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crazy situation: unwitting ow in love triangle?


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ShandaLear

hey all - i'm really grateful for this forum because i need to talk to people who won't condemn me for my decision to keep up contact with a guy in a relationship.

 

a little backstory: i guess you could say i'm the OW in an EA - i met "bob" at a gathering for a mutual friend and we clicked immediately as geeks. we were strictly friends for a few months and even though i hadn't met her at the time, i knew of bob's live-in g/f of five years "tina". as we got closer, bob and i started flirting playfully and one night we were talking about physical attraction and ended up confiding that we each had serious crushes on the other. but he wasn't shady at all about tina and said she'd asked to meet me because he couldn't stop gushing about me. i was relieved he wasn't keeping me a secret because that could have been really bad, but was still wondering how much he'd told her since our conversations had gotten fairly racy. btw, i'm an avowed polyamorist so i don't mind sharing and bob had said he feels similarly.

 

so we all decided to have lunch one day that weekend. i'm attracted to women as well and although she isn't my type at all, i could see that tina was a very conventionally pretty girl - but it dawned on me that she was nowhere near as bright and witty as bob. i'm a little younger than both of them - four years for bob and three years for tina, but bob and i carried on seamlessly while tina just sort of giggled her way through the conversation. i left unimpressed but was very careful to make myself available to tina as a friend (exchanging numbers, e-mails, etc.)

 

tina and i struck up a correspondence. it was begrudging on my part though i went out of my way to keep it civil and engaging. tina was constantly mock-challenging me with things i guess out of insecurity (?) but it was making me uncomfortable so i kept deflecting. meanwhile bob and i got more and more intimate with our conversations and even though we never got more physical than light cuddling (no kissing, hand-holding), one night he told me he felt terrible because although he was in a relationship with a woman he loved, he had feelings for me he couldn't ignore and didn't know what to do. i felt really guilty about how mushy we had gotten so far, so i told him to try to relax and take it slow and that since he and tina had been together for so long it was probably in his best interests to stick with her despite my returned feelings. he decided i was right and so we started to be more vigilant about being 'just friends' and lessened our contact.

 

conversely, tina and i began to talk more and she became more endearing to me even though we didn't have much we could talk about outside of cosmo magazine topics like sex and makeup. bob coolly told me that she began to start gushing about me as well, and when i called him jealous (jokingly insinuating that i was going to steal his g/f), he snorted and said, "i am!" i realized then that he may not have been interested in sharing me with his g/f for whatever reason. at the time i figured it was because i was the only friend he had who she wasn't close to as well, so he could find some sort of escape in me or something, and her getting close to me would of course rob him of that.

 

things got worse when later that week, tina drunk-dialed me and confided that she and bob had begun to "playfully fight over" me and that she wanted to know if i would be interested in joining them for a threesome because they both "trusted" me and it's hard for them to find girls they both like. i didn't know what to say. the chance to sleep with bob is something i would kill for but in order to keep their balance right i know i would have to devote most of my attention to tina, who i'm not at all attracted to and am barely friends with. so i told her that it was a lot to put on my plate at that time and that we'd see, and she told me to sleep on it and get back to her. that was two weeks ago. she hasn't brought it up since and i haven't told him about my conversation with her. i assume they've discussed it on some level but i just don't understand how he can be okay with her presumably having sex with me alongside him but isn't okay with her talking to me as a friend. since he's apparently going along with this, i think he's trying to be opportunistic and as a result, i kind of want to be as well... this is like a winning free space on our sex bingo card!

 

angel on my shoulder sez to lay low. devil on my shoulder sez to do it since it's an opportunity to get my hands on bob. angel sez it'll destroy their relationship. devil doesn't care and sez it's none of my business if that happens.

 

thoughts? suggestions? prayers? i could use any and all of the above. :eek:

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I don't think you're going to find the advice/support/encouragement you're looking for in this forum. You would probably be better off going to some swinging singles/swinging couples type forum where problems about what might happen would be discussed.

 

Having said that, and from the little I've heard, and what makes perfect sense to me, is that when people go into this type of thing, everyone should be on board. Meaning, no secrets. You may be a polyamorist but these people aren't. I have a feeling they want to fulfill a fantasy and you have become available. The problem is, his W doesn't know the real attraction you and he have, which could only lead to trouble. And you have to decide whether you want to listen to the angel or the devil, because in my opinion, this is going to very possibly destroy their relationship.

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ShandaLear

thx for the feedback. i don't know that i agree this is a swinging issue - i think this is a fidelity issue disguised as a swinging issue. but i think i'm going to side with the angel for now... if he and i are meant to be, we will be someday and introducing sex would make this even more excruciating.

 

basically i feel like if i said yes and joined them, he would be cheating by not fully disclosing his feelings - just because it's happening in front of her doesn't mean it's honest. this is my first time being an OW but i've been a BG before, even as a poly. it would be deceit on both our parts if i did it. we could probably get away with it but i'm less concerned about their relationship (which is already destroyed if this is an issue) than i am being an accomplice if we don't. if he leaves her for me (which he's intimated) i don't want any trouble on her end.

 

i mainly just wanted reassurance that he wasn't a sleazeball (it's hard to end a relationship after many years when what you want on the other side may or may not offer stability), i wasn't a hussy for continuing to provide myself emotionally and even though i definitely feel bad for tina, if he's not happy... but then again i'm no relationship expert - i'm probably single for a reason.

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Well I was addressing this threesome thing only. And it wouldn't be right if there is not open and honest communication about it. That's why I said she might not realize what she's getting into.

 

Without getting into all the other stuff, I would try to listen to the angel.

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RealityCheck
Well I was addressing this threesome thing only. And it wouldn't be right if there is not open and honest communication about it. That's why I said she might not realize what she's getting into.

 

Without getting into all the other stuff, I would try to listen to the angel.

 

*peaks in on thread*

 

YIKES!

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Try posting your questions on the How To board on this site:

 

http://www.literotica.com:81/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=6

 

There are people there who are experienced with threesomes and swinging and can give you all kinds of advice on what to look out for, the kinds of conversations that three of you need to have, and all the questions/concerns that need to be worked out before entering into a relationship like that.

 

It's an 18 or above site - I'm assuming you're at least 18 years old, hopefully older if you're contemplating something like a threesome.

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ShandaLear

:/

 

thx for the replies. my point was less about how to effectively swing with this couple - which i'm not interested in doing, for the record - as it was to see if anyone else had been involved in a similar circumstance (with the w or g/f initiating some sort of intimate connection), decide whether or not i should go for it as it's probably my one shot at being physical with him without any repercussions (especially if i cut it off after one experience) or get a splash of cold water in the face over him leaving her for me. if i were to ask swingers about this, they would laugh me out of the room because swinging isn't (or shouldn't be about) an emotional connection. if it were solely about sex, i wouldn't be so conflicted.

 

but i'll ask elsewhere regardless. thx for the consideration anyway.

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Blind Illusion

You would be opening all kinds of Pandora's boxes by being with the both of them as a route to be with Bob in some acceptable way. I'm not saying this from any moralistic view....I just think there is too much entanglemwnt with this scene to work out right.

 

I'm curious. If you didn't mention your bisexuality, would Bob have just initiated something between just the two of you?

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ShandaLear
I'm curious. If you didn't mention your bisexuality, would Bob have just initiated something between just the two of you?

 

i don't think he would have. when we were just friends and would talk about relationships and things of that nature, he would go on and on about how wrong cheating was and how he was far too honest a person to do it. something i know from my own experiences as a betrayed g/f is that sometimes the people most high and mighty about infidelity are the first to do it.

 

something i've wondered about recently is whether he would initiate something between us after the threesome, as if that would give us license to have sex outside of tina's participation. i could certainly see him trying.

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