Counseling to cope with end of affair?

[Meaplus3]

I have been invloved in an emotional and slightly physical affair with a MM now for about 6 month's. I am also married. The so called affair is over per MM. I am so besides myself, lost without him. It's very hard for me to forget about him because I see him all the time as he's my neighbor. It is so hard for me to see him outside talking with his wife pretending that nothing has happened. My emotion's have really got a hold of me now, I so need to vent this out to someone. I do not wish at this time to disclose the affair to my husband. I would like to try some counseling by myself first to try and cope with this. I find my self crying all the time over him. I know he still cares about me and I him but we both know that if we continued down the road we were on it would ruin our marriages and cause so much pain to our families. So, I guess my question here is has anyone out there gone to counseling to deal with the end of an affair and if so was it helpful? Thanks.

[Jessie61]

I have been invloved in an emotional and slightly physical affair with a MM now for about 6 month's. I am also married. The so called affair is over per MM. I am so besides myself, lost without him. It's very hard for me to forget about him because I see him all the time as he's my neighbor. It is so hard for me to see him outside talking with his wife pretending that nothing has happened. My emotion's have really got a hold of me now, I so need to vent this out to someone. I do not wish at this time to disclose the affair to my husband. I would like to try some counseling by myself first to try and cope with this. I find my self crying all the time over him. I know he still cares about me and I him but we both know that if we continued down the road we were on it would ruin our marriages and cause so much pain to our families. So, I guess my question here is has anyone out there gone to counseling to deal with the end of an affair and if so was it helpful? Thanks.

 

I am coming to the end of my A; either I will go on as my MM's official GF or it is the end. This is going to happen very shortly.

 

If MM gets cold feet in the last second etc and doesn't leave the W as promised, then I know that I will be devastated etc. But I also know that I have to get on with things without looking back. That means that if I feel so bad that I do need help, then I will get it.

 

I compare it to going to the A&E with a broken legs, I mean nobody would hesitate doing that, would they?

 

OK, I realise that I am not exactly answering your questions, but if you are really feeling as low as that, then what harm is there in trying counselling? Just try to look after yourself by any means possible.... You will be no good to anyone, including yourself, if you continue to feel like that.

[Meaplus3]

I am coming to the end of my A; either I will go on as my MM's official GF or it is the end. This is going to happen very shortly.

 

If MM gets cold feet in the last second etc and doesn't leave the W as promised, then I know that I will be devastated etc. But I also know that I have to get on with things without looking back. That means that if I feel so bad that I do need help, then I will get it.

 

I compare it to going to the A&E with a broken legs, I mean nobody would hesitate doing that, would they?

 

OK, I realise that I am not exactly answering your questions, but if you are really feeling as low as that, then what harm is there in trying counselling? Just try to look after yourself by any means possible.... You will be no good to anyone, including yourself, if you continue to feel like that.

 

Jesse.

 

Thanks! Did anyone ever tell you that you give great advice? I was just reading another post you added to one of my questions and found it so very helpful! I wish you the best with the end of your A for I can relate to all the feeling's involved. I think I will give counseling a try, for I need to do something. I wish I could move right now, but it's just not an option, so I have to live each day watching him be so happy as a clam with his wife, not the best feeling considering what the two of us have done together, but I guess I will look at it this way. How happy could he truley be if he allowed himeslf to have an E/A with me for month's, tell me time and time again how much he would love to F me? Doe's not sound to me like all his need's are beign met by the wife.

[bevybaby]

It is so hard to grieve and have to keep it a secret. I feel for you. The minute to minute is a struggle!

 

I have found this forum to be VERY beneficial, PLUS I do have 2 girlfriends who have found themsleves in a similar situation. You do need to get your emotions out somehow and counseling CERTAINLY would not hurt. If you are uncertain, just call and see if you will feel comfortable talking this out with someone.

 

The important thing to remember is when you cant find happiness at all, it really may be time to seek some guidance.

 

Kisses and hugs...and you will be OK!!!!!!! I just know it.

[Jessie61]

Jesse.

 

Thanks! Did anyone ever tell you that you give great advice? I was just reading another post you added to one of my questions and found it so very helpful! I wish you the best with the end of your A for I can relate to all the feeling's involved. I think I will give counseling a try, for I need to do something. I wish I could move right now, but it's just not an option, so I have to live each day watching him be so happy as a clam with his wife, not the best feeling considering what the two of us have done together, but I guess I will look at it this way. How happy could he truley be if he allowed himeslf to have an E/A with me for month's, tell me time and time again how much he would love to F me? Doe's not sound to me like all his need's are beign met by the wife.

 

Answerplease,

 

Thank you for your kind words. To be honest, I am quite terrified now that D-day is approaching, but I am gritting my teeth and steeling myself. I know that it has to be done. I am also preparing for the possibility that it ain't gonna happen, but even so, it has to be done.

 

I have to start concentrating on me and making my life better. Life without MM is better in the long run, than continuing life as an OW.

 

One word though, try not to torture yourself with thoughts about him and the state of his M. I have done NC many times, and for periods of up to 7 weeks. These thoughts were going around my head until I thought I was loosing my mind. "Did I mean nothing when he can just continue on like nothing has happened?" "Did he lie to me when he said that he loved me?" "Is he now playing happy families at home?" "IS he happy again with the W?" etc etc... I think that you can imagine the rest of those thoughts...? This was complete torture. Then I said "STOP!" and I decided to concentrate on ME. It did work. I was doing really well, and I had just begun to feel that I had a GOOD future without him ahead of me when he broke NC yet again.... Ah well, back to the drawing board, eh?

 

My point is TRY to put him out of your mind (yes, easier said than done, especially with him on your doorstep!). And GET the help that you need. If something doesn't work, try something different! Life is not supposed to be torture and you CAN make it better!

[Meaplus3]

Answerplease,

 

Thank you for your kind words. To be honest, I am quite terrified now that D-day is approaching, but I am gritting my teeth and steeling myself. I know that it has to be done. I am also preparing for the possibility that it ain't gonna happen, but even so, it has to be done.

 

I have to start concentrating on me and making my life better. Life without MM is better in the long run, than continuing life as an OW.

 

One word though, try not to torture yourself with thoughts about him and the state of his M. I have done NC many times, and for periods of up to 7 weeks. These thoughts were going around my head until I thought I was loosing my mind. "Did I mean nothing when he can just continue on like nothing has happened?" "Did he lie to me when he said that he loved me?" "Is he now playing happy families at home?" "IS he happy again with the W?" etc etc... I think that you can imagine the rest of those thoughts...? This was complete torture. Then I said "STOP!" and I decided to concentrate on ME. It did work. I was doing really well, and I had just begun to feel that I had a GOOD future without him ahead of me when he broke NC yet again.... Ah well, back to the drawing board, eh?

 

My point is TRY to put him out of your mind (yes, easier said than done, especially with him on your doorstep!). And GET the help that you need. If something doesn't work, try something different! Life is not supposed to be torture and you CAN make it better!

 

I like what you said about focusing on ME that's a GREAT idea, one I need to adopt right away! It is soooo hard not to think about MM, especially since his bedroom window is next to mine complete torture!!! The worst part is we always had fun with MM and his wife as couples, yes him and I enjoyed the flirting and now that's out of the picture as well. Boy did I get myself in a mess here! It's amazing how feeling's can get in the way. It's funny because I still feel like something more might happen between us sexually, just because we both admitted the chemistry and passion is very strong. I also wonder why he asked me if I would leave my husband? Just still question's on my mind, oh this can drive ya nut's, LOL! Thank's again Jesse for your advice, I will be thiking of you.

[Jessie61]

I like what you said about focusing on ME that's a GREAT idea, one I need to adopt right away! It is soooo hard not to think about MM, especially since his bedroom window is next to mine complete torture!!! The worst part is we always had fun with MM and his wife as couples, yes him and I enjoyed the flirting and now that's out of the picture as well. Boy did I get myself in a mess here! It's amazing how feeling's can get in the way. It's funny because I still feel like something more might happen between us sexually, just because we both admitted the chemistry and passion is very strong. I also wonder why he asked me if I would leave my husband? Just still question's on my mind, oh this can drive ya nut's, LOL! Thank's again Jesse for your advice, I will be thiking of you.

 

AP,

 

I really don't envy you. At least when I have been in NC I have never had to see MM everyday like yourself or any of the other exOW's here that work with their MM. And now while I am preparing for the biggest potential disappointment in my life (OK, I'll admit it.... It would not just be a "disappointment", I'd be crushed!!! ) I am even in a different country, miles and miles away from him!!! I am one of the lucky ones, I guess?

 

Yes, feelings do get in the way sometimes. I wonder would it be easier if we were all just robots???

 

Anyway, as you have said yourself, these questions that you ask could drive a person nuts. But to help myself, I sometimes imagine myself being at some kind of "emotional bootcamp" with me being both the object of all the "booting" AND the Commendant screaming all the orders! It is tough love directed at myself, but it is well intended and I will come out of it better off....

 

I should be grateful for anything, and at least I will have the Soccer World Cup to distract myself pre- and post D day.... Yes, I know, I AM clutching at straws here!!!

 

Keep posting! And DO start looking after yourself! Now, THAT is an order!!!!

[Meaplus3]

AP,

 

I really don't envy you. At least when I have been in NC I have never had to see MM everyday like yourself or any of the other exOW's here that work with their MM. And now while I am preparing for the biggest potential disappointment in my life (OK, I'll admit it.... It would not just be a "disappointment", I'd be crushed!!! ) I am even in a different country, miles and miles away from him!!! I am one of the lucky ones, I guess?

 

Yes, feelings do get in the way sometimes. I wonder would it be easier if we were all just robots???

 

Anyway, as you have said yourself, these questions that you ask could drive a person nuts. But to help myself, I sometimes imagine myself being at some kind of "emotional bootcamp" with me being both the object of all the "booting" AND the Commendant screaming all the orders! It is tough love directed at myself, but it is well intended and I will come out of it better off....

 

I should be grateful for anything, and at least I will have the Soccer World Cup to distract myself pre- and post D day.... Yes, I know, I AM clutching at straws here!!!

 

Keep posting! And DO start looking after yourself! Now, THAT is an order!!!!

 

Hey Jessie,

 

I know it really does SUCK that I have the potential to see this MM everyday! I have been trying so hard to change my routine a bit so I am not leaving my house at the same time as him just to avoid seeing him. I hate to have to live this way as I feel like a prisoner in my own home. But I guess the more I have no visual's of him the better off I will be. I feel so bad that I lost a friend in the process, as we were friend's for such a long time before this whole feeling's thing got in the way. I wish I had never told him how I felt to begin with, for I know that was a MAJOR mistake! I am trying so darn hard to get over this!! I am going to forget about the questions that I still have realize that it does not matter anyway because he and I can never be! It is so easy to dwell on stuff sometimes.

 

The soccer world cup sounds like a GREAT disstraction for you!! I have a tone of event's going on with my kid's to keep me busy, so at least that's something. Thank's again for your kind word's. I am TAKING your order! New rule for me "Logic" and "Rational thinking"!

 

AP

[target-d]

Counseling is a very good idea to help you both cope with the end and figure out why you felt that you needed this in the first place.

 

I greatly differ with Jessie, however. Instead of concentrating on yourself, you should concentrate on your husband. Concentrating on yourself and what you wanted without consideration of your H is part of what got you into this mess in the first place. Have you thought about what the long-term ramification may be of this affair? Have you considered what is going to happen to your husband when he finds out?

 

I don't want to hurt you, but these things are what you should be thinking about rather than how not to think about the husband of the woman who lives next door.

 

(Sorry, I know this sounds a little rough, but I've not had a lot of patience lately.)

[Sup]

I have been invloved in an emotional and slightly physical affair with a MM now for about 6 month's. I am also married. The so called affair is over per MM. I am so besides myself, lost without him. It's very hard for me to forget about him because I see him all the time as he's my neighbor. It is so hard for me to see him outside talking with his wife pretending that nothing has happened. My emotion's have really got a hold of me now, I so need to vent this out to someone. I do not wish at this time to disclose the affair to my husband. I would like to try some counseling by myself first to try and cope with this. I find my self crying all the time over him. I know he still cares about me and I him but we both know that if we continued down the road we were on it would ruin our marriages and cause so much pain to our families. So, I guess my question here is has anyone out there gone to counseling to deal with the end of an affair and if so was it helpful? Thanks.

 

Um, not to sound judgemental, but, are you now gonna let your hubby have HIS turn at some fun with ANOTHER woman, I mean you had yours, why not let him have fun now? Or does hubby HAVE to remain faithful?

 

I mean what would you think about your husband doing this to you? What has hubby NOT been doing for you? (needs)

[Meaplus3]

Counseling is a very good idea to help you both cope with the end and figure out why you felt that you needed this in the first place.

 

I greatly differ with Jessie, however. Instead of concentrating on yourself, you should concentrate on your husband. Concentrating on yourself and what you wanted without consideration of your H is part of what got you into this mess in the first place. Have you thought about what the long-term ramification may be of this affair? Have you considered what is going to happen to your husband when he finds out?

 

I don't want to hurt you, but these things are what you should be thinking about rather than how not to think about the husband of the woman who lives next door.

 

(Sorry, I know this sounds a little rough, but I've not had a lot of patience lately.)

 

What you said is not rough at all! I agree with you and Jessie. On onehand I need to focus on myself to avoid this MM and on the other hand I need to focus on my marriage, however what is most important for me right now is trying to do what I need to do to heal myself from the hurt I have from this affair, something that I just am not willing to share with my H at this moment. I am hoping to deal with this and move on to my marriage. My marriage is not that bad but it does need some work. Thanks.

[Jessie61]

Counseling is a very good idea to help you both cope with the end and figure out why you felt that you needed this in the first place.

 

I greatly differ with Jessie, however. Instead of concentrating on yourself, you should concentrate on your husband. Concentrating on yourself and what you wanted without consideration of your H is part of what got you into this mess in the first place.

 

Perhaps I should have been clearer in my post.... sorry!

 

AP thinking about herself and what SHE needs and wants (as opposed to worrying about MM...) does not obviously exclude the possibility that she will realise that she wants and needs her H?

 

But at this point, my advice was to stop "obessing" about MM and try to get back on track herself with whatever help is available. Only THEN will she be able to focus on her M. She will be no good to anyone if she is as distressed as she appears to be at the moment...

 

And perhaps she might realise that what she has at home is quite wonderful???? I don't think focusing on herself to get over this initial crisis excludes that possibility?

 

Sorry, AP, for talking about you as if you were not here....

[eyeswideshut]

AP,

 

I would suggest counseling, but above all this, learn how to meditate. It is the best individual self-counseling you can do.

I could go on and on about the benefits of meditation, but unless you try it and see for yourself, you won't truly understand.

I am seeing a counselor, but she is into spiritual healing. Energy fields and chakras.

I thought it was a bunch of bull in the beginning, and after 16 sessions I was still trying to "trick" her and play with her mind. (I'm a true cynic)

However, a guy I know forced me into seeing her so i went along.

What she did teach me though is that 50% of the work is what I do outside of the counseling: i.e, daily meditation, staying away from the internet, starting my day off with lots of color (citrus fruits, freshly squeezed), bringing a certain calm and balance into my life.

When OE told me that my MM's actions would mirror mine, it was so wise, and so true.

Everything you bring to you mirrors what you are feeling at the moment and the life lesson you are meant to learn.

She told me that my MM is my ultimate test, that the way I deal with it will teach me enormously about myself.

the truth of the matter is that in the end, it is about yourself.

Why am I not attracting love into my life? because I still have my ex-fiances photos all over my appartment. Not ready to let go of that yet, and it's been two years.

Why did my MM happen in my life?

Well, he came with no commitment, and I was not looking for any commitment.

The bigger picture for me, is that I am not sure what I want yet in life, in a man, for myself. (children, marriage, one sole relationship)

so with all my f***ed up thoughts, came a very f***ed up human being.

It is time to clear it all. For myself. In meditation, you will find the wisdom to understand your choices. and believe me, when you clear the clutter of your mind and your life goals and past relationships, and hurts and issues and fears, you will attract what you are ready for at the time being.

I have a friend who is a feng shui expert.

She told me that the photos of my ex would keep him in my life until I was ready to let go. I thought it was bull, but even my MM told me that the only reason why it wouldn't work out now, was because he knew I was still not over him, (yet he claims he's over his wife).

My friend is a woman of action. She meditated and knew she would find the perfect man. She had an alter, and she prayed, and she found balance in her life. She told herself she would move to the place where her career would boom. She went to NZ and found the love of her life.

(three months earlier she had told me: for once in my life, I am at peace with my place of residence and career) Within weeks of knowing this, she met a man. Didn't think much of it at the time, but is getting married two years later.

A true success story.

Sorry the post is so long.

But you will find a mate that is just right for you. When you are ready, when he is ready, and when all this negativity is cleared away.

This means NC. This means a fresh start. For you, and space for him to clear his own cluttered life.

When you are ready, you will know.

Meditation is the bridge that will take you there in the safest truest way, as though you are listening to your calling.

Good luck,

much love

[Love Hurts]

Refocus on how wrong it was for you to tread there.

When you crossed the line out of the covenant of marriage .. for the wages of sin is death.. follows. I'm not referring to hells damnation.

 

A part of you will or has died. Can you relate to this step? Do you feel partially dead. Something has died.

The love you have for your husband isn't the same. Inner turmoil, emotions and a new thought process takes over, you now grieve your losses.

 

You may simply be lost in the lust of it............ he may have told you all the things your husband is not saying......... He may look better to you than your husband does to you. Perhaps he did things to you your husband does not do. You may have fallen in love with your neighbor.

 

You need to refocus... on your husband............

 

The matter of telling your husband what you did... 'this is the alarm zone'.

Knowing you both (referring to your neighbor) got away with it to some extent and have ceased your actions. Making your spouse aware at this time is exactly why you hid it in the first place.

It's painful news.

 

If you feel you can take this to God quietly in asking forgivness and help getting yourself back together ....I would deal with it that way.

Knowing if your husband finds out.......... there goes the neighborhood. He will confront your lover and his wife. It will break up two marriages.

The entire school district will give you a new name, people talk you know.

Ugly mess.

 

Imagine how difficult it would be for your husband to hold his head up knowing what he does not know now? Just living there will infuriate him.

Often times it's a blessing to be able to hide sin as appose to making headlines with it.

I would deal with this on my own.............. be done.......... go to God / refocus on your husband.

 

Know that none of us is perfect............... we do things we should not do.

You stopped, thats good. Pain hurts, you have to deal with what you chose to do. Like all wounds it is one day at a time. Think of what you are exempt from ,,,, spared from........... by ending it........... you stopped to prevent the break up of two marriages.

 

So many get hurt when one marriage falls apart.

Your human........forgive yourself...once you take it to God do not let guilt hover over your days to weigh you down.

 

Help in dealing with the neighbor now.

Consider how and what you thought of him when you first met him.

You may have thought nice guy, good neighbor. Just enjoyed him as a good person. That is how you need to think of him once again.

 

How do you make that transition? Self will.........How does an alcoholic stop drinking and remain dry for years?

Drug rehab centers... the core is self will.

 

People of addiction need a reason to stop, they need to know it's wrong, they need to know it can and will hurt others. It can be the death of them or some other non suspecting person. It's poor mental, physical and emotional well being.

 

Establish reasons why you need to be free from your addiction,, (I"ll refer to it as that so you can relate to the avenue addicts need to travel on the road to getting over what it is that has them bound ,,, you can lable it what you feel is more appropriate)

 

We are creatures of habbit... you established a routine a pattern.

To stop the cycle of the pattern........... is disruptive ... momentarily you feel like you are missing a few links......

 

This is also part of the healing process. Knowing you have to switch gears. That alone is disruptive to our nature yet alone add those emotions towards another individual into the mix. That makes it more difficult to even function throughout the day.

 

Realizing the avnues you have traveled and the ones you must now venture towards healing is a good place to start.

 

Ok sum it up,,,, God first, forgive yourself, self-will is the tool, knowing we are creatures of habit. 'Over time' emotions will drain from our heart.

The big key is time...................allow yourself lots of that.

 

In the end.

The most difficult avenue to deal with Is memory lane.

Again only time will fade memories left there.

 

 

Going through the healing process is alot of work.......... once you get there.......... do not permit your neighbor to sneak back into your life and catapult you back into no mans land. One brief encounter with him...will take you all the back to square one. That leads to a constant cycle of emotional abuse. You don't need that. Get well, stay well.

If you do the same old things, you get the same old things.

[bevybaby]

LoveHurts, that was really well said. Everything you said is great and very helpful!

 

I too am going through a similar process as you, Answer and just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.

 

How are you holding up? My exMM just ended it...well, it started out mutual then I went back (still holding onto this fantasy world) but it was clear that MM was not living the same fantasy I was and I was an idiot for even taking myself there to begin with.

 

Anyway, I digress, everyday the pain is lessening as reality sets in and I recognize the stupidity. What I am conscience of now is that the sadness I felt for the R ending and the rejection could be replaced with the guilt I feel for having the A in the first place. That can't happen either...it's just as destructive. What's done is done and I will forgive myself and move on.

 

Just think how much stronger this will make us...one GOOD thing HAS to come from this, right??? You know the 'ol saying..."that which does not kill us makes us stronger."

 

LET everyday get a little better. You do have that choice. And give all that energy and love to those kiddies of yours...they're the ones that REALLY deserve it.

 

Love and hugs!

[Meaplus3]

Refocus on how wrong it was for you to tread there.

When you crossed the line out of the covenant of marriage .. for the wages of sin is death.. follows. I'm not referring to hells damnation.

 

A part of you will or has died. Can you relate to this step? Do you feel partially dead. Something has died.

The love you have for your husband isn't the same. Inner turmoil, emotions and a new thought process takes over, you now grieve your losses.

 

You may simply be lost in the lust of it............ he may have told you all the things your husband is not saying......... He may look better to you than your husband does to you. Perhaps he did things to you your husband does not do. You may have fallen in love with your neighbor.

 

You need to refocus... on your husband............

 

The matter of telling your husband what you did... 'this is the alarm zone'.

Knowing you both (referring to your neighbor) got away with it to some extent and have ceased your actions. Making your spouse aware at this time is exactly why you hid it in the first place.

It's painful news.

 

If you feel you can take this to God quietly in asking forgivness and help getting yourself back together ....I would deal with it that way.

Knowing if your husband finds out.......... there goes the neighborhood. He will confront your lover and his wife. It will break up two marriages.

The entire school district will give you a new name, people talk you know.

Ugly mess.

 

Imagine how difficult it would be for your husband to hold his head up knowing what he does not know now? Just living there will infuriate him.

Often times it's a blessing to be able to hide sin as appose to making headlines with it.

I would deal with this on my own.............. be done.......... go to God / refocus on your husband.

 

Know that none of us is perfect............... we do things we should not do.

You stopped, thats good. Pain hurts, you have to deal with what you chose to do. Like all wounds it is one day at a time. Think of what you are exempt from ,,,, spared from........... by ending it........... you stopped to prevent the break up of two marriages.

 

So many get hurt when one marriage falls apart.

Your human........forgive yourself...once you take it to God do not let guilt hover over your days to weigh you down.

 

Help in dealing with the neighbor now.

Consider how and what you thought of him when you first met him.

You may have thought nice guy, good neighbor. Just enjoyed him as a good person. That is how you need to think of him once again.

 

How do you make that transition? Self will.........How does an alcoholic stop drinking and remain dry for years?

Drug rehab centers... the core is self will.

 

People of addiction need a reason to stop, they need to know it's wrong, they need to know it can and will hurt others. It can be the death of them or some other non suspecting person. It's poor mental, physical and emotional well being.

 

Establish reasons why you need to be free from your addiction,, (I"ll refer to it as that so you can relate to the avenue addicts need to travel on the road to getting over what it is that has them bound ,,, you can lable it what you feel is more appropriate)

 

We are creatures of habbit... you established a routine a pattern.

To stop the cycle of the pattern........... is disruptive ... momentarily you feel like you are missing a few links......

 

This is also part of the healing process. Knowing you have to switch gears. That alone is disruptive to our nature yet alone add those emotions towards another individual into the mix. That makes it more difficult to even function throughout the day.

 

Realizing the avnues you have traveled and the ones you must now venture towards healing is a good place to start.

 

Ok sum it up,,,, God first, forgive yourself, self-will is the tool, knowing we are creatures of habit. 'Over time' emotions will drain from our heart.

The big key is time...................allow yourself lots of that.

 

In the end.

The most difficult avenue to deal with Is memory lane.

Again only time will fade memories left there.

 

 

Going through the healing process is alot of work.......... once you get there.......... do not permit your neighbor to sneak back into your life and catapult you back into no mans land. One brief encounter with him...will take you all the back to square one. That leads to a constant cycle of emotional abuse. You don't need that. Get well, stay well.

If you do the same old things, you get the same old things.

 

Love hurt's, this is so very well said and VERY helpful! I think your right about putting this one out to GOD and him alone.. Why go thru telling my husband about this when it just might ruin our marriage for good. Cause if I tell him, I know for a fact that he would tell MM's wife and the whole mess would be a very big disaster for TWO families. I must say I have learned so much about myself and my marriage from this.

 

I did not sleep with MM but we were very close, infact so close that if the two of us were ever in a situation again alone together ( as you mention one brief in counter) I bet it would happen and that is something that scares the heck out of me and MUST be avoided although it will be a very big temptation! Thank's again for all your support.

 

AP

[Meaplus3]

LoveHurts, that was really well said. Everything you said is great and very helpful!

 

I too am going through a similar process as you, Answer and just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.

 

How are you holding up? My exMM just ended it...well, it started out mutual then I went back (still holding onto this fantasy world) but it was clear that MM was not living the same fantasy I was and I was an idiot for even taking myself there to begin with.

 

Anyway, I digress, everyday the pain is lessening as reality sets in and I recognize the stupidity. What I am conscience of now is that the sadness I felt for the R ending and the rejection could be replaced with the guilt I feel for having the A in the first place. That can't happen either...it's just as destructive. What's done is done and I will forgive myself and move on.

 

Just think how much stronger this will make us...one GOOD thing HAS to come from this, right??? You know the 'ol saying..."that which does not kill us makes us stronger."

 

LET everyday get a little better. You do have that choice. And give all that energy and love to those kiddies of yours...they're the ones that REALLY deserve it.

 

Love and hugs!

 

Thank's bevy-baby for your kind word's. We will end up much stronger in the end here!! I wish you the very best with your situation and the healing process.

 

AP

[pcakes]

Answerplease37,

I wish I would have seen your post sooner. Have you been to counsiling?

 

I have been going through the same thing, almost so simular to your story it is scary.

I had an EA with my M neighbor also, lasted a few months this past winter/spring. It has been 2 months now since we decided it couldn't go on. This has been the hardest 2 months. One day I am fine and wonder why I have problems coping at all and the next day I can hardly stand it.

 

Like you said you feel like a prisoner in your own home. I try not to be outside as much as I used to when he is out, I keep finding myself watching to see what he/they are doing. Thing is, we (my H and I) are freinds with MM and his W too. So we still do things together, that seems to be getting easier as time goes on, but it still hurts to see him with W.

 

I can't say I have had NC that is for sure, cuz we still e-mail and see each other weekly, only as friends and usually with the spouses.

 

I have wondered about counsiling for myself but just can't bring myself to do it.

We have in the past week asked each other how we are dealing with things. It made me feel better to find out he has good days and bad ones too. It also made me feel good to know he misses talking to me more and is thinking about me still. I know that is a really sad thing to be happy about, being we both know this can't work and both still love our spouses. I will never tell my husband, that would hurt so many other people, he says he will take this to his grave too.

 

Sorry to give my whole story, I just wanted you to know that there are other people out there with the same issues and your story just hit so close to home.

Hope things are better.

[Sinistervixen]

When you are ready, you will know.

Meditation is the bridge that will take you there in the safest truest way, as though you are listening to your calling.

 

 

 

I really loved this eyeswideshut.

[bunset]

AP,

 

I wonder how you are doing?

I am so very sick of hearing from folks that are doom and gloom because someone experiences such strong emotions "outside the bounds of marriage".

We cannot give good advice, you know. We have no way of knowing what the betrayed (or possibly) spouses contribute to such a situation.

I can pretty well guarantee, any relationship with strong emotion that involves more than 2 people will be complicated and someone, if not all, will get hurt. How complicated, and how hurt is hidden in the hearts of ALL parties.