Sometimes Married Men Must Leave

[lolax]

RIGHT OK...IM A LITTLE SCATTY, BUT IM A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS!!

I WAS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR 12 YEARS WHERE I WAS DRAINED OF ALL SELF CONFIDENCE AND WAS LEFT A WRECK !!

AND MY EX BOYFRIEND , AS I DISCOVERED HAD SEX WITH MY 20 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER, THEN I LOST MY MUM SUDDENLY LAST YEAR WHICH TOTALLY DESTROYED ME....I MISS HER SO MUCH !

THEN 5 MONTHS AGO I MET THE DREADED MARRIED MAN !!!

AND EVERYTHING CHANGED....I LOST LOADS OF WEIGHT JOINED THE GYM AND FELT HUMAN AGAIN AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS I FELT SEXY, PRETTY AND ABOVE ALL.....KNEW I COULD HAVE FEELINGS FOR A MAN.

LOOK I KNOW WHAT YOUR ALL THINKING !! BUT THIS RELATIONSHIP IS SPECIAL AND IT NOT JUST ABOUT SEX AND I KNOW THAT 100%

SOMETIMES IT MUST WORK OUT

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. And also what your daughter went through. I hope she is okay.

 

As for your MM - Please read some OW threads and understand that this man will not leave his wife - Even though he may really love you.

 

He makes you feel good, he desires you, listens to you and is your friend, right? The feelings he brings out in you is like a drug and because of that it has clouded your judgement. With all that you went through recently, you don't need this situation you're in now. Please, get some help, see a therapist and END IT with the MM. He is going to break your heart.

[incognito]

 

He makes you feel good, he desires you, listens to you and is your friend, right? The feelings he brings out in you is like a drug and because of that it has clouded your judgement.

 

Exactly how I feel about mine. He is an addiction that is so hard to get over.

[Walking away]

But he (the MM) is an addiction that is detrimental to our mental health. We have to think about how this relationship is tearing us up NOW. Do we want to waste possibly YEARS feeling that way?

[whichwayisup]

It's a false sense of security and love. It's not pure. How can it be when he is married to someone else?

 

For your own peace of mind and sanity - End it with the MM. There are so many wonderful single men out there! One day when the timing is right, you will find someone who will love just you and not put you on such an emotional rollercoaster ride. Put yourself and your daughter first for a while.

[lolax]

It's a false sense of security and love. It's not pure. How can it be when he is married to someone else?

 

For your own peace of mind and sanity - End it with the MM. There are so many wonderful single men out there! One day when the timing is right, you will find someone who will love just you and not put you on such an emotional rollercoaster ride. Put yourself and your daughter first for a

while.

look i know your all probably right and he will break my heart,

i just cant finish it yet , hes done so much for me and i love being with him,chatting on the phone ,the text messages and the love making . and when we go out together and get plastered we have the best time and such a laugh!!

i know im a pratt but i love him and i really believe we will be together one day.

i still have a very good sociallife with my mates and i get lodes of male attention , but all i want is him no one else comes close.

he is very fair withme and often says *id hate it if you met someone but who i am to tell you what to do,i just want you to be happy*

[My_Other_I]

But he (the MM) is an addiction that is detrimental to our mental health. We have to think about how this relationship is tearing us up NOW. Do we want to waste possibly YEARS feeling that way?

I'm proud of you, you are way on your way out of that mess!

 

OP: You pointed out all the signs yourself. You said you were in an abusive R, emotionally down due to your mom dying and other things. And then married man comes your way and makes you feel wonderful.

It is a typical scenario, unfortunatelly. I know that it doesn't matter what we tell you, you will keep on going anyway, but my suggestion is that YOU should make yourself feel wonderful for YOU. It's not healthy when your happiness depends on someone else.

Good Luck to you!

[whichwayisup]

You may love him, but he will never be "yours" in the way you think. That isn't fair to you, or your daughter. I don't think you see the full picture here. What about this man's wife? Or children. Have you thought about them at all and what pain could be caused if they found out? I know the MM is responsible for his own actions, but you don't have to be a willing part in it.

 

You have alot of friends it seems, so why not just focus on friendships with those who aren't going to hurt you.

 

I'm figuring you are going to do whatever your heart desires you to do - But I really think you should go dig out some posts from some OW in this forum and read what PAIN they've been through - Maybe it will open up your eyes abit and you'll see he isn't worth it, even though he makes you feel happy.

[Walking away]

You know, my relationship with my MM has only been for 5 months also. But, I tell you, I had been vascillating between being with him and not being with him ever since he admitted he was married. One minute I couldn't imagine being without him and the next I couldn't take being WITH him. The pain has been incredible. Being a monogamous person myself, it was inconceivable how he could feel for me and yet be with another. But, that's the thing....he's NOT like me and I have come to the point where I need to take care of myself and my children (I am a single mom of 5). He has put his needs first, now it is time I put MINE first. It has been like a war within myself to take this final step, but even though it hurts, I feel relief. I am finally being true to MYSELF. And I will be okay. In fact, better than okay. Please take care of yourself and know that there are people here that really care about what you are going through. Best of luck.

[lolax]

thank you walking away...we seem to be in the same boat ...but you are stronger.

i am also a single mum , i have four children

mm met 2 of my kids yesterday

how old are you? and do you still see him

[Walking away]

My MM has met all but one of my kids. I am 40. And I have been seeing him two to three times a month. He lives in another state. When we see each other it is for 2-3 days straight and then back to our lives again. Constant contact with e-mail, phone, text messaging. I am trying not to see him ever again, but he is extremely tenacious. This is a man who has always gotten what he wants. And, he has set his sights on me.

[tweldy]

To recap:

1) 12 year abusive relationship

2) death of your mother

3) daughter is abused by your boyfriend

 

I'm not saying its not possible, but I've never met anyone who could take that succession of events in their life and not need help: a support group, therapy, etc. I seriously suggest you seek the same for your daughter. It sounds like you've met a guy who isn't completely horrible to you and from your perspective, that's really good. The key to finding a male companion who is decent and caring is healing yourself and learning what it is about you that abusive people can see and exploit. There is some otherworldly skill abusive people have to identify people who are vulnerable to abuse.

 

I'm also highly worried this married guy is abusive and has whatever sense those people have with people who are vulnerable. To have gotten as far as you have with the things that have happened to you speaks to a deep strength within you that I hope you are somehow able to connect with to transform your life. I am sorry for all that has happened to you and I believe you have the power to make for yourself a much brighter future.

[lolax]

my mm has met all but one of my kids too .... i am 41

i see him about twice a week sometimes more depends really.

hes been married for 12 years and has 3 kids.

ive seen his wife , have you??

but married men do leave......dont they

so are you going to see him again ?

which state are you in ?

im in london england

[Walking away]

My MM has been married 20 years. Has 4 kids. Have not seen his wife in person, but have seen pictures. I live in Arizona.

Some MM leave, but mine will not. Too much to lose. He is really quite successful (makes $600,000 a year), is very influential in his community, etc. I am trying not to see him again.

[lolax]

well if your strong enough then dont....youve come this far

have you spoken to him....does he know you dont want to see him anymore???

sorry if im asking lodes of questions,

do you love him ?

does he love you?

have you done this before?

is his wife pretty?

you seem to be a woman ....who has her head screwed on ,not like me !

im just a pratt

[Walking away]

He has been text messaging me all this week...he is out of the country. Tried calling me a few times, but I didn't pick up. No, he has no idea that I have made the decision not to continue in this relationship.

Do I love him? I really thought so, but now I am not so sure. Love shouldn't be this hard in my opinion. I am probably more addicted to him more than anything...

He says he loves me, but how can you love someone and continue living a lie with another? No, even though he says he loves me, I do not believe that he does.

No, I have not done this before, and I will never do it again.

His wife is pretty, but doesn't "stand out" the way that he says I do. From all he has said about her (and he never has said anything bad about her), I am her complete opposite.

I have my head screwed on NOW, but I didn't until just this week.

Don't be so hard on yourself....I was where you are not too terribly long ago.

[No Stress Lady]

Read this article:

 

http://www.women.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,17909-1988387_1,00.html

 

and Veronese's story:

 

I had never heard the term 'cakeman' until I found out my H had three other women 'friends'. When I asked him all the predictable questions after the discovery all his answers described what I later found out to be the typical responses of a cakeman.

 

He was having EA's with them but there was an element of sexual chemistry/flirtation occurring between them too. The relationships were long term (one for more than 10years) yet I had never suspected a thing, believing as I did that my H was an honest, faithful man.

 

Just as the article mentioned, my H had compartmentalized his emotions and feelings. He admitted to feeling slightly guilty but not sufficiently so to end his friendships. He thought I would never find out and as the affairs weren't sexual that he wasn't harming our marriage.

 

They knew he was 'happily' (ha!) married and had no intention of leaving me. Two were single mothers, one was married with children. All three thought he was wonderful and all thought he was the perfect husband/father. They told him if he hadn't been married they would have liked to be his wife.

 

He really enjoyed these friendships. They looked up to him, flattered him, and made him feel important, desirable, strong, and special. They came to him for advice, support, encouragement and attention. He felt needed by them.

 

The secrecy and danger of these affairs added to the thrill. Being 'naughty' and getting away with it was fun. Although he was attracted to them individually in different ways, none of them appealed to him as prospective partners.

 

The strange thing was that I DID need him and always have, but unbeknown to me he felt inadequate in many ways because of my confidence/experience/background. I adored him, admired him, flattered him and indulged him, as had everyone else we know. He wasn't deprived of attention and was totally secure of my love for him.

 

Nevertheless he apparently needed to have his ego boosted further still, basking in the never-ending glory of his admirers. Quite bloody incredible considering he's always been loved by men, women and babies alike! The nicest, most handsome, kindest, perfect specimen of a man you ever could find! I was constantly told how 'lucky I was' to have such an amazing husband.

 

Anyway, true to form my cakeman dumped the OW as soon as I found out, which I guess must have been hard of them coming out of the blue as it did. Just in case either he or they were tempted to resume things after the dust had settled, I made it clear to them that I wouldn't be so forgiving on any future occasions. Knowing where they lived seemed to get the point over.

 

My H said that he felt so secure and safe with me he took it for granted I would never stray or cheat on him and would always be his wife. He didn't have to try with me.

 

The OW brightened up his boring work days. He met them for lunches, phoned them for chats, and cheered them up when they were low. Having checked his cell phone records I could see that the contact was only during his working day, was regular but not intense, and had never encroached on family time (evenings, weekends, and holidays).

 

Cakemen like my H, who casually and effortlessly embark on extra-marital affairs, are notorious re-offenders. Unlike the MM whose affairs represent the end of their marriages, cakemen rarely want to lose their wives and families, but risk losing them even so.

 

Will my H cheat again? Has he already cheated again? I don't know, but I know it's quite possible. I hope he doesn't but it's not up to me.

 

He knows though that I won't forgive him again. I've also made it clear that if he's prepared to not only hurt me again, but end his marriage over a relationship with an OW, he must also understand that the OW will get very hurt too.

 

If you are an OW and you think your MM may be a cakeman, I'd strongly advise you to end things with him, unless you are happy with the arrangement as it is of course.

 

Interestingly all three thought they were his only ‘special friend’. Being faithful to me made them think he was even more wonderful. They thought that if they had only met him before he was married, he would be married to them. He also told them that I didn’t know about them because ‘I wouldn’t understand’ and object to their friendships. Well he was damned right about that!

 

If your MM is lying about you to his wife, he aint a nice guy at all.

 

If your MM uses words like ‘soul mate’, don’t fall for it, its bollocks.

 

If your MM says ‘if only we’d met before I was married’, remind yourself that you didn’t.

 

If he says he doesn’t want to leave his wife, believe him.

 

If he says you’re the only woman he’s become attached to since being married, don’t believe him.

 

If he makes you feel beautiful again, special and attractive, there’ll be other men who can make you feel it too, preferably single men

 

If he seems too good to be true, it’s because he is!

 

If your conversations become too personal, flirtatious, suggestive, emotional, back off from him quickly.

 

If your MM is a cakeman you’re wasting your time with him. He’ll drain you emotionally and may break your heart.

 

If you have strong feelings about a MM and hope to have a future with him one day, the best thing to do is walk away until he is free to be with you. You will find out how genuine his feelings are for you then.

 

Be careful, cakemen are brilliant liars.

[Walking away]

I e-mailed that article to my MM about a month ago. Said that he felt about half of it was true. Of course, he said, none of it was true with us.....WHATEVER! Anyway, I am still walking away from him. Wonder what he will do now? I don't think I will hold my breath waiting for him. I guess the proof of whether or not our men are cakemen is when we remove ourselves from the equation and see THEN what happens....

[whichwayisup]

After it ends, what he thinks/feels isn't your concern anymore. You have to look at it from that way. Your heart may love him but he is so wrong for you because he is a MM. And he brings you pain. Again, because he is married.

[Walking away]

Not really concerned with how he thinks or feels after the break up. Just making those statements tongue in cheek!

[Malifecent]

 

As for your MM - Please read some OW threads and understand that this man will not leave his wife - Even though he may really love you.

 

Sorry but unless your psychic I don't know how you know this. Sure lots of mm don't leave....that doesn't mean they all don't. That is a bit of a generalization don't you think?

[whichwayisup]

Ofcourse I am generalizing but I am also going on what I've seen on the boards here. Each situation IS different, but they all have very eerie similarities to them.

 

Everybody generalizes to a point, I mean to ask a question that some OW ask, "What does my MM think? Does he love me?" How the heck are we supposed to know? We aren't mindreaders, and one MM may think one way and another will think another way.

[Walking away]

I am an OW, so I will give you my perspective....

 

I think that if a man really loves you, and I mean REALLY loves you, he will never do anything that would make you want to go away. I am confident that these MM who don't leave KNOW our pain, yet take a chance EVERYDAY that we will come to a point that we can't take the relationship any longer. Now, why would anyone that loves us do that to us?

 

And, also....when a person REALLY loves someone, ONLY that person will do. A person really loving someone cannot tolerate being with another out of duty, finances, etc. Real love leaves room for no other...

 

Just my thoughts...

[Sami_D]

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS SPECIAL AND IT NOT JUST ABOUT SEX AND I KNOW THAT 100%

SOMETIMES IT MUST WORK OUT

 

Sometimes it does work out. Very much more often, it doesn't.

 

All this typing in bold and capitals doesn't get your point across any better... it's hard to read. And you're saying nothing. Just shouting about how much it HAS to work out.

 

No one here can possibly know anything about your relationship, and they can't predict how it will go. Because you've said next to nothing, and your way of expressing yourself looks/sounds like you're desperate and unhappy.

 

So... do you want to say more about what is going on? Or are you just looking for some support in your desperate feeling that it has to work out..?

[Sami_D]

mm met 2 of my kids yesterday

 

How old are your kids..? How did he feel about meeting them?