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What if he leaves...


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... his W for the OW? What is your take on this... will he cheat again, does he really love you, will he go back to the W, will it work out for the best with the OW.

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it really depends on alot of things.

if the marital problems for example, are undealt with because he is the type of man that runs from problems, then that is in his nature. quite a difficult problem to resolve in himself since he is not one for resolving problems anyway! in this type of case, then he will likely cheat again.

some men are serial cheaters, or cakemen, in which case they need more than one partner. these men will likely cheat again, but maybe these men would not even go so far as leaving the wife for the ow. although i am not sure of this, perhaps ow simply takes on first position, and replaces the wife, leaving an ow slot vacant.

in the case of the man who is genuinely stuck in a bad marriage, and has tried as hard as he can to make it work in a responsible manner, or who is the one doing all the work with a wife who cannot or will not, then there is absolutely no reason at all why he would cheat again with the ow.

you just have to work out which type he is, and make sure you work hard at having a good relationship.

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That's the problem with affairs. If you're with someone who's lying and cheating to his wife, then you're never going to know if he will one day lie and cheat to you even if he leaves his wife for you.

 

It's rare that a man leaves his wife for the other woman. But if he does, my guess is that 75% will cheat on the other woman eventually too.

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As newbby says, there are too many variables to be able to give a single answer to this, and I think newbby covered most of the options well. At the end of it, whether or not a man will cheat again is down to the character of the man, the reasons for the breakdown of his original M, and the quality of the relationship with his new wife (ex OW).

 

One could give a similar response to a question of whether a W should take back a WS after he has strayed. Will he let her down again? It is down to the character of the H, the reasons for the breakdown of the R, and the quality of the renewed R.

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Please see responses below:

 

it really depends on alot of things.

if the marital problems for example, are undealt with because he is the type of man that runs from problems, then that is in his nature. quite a difficult problem to resolve in himself since he is not one for resolving problems anyway! in this type of case, then he will likely cheat again.

 

There are marital problems which have been there for some time. Neither one of them is happy and they've even discussed seperation in the past. They just didn't act on it because of the kids.

 

some men are serial cheaters, or cakemen, in which case they need more than one partner. these men will likely cheat again, but maybe these men would not even go so far as leaving the wife for the ow. although i am not sure of this, perhaps ow simply takes on first position, and replaces the wife, leaving an ow slot vacant.

 

No, he doesn't need more than one woman, he just isn't happy in his M. I have moved in the "first position" and will continue to be in that position even once he has seperated and gone through his divorce. He just recently decided to seperate but is getting everything in order before doing so. Again, there are kids involved.

 

in the case of the man who is genuinely stuck in a bad marriage, and has tried as hard as he can to make it work in a responsible manner, or who is the one doing all the work with a wife who cannot or will not, then there is absolutely no reason at all why he would cheat again with the ow.

 

I've known him for a few years and this is totally out of character for him! Somehow, someway, our friendship went to another level. I don't think there would be an OW in the picture if he was happy in his M. In which case, once he leaves his wife, he wouldn't have any reason to cheat. He's found the completeness and fulfillness with me.

 

you just have to work out which type he is, and make sure you work hard at having a good relationship.

 

The only reason I asked the question is because I've heard the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". This is all new to me as well. I do have a SO and we are both unhappy. We've talked about our issues but nothing seems to change. They've gotten worse for that matter. I've just given up. I think because our communication path is gone, so is our relationship. So, with my MM, we know each others needs and wants, not just sexually, and obviously we know that we'll do what we need to do in order to satify us, it would make things easier to 'stay on track' with each other.

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whichwayisup
I've known him for a few years and this is totally out of character for him! Somehow, someway, our friendship went to another level. I don't think there would be an OW in the picture if he was happy in his M. In which case, once he leaves his wife, he wouldn't have any reason to cheat. He's found the completeness and fulfillness with me.

 

Don't you think his wife felt that way too? I mean, they had children together...Obviously their love was deep enough to get married and procreate.

 

Don't be so fast to fully trust your MM. I hope it all works out for you, but don't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Give it time, let him deal with the loss of his marriage if they divorce, and you also have to end your relationship and be alone for a while too. IF any relationship is going to workout, start it off SLOW. Why jump out of a marriage or a relationship right into another one so fast? People need time to grieve, to be on their own and move past issues.

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Don't you think his wife felt that way too? I mean, they had children together...Obviously their love was deep enough to get married and procreate.

 

Don't be so fast to fully trust your MM. I hope it all works out for you, but don't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Give it time, let him deal with the loss of his marriage if they divorce, and you also have to end your relationship and be alone for a while too. IF any relationship is going to workout, start it off SLOW. Why jump out of a marriage or a relationship right into another one so fast? People need time to grieve, to be on their own and move past issues.

 

I know he felt this way about his W at one point and I'm sure he still loves her. BUT there is a big difference between loving someone and being in love with them.

 

As I said in my OP, we started out as being friends/co-workers and then it went further. At this point, how do you start if off SLOW? No, we won't run out and get married after his years seperation but we already have the relationship in place. (In our state you must be seperated for 1 year when you have kids before they'll grant you a divorce.)

 

What would be the 'ideal' direction to go with this? I'm kind of lost since we already have the relationship and it is already progressed into an intimate relationship and we've fallen in love with each other. How do we take it any slower when it's gotten this far? Things will stay quiet for the year just as they have been. The only difference would be that we will be able to see each other more since we won't have anyone else to answer to.

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What about your SO? Where does that relationship fit? It sounds like both of you need to step back and resolve your current relationships (though it sounds like the mm is resolving his). Once the current relationships are ended and you are both free (and it sounds like that's a year out) THEN get back together, see if you both still feel the same way, and see where it goes together.

 

As far as the original question, newbby answered it perfectly, in my opinion. Since it sounds like you, too, are cheating, maybe you need to examine yourself in light of the question you posed regarding mm????

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What about your SO? Where does that relationship fit? It sounds like both of you need to step back and resolve your current relationships (though it sounds like the mm is resolving his). Once the current relationships are ended and you are both free (and it sounds like that's a year out) THEN get back together, see if you both still feel the same way, and see where it goes together.

 

As far as the original question, newbby answered it perfectly, in my opinion. Since it sounds like you, too, are cheating, maybe you need to examine yourself in light of the question you posed regarding mm????

 

As far as me and my SO, we are on the outs and have been for several months. For whatever reason, we just haven't gone our seperate ways. I think it's more of a convience factor and comfort level. Him not having to move out and find some place to live and such.

 

You're saying to get back together after the year seperation, but what if we don't want that time apart? Will it hurt our relationship in anyway if we continue it? In our eyes it won't but it's always nice to see it from others eyes. FYI... we won't be living together, we won't be running around together in public and so forth during that time. We'll continue to keep it quiet until everything is finalized with his divorce.

 

Yep, I'm cheating as well. As previously mentioned, I have tried communicating our issues with my SO but things seem to have gotten worse, not better. Thus being the reason for straying. It did make it easier to do so since I had a wonderful guy who was a great friend who happened to be unhappy as well.

 

If my life was happy at home with my SO, then no, I could have stayed straight and kept my friendship with my MM just as a friendship. But, just like most, I needed to fill those missing 'pieces' in my life and my SO wasn't able to do so.

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whichwayisup

Just end it with your SO. It really is unfair that you're planning another life with someone else on the side. You know the relationship is more or less over. You're not doing him any favours by keeping him there.

 

I needed to fill those missing 'pieces' in my life and my SO wasn't able to do so.

 

Did you talk to him about this? Go to couples therapy? Try to work it out, let him FILL your needs that were missing from the relationship? If he wasn't able to do so, you should have ended things then. It's selfish to keep him and let yourself fall inlove with another man. Married or not...The outcome is, your SO deserves to find someone who will love him. If you don't feel that love for him, END IT. It's not fair to keep the 'relationship' going if you intend on being with your MM. And also, don't keep the boyfriend around if it's because you don't want to be alone when you're not with your MM.

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You're saying to get back together after the year seperation, but what if we don't want that time apart? Will it hurt our relationship in anyway if we continue it? In our eyes it won't but it's always nice to see it from others eyes. FYI... we won't be living together, we won't be running around together in public and so forth during that time. We'll continue to keep it quiet until everything is finalized with his divorce.

 

I'm not you, so it's not really possible for me to say if it would hurt your relationship. I personally would have problems with doing it this way. He isn't really free, nor are you. Sometimes relationships form because of the situations we are in, rather than because we are such great partners. Time apart would be time for cleaning up your lives, straightening out the stuff that's wrong.

 

Then when you get back together, both of you know that it's not just a "rebound" thing from your former relationships. You're both in a better emotional space and you can both see better if this is the relationship you really want.

 

Just my opinion mind you, but that's what would work best for me.

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If MM addresses the issue that drives him to cheat (after all, cheating is a symptom of something deeper, the same way that drug abuse is a symptom), and changes fundamentally, then it's unlikely he will cheat again.

 

However, addressing the issue and changing fundamentally is a tough, time-consuming process. Most MM will not do this. Therefore, yes, he is likely to cheat again.

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Last Mohegan

Not meaning to thread jack here but I do agree with you YM... Do you think changing fundamentally is dependant on the number of infidelities a person has committed in a marriage? I do think people can change and I agree it takes work that I'm not sure I could accomplish...I respect anyone willing to commit to so much work...not simply work but gut wrenching introspective work.

 

If MM addresses the issue that drives him to cheat (after all, cheating is a symptom of something deeper, the same way that drug abuse is a symptom), and changes fundamentally, then it's unlikely he will cheat again.

 

However, addressing the issue and changing fundamentally is a tough, time-consuming process. Most MM will not do this. Therefore, yes, he is likely to cheat again.

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I think he will only change via crisis. And probably only through therapy.

 

Example: for 5 years now, my MM has been in a mid-life crisis. Then, his father passed away in December. And we had just started an A, and I was the only one who encouraged him to reevalute his life. Then, I was about to leave him for another man in February. This was the final straw - he determined he had to deal with his issues and went into therapy.

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