. It has been 5 weeks we have been chatting once or twice a week. Meeting up once on weekends and spending the whole day together. Last weekend we went to a concert so we ended up spending the weekend together. We have been having sex which has been amazing. Better than ever. I guess I felt like things were getting on track again. During the time off we both realised we need to work on things ourselves. Like inner demons that we hadn't dealt with. I have been amazed how much I found out about myself. I have found it really positive.
BUT.....
The main thing is that I don't want to be with anyone. I don't want to kiss anyone and I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just can't. When I am in love I cannot bring myself to kiss someone or sleep with someone else. Yet she feels that she doesn't want to sleep with anyone but might want to kiss other people when she goes out. She hasn't yet because she knows that she might lose me for good.
She doesn't think kissing is a big deal on the other hand I do. I am scared that if you can say you love me and kiss someone else what stops you when we are married? To me I make those marriage vows when I date someone. To her when you get married then thats when it all begins. Being together is based on Love and Trust. How can I trust someone who loves me and kisses other guys.
I have tried to be really supportive and give her space and tell her look you need this time just do what you need to do. I told her I can't guarantee how I will feel or react as I have never been in this situation but if I am stopping her from getting "THIS STAGE" out of her system she might just want to do it again when we are married.
We told each other that we would tell each other if we wanted to kiss someone else before it happened. Last night she told me she has been thinking about kissing someone else. Ie. what would it mean? Why does she? Why doesn't she? What would happened to us?. i got really scared about this.
To make things even more confusing she then says things like ahh I saw your baby photos and if we have a boy who looks like you I would be the happiest mom in the world.
She says she is 99% sure she wants to be with me but wants to go back to being single and having fun with her girlfriends for one last time (over 3 months).
I don't have a problem with her going out with her girlfriends and having time to work on her problems but to go out kissing guys and then still saying I love you to me is just a kick in the face. She also says that if we didn't see each other for 2 weeks it would be easier for her to kiss someone else. Just to fill in? WTF?
She then also says do you want me to tell you everytime I kiss someone else? This coming from a girl who hasn't decided on whether she wants to kiss someone else or not!
She also says a lot of her girlfriends have gone through this and got back together and its normal. AHHH!!!
I guess it comes down to the fact she WANTS to kiss someone else and I DON't want to. She ISN't ready to settle down and I AM ready!
So what do I do now...
For me I would love to just say we thats it. Don't call me until you want to get back together. If I am not with someone then we will see how it goes. but what I am afraid of is that this will give her the excuse to then sleep with someone else and do more than kissing.
If I stick around maybe kissing is as bad as it will get.
Saying that if I stick around I can't love her when I know she has been kissing someone else. The sight of her would make me sick.
Should I tell her how it would kill me to think of her lips touching anothers otherwise will this alter what she might do and this will happen all over again.
We are meeting up tonight to go to some talk and since she felt we were getting into a couple again we have decided not to meet up on Thursday and just on Sat or Sunday.
I just don't think I would be able to chat to her and be nice if she kissed someone else. By not being able to do this she said it would be over for good. She would have to see me or talk to me.
Am I placing too much in a kiss.
Am I just jealous as well. Even if we agree to kiss others I don't know many people her and don't go out clubbing that much be she goes out every weekend and always gets guys trying to hook up. Do I keep a tally?
Lastly I would just feel like the lowest piece of crap in the world if she went out with her gf kissed all these guys in front of them and then we get back together. I would just feel so used. I don't think I could live with it.
Maybe this is a case of bad timing? I don't know.
Any advice? I need help? We are meeting up tonight? What should I do What should I say?
I am thinking about asking her about the "Should I tell you about when I kiss other guys" becuase that means she wants to kiss others which she isn't telling me now. She says she doesn't know. But i think she does.
Also whats with the whole "Fill In" whats that?
You should read your post but try to read it from a 3rd person point of view. Pretend its your best friend who just wrote what you wrote.
Quote:
I have tried to be really supportive and give her space and tell her look you need this time just do what you need to do. I told her I can't guarantee how I will feel or react as I have never been in this situation but if I am stopping her from getting "THIS STAGE" out of her system she might just want to do it again when we are married.
you're supporting her decision to go out and fool around with other guys? i mean, there are some things that you do like give a woman space, but thats just rediculous.
its not some "STAGE" if she does it like clockwork. She knows you're always gonna be there no matter what. Even if she has sex with other dudes I bet you would be willing ot work things out. Come on man. You got to have more self respect than that.
I know its ultra ultra hard, but you really should logically re evaluate youre relationship with her. Or else, you're just going to be in a hurting ride for a long long while.
Take a stand. Say if you want to do that...go ahead. I'm not waiting for you..and TAKE A STAND MAN. You can do it. And she will respect you 100% more for that than if you sit back and let her go through her "STAGE".
So UT you reakon I should tell her look if you do this and kiss other guys it is over I don't want to talk to you or be with you. I am moving on.
I guess I just have to be honest.
Let her know that she will lose me. If she wants to kiss other guys and risk losing what we have then it is up to her. Even if that means she doesn't get through this stage and we get back together and then she feels like this again?
Thats the risk I take i suppose?
Cheers,
WD
ps. I guess I can still be with her and chat to her and hang out until the say she kisses someone else. Then I will be gone. On the other hand would you give up a few kisses for spending the rest of your life with someone? I guess if I did I would never be able to trust her again and never enjoy the rest of my life. Guess that answers that question. I wish a kiss didn't matter but to me it does.
Last edited by WindDrifter; 31st January 2006 at 9:15 PM..
im giving you this advice because i wish i had it before my ex broke up with me. hindsight is always 20/20.
i would suggest you tell her, if you are not sure about us...go ahead and do what you want to do. but i am moving on. i can't stay with a girl that is unsure of being with me. tell her you need some space (because you really do man..to re evaluate your relationship).
you have do regain some dominance in the relationship. you have lost your leverage. she doesnt respect you because you let her do what ever she wants. dont call her. if she calls you, keep things short and tell her you have to go. if she wants to come by, tell her not today. maybe later. you might think that these things will driver her away, but these actions will draw her to you further. its all a power play man. when one person is too head deep, the other person heads the other way.
But I love her so much and I really do believe we are meant to be together.
But she doesn't feel the same way.. She doesn't love you the way you love her.
Anybody that loves another would not ask or try the things she is doing..
If I were you and you really do love her then I would kick her to the curb. Move on and give her what she wants..
But you need to totally walk away and not be there for her..NC.. then you might see her come to you after she sees what the world really is like out there.
See.. when a girl says they want time with the girls that really translates to she wants to bang other guys.. that is the truth.. you don't have her to begin with so why try and keep her ?
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Last edited by Art_Critic; 31st January 2006 at 9:33 PM..
But I love her so much and I really do believe we are meant to be together.
Should I just throw all of that away?
Yes, because if you get married then it will end in tears anyway. Might as well finish now before it's too late. People who are going to have happy marraiges never says thiings like "I want 3 months of fun" or say they are "99% sure". Why not 100%?
Then again, if you want to take the final step over the cliff, feel free to go ahead. It's your life after all.
ShadowFax - Thanks for the post. I agree with you on all of the points. I have truly let her go and if she returns we will have to see what happens. I hope she overcomes her fears otherwise they may run her life forever. Thanks for your words they really made sense.
Sal - She is not a horrible person. She is caring, loving and an amazingly strong person. Those are the reasons I love her. From the day I saw her I knew there was something special and I am happy i have had the chance to meet a person who I was able to learn and grow with.
UT - I hope I don't get rejected twice. I told her contact me when you want to get back together otherwise don't. I also told her the only way should could tell me she wants to get back together was in person. She can't call or text or email. If she really wants me she will find a way. On a side note I hope I am doing as well as you guys in a month!
Well I guess this is day one. I don't think it has really hit. I also don't know how to feel about others. I guess I will keep thinking is she going to kiss others. What happens if I don't kiss anyone and she come back to me having been with all these guys would I regret not being with someone else myself. I guess I just have to see how I feel. I have this nightmare that I will wait and wait and wait then as soon as I hook up with someone the next day she will be there wanting me back and I will feel like the worst person in the world.
I love her and will always love her. Whether I will always be IN love with her is a different story. I guess I just have to live me life. Be selfish. Thats what some many people have told me but its hard I am not that kind of person. I like to think of others and put others first. I guess this is a little Love WindDrifter time!
Thanks again one and all your posts have really helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life. I wish I could buy you all a beer!
It matters man. Sure, you have to compromise on certain things in a relationship, but infidelity is one thing you do not allow. Do you want to be married to someone that always has a large chance of cheating (if she doesn't get her way right now/or even if she does, who's to say she won't do it again), or someone that loves you enough to know for a fact that there is no one better in the world than you and would never entertain the thought for a second? Just lay it all out man, she is either exclusive with you or that's it for good.
I was (still am maybe) a super nice guy like you and even after my gf broke up with me I supported her when the guy she pretty much left me for broke up with her days later. That was the stupidest thing I've ever done and I feel like I have made up for it by finally growing a spine and telling her to **** off. And even though she treated me badly afterwards, I still have in the back of my mind that we are perfect for each other, ect. Until you find someone else you feel like that about, that's how it will be in your heart (although now I am trusting my brain over my heart, which is what has kept me from contact/begging). You gotta get yourself a spine too man, don't let a woman walk all over you. Because I gauruntee you that if you allow her to do this and then marry her, you will feel miserable for the rest of your life, knowing that a woman only married you for security, not love. I have inner peace for finally standing up for myself. You will never have that if you let this go on and still continue to marry her.
But you need to totally walk away and not be there for her..NC.. then you might see her come to you after she sees what the world really is like out there.
ArtCritic - She said if I didn't this then it would definitely be over? Should I take the risk. She tells me she loves me and I believe her. I am a trusting guy. I think we just met to earlier and she just wants to make sure.
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you have do regain some dominance in the relationship. you have lost your leverage. she doesnt respect you because you let her do what ever she wants. dont call her. if she calls you, keep things short and tell her you have to go. if she wants to come by, tell her not today. maybe later. you might think that these things will driver her away, but these actions will draw her to you further. its all a power play man. when one person is too head deep, the other person heads the other way.
UT - So should I let her call me or meet up with me? If we don't get on then maybe she will fall out of love for me?
Okay guys thanks for your posts.
I am thinking I will lay out how I feel about her kissing other guys. I don't care how she feels about it but this is how I feel.
Now should I let her see me once a week or let her call me?
We are meant to be going to this church thing tonight. I called her last night to make sure I can get a lift as my car is in for repairs. She said I was naughty for calling. We ended up chatting like always she said she missed me and was excited when I texted, she replied , then I called. i sent her a txt when going to bed "Why does love have to hurt so much" she then tried to call me this morning. She had her phone off at night often does. She then sent me a txt saying "Hey Numy (our nick name) I just got your message thjios morning and that why I called you. I promise I love you. Please believe me" she then called again about 10minutes ago. I didn't answer. She sent me another text "Did you call before I got a missed call from a private number. If your ignoring me I understand but please just tell me thats what your doing". I haven't replied yet. But what should I do?
Should I go to this thing with her?
Should I be with her like nothings happened until she kissing someone else and then bolt?
Help Me guys! Thanks for all the previous posts!
WD
p.s. I know she wouldn't sleep with anyone I am 100% sure of that unless we really broke all contact then I just don't know. The kissing thing I think she would definitely.
ArtCritic - She said if I didn't this then it would definitely be over? Should I take the risk. She tells me she loves me and I believe her. I am a trusting guy. I think we just met to earlier and she just wants to make sure.
That isn't love.. love you don't give ultimatums.
You already have lost her.. Walk away and tell her to pack it.. She just wants your okay to go bang other guys.. don't give it her.
What do you think she would tell you if the roles were reversed ?
You don't have to tell me I already know the answer
AC - She doesn't want to bang other just maybe kiss other when out with her girlfriends like when she was younger. I know she doesn't want to bang them. Maybe I should say fine but then I don't want anything to do with you from that point until you think you may be ready. I won't be waiting around.
AC - She doesn't want to bang other just maybe kiss other when out with her girlfriends like when she was younger. I know she doesn't want to bang them. Maybe I should say fine but then I don't want anything to do with you from that point until you think you may be ready. I won't be waiting around.
Should I reply to her text messages?
Okay.. she wants your okay to go kiss and possibly bang other guys..
Kissing is the beginning...
What do you think she would say to you if the roles were reversed ?
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She Loves Me and Wants to Marry but wants 3 Months of Wild Time out with the Girls
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