Critical Point (very long)

[CKsLover]

I just found this site, and I have to tell my story. I haven't done the deed yet, maybe someone here has some wisdom for me.

 

My H and I had been married for about four years when I found out he had been emailing a girl (19) in Canada. We live in a MidAtlantic state. Very sexually explicit. I cried for weeks. It was just pure intuition that something was wrong, and that's when I checked the email. He told me it was nothing and I believed him, and eventually forgot about it.

 

Fast forward another six years, the little sparks of intuition are there, but I did a great job of ignoring them. The H was to come pick me from work one day. I couldn't reach him on his cell and went to his voicemail. I decided to check it. Lo and behold, a three minute message of this woman--this same woman--begging pleading and beseeching him to contact her. It was NYE when she left the message. I'm not even sure, but I think I had an out of body experience. I know people were talking me at work, but I didn't hear a thing and then my H picks me up behaving very romantically. I tried to wait, but I unleashed hell.

 

Obviously, I'm leaving out a lot, but what happened over the next three months was an unraveling of my life. I didn't know who I was w/o H, my self-esteem was tanked. I did a lot of investigating---a lot--and eventually found the hotel records. There were even reservations for her on my birthday. The H still insists it was just a friendship in which she alone got inappropriate. I live with his lies day in and day out. I can't bring myself to confront him with this knowledge. I have told him since we married that I would leave if he were untrue...but now I am so heavily invested, and honestly I would rather cut out my heart than allow my children to live in a broken home like I did.

 

I cried everyday for the entire three months. I lost 14 pounds in 10 days. I believe I delevoped an ulcer, never checked it out. I fell behind at work (which was a new job, I had been a SAHM for five years before). I had already been going through a personal crisis and this came along and broke me. Maybe these things go unsaid, but I was sure I would commit suicide (it wasn't even a question to me toward the end), and the thought of taking him with me certainly crossed my mind. I don't have the space to describe how dark these days were. I had no will to go on, just the kids to get me up in the morning, and knowing myself, I was actively negotiating in my head how my kids would be better off without a wounded mother.

 

Part of the problem was that I allowed myself to become so isolated. With all my friends scattered about the country,there really isn't a soul that I was close enough to, to discuss this. I found a few Internet boards dedicated to my personal interests and started posting heavily. I happen to be really fond of a particular sport. Though the board was not sports-related, I made a very innocuous post asking if anyone on board was a fan of this particular sport.

 

And then he came along. We chatted for several days about the sport and our love of physical fitness, and then he suggested we exchange emails. We did, and then pictures, and then phone numbers. So for the past six weeks, we have spoken, emailed, IMd, and txt each other constantly. I know I was ripe for the plucking. I reason that I was actively trying to heal myself by pursuing my own personal interests. I was working overtime on my M to fix it as well. And as I had lost all of my self-esteem this person came along at the perfect time to help in my recovery.

 

It became very intense very fast. For example, in our second week, I took a day off. In the nine hours I was home alone, I spent seven on the phone with him. This has happened several times at work as well. Every day, I save about 50 pages of IMs from chatting at work. BTW, he is engaged. But regardless of my involvement, I highly doubt he'll actually marry her. Their baggage is pretty heavy. And I know that as fact by hearing with my own ears how abusive she is.

 

The problem is I've fallen pretty hard for him. I know hero worship may be a part of it, but I just marvel at how this person came along at exactly the right time. Only recently have I even mentioned my husband's A and only in vague terms (he talked to some chick in Canada), so that he would not think I was seeking revenge. I really, truly was not. So without knowing anything of my dark days, he really delivered all that I needed and turned out to be a really cool dude too. He read me like a book, honestly. We've both agreed no matter what our friendship is very important and nothing will stop it.

 

We are planning our first meeting. I can't think of anything else and it's showing on my face. I think my H is now having his own intuition. The truth of the matter is if we didn't have kids, I would jump ship. (The truth is the A was the final nail in the coffin, I have been physically abused, financially destroyed, and emotionally neglected by H for years). My H earns a substantial income now after a lot of struggling and I guess I'm a stupid whore for not wanting to let go after the fruits of our labor are literally just now coming in. I know I cannot afford to live on my own in our area, and that would force our kids (5,3) into a not-so-great school district.

 

I'm in deep, and I think I love him,though. We've got some time before our scheduled meeting, and with my H having an inkling, anything can happen. I have no desire for my H and steal every chance possible to talk to him. We're really involved in some things outside of our romantic link, and I've really come to value him in my life. I am really afraid of what would happen to me if H knew for sure and I felt I had to stop speaking to him.

[Blind Illusion]

There is nothing I could really advise you regarding this without sounding like a hypocrite. I have done this all.

1. Found someone online that made me feel whole again
   
2. Met them
   
3. Lived life for our moments together.

I never made the connection in my mind that my marriage wasn't a good one and shouldn't be since there was too much water under the bridge and I needed something else in my life. My affair became my marriage's bandage. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. It enabled me to not feel so lost in it and in life but at a price. Guess everything has a price, huh?

 

I , for one , don't think you are stupid for not wanting to give up a certain lifestyle, especially for your children. Who actively goes looking for struggles. I can appreciate this fact even though today I might advise differently.

 

I would probably advise differently against lots of things: staying in the marriage, meeting this man, etc but like I preambled this post, I'd feel like a hypocrite. Hindsight is always 20/20 and becomes even more astute if you are on the outside looking in.

[CKsLover]

Thanks for responding. I understand your not wanting to be hypocritical...Question: do you have any regrets over the choices you made?

[Blind Illusion]

Thanks for responding. I understand your not wanting to be hypocritical...Question: do you have any regrets over the choices you made?

 

No, not really. Maybe..I don't know.

 

You see, this hasn't really officially ended but seems to have fazed out a bit after 6 years. He also moved further from me, which hasn't helped matters. If you ask me at a moment where I vow to myself that these are the very last tears that will ever be shed for him, I might have a different answer though.

 

Perhaps, for different reasons, but my husband also made me feel alone in our marriage. My children were close to the age yours are now-at the time 4 and 7. So much of what you have written I can identify with. Those long phone calls, the saved chats and IMs', etc, It brought magic back into a life that felt very little of that. Even the innocence of how you both met reminds me of my own story. These weren't men lurking around in chat rooms specifically geared for the purpose of meeting someone online. They had a whole different agenda to them.

 

I know people will advise you not to meet. Perhaps, knowing of the darker, non magical side to all this, I should also, but is it even too late to consider that? Could you now let him exit your life? Thats something only you could answer. I couldn't, because I was in a marriage that I wasn't leaving (it's only within the last year that I told myself that I would) and if I gave up the MM, I'd have nothing at all.

 

I did see two little red flags in your original post though.

 

You mention feeling isolated from friends, etc. That's not good because you will lean even more on this man and because you will need the distraction & sympathy of friends, especially if things go wrong. I have cried a lot of tears also regarding this relationship and I have been blessed to have some non judgmental friends in life. I may make terrible choices in the men department but thank God, I have my girlfriends. Unfortunately, you mention yours being scattered about the country.

 

Secondly, suppose he does end up marrying the baggage ladden woman-(people do make poor realtionship choices)...are you going to be ok with this or will it cause you lots and lots of anguish? Just something to think about.

 

I tend to ramble sometimes, and think too much. Sorry. In answer to your regret question, I think I know the answer now. Truthfully, I regret marrying my husband. I should have never silenced that little voice of intuition. He and I are two different people that don't belong together. I had one of our children before we married so it's not like I could have rectified this before starting a family. This is my regret though-none of the rest would have ever came to pass.

[Ladyjane14]

I was just commenting on another thread, how a vacuum effect exists when ENs go unmet. I think it leaves a person emotionally dry, like a dessicated sponge just waiting for someone to come along and pour some life-giving affirmation on it.

 

If that's the case here.... I think it's important that you recognize the possibility that there's nothing innately special about the OM. It's possible that literally ANYONE could've come along and assuaged your need to be emotionally close with another human being.

 

If there are currently voids in your life, it's impossible for you to measure this guy in any accurate way.

 

Imagine that you're on a leaky boat. Well, this guy is plugging a hole for you. Of course, you like him. But if your boat wasn't leaking....hey, you might look at him with NEW EYES.

 

My advice to you would be to fix whatever deficits are in your life so that you're better able to feel fulfilled on your own. When you're autonomous and whole within your self...your vision is clear.

[CKsLover]

Thanks Blind Illusion and LadyJane. I hear you both.

 

Could you now let him exit your life? Thats something only you could answer.

No. Like Ladyjane said, I am fully aware of how my perspective is not really as objective as I need it to be. This is new territory to me. The thought of it right now is excruciating.

 

And about friends...it's a double whammy. Among my closest girlfriends (I use the term loosely), one has a degree in divinity, and another has talked to me constantly about her cheating H (to the point where it sounds like her health is at stake). I can't tell either of them. I have a male friend who's actually somewhat local. I would trust my life with him. He's been like a big brother to me. Of course, my H had a problem with our friendship, and I let a lot of distance come between us...that is something I regret because we were never more than friends and he was a person I could always say anything to. Well, now he's married and just days ago had twins. He's far too busy to lay my troubles on right now. Plus he's still somewhat of a newlywed...and the real truth, the idea that he would for a second think I was being a slut really bothers me.

 

If my OM were to marry his fiancee anyway, I'd like to think I would support him. Even after we exchanged pictures and phone numbers, he started telling me more about his problems with her, and I tried to counsel him. He is quite a remarkable person and he says women approach him all the time and most don't care that he has a fiancee but none have ever tried to help his relationship. We really do have a friendship. I joked to him if he did it, I'd be there--in red--sitting right up front and will fake a heart attack when it came time for him to say "I do." (Is it crazy that I also think him being in a relationship makes this safer? Although I fear even with their baggage, my presence will make it impossible for their marriage to have fair shot.)

 

And Ladyjane do I know about ENs. It used to be unfathomable that you could be married and lonely, starving for a connection. I used to be a very independent person, fiercely private, and never a day felt "lonely." But I thought I was doing what all wives do, folding myself into my H and making him part of my identity. This only left me vulnerable to the devastation that eventually came.

 

I know I was also ripe for the plucking, as I said, and I know a big reason I love him is because he's been a hero to me. Once we started talking, I never again thought about ending my life. For the record, I have asked myself this question many times. If I were single, and my OM came along, would I give him the time of day. Understanding my bias, I would still say yes. And yes, I've investigated him too, and believe that what he's told me is true. I am aware of his negatives and our differences, but I think his positives and our shared values outweigh them. I'm no longer on the lookout for Prince Charming. I know he doesn't exist.

 

The deal is there is a new world order. There is no part of me that is willing to invest as much of myself in my H ever again. Believe it when I say, he's crushed me emotionally (and publicly) before. I don't live in La-La-Land anymore. So if happiness, even temporary happiness, comes in the form of man, I feel like I wasted too much life to let the opportunity pass. My H didn't stop to consider me (and I've been by his side for 11 years), why I am still trying to play the obedient prude wife role? We survived so many obstacles, I truly thought we were different and we would make it the right way even with the odds against it, but I see now we are like everybody else. This is a major value shift that I am still getting comfortable with, and the attention and affection of this man is making it easier every day.

 

My intent was to do just what Ladyjane said, rebuild my life to fill it with the things that I love. Although I was starving for affection and praying for help with gnashed teeth from all the anguish, I didn't think the answer was an OM. But one came along...and I am truly grateful.

 

I am also grateful you all actually indulged me and read my long posts and allowed me to vent.

[sylviaguardian]

I really feel for you. So much of what you said, I could have said myself. I think what others have said is very true - you need to sort yourself out as a priority. You said so much of your self-esteem was wrapped up in your husband..no wonder you felt suicidal when he betrayed you. But the point is this - as long as we invest our self-esteem in another person, we will always be totally vulnerable. My fear is that you are simply jumping from one ship to another without learning to swim yourself. If that doesn't work out, where will you be?

 

One thing I learned from my husband's affair is that to depend on another for your happiness is a risky business indeed. How to become happy in yourself? It takes a long time and I am not there yet but I know I will never invest so much of myself in another person again. Counselling might help you, as will making friends of your own who can support you.

 

I totally understand where you are coming from when you say that you don't want your children growing up in a broken home like you did. I feel the same. But you have to ask yourself how unbroken the home is just now. Do your kids see you as a happy person? Personally, I think nothing is worth staying with a man who is physically abusive.

 

I know it all seems like a huge moutain to climb at the moment and this guy looks like your saviour, but he probably isn't. I won't say to you forget him and work on your marriage because IMO it sounds like your husband has totally ground you down. What I would say is work on making yourself stronger. Go to counselling if you can. Make friends. It sounds stupid but get a hobby. Find something that brings you pleasure that has nothing to do with this man or your husband. Enjoy your children. Soon you will get stronger and decisions that seemed so difficult will not be so hard.

 

I can't advise you either way what to do. As far as I'm concerned, the way your husband has treated you would sweep moralising out of the window. But please don't think that this man is your saviour. The only person who can save you is yourself.

 

Big hugs,

Sylvia

[Guest]

Go ahead and have your fun. Your cheaten lying husband gets what he deserves! I would love to see the hurt, pain, and confussion on his face if he finds out.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Your post reminded me of myself ten years ago. I will try to make this as short as possible.

 

Married highschool sweetheart. What followed was 10 years of emotional, verbal and physical abuse. He was an alcoholic and addicted to drugs. During the marriage, obviously my emotional needs were going unmet. I had several affairs, none of which my ex knew about. One of the affairs was extremely long, two years. During half of which my ex was living in another location due to work. I should have left then, the guy wanted to marry me and I him, but I was too afraid to leave. Then he got tired of waiting for me to decide and ended the affair.

 

Then along came current husband. Within 30 days of meeting him I found the courage to actually leave my ex. Within one year we were living together and within one more we were married. We’ve been married for eight years now. BTW - when I met him he was not attached and had never been married, so there was no other party involved on his side.

 

At the time I left my children were 6 and 2. At the time I left I was more than ready. My six year old had seen the abuse for years and would stay up at night when mommy and daddy were fighting wanting to call 911, but afraid to come out of his room in case daddy would see him. That is when I realized I needed out ... my kids were going to grow up thinking this is the way to treat your loved ones. I told my ex that I had enough and that one day soon he was going to come home and find me and the kids gone. He thought I was joking. One week after that I met my current husband. Within 30 days, I stayed home from work one day, packed up all our stuff and moved into my parents house. I was there waiting for him when he came home ... I couldn’t bring myself to just let him come home to an empty house. I believe he was in a state of shock.

 

I didn't leave for my ex for my current husband, but don't know if I can actually say that I would have left w/o knowing that I had someone to support me emotionally. I would like to say that I would have, but that isn't how my cards were played, so can't really say.

 

With that said, I went from one relationship to another. I would like to say that if I had to do it over again I would have dated more, or spent more time to myself, but don’t think I would do anything different. I honestly love my husband and enjoyed all the time we spend together and everything we ever did.

 

Of course we have our ups and downs too. All solid marriages do. But, it is nothing compared to being in an abusive relationship. For your sake, and for your kids, it is time to get out. I had to move in with my parents. I didn't have the money to live on my own. It wasn’t comfortable, there wasn’t a lot of space. And, if was far from easy. But my other option was to stay in the marriage and allow my kids to become just like their father and possibly, be victims of abuse too.

 

Guess where my ex ended up ... two years later he was in jail for attempted murder against a girlfriend. It could have been me. It could have been my kids. It could have been much worse.

 

To make this short as can be I’ve obviously not included a lot of information ... but this allows you a little window into why your current position reminds me of mine.

 

To give you specific advice one way, or another would also make me a hypocrite but here is my two cents anyway....

 

Relative to this OM. Leave your marriage for you and your kids sake. Take care of yourself and them. If this other guy ends his engagement and things work out then great, but don’t leave for him. And, if you can, spend time finding who you really are before you jump right into another relationship. Find your likes and dislikes. You have spent the last 11 years burying yourself into your husband’s life ... find your own before you share it with someone else. It will only make you healthier. Good luck.

[Guest]

At the time your husband had his affair, was there ever the option given to you by him (out of regret and guilt) that he leave you and provide financial assistance to raise the kids, etc?

 

At that point, was there a viable exit for you?

 

If so, you say now you married the wrong man - did you always think this, or is it only through the feelings you've gained for meeting this other man online that you believe that now in hindsight?

[CKsLover]

Guest, no option of the sort was mentioned. And as a matter of fact in discussing divorce long before any of this happened, I said to him that I would probably need alimony because I was not working...he was quite offended at the thought and said he'd quit his job before that happens. My desire to get out came long before OM....I of course considered leaving when the affair was discovered...it's still open to me. It's just a matter of the loss for my children and that combined with the struggles we'd have on our own. When the balance of "more hurt" vs. "less hurt" s***s, when it simply "costs" too much to stay, perhaps things will change. Until the affair, I would say my general orientation was yes I chose poorly, but I can "right" this. Always trying to work things out, trying to get him to counseling (or books, seminars, etc). I told my OM, the day I found out about the A, I was on page 45 of a popular "marriage self-help" book, and I asked him to guess what page I am on now three months later. He guessed right.

[Blind Illusion]

And as a matter of fact in discussing divorce long before any of this happened, I said to him that I would probably need alimony because I was not working...he was quite offended at the thought and said he'd quit his job before that happens. .

 

Our husbands must be twins separated at birth or something. You tell him "You do that; I'll just use my half of your pension till I get on my feet"

 

I hate to be like that but sometimes you just have to fight threats with more threats.