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#$*&!!!! He sucked me in!


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zarathustra

Hey guys and gals.

 

I've been doing quite well since I last sent my xMM an email indicating that I only want to talk to him about business related matters. I don't know what the f#ck just happened, but I got sucked into IMing with him about how I've been, etc.

 

WTF! Anyway, live and learn, right? I'll just have to not respond to him from now on and keep things (even business stuff) short.

 

Was going to say short and sweet, but why bother with the latter :lmao:

 

Actually, I'm not feeling so good right now because of it. RC, if you are reading this, I'll need a lesson from you on how to not respond to emails and stuff from the ex.

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RealityCheck

Zara.....

 

OMG!! I know! I know! It can happen so easily!!

(like a freakin funnel!)

 

HOLD ON GIRL!!!

 

Zara you still have the grip because you are instantly aware! That's very good! Don't be so hard on yourself! You have been doing so incredibly well!!! *big hug*

 

I guess for me and remaining strong to not responding to the F*ckers emails is because though I am excited, at the same time I get nausiated! My ego mind is saying "do it, just this once" while my "Self" is sick at the thought in "absolute knowing" that I will be setting myself up to start all over again!

 

Sara, I am tired of my mind trying to manipulate the truth!

I left my M because I grew tired of being dictated and feeling manipulated! This is what keeps me strong in this situation.

 

I shutter at the thought that I would accept my "Ideal" man as a COWARD AND SELFISH. These characteristics do not turn me on! Never have!

 

So I just try to keep it in perspective and draw on my TRUTH.

 

Sara, you may have tripped, but you certainly were not down for the count!

 

*BIG HUG*

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Blind Illusion

Ahhh Zara, I know how easy it is to become reeled back in again. I was nodding my head as I read your post. There must be a series of classes out there, somewhere, called "Reeling the OW Back In" that they all attended.

 

I'm sure it looks something like this:

 

Semester 1: How to reappear like nothing has happened: Married men students learn the art of reappearing in a woman's life like no time ever elapsed at all. Learn how to make her feel like she misses you immensely by talking about her and catering to a few of her wishes. At least the hint that you will.

 

Semester 2: Reeling Dialogues for the Beginner: Tongue tied after you encounter a former OW? Learn exactly what to say so that any previous issues that might be there, aren't discussed at this point. In no time at all, the OW will feel smitten with you all over again.

 

Semester 3: Advanced Techniques for the Repeated Reeler: In this final seminar, learn what to do when all your previous reeling efforts fail because of constant overuse. Learn what to do when emails remain unsent and phone calls go unreturned. Divorce court a possible pre-requisite for this advanced seminar.

----------------

OK, Now I am scaring myself..lol

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BlindIllusion........

 

*applause*

 

That was halarious!!!

 

*on the floor*

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Summer Courses Available!!

 

For those who have failed Semester 1, 2, & 3

 

SIGN UP NOW! IT'S FREE!!!

 

We'll make sure you get it!

 

*laughing*

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movinon05

Hey Zara,

 

You stepped in the dog poop again. Ring a bell? Only this time with him.

 

Unfortunately, you're still going to have to be on your guard with this one as well.

 

RC has it going on! You can do it too. You do have to be short and to the point with business matters and not even get into other matters.

 

(((Hugs)))

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movinon05
Ahhh Zara, I know how easy it is to become reeled back in again. I was nodding my head as I read your post. There must be a series of classes out there, somewhere, called "Reeling the OW Back In" that they all attended.

 

I'm sure it looks something like this:

 

Semester 1: How to reappear like nothing has happened: Married men students learn the art of reappearing in a woman's life like no time ever elapsed at all. Learn how to make her feel like she misses you immensely by talking about her and catering to a few of her wishes. At least the hint that you will.

 

Semester 2: Reeling Dialogues for the Beginner: Tongue tied after you encounter a former OW? Learn exactly what to say so that any previous issues that might be there, aren't discussed at this point. In no time at all, the OW will feel smitten with you all over again.

 

Semester 3: Advanced Techniques for the Repeated Reeler: In this final seminar, learn what to do when all your previous reeling efforts fail because of constant overuse. Learn what to do when emails remain unsent and phone calls go unreturned. Divorce court a possible pre-requisite for this advanced seminar.

----------------

OK, Now I am scaring myself..lol

 

Thank you for that! Boy does that sound familiar!! You just reimnded me of what I am going to have to deal with when the confrontation occurs.

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Walking away

I am telling you....you guys crack me up! I am sitting here rolling!

 

Thanks for the comic relief!

 

You guys rock!

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zarathustra

I just got home... and boy did I need that. I had dinner with my friend... ate very little and then as I drove home, I kept crying for no reason at all. When i got home and read what you all wrote, RC, MO, WA and BI, you all are amazing and cheered me right up!!

 

Thanks!!! Thanks for all the support!

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ADVANCED CLASSES NOW AVAILABLE

 

-Learn to let go of your authentic self and become Master EGO.

-Learn to really not think about inflicting pain on the OW or W

-Learn to enjoy the submission benefits without any guilt whatsoever

-Learn to financially please both women

-Learn to multi-task and be at two places at once

-Learn to have it ALL and give nothing back

 

YES! YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL!

 

BECOME A BA**TARD AND REAP THE REWARDS

 

*laughing*

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Walking away

I gotta say, this is a hellava lot better than being the sad sacks we have been in the past!

 

Not only are you guys amazing, bright, intelligent, and a whole bunch of other stuff.....you have KILLER senses of humors! :):):)

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Hi Zara, listen, I soooooo identify with what happened to you.

 

I have (not lately though) found myself chatting online with ex-MM, and I've realised this:

 

When it starts - I feel all happy and warm and fuzzy. On a sub-concious level, I'm anticipating that ol' lovin' feeling I guess.

 

Whilst it's happening - we chat about life and it clearly reminds me, with up-to-date examples, of how worlds apart we are now. Then, it makes me sad because that ol' lovin' feeling is gone, and it's merely a reminder of that.

 

When it's finished - he gets offline, I'm sure, thinking how that pepped him up... again, substituted whatever his day lacked... you know, that whole "how are you going" like someone cares about his well-being, without being reliant on it.

 

I however, get offline, feeling sad. Sad the feelings are gone, angry he made them go, humiliated I still listen to his s***, naive for thinking he really does give a crap about how I'm going, dissappointed for not being strong enough to resist the urge to talk to him, sore in my heart for being hurt by him and that's "ok" with him that he did this and his life goes on apparantly unscathed, ashamed in my head for doing what I would NEVER recommend anyone else in my situation to do, depressed for re-visiting just the pain of this situation for putting it back in the front of my thoughts, and generally unmotivated for the combination of all the above. It has then taken a couple of days to lose that because other daily events become more prominent.

 

Even now, if I saw him online, it would take some effort to ignore him. It's that feeling... the good ones that were unlike any I've had with anyone else that drown out and compromise my ability to take into account all the other bad ones also associated with that same person. Goes to show how strong the good ones were, I guess.

 

So, I just deleted him of my contacts list. Yes, I admit, he got re-added, then deleted a couple of times, because it was just so hard to 'let him go'.

 

But, you know, I really have to emphasise this. For me, I had to realise what I missed and crave more than anything, is the feeling he gave me. MY feeling that I had about myself when he was around.

 

THAT'S what I miss. I can't identify it with anyone else. He was the catalyst for it being borne, and having a life of it's own.... and boy, it felt great. No wonder drugs like heroin must be so addictive. How can you give up heroin, for example, and the fantastic feeling it gives you at the time, and accept that feeling might not be able to be replaced with something else? How do you just let it go? It FEELS just so damned good, so how to you accept you must give it up? (I've not been a heroin user for those that think I'm literally seeking answers to the heroin analogy).

 

To reconcile that feeling within myself, and disassociate him from it - that is, in the most simplest of terms, the HARDEST thing I have been really trying to do. I'm still on that road to realisation. But, it's NOT impossible. It can't be. If it was, we'd all only be able to love one person only in our lives, and many people don't. They change and evolve and the source of that great feeling in themselves can change and evolve with them.

 

I have faith this can and will happen to me. I don't know how, or when, or why or what to do in the meantime to speed it up. I don't know if that's within my control. All I can do is what is within my control and that is, to let myself evolve. Nothing changes unless I change it. Nothing will be new or interesting whilst it remains the same.

 

Sometimes it's like me against the machine of my own addiction to making other people determine my sense of worth. But, I can, and will, silently fight this battle, and I really do think I'm winning it. I'm yet to say "here's the evidence that what I'm doing is right and fixes my problem", but I can feel it inside me that I'm making a difference, and it's for the better for myself. I DO know absolutely 100% for sure it's not for the worse, and that motivates me to keep heading into the unknown territory I'm walking into.

 

This is, for me, not just about the MM... it's about me.. the constant rejection I had a child from my father, the boys at school who teased me for no other reason than I didn't defend myself, the boyfriends I've had who all just treated me like a doormat... MM felt SO different to all of these situations and packaged up feelings in me that "solved" my insecurities.

 

The problem is... he wasn't that different to the rest of them after all. So, what is it about ME that I need to change to stop this from happening to me again? I have ALWAYS said I hate that saying "it's not the destination, it's the journey that counts", and I still do! I hate this journey. I just want to get to my destination. Unfortunately, I can't have the destination without it.

 

Many smokers give up the ciggies, but never stop craving one. I've met many who have admitted this. To me, that's my 'worst case' scenario. That I never lose my desire to feel as good as I did when my MM was around. If I can accept that feeling may be present for the rest of my life, then fine, I just have to work around it.

 

That's the worst case, and to be honest, I really think it's not likely to happen anyway. Unlike smokers who have that one source to feed their addiction, I don't believe, and will do my best to not empower, one person to feed that desire in me, who I can not have in my life, and for all obvious reasons, shouldn't want in my life even if I could have him.

 

Things won't go back the way they were for you, or me, or many other people who read these posts. That's a fact. BUT, the good thing is, we no longer have to wave him goodbye as he drives off to go home to his wife. I think of that and it soon makes this all a lot easier to tolerate for the majority of the time.

 

Zara, I know it's hard. I really and absolutely truly do. We're survivors, and this is survivable. Without sounding like *that song*, the truth really is - we will survive.

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Ozgirl...

 

There are so many similiarities in your post as to the reasons why I remain NC.

 

The BIG one is I never want anyone to have that much POWER over ME!

Secondly, it is the high of the feeling and craving of having more!

It is truly all of the "Love" and "Lack Of" that is addicting!

 

I so am aware of this, and I gotta say, I will make it my mission to let this go!

 

Do they have a Re-hab for this sort of thing...lol

 

Great Post!

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Walking away

Ozgirl,

 

I couldn't have said it any better. You mirrored my thoughts EXACTLY.

 

We are on this road to emotional health together, girl.

 

You have inspired me. Thanks.

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Well, I have to admit, sometimes, I start posting and then I think, you know, I'm not holding back on the truth - there's no point.

 

To even say my own problems might stem from my childhood and relationship with my father who I was never "good enough" for. He literally died in my loving arms 6 months ago. I feel bad talking about him like this. I loved him dearly and I know he waited for me to be the one to be there with him, even though appeared to not be concious when I arrived and from that point on.

 

Even this situation just reminds me - where was the man who declared himself my soul mate when I was just a mess for so many reasons associated with the weekend my Dad passed away. WHERE THE HELL WAS HE? He wasn't there for me. That's where he was. He was where he'd always been.

 

Not there for me.

 

I got teary posting my last post. I swing between being really scared, and really triumphant, and everytime I admit "out aloud" maybe in my mind or in these posts something true about myself to help others not feel so iscolated or "singled out" in their own painful times, I peal away a layer and 's*** my pants', as we say over here, that I'm making a mistake or will discover something to hard to bare - and like the rest of everyone here - I've bared my fair share in the last 8 months. I just don't know if I can take anymore.

 

But, then, you know, girls, maybe it's that survival instinct that tells me to just to it slowly and in small pieces. That's where the triumph comes in. I get happy and quietly proud of myself - another problem which was long due to be admitted and dealt with finally behind me - for good.

 

I fear, more than anything, never feeling "that feeling" ever again. You all know the one I'm talking about it. If I had to show you what it looked like it would be a photo of the MM. I still see his face and miss him so much my veins hurt. It really is an emotional fight. The biggest I've ever had.

 

So, rather than trying to get that feeling back, I'm trying to learn to live without it.

 

The problem is, and it's mentioned on another recent post in the OW/OM forum, I fear I'm merely achieving nothing but the ability to be distant, insular, unreceptive and unwanting of "that feeling". Should the opportunity to have it come my way, I may just reject it to stay comfortably numb.

 

I don't know yet if that's the case. It's a tightrope walk to try and get rid of my desire for that feeling, without losing the ability to desire it again. I don't want to kill my OWN desire completely. But, I have to be rid of my association with the MM and it.

 

I know this sounds REALLY stupid, but I just don't want to listen to a lot of music I used to listen to anymore. It's just too sad to hear of love found, or too close-close-to-the-bone to hear of love lost.

 

BUT, whenever I get really down, I listen to "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers. I don't like country music in particular, and you are the only peeps who I would admit this to! But, the words of that song... they make it all okay to just take a deep breath and accept myself - for the time being.

 

I hate this - how so many people are enduring the same thing. It's just SO pointless for a person to step outside their marriage to seek the gratification they're lacking within it. To think that without his marriage, he wouldn't have "needed" me just makes my stomach churn. For all I was hoping for (him leaving W), the truth is, without her, he probably wouldn't want me anyway.

 

WA - you inspire me, too. Soooo many people here do.

 

More than you'll ever know.

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alwayslearn

May I ask what "NC" stands for please? Thank you so much.

 

 

 

Ozgirl...

 

There are so many similiarities in your post as to the reasons why I remain NC.

 

The BIG one is I never want anyone to have that much POWER over ME!

Secondly, it is the high of the feeling and craving of having more!

It is truly all of the "Love" and "Lack Of" that is addicting!

 

I so am aware of this, and I gotta say, I will make it my mission to let this go!

 

Do they have a Re-hab for this sort of thing...lol

 

Great Post!

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Walking away

I try to keep my posts pretty generalized, as I do not know if my xMM is still checking my posts here on LS, but, what the hell....

 

I have walked and still walk in the shoes of SO MANY of us. It is an arduous, tedious walk that is littered with highs and lows. Even though the affair is over, the emotional roller coaster ride continues for me. For, I have good days and bad days. And, I cringe when the bad days come.

 

I, too, am doing everything I can to purge this man from my heart and soul. No small task to be sure. But, as I take baby steps away from him, I am finding myself again. Too slowly for my comfort, but nevertheless, I am finding my strength again.

 

Often times, I sit and shake my head wondering how I arrived at this place in my life. For I am a strong, independent woman who would never THINK of sharing a man with another woman. Ok, to be fair, I didn't know he was married until I was in love with him, but I became, stupidly, a willing partner after that.

 

I always prided myself on being SO strong, but where was that strength when I needed it most? Poof! Gone, along with my heart.

 

I have my weak moments too. More than I care to say. All I can say now is that I am finally in strict NC. It is the only way for me to heal and for him to save his marriage.

 

I will hurt just like everyone else. But, what is new? I have hurt throughout the entirety of this affair from the moment I found out there was another in his life.

 

It is a heartbreaking, heartwrenching road that we walk, but I MUST believe that there is happiness at the other end. I must believe that for that is what is keeping me going.

 

Zara, Ozgirl, and the rest of us in NC, stay strong. We are fighting for our very lives now. Our self respect is on the line now. And, we CANNOT let ourselves down. We owe it to ourselves to have happiness and emotional freedom.

 

From the darkness will come light. Believe it.

 

You all have become my very good friends. The only ones I can talk to for you understand intimately what I go through.

 

Bless you all. I am in ALL of your corners....

 

WA

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I have (not lately though) found myself chatting online with ex-MM, and I've realised this:

 

When it starts - I feel all happy and warm and fuzzy. On a sub-concious level, I'm anticipating that ol' lovin' feeling I guess.

 

Whilst it's happening - we chat about life and it clearly reminds me, with up-to-date examples, of how worlds apart we are now. Then, it makes me sad because that ol' lovin' feeling is gone, and it's merely a reminder of that.

 

When it's finished - he gets offline, I'm sure, thinking how that pepped him up... again, substituted whatever his day lacked... you know, that whole "how are you going" like someone cares about his well-being, without being reliant on it.

 

I however, get offline, feeling sad. Sad the feelings are gone, angry he made them go, humiliated I still listen to his s***, naive for thinking he really does give a crap about how I'm going, dissappointed for not being strong enough to resist the urge to talk to him, sore in my heart for being hurt by him and that's "ok" with him that he did this and his life goes on apparantly unscathed......

 

So, I just deleted him of my contacts list. Yes, I admit, he got re-added, then deleted a couple of times, because it was just so hard to 'let him go'.

 

No wonder drugs like heroin must be so addictive. How can you give up heroin, for example, and the fantastic feeling it gives you at the time, and accept that feeling might not be able to be replaced with something else? How do you just let it go? It FEELS just so damned good, so how to you accept you must give it up? (I've not been a heroin user for those that think I'm literally seeking answers to the heroin analogy).

 

 

Ozgirl,

 

I was nodding so much reading your post that I got repetitive strain injury in my neck!!!! :)

 

The description of how you feel during the process of "renewed contact" is exactly how I have felt time and time and time again! And I have also deleted his number on my phone and his contact details on my email account more times than I can remember... :o

 

This is what it must be like being addicted to a drug???

 

Anyway, I have read the whole thread and I think we're all brilliant; despite everything we can still laugh and we remain positive. At times, you are all truely hilarious and you really make me laugh out loud! :lmao: What a tonic that is!

 

But we still acknowledge that it is hard sometimes and that there are moments when we all feel weak and vulnerable. When we fail we are not "massacred", but we get kind understanding and positive encouragement instead.... Call me a "soft spot", but I find that very touching at times!

 

This is what REAL support is all about, isn't it!??! Let's keep it up, right??? :bunny:

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OzGirl, I just wanted to say that your posts on this thread have been bang on, for me. I have been through so many similar thoughts, feelings, stages. Everything from the parental rejection, and recent death of parents, to the idea of the 'love feeling' that you've pasted onto someone who may not have been worthy of that adoration (my last relationship, for certain).

 

I won't comment on every little bit, because so much of it was real for me, that I'd be here all day. Just this:

 

The problem is, and it's mentioned on another recent post in the OW/OM forum, I fear I'm merely achieving nothing but the ability to be distant, insular, unreceptive and unwanting of "that feeling". Should the opportunity to have it come my way, I may just reject it to stay comfortably numb.

 

I don't know yet if that's the case.

 

FWIW... I don't think it will be the case. Don't be afraid of that happening. There IS light at the end of the tunnel, for certain. Overcoming such a beginning in life, such a past IS a struggle... but you will get there.

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Why not block him from your IM list?

 

I know the urge to know how he is doing is strong, but when you know he can suck you back in, you will have to block him.

 

Unblock him when you feel comfortable enough that you will not get reeled in.

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zarathustra
Why not block him from your IM list?

 

I know the urge to know how he is doing is strong, but when you know he can suck you back in, you will have to block him.

 

Unblock him when you feel comfortable enough that you will not get reeled in.

Unfortunately, I cannot block him. I work with him and if its not IM, it will be something else. I have already deleted him from my buddy list but while I can block him from mine, I really shouldn't as we use IM as a form of communication between team members.

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zarathustra

Everyone, you have been phenomenal!!

 

OzGirl, you have posted my exact feelings when you talked about how it felt to 'chat' with him.

 

Its funny you used the smoking analogy. I quit smoking a long time ago. I can resist smoking, but damn!! I miss those cigarettes.

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Same concept as what I just posted in another thread...

 

If you're going to go NC with someone...

 

 

Change your IM and email accounts so that they can't reach you that anymore.

 

Change your mobile/home phone numbers...for the same reason.

 

Delete their numbers and contact info at the same time...so that it makes it that much more difficult for you to contact them when YOU start to give in.

 

This needs to happen like this simply because anything less nearly always prolongs the contact until either you give in and the affair resumes, or until you finally get disgusted and REALLY blow up.

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zarathustra
Same concept as what I just posted in another thread...

 

If you're going to go NC with someone...

 

 

Change your IM and email accounts so that they can't reach you that anymore.

 

Change your mobile/home phone numbers...for the same reason.

 

Delete their numbers and contact info at the same time...so that it makes it that much more difficult for you to contact them when YOU start to give in.

 

This needs to happen like this simply because anything less nearly always prolongs the contact until either you give in and the affair resumes, or until you finally get disgusted and REALLY blow up.

 

I would if but he and I work together on the same projects. So there are times when he needs to contact me for work related stuff.

 

I'll just have to learn not to fall into the trap of talking to him.

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If you're going to go NC with someone...

 

Change your IM and email accounts so that they can't reach you that anymore.

 

Change your mobile/home phone numbers...for the same reason.

 

This isn't always possible. In my situation NOBODY knew about MM - and I mean nobody! - and I could not explain to all my friends WHY I needed to change all my numbers etc. I thought about it, and did block MM on my email account, but changing numbers? Even if I did, he'd still have my work number which I COULDN'T change... And he obviously knew where I live, which is where he would normally appear if I tried to ignore him... :(

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