Don't Understand

[Guest]

There seems to be a lot of hostility between Ow's and W's here.

 

For the W's - do you not realize that it is the H that does not walk away from the potential to have an affair or the on going affair to say "I love my W too much to be involved in such things".

 

Question:

 

Your child and his friend are playing in the yard a little too close to the car and your child decides to get the ball bat, hands it to his friend and pitches one to friend. Friend slams the ball.....unfortunately right into the side of your car.....who do you blame? The boy who hit the ball or your child who willingly got the bat (although wasn't suppose to).....hmmm?

 

I personally believe that (most) men wouldn't stray if they weren't missing something at home....even if the marriage seems to be next to perfect.

 

For the OW's - I think it is safe to say we know we are into a can of worms that we shouldn't be but we aren't the only ones in this affair. But we also have a lot of emotion running through us within the A which is not easy to walk away from, even if we want to. OW's are not vicious and manipulative people (atleast not all of them).

 

I'm not attempting to attack either side here. I think the hostility towards Ow's and W's is not needed. We are all in our own situations here and need to work together to help each other solve our pains of the relations we are in.

[Seen_It_All]

I respect what you're saying with regard to hostility toward the OW and agree - the major responsibility for the wrongdoing lies on the H's shoulders.

 

However, I'm a firm believer in doing unto others as they do unto me. Don't we all, as human beings, have a responsibility toward one another to not actively participate in behavior we KNOW will devastate someone else?

 

I'm always shocked when I read OW claiming that their relationship is with HIM and the wife has 'nothing to do with it.' That's a cop out and no way justifies actively participating in an affair and helping the MM keep it a secret from his wife. If you're actively HELPING him keep it a secret then you're also to blame for deceiving an innocent human being.

 

Sometimes we have to look past our own wants and needs and realize that OUR feelings aren't the only ones that count in this world. It's very selfish to not consider how our actions will affect OTHER people. That's what the golden rule is all about - being considerate of other human beings. If I'm conducting a secret love affair with someone else's husband then my behavior is contributing toward the devastation of another. Sugar coat it all you want but it IS what it is.

 

Another point that needs to be made is that OW walk into an affair by CHOICE. Every single step of the way is a conscious CHOICE they make. The BW was never GIVEN a choice in the matter. She's just basically left to pick up the pieces of her broken life. In essence, she's been 'had' by both her husband AND the OW. There's a real problem with accountability in today's society. Everyone is 'blame free' and not responsible for their actions, right? Wrong.

 

I must also address the statement made that "something" must be missing at home or a man wouldn't stray from his marriage. I don't believe that for one minute. There are an AWFUL lot of self-entitled men in this world that believe women were put here for THEIR enjoyment. There are tons of skirt chasers, serial cheaters, sex addicts, and selfish a**holes who think with their d*cks - period. They simply think they're entitled to get away with whatever they possibly can. So no, I don't believe for ONE moment that every single man is being deprived or is missing something in his marriage and that 'leads' him to cheating. Some of them are simply self-entitled, selfish losers who think it's their birthright to get away with whatever they can. I've been hit on by more MM then I can count, and it was ALL about wanting yet ANOTHER notch in their belts. No more, no less.

 

Yes, we DO have to all work together. But let's be honest - how FAIR is the playing field for a BW when she's the LAST one to know the rules of the game?

 

Just my humble opinion.

[TheDiva]

QUOTE]For the W's - do you not realize that it is the H that does not walk away from the potential to have an affair or the on going affair to say "I love my W too much to be involved in such things".

 

Some actually do. You will not hear about them here though.

 

Question:

 

Your child and his friend are playing in the yard a little too close to the car and your child decides to get the ball bat, hands it to his friend and pitches one to friend. Friend slams the ball.....unfortunately right into the side of your car.....who do you blame? The boy who hit the ball or your child who willingly got the bat (although wasn't suppose to).....hmmm?

 

In your example of responsibilty.....

I blame BOTH Just because one gives the bat to the other, it doesn't mean he can't throw it down. Nor does he have to hit the ball with that bat, he could sidestep and let that ball go right on by. They have an equal blame IMO.

 

 

I personally believe that (most) men wouldn't stray if they weren't missing something at home....even if the marriage seems to be next to perfect.

 

This can certainly be true at times. But more often than not it's not the whole story or "reason" if you will. It's more likely a MM is missing something in HIMSELF, rather than in the marriage. And then there is this

 

I must also address the statement made that "something" must be missing at home or a man wouldn't stray from his marriage. I don't believe that for one minute. There are an AWFUL lot of self-entitled men in this world that believe women were put here for THEIR enjoyment. There are tons of skirt chasers, serial cheaters, sex addicts, and selfish a**holes who think with their d*cks - period. They simply think they're entitled to get away with whatever they possibly can. So no, I don't believe for ONE moment that every single man is being deprived or is missing something in his marriage and that 'leads' him to cheating. Some of them are simply self-entitled, selfish losers who think it's their birthright to get away with whatever they can.

 

Seen_It_All made an excellent point. This is why a lot of MM will not choose between the OW/BW. They have both, and feel they are entitled to have both, because well, they can.

 

 

For the OW's - I think it is safe to say we know we are into a can of worms that we shouldn't be but we aren't the only ones in this affair. But we also have a lot of emotion running through us within the A which is not easy to walk away from, even if we want to. OW's are not vicious and manipulative people (atleast not all of them).

 

This is the touchy subject on this board. The BW/OW arguement.

 

The A isn't easy to walk away from until the OW is motivated enough to end it or the MM ends his marriage. That is true.

 

I think the BW's here know that the OW here are not vicious and manipulative. But BOTH sides like to jump on the smallest of comments that are made by the other probably because of their own inner torments over their place in the A triangle. I have seen alot of OW lately saying BW's shouldn't be on this board, I think ANYONE should be able to come here, but they need a thick skin if they are a BS, simply because of the subject matter being so close their own situations.

 

Question: If no one knew the posters' status of BW/OW then would it be easier for the other party to accept the comments and suggestions made?

I am not talking about the nasty snide remarks. Those are wrong no matter the subject. But an honest view point, maybe bluntly put that gets under the other's skin.

 

But we all know that won't happen There is also a lot of bring up situations/comments from other threads being thrown up in different threads. Which is against the LS Guidelines, the posts are supposed to follow the thread subject. Both sides do it. It isn't just the BW jumping on OW, or the OW jumping on BW. But it ends up being a blame game and everyone gets sidetracked.

 

OW here are hurting, it's easy for anyone to see. A hurting BW should think about what she is posting and why... just as the OW should try to see what is being said instead of WHO is saying it. An opinion is just that. AN OPINION, it does not make it true for everyone else. It's the individuals perseption of the situation. And that should be respected by all parties.

 

 

 

I know from reading here that the OW are nice people and most everything else in their lives are on the up and up. They are stuck in a sucky situation (the A) and their emotions are all over the scale. Unfortunatly I have been in the same situation and know the pain involved. I did it with eyes wide open, It was a bad thing, it does not make me a bad woman though. So I know that these ladies are not bad women either. Nor do my experiences make me more quailified to answer or comment on the situations posted here.

 

 

I'm not attempting to attack either side here. I think the hostility towards Ow's and W's is not needed. We are all in our own situations here and need to work together to help each other solve our pains of the relations we are in.

 

This is it, right here!....This is what the OM/OW board is here for. I agree with this 100%

 

 

I respect what you're saying with regard to hostility toward the OW and agree - the major responsibility for the wrongdoing lies on the H's shoulders.

 

However, I'm a firm believer in doing unto others as they do unto me. Don't we all, as human beings, have a responsibility toward one another to not actively participate in behavior we KNOW will devastate someone else?

 

I'm always shocked when I read OW claiming that their relationship is with HIM and the wife has 'nothing to do with it.' That's a cop out and no way justifies actively participating in an affair and helping the MM keep it a secret from his wife. If you're actively HELPING him keep it a secret then you're also to blame for deceiving an innocent human being.

 

Sometimes we have to look past our own wants and needs and realize that OUR feelings aren't the only ones that count in this world. It's very selfish to not consider how our actions will affect OTHER people. That's what the golden rule is all about - being considerate of other human beings. If I'm conducting a secret love affair with someone else's husband then my behavior is contributing toward the devastation of another. Sugar coat it all you want but it IS what it is.

 

Another point that needs to be made is that OW walk into an affair by CHOICE. Every single step of the way is a conscious CHOICE they make. The BW was never GIVEN a choice in the matter. She's just basically left to pick up the pieces of her broken life. In essence, she's been 'had' by both her husband AND the OW. There's a real problem with accountability in today's society. Everyone is 'blame free' and not responsible for their actions, right? Wrong.

 

 

Again a very real assesment of Affairs. I was an OW I am not now nor have I been for a long time. Let me tell you I have went through the stages. I once thought "well as long as I am getting what I want." Very selfish of me, very immature as well.

 

I went through the "It's not my fault" more than once. He is the married one not me. But I learned It was my fault. I did not have to make the decisions I did. I hurt a lot of people. A fact I am not proud of, but I cannot change it now. Lesson learned the hard way.

 

Once upon a time I didn't like the W. MM told me all these awful things about her. I stupidly believed him, and did in fact actively participate in the A. Looking back and knowing what I know now about her now, I think MAN I WAS STUPID! and WHAT WAS I THINKING??? I let him color my own opinions.

 

 

It isn't right of me to 'judge' any of these women for lashing out at each other. It is the hurt, and desire to lash out to the OW/BS in their own situations coming out. It should be taken with a grain of salt.

 

I know that sooner or later no matter the outcome of their individual situations, they will all have a moment of clarity for themselves, and it has to come from within. OW and BW can help each other, I believe, to reach that point. That though requires thinking with your head more so than your heart. Not an easy thing to do at all when your emotions are so deeply involved.

 

Why can't everyone get along?

[scarletletter]

Everyone has a right to be anywhere they want on this board but why a BS would want to come in here and cause herself more pain is beyond me!! If I were a BS and someday I might be...I think I would spend my time looking for reasons of why my husband went elsewhere ....maybe on the infidelity forum.

[TheDiva]

Everyone has a right to be anywhere they want on this board but why a BS would want to come in here and cause herself more pain is beyond me!! If I were a BS and someday I might be...I think I would spend my time looking for reasons of why my husband went elsewhere ....maybe on the infidelity forum.

 

 

Prehaps to understand why her husband was/is so attached to his OW. The BW is in the dark until the A is exposed. The OW gets different degrees of info from MM (depending on the situation) about his marriage. The W has very very little, she don't know how much of what her husband says is truth or fiction and the OW in her situation will probably not be willing to talk about it without one or both being ugly to each other.

 

Just a general guess.

 

The only person who can give the BW the list of reasons is the husband. There isn't a forum out there that can help her with that.

 

I quite agree that this is probably the last place I would want to be if I were a BS.

[curly]

I could not have said it better than myself... Actually, I'm sure you said much better than I could have.

 

Here's a quote for everyone...

 

"Don't Judge a man (woman), until youv'e walked a mile in his (her) shoes."

 

Keep that in mind OW/BS..

 

Is all really fair in love and war...... keep that in mind...

 

Love is war.... fight it well.....

[sylviaguardian]

As a BS myself, I have learned a lot by reading on the OW board. Much of what I have read has actually helped me come to terms with what has happened to me. It's also shown me the huge gulf of difference between what MM think and what OW think.

 

I don't HATE OW - in fact a couple of my friends are OW, and I have given them 100% support although I don't condone what they do. But sometimes it's good to hear the other side. I told one friend of what had happened to me and how it had made me feel and she started to cry. Later she told me that she too was involved in an affair with a MM and it had made her think.

 

However, what the other poster said about accountability is true. It is a fallacy to believe that you can go through life taking what you want without thinking about the consequences for other people. I have never told the OW's husband (although I've been tempted) and the reason is that I don't want to be responsible for destroying the lives of her kids. Now, many of my friends have said to me that I am mug, that I wouldn't have destroyed their lives, she had already done that. They said she didn't think about my family why should I care about hers. The reason is that they wouldn't have had a choice, just like I didn't. I don't want it on my conscience that a kid is crying in bed at night because of something I contributed to. We all have to be accountable for our actions.

 

Aside from anything else, if I met and fell in love with a man who later revealed to me that he was married with kids, my first thought would be "D1ck". And yes, I have been there so it's not hypothetical.