Telling the wife

[SoleMate]

I have a question that has been percolating in my head. We often get questions about whether a betrayed spouse should be informed about the existence of an affair (ongoing or past). These questions follow into two major groupings:

 

CASE 1) Should the wayward spouse tell the betrayed spouse?

 

CASE 2) Should a third party tell the betrayed spouse?

 

In the second case, the question has been asked about people who bear a wide range of relationships to the

BS

, anywhere from

BS

's best friend, to waitress who had seen the WWS apparently giving the business to his

OW

in her restaurant.

 

My typical answer is that yes, a WWS who has decided to call it off (or frankly, even one who hasn't), in most cases, is obligated to reveal the A to the BS, as a matter of fairness. This is for several reasons: a) The information is material to the WWS's understanding of the marriage, b) the WWS has accurate information about the A, c) the WWS has a relationship with the BS that is close enough to require honesty.

 

It surprises me that many people urge against any such revelation, on the grounds that "it would only be to relieve the feelings of the WWS, thus hurting the BS unnecessarily".

 

For Case 2, I almost always urge against revelation, using the same line of reasoning. Reason "a" may be met, but reasons b and c rarely are. Few third parties have "information" about an A that is worth the toilet paper they used that morning. In many cases, it is just juicy gossip. Granted, most of the gossip is based on something, but devoid of hard and fast facts that amount to even "preponderance of the evidence".

 

The exception to the "lack of information" problem is usually the affair partner. They alone will have accurate info, at least about the side of the WWS spouse that they get to see. However, that partner (OW/OM) is typically hampered by a lack of objectivity that renders their info close to useless, except in the rare case of an "innocent" (deceived) OW/OM who immediately calls a halt to the A due to disgust. That person may be objective.

 

We've all seen that there's lots of support for "Case 2" denunciations on Loveshack. "Damn straight," goes the usual poster, "do unto others and why shouldn't the BS and even the whole world know about what scumbag WWS has been up to? Tell the truth and shame the devil. I'd want to know and I'm sure every other person out there would also appreciate that info."

 

The thing that I REALLY don't get is how someone can simultaneously argue AGAINST Case 1 info sharing, yet in FAVOR of Case 2. Case 2 hurt is every bit as bad as, and maybe worse than, Case 1, since it implies that the BS's betrayal is known about the town. And this deadly blow is delivered by someone who had no need or duty to stick their nose in, in the first place...

[Ladyjane14]

I saw a thread on another site about this very question earlier today. And I have to admit...it got me thinking too. I didn't read the entire thread though. To be honest, the discussion dissolved into argument which happens frequently over there....whenever a poster goes against 'the company line'.

 

Personally, I find Exposure to be a useful tool in ending affairs. But ONLY when it's handled correctly. It's a double-edged sword in alot of ways.

 

As far as it being in any way incumbent upon the BS to expose the OM/OW's BS....nope, I don't think they have an obligation to do that. My personal opinion is that unless you have a GOOD REASON for minding someone else's business, it's best to mind your own.

 

To my way of thinking, there's a difference in the level of accountability when criminal laws are broken. Adultery itself, is not a crime. That said, if you know that your spouse is infected with HIV or something of that nature...then yes, by keeping silent you would in fact be abetting a crime. But simple adultery between two consenting adults? There's no criminal element.

 

At a moral level? I still don't agree. We can't make ourselves into a 'morality police force'. Next thing....we'll be staking out fast food chains and stopping people from making poor dieting choices.

 

But seriously, when we become 'our brother's keeper', where does our responsibility stop?

[scarletletter]

Now that the subject has been brought up, how many OW have told the BW about the affair anonymously in hopes that she will kick the husband out and he will go running to the OW. I have seen this backfire so many times and am interested to know if anyone has ever done this..anonymously or not. In my thoughts, if the husband gets caught, he will try to work it out with the wife if she will let him...i'm sure most would not.

[mopar crazy]

Personally, no matter how much it hurts, I would want to know if my H was having an A. When he had his A my good friends where the ones that told me about it. They didn't tell me about it b4 my H said he wanted a D. When my H told me he wanted a D was when my good friends would either tell me to my face, or some would call and tell me what was going on. It hurt like he!! but I needed to know the truth. And I do believe they thought I deserved the truth why my H was wanting a D. At first I was in denial b/c a few days after he filed for a D he called and said he thought he made a mistake and thought maybe we should work on our M so I was in denial of his A. It wasn't until the exOW H came to my house and told me what he knew, showed me letters and poems to his W and even pictures of their vehicles parked in their garage and at the motel room. Since I had it right there in front of my eyes I started to beleive. If it weren't for my friends and the exOW's own H telling me about the A I would of never known and I would of been living a lie. It wasn't until the facts where there that I decided to move on w/ my life. If I didn't know the truth I would of probably continued trying to work on my M.

 

I finally had to tell my friends I didn't want to hear anymore about H and the exOW anymore b/c it just hurt too much.

 

IMO I feel the BS deserves to know the truth.

[stephInDaDistrict]

SOMETIMES DENIAL FROM THE WIFE WILL BE THE RESULT...... And as far as I am concerned, if you know someone is married, its your fault if you mess with them and get your heart broken. That is a sacred bond with god you make when you get married. So no, I dont think the OW should tell the wife. No. And like I said, even if a third party does, do you think its gonna make the husband want you more?????? Hell no. He is gonna be so wrapped up in either denying it to her or trying to keep her, unless the marriage had been on the rocks for years and he was just waiting for someone to tell her so it would end abruptly so he could make his mistress his new #1. But if your nothing other than a mistress and his heart is not with you your gonna get your heart broken.

 

When I was 15, I met a married man. He looked about 16, but he was 25. For my age I looked about 20. His wife was 18.

 

I dont remember one week that went past that someone didnt tell her about our relationship. We never had actual sex, but he gave me oral. She was in denial that he would mess with someone as young as me, and said that he was just helping me get around cuz I wasnt old enough to drive yet, and it was too cold to walk, etc.

 

So even when the spouse is warned, they have to be ready to hear it. I never thought it was my place to tell her. For one, I didnt really love him. I was young and very curious about sex. (I look back at it like, whew.....) Then she caught us skinny dipping in the pool at 4am cuz his bright purple cadillac was parked outside the pool and she thought him and his boys were in there fooling around. She was walking the dog. :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o so embarassing