EMJ Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 He's been actively pursuing me, but I'm no home wrecker. I just want to enjoy him when traveling and think that will work out best for all concerned. We will be hooking up for a conference next month. This will be our first time together physically. I'm so looking forward to it. He does not yet know that I'm planning to "let things happen" during our trip. We live in diffrerent parts of the country and do not know anyone in the city we are visiting. Anybody think this is a good plan? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 I think you're making a mistake by letting something happen. You will be a home wrecker (maybe in your mind you won't be) if you go through with your plan. Not only will you fall for this guy, you'll be allowing him to cheat on his wife and family - WILLINGLY. And if you think it will only happen while you both are travelling in the future on business, you're fooling yourself. You seem smart, I know you've read other posts in section...Right now you have SO MUCH control NOT to let this happen, yet so willingly, you're about your ruin your life as you know. Just remember when you play with fire, eventually you get burned. The choice is yours obviously...I do think that plan of yours isn't good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EMJ Posted December 30, 2005 Author Share Posted December 30, 2005 I do appreciate your insight. I've known this person for a few years. I don't think I'm going to fall for him in that way. I've thought back on previous relationships where I have enjoyed the other person for months or even years, but never really fell for them in that crazy hungry way. They were very enjoyable expericences and I have fond memories. This feels like those situations and I'm feeling very peaceful about it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 You're fooling yourself if you think a casual sexual relationship won't change into an emotional thing. Is he worth it? If you don't feel that then why even BOTHER getting involved with a married man? Thought about his wife and kids? You feel peaceful because you can't see the full picture, the consquences, the fallout and the pain you're about to inflict not only for his wife and children when they find out, but for yourself. Go read some more posts in this section so you know what to expect. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EMJ Posted December 30, 2005 Author Share Posted December 30, 2005 Is that there a victim theme is running through so many of these posts. How can someone be a victim when they conciously chose to enter into relationships outside of the marriage. I doubt that many were lied to about the other person's status beofre they became involved. Being/falling in love is a choice too. Some of these people posting here sound very young and still believe the fantasy that one person can fulfill all of your emotional, physical, and intellectual needs for your entire life. In what society/culture/ world has that ever been true? Where has this occurred as the norm, sustainable over many years? That's an awful lot of pressure and a standard few can or do live up to. If you read the post about Know what you are getting into from 12/25, you will see that not everyone enters into affairs for the same reasons. It's not all so black and white. Not every man or woman who gets invloved is trying to 'steal them away'. There's a lot of angst in being unsure but not much in being sure. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 No, not at the beginning...But it's a natural inside feeling, the heart and emotions take over. And ofcourse it's not always black and white, there are many reasons why people choose to have an affair. But, with that being said WHY SETTLE for being second best to someone else? As a woman, don't you feel you deserve a man who will put you first? If you want something casual, non-committed there are MANY single men out there who I'm sure could fit that role. I guess I don't understand why you would involve yourself in a casual sex situation with a man who is married. That isn't fair to his wife. Yes, he is the one cheating on his wife, but you are the one he'd be cheating with, knowingly...If you can live with that, accept that, and know that he'll NEVER leave his wife if you're feelings change and you want him more, then please, go stick to your plan. I hope you take full responsiblity for your actions, complete accountability when the affair is found out by his wife (and trust me, she will find out one day) and be prepared for the fallout. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EMJ Posted December 30, 2005 Author Share Posted December 30, 2005 Its' not really the casual non-comittal situation, again, not so black & white, casual vs. marriage extremes you are describing. It's more of a friendship with someone you enjoy. As an adult you will find that you will be less attracted to just anyone in general but to certain type of person who rarely crosses your path. On that rare occassion you will sit up and take notice. It's also the knowledge and acceptancethat this cross-country, limited time, intense friendship will end. Honestly, as I said before, no one can be all things to all people. This is the role I want for this person in my life at this time in my life. The other person in his deep diasappointment in his marriage is obviously willling to put it at risk. That kind of choice does not happen overnight. Just erosion and lack of connection over years. Many marriages break down over lack of affection, respect, or appreciation. Society says that the rejected partner should just suffer in silence and take it. That's just not acceptable anymore, life really is too short or maybe beacause its so long and we refuse to live year after year with such crumbs of affection. I'm not someone who feels secondary in any way. I do date and have someone I see fairly regulalry.This mm is supplementary and I'm sure he sees me the same way. A beautiful retreat from the everyday and "what happens here, stays here'" wherever that may be. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 If you want to be a friend to him, then tell him to work things out at home. You can't always have what you want. It isn't fair that he's focussing on you and not his wife. If they are not communicating and there isn't enough affection he should be trying to make things RIGHT at home, not pursuing you and running away from his life at home. The friendship you have with him is serving YOU, not him. This is the role I want for this person in my life at this time in my life. He isn't a toy, this is a real person. He has a wife and it's not fair of you to throw yourself into the mix of that, knowing that things aren't wonderful in his marriage. If you're after friendship, then be a FRIEND, nothing more. Don't take it a physical level. Obviously you're going to do what you're going to do...Just be prepared for things to happen which I can see you think will never happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EMJ Posted December 30, 2005 Author Share Posted December 30, 2005 I'm glad you can see that the relationship is serving me in particular. That would be the goal. I can't see why anyone would be involved in a situation that was NOT serving their needs? I've got my eyes wide open. You may have forgotten from the first post, but this person is actively pursuing ME. From several states away. He seems to know what he's doing . This person was involved in marital counseling twice, but it hasn't worked out. His is one of the millions of sexless marriages. Even if it's not, that's not my interest. This person has significant financial assets and two teenagers. I'm not interested in disturbing any of that At all. Ever. He has been calling the shots and I've been holding back so far. He is my friend. I'd like it to end on friendly terms. It's possible and it's likely. I have a few friendly ex's. am a very sensible person. Ill let you know how it works out. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 I can't see why anyone would be involved in a situation that was NOT serving their needs? If it is going to cause harm to other people, then it's not worth it. You will cause alot of pain and heartache for his wife and his kids. It's your life and be happy in it. I don't agree with how you're handling this but what I think doesn't apply in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Well yes, people can have relationships with someone, even get very deeply in love with them, and still not want them to leave their marriages, or want to possess them. But at the same time... it can happen that one feels one can be involved with someone and not feel those feelings ever... And YES... it DOES depend on the people involved. And the way things go. And perhaps events in those people's lives. Life is full of odd happenings... and changes of heart. Nothing is certain. Though often, on this board, you'd think everything was set in stone. No one story can ever be proscriptive where another one is concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts