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I love her but now she's married!


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I had a years relationship with a wonderful girl, we were so in love, but started arguing because we were young and there were issues with how committed we really were. We split up under painful circumstances and didn't see each other apart from a brief conversation for 5 months.

 

I got a note through the door from her saying she was pregnant and that she was going to have the baby and get married. We met up and both told each other that we still loved each other.

 

5 years on a we're friends. I have a girlfriend that I live with. I think her husband is great, her two kids are fantastic and I want the best for them all. The problem is I can't stop thinking about her. I saw them the other night and we were all in front of the fire and I looked at her and she looked so beautiful. It gives me a lump in the throat she looked so beautiful. And she keeps coming to mind. I honestly wish that she'll marry me one day.

 

How can I deal with this. I'm 26.

 

 

From troubled young man

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It's early yet. More people will be along to answer posts as the day gets going.

 

The advice is simple - stop allowing yourself to want somebody else's wife. As long as you allow yourself to dwell on this, you'll continue to make yourself miserable.

 

She's not the only person on the planet you can love and the sooner you force yourself to quit mooning over her, the sooner you will be ready to find another person who suits you wonderfully well.

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Is it really that simple? I suppose if you believe that there are many people who could be just right for you, then yes. If you believe there could be one and only one true match, then no it's not that simple! I agree though to stop wanting what you can't have is good, but thats easier said than done. How do you do that? How do you stop wanting someone??

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Actually, a person may always be attractive and desirable to you. But, you have to move through it.

 

Always work at the no contact plan. Avoid being around her and try to erase all things that bring back memories.

 

Really work at not thinking about her, dwelling on the situation.

 

Stay busy.

 

The real solution will come when you find someone else that grabs your attention. This will likely happen.

 

Time heals all wounds. This thing may go on a year, or two and so on. but, in time with the proper effort mentioned above. You will make the break.

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Make the closure for yourself by not letting your mind go where it shouldn't be going about her. She is your past, so try your best to teach your brain to stop controlling your feelings. It won't be easy but the reality is she is married and has a child with someone else. You can't have what isn't yours to begin with...

 

The more you focus on her, the worse you will feel. Stop seeing her, stop thinking about her...Keep busy, make new friends, go out and have fun! Live life and try your best to not let her rule your emotions and ruin your life : Meaning, her affecting you so much.

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Ideally you would know just how to forget about her, but I've been in a similar situation and I know it's not easy. Time heals nothing, it's what you do with the time that may heal. What makes is difficult to give you advice is that you mentioned that she loves you too and it seems then that she married because she got pregnant not because she loves her husband. However, as much as you love each other, it seems she made a decision, not for her sake or yours but for her child's. You gotta respect that. It's not about you as a couple anymore and she made that decision for the both of you when she decided to get married to her baby's father.

As difficult as it seems right now that the pain will subside one day, believe me, it will. Love is great and all but your reality is another thing now...Please be cautious with your own heart and try to think realistically about your future. You live with someone and it's not cool to play with her heart either. You will find your own way. I believe deep down inside you know the answers to your own questions...it's just that the answers are so painful and offer no hope to be with her. I wish you the best.

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can't you just tell her you want her and that u think u should be together? if u feel its the right thing and u belong together, just do it....

 

I know all the LS people are going to have a go at me now for saying it.:bunny:

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Mandy, the world isn't a free candy shop where you just grab whatever you want and forget that you have an effect on others when you do that.

 

Once upon a time, people strove to NOT be selfish, to be honourable, and to be people worthy of respect. A person who would do that to somebody else's spouse is none of those things.

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Mandy, I guess you believe "if it feels right do it" huh? Wow, you have SO much to learn in life. You have a very, very rocky road ahead of you. It's so sad.

 

That attitude, which I think we've ALL had at one time or another in our lives, brings many consequences as you will find out.

 

Jimbo, that ship has sailed. There isn't only ONE person for you. That's bull. And what about your current girlfriend. Is she not the one? Then why are you with her?

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can't you just tell her you want her and that u think u should be together? if u feel its the right thing and u belong together, just do it....

 

I know all the LS people are going to have a go at me now for saying it

 

Not gonna have a go of you, but I do think you fail to see the repercussions.

 

Nevertheless, he'll probably do it anyway, just to make life interesting.

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I'm glad Mandy has put accross the other side of the argument, and I guess that's what I have been struggling with, whether to do that or not. I dream about it sometimes.

 

Thankyou everybody for your input and experience, I take the main point that letting go is in the mind and that I have control of this. That is reassuring and I will try it. I have been 'indulging' recently in believing that there is some possibility that we would be together and this makes for hard times! The last thing I want to do is upset their family, so it is the only way. I can't tell her anything.

 

One last point though, I think Westernxer is a little military in style, and I am much more a fan of being gentle with yourself, and also forgiving yourself for being human etc. Sometimes life isn't black and white, and with control of the mind success will follow in whatever you are trying.

 

Thanks again all

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Hello jimbo.

 

I'm wondering about this...

 

I got a note through the door from her saying she was pregnant and that she was going to have the baby and get married. We met up and both told each other that we still loved each other.

 

What happened then..? Do you think she put the note through your door in a final attempt to maybe work things out with you before committing herself? What else was said in the conversation besides 'i love you's..?

 

I'm asking this because I am wondering (long shot idea) whether you and her didn't get together initially because you didn't want to commit... and then you had this one chance and (maybe) didn't act on a chance you had and now... you're with a g/f and you are evidently not very committed to making that work either.

 

Do you think that your thinking so much of this other girl now is more to do with your inabilities to make a decision to be with someone fully... rather than her being 'the one'..?

 

Just an idea.

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Sometimes life isn't black and white, and with control of the mind success will follow in whatever you are trying.

 

It's very black and white when you're not emotionally involved. But you are, which is why you're so screwed up at the moment.

 

Justification isn't gonna make you look any better.

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