[Scared Mother]

I am currently in a physical, verbal, and emoitional abusive relationship. I've been with my fiance for 8 years now, and for the past three years he has started abusing me. I have left him several times, but he always seems to find me. I have also put him in jail, but he gets right back out. I can NOT get away from him.

We also have a 6 year old daughter together. He doesn't really abuse her, but what she see's me go through is abuse to me. He always threatens me and always threatens to take her away from me. I can't work because he wants me to stay at home, and he also doesn't want me to have any money. He got offered a job out of town, and now weve moved where I don't know anyone. I feel very alone and trapped. The only way I can get my Daughter and myself completely away from him is just to like run far away from here. But yet I have no money to do so. I just feel hopeless.

I am truely scared for my life, and that is why I'm still here. I mean, if I leave him and he finds me again he said he would seriously hurt me. I can't bare the thought of something happening to me and him getting away with that and leaving my child behind. I just want to live a happy, safe life!!! If anybody can help me, or give me advice on what I can do I would appericate it SO much!! I am begging people to help me out!

[Merin]

Nothing says I don't love you and leave me the hell alone or else quite like a restraining order.

In this situation don't fail to plan or you plan to fail.. make up your mind to leave this guy and then make a safe plan for you and your daughter to get the hell away from him... Is there family you can stay with until you can get on your feet? If so, contact them... if not contact your local womans shelter and get some help there.

Contact your police department and find out how to go about getting a restraining order against this guy that not only protects you, but your daughter as well...

Document, document, document!!! Every thing he says that is threatning to you or to your daughter... You don't have to do this alone... please get some help and get yourself and your daughter out of there.

[SoleMate]

The best help you can get will be from a battered women's shelter in your area. Be very discreet when calling or visiting them. They will counsel you about the safest way to leave, and they can help with lots of practical details.

Please make sure your H does not get a clue about your plans to leave. Sadly, the time between your decision and the time you are finally safe is the most dangerous for you and your daughter.

Also, please be very discreet about your LS postings. Do NOT have them emailed to you, for instance. (MODS - please help with this if she has her settings wrong.)

I care very much, please post for any advice or just venting.

Originally posted by Merin2
Nothing says I don't love you and leave me the hell alone or else quite like a restraining order.

That's a pretty simplistic and rather unrealistic view. In many cases, restraining orders are nothing more than a piece of paper..and in a lot of cases, just the act of the woman getting one is enough to further infuriate the abuser - because then he's lost some of his control. Don't make a restraining order sound like a simple solution to a very serious problem - I would hate this woman or other women who might be going through this same thing to think that a restraining order will save them. It CAN help in many cases, but it's not the magical answer for all women.

I hope this woman can find the # to the nearest Battered Womens Shelter. She should be able to get it (even if she wants to remain anonymous) by calling up her local hospital or medical clinic or police station - if she's scared, she can say she's getting it for a "friend." They'll get it for her.

A shelter can be the answer for her and her daughter.......they can likely provide a free, safe place for her to live until such times as she can get set up elsewhere. Shelters are meticulous about keeping their location a secret - so that abusive men can find their wives, girlfriends, etc. They can help her with counselling, helping her to get set up to relocate, helping her get the things she'd need to set up a new home (blankets, pots, food, etc). Many shelters also have teachers who come in and do schooling for the children there who can't leave for safety reasons (eg: the abuser realizes wife and children have left so he goes to the children's school and tries to take the children OR follows the children home from school to see where they're now residing).

The shelter women (who have all been victims of domestic abuse themselves) can put her in touch with the resources she'll need......the police, a lawyer, etc..........many women are in the same boat as her.......not able to work, no source of income and basically have to leave with nothing.

If she's not able to get to the shelter with her daughter (no car, for example) I'm more than sure they'd help her with arrangements, like sending a taxi and they'd cover the cost.

I pray for her and her daughter's safety - may God bless and watch over them both.......and I hope she knows that we care. What Solemate said is correct though, she needs to be careful what she writes on the computer...in case he's the type to check the temporary internet files, cookies or has some type of spyware (key logger) program set up on the computer. He likely doesn't but you never know. I hope she can contact a shelther ASAP, they will help her out of this mess, without a doubt in the world.

[netrie]

Originally posted by Merin2
Nothing says I don't love you and leave me the hell alone or else quite like a restraining order.

A restraining order WILL NOT work for her safety at all---in fact it may work against you in this case.

The guy sounds very dangerous. You need to "convieniently disappear" so he will not know where you or your daughter are at all so you can think clearly in a safer environment.

First, I would talk to a public defender: Quietly VERY quietly go and get some advice and file against him after you are completely out of the picture and he cannot hurt you or until you can find shelter--a woman's shelter group. Call around or talk go to the nearest court house and get info. Talk to a public defender about the danger and the threats too when you can but find a woman's shelter for you and your daughter to take steps against him.

DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM.

Be careful. Plot this very quietly and use control of your emotions around him. Don't fight with him. GET OUT QUICKLY IF YOU CAN.

[DJ_Dork]

You can get help. Start off with those abusive hotlines or shelter and they can give you steps on how to break it off with this guy. Trust me, being single with your own kid is better off than dealing with an abusive punk@$$ for the next couple of years.

[Scared Mother]

Well, The house that we are now living in is in his name only. Thats how he wanted it. I have went to the police and they have arrested him, but that has not worked it only pissed him off even more. So I can only get a restraining order against him if I leave his house, but yet he won't let me go. I have no friends and no real family. He's ran them all off. I''ve tried to still get there help, but there scared of him too!!! I did go to one local womans shelter, but he got me kicked out. I just still don't know how I can get around leaving, when I feel so trapped. I have no one on my side, no money, no nothing, but a beautiful Daughter. I do not want the state to take her away from me, and I can not leave her here. I'm still very lost and I still don't know what to do. Thanks for the advice though!!

[netrie]

Get down to the police station in the morning and find out where to go or get to the court house first thing and yell bloody murder... Make people listen to you. I wish I could help you.

Be careful with the computer use too.

Clear the URL browser...

[JoL]

I am so sorry to hear of your situation, I couldnt begin to imagine how scared and alone you must feel.

PLEASE be careful in what you do on the computer as netrie also mentioned. plot your escape very very very VERY discreetly.

Is there ANYWAY possible you could earn a bit of money without him finding out? I am lost as to how you could do this..or perhaps save up, bit by bit with the money he gives you for groceries etc?

Call up an interstate womens shelter, I assume you are from the USA? i am not sure how the system works, whether you can take refuge in a out of town shelter or if this would be a problem..

IF you can do this...then heres what i suggest.

PLAN EVERYTHING IN SECRET from EVERYONE. dont tell ANYONE where you are going..

1. save up some money, anyway possible..ASK for some money from your family- even distant relatives- BEG them if need be. this is a matter of life and death! ask them to deposit money into your account- if you dont have a discreet account from this man, then ask them to open one up for you- serious times call for serious measures if you ask me.
2. ring up some shelters in a far away location and organise for you and your daughter to stay there. get some free legal advice about what you can do to try and ensure your safety. you are not legally married to this man i assume from your post, which is one positive...
3. buy a bus/train/plane ticket for you and your daughter..pack light and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE
4. disappear while he is at work, do not lead him to believe this is your plan. act normally.
5. once you arrive in your destination, try to get in contact with friends or relatives..i know it would be a strech since he has allienated them..but surely these people would help you in your time of need?

you need to act now and act fast. this man sounds like he is crazy and would not blink at hurting you and your child. We do not want you to end up like Julia Roberts in sleeping with the enemy.
We want to help you get as far away from this monster as possible.

Please be safe, and let us know how the situation progresses, or if he does anything to harm you.
..please be careful.

[JoL]

ive been thinking about your situation a bit over the last couple of hours..
How did the abuse start? was he nice in the begining? did something set him off? i assume he wasnt like this in the begining of the relationship? it is so scary for women, how can we tell if a man is going to turn out like this?!

Please keep in touch with the forum and let us know how things are going. it sounds like he wants you locked up in the hosue away from everyone, so communicate with us here about your situation..

[Merin]

I am in no way saying that a restraining order is ALL she needs and that it's a "magic bullet" nor was I trying to make her situation appear to be "simple"

My sister was in a situation a lot like this one.. and she did make a PLAN of getting help that included a restraining order to protect herself and her kids.. so while it may not be the thing for EVERYONE to do, I still believe it is ONE good option in conjunction with other things as well.. and said so in my post.

[RowanRavyn]

http://www.ndvh.org/

This is an excellent website. They offer all sorts of information. They will also show you how to cover your tracks online. I would advise you to memorize the URL to this website and delete it from your favorites. If he cruses through and finds this it will mean trouble.

You can leave. I promise you, that there is help to be had, but YOU have to go for it. Shelters will offer you protection that you can't offer yourself.

I have been there done that. It took me almost ten years. Statistics show that children raised in abusive relationships are more likely to be abused or become abusers. Think of your daughter, doesn't she deserve to learn a new way of life.

You will be in my thoughts.

[melnmojave]

make sure to make a list of reasons why you hate this guy so that when you do get away and things get hard both financially and emotionally you can read it to give you the strength to not give up and go back to the poison guy because it gets financially/emotionally difficult. Sometimes we get so beat down and afraid that we actually will talk ourselves into thinking it wasnt that bad..........you need to get a job. It makes it a zillion times more difficult to get out when they have you completely financially dependant.....my heart goes out to you - it is sooo hard to make the break in so many ways.......I wish I had alot of money, I would share it with you to get you on your feet I dont know where you live but I do know someone who will mentor you and give you support while you are trying to get yourself out of there.....send me a personal email if you want her #

Others have mentioned the shelters too. they offer mentors/ counseling..............

[kiwi29f]

My mom went through the same thing. A place called Sister Care helped her. Their number is 1-800-637-7606. You can go to www.sistercare.com That website is based in Columbia South Carolina but the 800 is for people outside of there. They may be able to help you but please get out ASAP be discreet about it. They also have other information on there website.

[kiwi29f]

If that sister Care isn't available outside of SC, assumming thats not were you live go to this website www.ndvh.org or www.badteddy.com/abuse/shelters.htm and www.propeople.org/links/abuse.htm That last one has other links you can look under. Good Luck