physical affair with the ex. set me straight.

[stupidgal84]

i feel very stupid. somebody set me straight. tell me he's wrong and i dont have to be feeling this guilty. i was with John since i was 18-for about 2years. The rship was good at first-and then soured due to distance. we also realised that i was goin abroad for five years to study and it was too long to maintain a long distance. i could deal with breaking up.. and i love him dearly-he was the nicest, most innocent guy ever..but he did not treat me well, and took me for granted. but i loved him cause of him. he is a super nice guy. and eahc time we broke up somehow we'd get back together till he left me right before my final exams. I was so angry i did not think of him and did well. left the country a few months later. just before i left, we started talking and he sent me off at the airport. during that period i heard he was with a new girl(whom i suspected he left me fore her, but later i found out that he only fell for her after leaving me). anyway, after a year, i realise i hadnt forgotten him, and came back home for holidays. i found out that he's seirous with the girl, but she's such a bitch and everyone around him hates her-from her family to her friends. she's changed him completely. i also find out he was going to come to the same country i was going to(which was not the case earlier) and so i decided since i loved him still and he we are all still young-about 21/22 and so i wanted to pursue him. i called him, and we started talking. and my best friend calle dhim for her bday, which we attended tog. and he told me that he had a gf, but it wasnt that girl. later on, he told me he lied cuz he din wan to hurt me. we became very close and as we were working together, he visited my home everyday and was close to my family. his family and friends thought we were going to get back tog. but i didnt know that he just thought me as a friend and nothing else, and that he told his gf each time he came to my place and wen he met me. he wanted us to meet once-but i told him i hated her, and neva wan to see her and to treat us as separate entities. he agreed cause he wanted my friendship and he felt bad for hurting me last time. basically pleasing everyone. i thought i still had hope with him. and then the physical affair started. from back at home, till we both left abroad. and it continued for six months. i did everyhtin cuz i loved him and thought he was confused about his feelings. there were once or tiwce he'd feel guilty and say he's not suppose to do this.. but we'd go back to it anywya.finally, i thought i better come straight out with it..cuz i cud no longer wait. and i told him that the oni reason i was doing this was cuz i loved him still. he was shocked and told me he thought of me as a friend onli. we agreed to separate so that id get over him, and later we'd just be frens wen things get ok. he sed he was happy with her. i was sad, i felt empty-we were so close and now he's gone. so i confided in a fren. and he ended up telling the gf. the gf found out and fired him. and he called me crying sayin that he hated me and that i betrayed his trust. and he never cheated on her. i am feeling lousy now.

[newbby]

and then the physical affair started. from back at home, till we both left abroad. and it continued for six months. i did everyhtin cuz i loved him and thought he was confused about his feelings. there were once or tiwce he'd feel guilty and say he's not suppose to do this.. but we'd go back to it anywya.finally, i thought i better come straight out with it..cuz i cud no longer wait. and i told him that the oni reason i was doing this was cuz i loved him still. he was shocked and told me he thought of me as a friend onli. we agreed to separate so that id get over him, and later we'd just be frens wen things get ok. he sed he was happy with her. i was sad, i felt empty-we were so close and now he's gone. so i confided in a fren. and he ended up telling the gf. the gf found out and fired him. and he called me crying sayin that he hated me and that i betrayed his trust. and he never cheated on her. i am feeling lousy now.

 

from what i can make out from your post.

he was having an affair with you which he now denies TO YOU?

he was shocked and told me he thought of me as a friend onli.

i dont see how he was shocked. you were sleeping together werent you?

he called me crying sayin that he hated me and that i betrayed his trust. and he never cheated on her. i am feeling lousy now

he is angry with himself and is blaming it on you. its typical behaviour of men who cheat to blame the ow. so you betrayed HIS trust, what does he think HE did to his girlfriends trust?

he sounds like a complete a**hole and you are well rid of him. i know its hard to see this now,but you are. and okay so you made a mistake, learn from it and move on. we all do it. and i was once the ow, i made a mistake too and acted with little self respect. dont keep dwelling on it, be glad you are rid of him, and his gf is best rid of him too.

[AJS]

This guy is a real piece of work! You are better off without him and if anything came of it at all it's that you learned from it. Please try to use paragraphs next time you post, it makes it so much easier to read.

[stupidgal84]

thanks for the replies. I am sorry-i was just frustrated that i wrote everything down without really thinking.

 

Yes, we had a physical affair-not sex but we had oral and everything else-except actual penetration. So that does count as an affair right? I was just confused and needed someone to set me straight that he is wrong right? and even though his gf is a b@#ch and deserves this-but he is being wrong to her as well right? he may be superbly nice and all that-but this definitely was a mistake-and i am not the only one to be blamed right? i mean-i am not the angel here. i was trying to get him back-and so i seduced him. but it takes two to make out. he gave in. i thought it was cause he had feelings for me. but it was just cause he was experimenting and learning from me. thats wat he told me. and it wasnt a one off incident. it happened for six months. so it is a qualified affair.

 

So i should be angry right for being shouted at for breaking his trust? cuz all i wanted was to pour my feelings to someone-and i did not know that person would tell his gf. after all that he did to me-having an affair and calling me just a friend after i told him that i had feelings for him-i still did not get pissed with him. in fact he wanted space cuz he told me i should forget him. and i agreed cuz i wanted taht too. but we agreed that after i get over him-we'll be friends again-cuz we click really well as frineds. and its difficult to go on without each other. and i agreed-for the sake of our friendship.

 

Maybe im being stupid. but he was a good friend-but a horrible bf and he should not have relented into having an affair with me if he did not have feelings or intentions of getting back. I am no angel-i wanted my ex back-and i was prepared to do anything to get him back. and after all that, he still has the right to shout at me that i betrayed his trust and he never wanted to see me again in his life. he was crying and telling me how much he loved this girl..and asked me why am i doing this to him. i felt bad. i thought i was really cruel. he said i was the only person he trusted when we both left abroad to study, and i backstabbed him. He told me right on the face 'I did not cheat my gf'. But he had an affair with me-i guess perhaps on his part it wasnt emotional-but it was physical-so that counts right? it takes two to kiss. he shouted at me for revealing details of our affair to an outsider-he said i shouldnt kiss and tell.

 

i guess that was my mistake. but i really needed to talk-and all this while it has been me and him talking. i told him everything-and i mean everything and we talked everyday for an hour at least. and now that he's gone..i told someone else not realising that his gf would find out. he said he should never have come back into my life-and he regrets ever coming to my house and regrets talking to me again. I felt soo bad and lousy. I felt like a cheat. I did not do everything right here. but i am not entirely wrong. I dont understand why i feel this way. am i a bitch? its so complicated cause he loves her loads-and wen he found out i loved him still-he stopped the affair and wanted me to forget him cause there was no future. he cared for me as a friend-and while we were close he took care of me like nobody's business. he was my confidante, my business partner, my everything..he'd share my laugh and pain. so that is why i cant hate him. but still he shouldnt have had an affair with me if i was just a friend. he said we were just like children playing and having fun-nothing serious. and now that his gf has found out-am i wrong for talking? its all so complicated. i feel lousy.

[stupidgal84]

yes, i know im better off without him. i can never trust him again-despite him being a nice guy and all-cuz he has a problem in telling that a physical affair is considered cheating. but its funny-that i still love him, and care for him. damm i hate myself for being a typical stupid woman. id definitely not go back to him-i doubt he'd ever come back for me anyway after all this. and the sad reality is that our frenship has also gone down the drain.

 

and a reply to AJS-he did have an affair with me-he is not denying that that happened. but he doesnt consider that cheating on her. i actually believed him there..since it was a physical affair on his side-and emotionally it was all her. but when i put things objectively-i dun think so rite? a physical affair is still an affair-and its considered cheating rite?

[AJS]

yes, i know im better off without him. i can never trust him again-despite him being a nice guy and all-cuz he has a problem in telling that a physical affair is considered cheating. but its funny-that i still love him, and care for him. damm i hate myself for being a typical stupid woman. id definitely not go back to him-i doubt he'd ever come back for me anyway after all this. and the sad reality is that our frenship has also gone down the drain.

 

and a reply to AJS-he did have an affair with me-he is not denying that that happened. but he doesnt consider that cheating on her. i actually believed him there..since it was a physical affair on his side-and emotionally it was all her. but when i put things objectively-i dun think so rite? a physical affair is still an affair-and its considered cheating rite?

 

 

 

 

Yes, a physical affair is still an affair and he is cheating on her. If you were to ask her, I'm sure she would agree.

 

" the sad reality is that our frenship has also gone down the drain"

 

Friends don't treat each other this way! From what you have posted so far, (I know this seems harsh) but, it almost sounds like he used you. This man doesn't deserve your love. I noticed you keep calling his gf a bitch, is this a personal opinon or do you know this for a fact? Is this what he tells you? She must not be too bad, he stays with her.

 

I knew a couple once where the man kept saying these things about his gf.....mean, bitch, etc making everybody feel sorry for him basically. Well, after awhile his friends, family started treating her like they hated her, never really getting to know her because of all the crap he had said. She finally had enough and left him, he lost it! He couldn't stand being away from her and his family thought he had lost his mind. His sister ended up going and speaking with the gf and with a little common sense, she figured out what was really going on. Some people just crave the drama and attention. Could this be his problem?

 

 

As much as it hurts, you must keep in mind how he has treated you through all this. Go out with some friends, meet new people, date. He isn't worth what you are putting yourself through.

[newbby]

it may have been a good friendship but he did still use you, as ajs said. it sounds as though he wanted to convince you and him that you werent really doing anything much or anything wrong. you are correct in that shows how little his feelings were involved in it, but, he has to realise that what is small to him, may not be to others. so when he realised that you actually were doing this through feelings of love, he stopped, which is better than some guys would do (look at the countless mm who declare love for their ow to keep them sleeping with them), or maybe he just realised at that point that he was in a dangerous place and tried to slide his way out of it. he also obviously kept it from his gf so if that isnt an affair, i dont know what is.

still, he did not take anybody elses feelings into account and he cannot blame you for speaking about it.

really though, all you need be concerned with is not what he thinks of you, but, how it is not good for you to spend any time nor thought on somebody who makes you feel this bad. he will figure out eventually that he should not have blamed you entirely for this. not something to wait around for though, it could take a long time. let him figure it out, i wouldnt go trying to explain yourself. he wants to blame you at this point. just get yourself over him, concentrate on yourself, thats all.

[FireReady]

He's a fool and good for you for getting onto it... and if you need some support from the female end that won't judge you, try GirlsTalkAboutItAll.com