[prncssfce9]

I hope that I am just being nuerotic ... but I feel sad and need some advice.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 ans half years now. I love him dearly, but lately things have seemed strained between us, almost forced. We don't talk much, and when we do it is pointless drivel. I've tried to talk to him about it, he acknowledges that he feels the same ... we will talk for a minute but then .... nothing. Back to same old.

I started to think he was bored with me, or that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He says that is not the case, that he loves me but is just bored in general not with me. His classes are boring him, his job isn't fun and he's just frustrated with a lot of things. I know he has stress in his life ... hell so do I! But that is precisley why I need him to talk to!

Am I being selfish wanting him to talk to me more, wanting more of his attention?? I don't want to seem like a whiny little girl ... but I miss him. What do I do??

Start planning some fun events to do together instead of the usual routine.

[Marshbear]

Sometimes in a relationship things become stagnate when you know each other and you become complacent. The best way to get out of the rut is communication. You can play a little game and say: I think we need to do something different today. It's my turn to pick an activity to do that will be fun and interesting. Next time you can pick the activity.

Of course this requires the both of you to want to change the situation and it won't work if he's not interested. Boredom happens in all relationships and you need to hang in there, talk, reason and try to get him to open up to get past it.

[Sckott]

Exactly. Boredom can happen very easilly with two people just like it can with one. Think about nice things to do to fill time and have fun. Maybe both of you can cook something nice? Garden? Play tag?

[prisoner]

I am going to play devil's advocate.

After two and a half years there must be something you are wondering. Are you getting everything you want from this man and this is just a phase that can be cured with a new hobby or is there something else going on?

Two and a half years is a long time for communication to break down. is there anything different about him? new friends? new attitude toward work or an old friend? What are his plans?

See the thing is that you have to ask the same question? What er your plans? Your plans together?

What is the next step? I think you are stepping lightly on that border.

You have been together for a while and communication ahs broken down: is it a trust thing? There is something you both are not talking about? Is there an elephant in the room? money? marriage? do you think a new pet will make the difference?

Everybody needs to know that there is more than just tomorrow. Especially at the stage you are at.

If you really want to know what the problem is don't sidestep the problem. See it for what it is. An opportunity to get to the next stage of your relationship. the trick is to know that whatever happens is the next stage and be prepared for it. being afraid is stopping you two from talking already. Don't let it have more control than it does already.

[prncssfce9]

there is a lot of things going on that have had an impact ... he is back in school after 10 years and is fighting his ex-wife for visitation of their daughter. a lot of things are up in the air and I know he is stressed out ... that is why I haven't really been psuhing the issue.

the problem isn't that I don't trust or don't know where the relationship is going ... i'm not all psycho about those things. my problem is more he is stressed and won't talk to me about, that means I can't help him. I'm scared that if he closes me out of these problems then he'll be closing me out of a big chunk of his life and THEN we will drift.

maybe that sounds crazy ... i dunno

[sufie34]

The same thing is happening with my relationship. I've been going out with this guy for 3 months and he seems bored with me but he says that it's not me. i really wish i knew what to do about it. No matter how hard i try to make him understand he needs to talk with me if he wants a long, serious relationship. I wrote a letter asking if he was bored with me and asking if he thinks we should break up and i wrote how i felt. And i told him what i want out of the realtionship. (it's 2 pages long!) Maybe you should write him a letter telling your feelings and thoughts. Just write down stuff that comes from your heart. I wish you luck and I'm sorry that u feel the way u feel.

[prisoner]

i hate to be the messenger but you have drifted.

after two years you should be able to discuss the hard things more easily.

with so much going on with him this is the time when the relationship should be growing. this is the time for all of those feelings of security should be the strongest.

it is easy to have a good relationship when things are good. bad times are made for getting closer.

feeling closer. being closer.

this is an opportunity for the two of you to have a stronger bond. if that is not happening it is a choice.

one or the both of you is deciding to ignore the opportunity.

get it out in the open now. do not let the chance pass you by.

[prncssfce9]

I know what you mean about this being a time to grow ... blah blah.

Yes you are right, hard times are what prove a relationship will last, but we have been through our bad times .... we have been through our good times .... I don't know if this is a good time or bad time but either way something is fishy.

I actually had a talk with him today ... not a long talk but an effective talk. He says that the reason he as been acting weird is becasue I seem so unhappy he is afraid to talk to me. He feels guilty for our having to move here and thinks I am unhappy. We moved here about a year ago ... I was at NC State in Raleigh and due to some university complications ... I ended up transfering to ECU. He came out here with me and says I don't seem as happy here. Truthfully I'm not. I like school better but overall not so much. He says that me being unhappy has made him feel anxious about talking to me b/c I can be easily upsettable (if that is aword)

I dunno .... I might be making too much out of nothing .... maybe boys just don't like to talk?

[prisoner]

afraid: feeling fear

fear:the likelihood of something unwelcome happening

afraid to talk to you? what else is he afraid of? ask him that. ask him if he was afraid to move to be with you? was he afraid when you decided to be with him? is he afraid to kiss you? cook you dinner? hold your hand and watch a movie? make you popcorn?

see, love is an action. it is a verb. it is something we chooseto do or not do.

you have scratched the surface now get in there. too afraid to talk to you?

you need to be spoken to. is he afraid to make you happy? afraid to resolve the problem and get to the next stage?

is he afraid that if there is nothing wrong then the relationship will grow?

ask him what he is really afraid of. do you consider yourself unapproachable? difficult? a source of danger?

get to the bottom of this ASAP. there is something he is not telling you.

[prncssfce9]

yes actually i can be quite hard to approch .... and while I appreciate your poetic attempt at advice I feel you missed the real problem.

He is not afraid OF me, he is afraid of upsetting me. But, ironically that is what is upsetting me!

I would rather him talk to me and hurt me than not talk to me and hurt me more..... but you try telling someone who loves that you no matter what they do they will hurt you .... would you do it??

[prisoner]

that is how i know i love someone. because i am willing to hurt them. because if i am hurting i am willing to share.

i know they will suffer along with me. i know that tyhey will feel harder done by or more depressed.

i will become sick with worry and i will end up taking care of them. i will be the shoulder to cry on.

that is how i know i love someone. i am willing to hurt them. while i understand that my advice may have seemed indifferent i can tell yuo that i have paid the price for what your bf is doing. walking on eggshells and a year of polite is a stifling and unsettling phase and it has to be squashed quelled and ended ASAP.

it's like those couples that don't talk at dinner. or who answer questions with 'sure'. indifference is the opposite of love. i hate that saying. it is an annoying cliche. but it is true.

i can guarantee you that ten years from now he will want to return to the here and now and be honest. a decade of 'pass the salt' is more than anyone deserves.