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Wife just found out... please help me, I am am feeling very sick, in shock...


DepressedWaiting

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DepressedWaiting

I had been involved with my MM for 2+ years seriously. He never used to tell me he was going to divorce because he said he didn't want to mislead me. But this past year he has been telling me he is unhappy with his marriage but due to finanical reasons I needed to be patient and that things were going to change because he could not live without with and refused to lose me and to give him less then 6 months and things would change.

 

Well, I just had the WORST night of my life, I don't now how I'm going to make it through the night. I've been curled up in fetal position crying hysterically. I'm in so much pain I can hardly breath. I am in a state of shock and I'm liertally shaking.

 

What happened was that I just called my MM and I angryily yelled at him about the situation... his wife happened to be sitting next to him. He then confesses to me that his wife already knows. I just found out his wife KNEW about the affair for the past 6 entire months and she doesn't care!!!

 

She doesn't care that her husband was having sex with me and involved with me and cheating on her. Mond you these people aren't low class people like Jerry Springer. My MM is a high class business man who is well off in a beautiful house. So it's not like that. I spoke to his wife on the phone and she wasn't upset with me at all. She said she knew he was cheating... he had never done it before... only with me she said but that she takes her marriage vows seriously and puts up with it from her husband.

 

His wife was actually comforting me. I feel like I'm on a different planets likes Mars! This can't really be reality. Is this normal to happen? I mean his wife found out six months ago and I just filled her in on all the details and told her that her husband was just over at my house having sex with me two weeks ago and telling me how much he loves me and how he was going to divorce. Now in front of his wife he tells me on the phone that he was confused and didn't mean to lie to me. He is a disgusting liar... I can't believe he would do this to me.

 

I don't want to go into futher detail, I am in shock... I really need someone to help me because I don't know how I can go on.

 

I don't understand how understnndng his wife was and how lightly she took it. His wife even said she would call me tomorrow and make sure I'm ok because I was really distrought.

 

What is happening!!! This can't be happening, I'm sick to my stomach. How could his wife take it so lightly. This is not normal.

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Honestly, her not being bothered by this can only mean two things. One - She is having an affair too and likes things as they are. Or she is messing with you.

 

I think tomorrow you should make an appt to talk to your doctor. Talk to someone professional because you're an emotional wreck and may need some extra help. Not saying you're gonna DO something stupid, but I'm talking about how quickly nerves, emotions etc can take over. Maybe you won't eat or drink anything, get dehydrated, or pass out from low blood sugar. I don't know. But don't be alone, sleep at a friends house or something.

 

I can't really comment on anything else, I am sorry for your pain but it sounds like he was loving having his cake, having the comfort of home life and just riding along...

 

Keep posting, get it out - Scream, cry, whatever...Hope you feel better soon.

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You need to talk to a friend, or someone who can comfort you.

 

Forget about his wife's reaction... she's probably been grieving in private these last six months, which may explain her calm demeanor.

 

Your man is a pussy. If he can lie to his wife, he can definitely lie to you.

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DepressedWaiting

I'm not ok. I'm definitely not ok at all. I'm not in reality, this doesn't feel like reality. I'm skaking and feel sick to my stomach, I keep having moments where I can hardly breath and I hyper ventilate. I really don't have many friends... my main friend was always MM. Nobody else to talk to.

 

This isn't normal for a wife to react like this. Her previous husband had an affair and left her for the other women. She said ever since then... with this current marriage she takes her vows seriously and would not divorce him. Her husband would have to leave her... and I have a feeling she would fight to keep him.

 

I don't undertsand this... my MM also sounded very weird on the phone... like he was saying things he didn't mean because his wife was there. Just last week he held me in his arms for hours and told me he would NEVER be without me and that he is NOT lying to me and that things were going to change. he has never delayed a set divorce date yet once... he told me to give him just two months. He told me this last week....

He told me getting married was the biggest mistake he ever made and that he would prove me wrong and to give him just two months. I've known this man since I was 14... I'm 25 now. He was my best friend and was always there for me for many years. He's like family. This is why I am not handling this well at all.

 

I'm going to get a hold of MM tomorrow because I want to talk to him in person before I cut him off forever. Until I do that I just cannot believe this, I can't. I need to see him face to face and go over what happened last night. This can't be real.

 

But I know if he really were even half decent he would not have told me the things he did over the phone in front of his wife... instead he would have told his wife (right then and there) that he did want a divorce. But he didn't... he did the opposite. In that case he is very dusgusting... I am in a complete state of shock and feel like a complete fool... never... and I mean NEVER in a million years did I think he would turn out to be THIS.

 

I need help, I don't know what I'm going to do... I'm devastated and in shock. I cannot stop crying, I am ill from this.

 

His wife won't be home tomorrow all day, I need to talk to MM and find out what EXACTLY tranpsired last nigth and if weaht he said over the phone was true.

 

Also, he told me he hadn't had sex with his wife in 6 moths. I asked his wife if that was true or not and she said that he lied to me about that. She said he definitely lied about that.

 

Do you know how many times I yelled at MM and interrogated him to tell me if he did have sex with his wife or not? I literally yelled at him everyday and told him I just wanted to hear the truthful answer to that and he adamentally told me he hadn't had sex with his wife in 6 months. Either his wife lied because she wanted me to think he was lying to me about eveything because she wants her husband and doesn't want me thinking anything good of him or he is lying.

 

I have huge difficulties when I do not know the truth. I'm one of those people who NEEDS the truth.

 

I wish I knew someone... or a good decent man who could just hold me and comfort me right now. I'm not ok, I cannot stop crying. I don't understand how he could do this to me. I just don't understand it all all.

 

This can't be right, tomorrow I will have closure either way because I will talk to MM face to face. But I will never be able to trust a man ever again. This has seriously damaged me and will effect me for the rest of my life. I was already dealing with other serious problems, this was the last thing I could not handle right now.

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Tomorrow call your doctor to set up a referral so you can go talk to a therapist to help you cope with this. You're a complete mess, running on very high and raw emotions right now. This isn't good and sweetie, you need to calm down abit...Take some deep breaths. You're in shock and have been blind sided.

 

I'm not going to give you any words of advice right now about the situation, his wife etc...You are in no shape to hear anything tonight.

 

Put on the TV, make some tea, try to get some rest. Yes this is hard and I can see how much pain you're in, but there isn't anything you can do right now, so really think about your health, both physical and mental, right now.

 

If you can't sleep, then keep on venting here. Or write him a letter, get it all out and down on paper.

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He has been lying to you both, of course.

 

West is right: his wife has probably been doing her own grieving for 6 months. I'm sure she was devastated when she first found out; her reaction now is the result of six months of absorbing the information, hearing him tell her (as he almost certainly has) that he's conflicted and unsure of what to do (which is a far cry from 'I'm divorcing you', believe me), trying to woo him back - and yes, having sex with him. He absolutely lied to you about that.

 

It's pretty clear that he's trying to hedge his bets, which includes having sex with both of you. There's no way she would have arrived at this state of (probably pseudo-)calm if she didn't believe his mind is far from made up. Whether or not she's wrong, doesn't really matter, does it? Because the point is, he lied to her in the same way that he lied to you. This isn't the man you want - that man is a phantom.

 

Naturally he was strange on the phone with you, with his wife there - he's a flat-out coward. Not the man you believe him to be at all. Frankly, he tells you what you want to hear and her what she wants to hear, hoping all the while that there's going to be some way for him not to come out looking like the a$$ he is.

 

There isn't, though.

 

I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain - and I do hope you'll take care of yourself, as WWIU said. A therapist is an excellent idea, someone to help you cope. I understand what you've said about never wanting to trust anyone again, after a painful, deep betrayal - but there are a lot of good people out there, and the sooner you free yourself from this guy, the sooner you'll be able to find the strength and courage to love again.

 

You will find it. You just need to give yourself that chance.

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I never understand why when in a relationship which requires deception and outright lies -- I never understand why the other woman or other man is astounded to find they've been lied to as well. It's really not that astonishing if you consider it.

 

You're now going to ask him more questions....I wonder what you'll hear?...hmmmm....I honestly consider this a total waste of your time. I don't think I'd ask him or expect anything...certainly not truthfulness. I think you finally know what you've needed to know for a long long time.

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I'm so sorry you are going through this, please take care of yourself and don't try to talk to him or get closure by having any contact with him. It won't change what he has done or what he is. Cakemen are just awful, they take women's hearts and just stomp on them for their own selfish reasons. Trust that you will get to the other side, just mentally say I'm outta here. You know, I had a dream that what happened to you happened to me, exactly the same thing, awhile ago. In my dream the wife said she knew all along what he was like, and that she knew he'd always come back to her. Meanwhile in this dream the MM didn't take a stand for me, like a wimp he just stood there, silent, by the w's side, while then looking at me for any recognition of "something." I think that dream was kind of a blessing in saying to get away. Took a long time, but I did.

 

One friend of mine kept telling me to get angry, not sad over the MM. Not angry as in "I'm gonna hurt him" but just angry to stay away and cut out the MM (and his W, too, since she seems to want to talk to you). Get angry at both of them and stay away from them. And do comforting things for yourself, you are not to blame. It IS his fault, and the best thing you can do is cut off communications. Period. Don't let him say anymore. He's done.

 

Many hugs to you. I will keep you in my thoughts. Take a few days off from work if you can and comfort yourself.

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take deep breaths sweetie, you will get through this. you are stronger than you think. for your sake please, please dont talk to either one of them. you can ask him anything you like but he has just proved to be a complete liar to you, your natural incination will be to undo or soothe this pain however you can, of course it will, and you want him to tell you that he told you the truth before, and he will tell you that honey, you know he will, either that or he will cut you off completely. i think the wife probably is genuinely sympathetic to you. it sounds as though she is treating him like a child that he has acted and is calmly showing him what his actions have done.

you will not get the truth from him and if you do get the truth it will not be sympathetic. talking to his wife nice as she is being, will not make you feel any better. you really have to just go through this, the most part of what you are feeling is deep deep shock. the shock will subside. the pain will too. just breathe and let yourself go through it, dont resist it, and you will be ok, thats a promise.

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Sigh....crying all night, curled up in the fetal position, weird strangers on the phone, confusion, promises, lies, two years gone, 25 years old. Is anyone or anything worth this? No....

 

You are in the best and the brightest of your adventure years, your me-first years, your foundations-for-the-future years and those should not include this kind of waste, drama and bereavement.

 

Get a grip, get off the couch, recall that he told you that divorce was not an option, do not listen to a wealthy man saying he has to arrange things "financially" in six months as an excuse for delay...You know the rest. The first step to take is to change that screen name of yours....

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DepressedWaiting

Thanks for all the responses. they have been helpful. My MM isn't wealthy, what he has is a very nice hosue on the water worth 1.2 mill... but his business sufferred great losses these past years years and he was also in debt. I know this is not an excuse whatsoever and it would not keep a decent man from divorcing if he really wanted out.

 

He did tell me these past several months to be patient, that he couldn't live without me. I put this man through h*ll for the past entire year because I was very distrought over the situation the entire time... I know he cares for me because any other man would have run like heck. I couldn't get through one single conversation with him without it turning into a fight over the situation and me yelling at him about it. A few months ago he told me he would tell me his decision as to when things would change because at that time he was dealing with a lawsuit and dealing with others issues.

 

Now a couple of weeks ago he told me his definite decision beyond any doubt was that he would be seperated from his wife in LESS than six months. I told him that was unacceptable and that I would not put up with that. He then tells me he is working "very hard" to get out of this situation and that he is buying a condo and his wife was going to move into it... and that then he would file for divorce because it would be much easier once she is out of the house to make the move. He begged and begged me to be patient and that we could even go no contact until then (if it made me feel better) so he could prove me wrong. He said "Just give me two months and I will prove it to you"... "I will prove" it to you he told me over and over again. Just last week he told me this again. He told me he is unhappy in his marriage and that it was a big mistake.

 

I ended with him and told him he can forget I exist until I see SIGNED divorce papers. I had no contact for a week.... I don't know what prompted me to do this but I snapped. I was just sitting here the whole week thinking and thinking about the situation and the more I thgouht about it the more I felt physically ill. I snapped... called his house to tell him what garbage I think he is and that I don't believe he is telling me the truth about divorce... turns out his wife is sitting next to him hearing me do this.

 

He then tells me on the phone in front of his wife "The truth is, I am happily married" when I screamed at him to tell me the truth. He was very odd on the phone, you could tell he was shaving his own a**. I don't know if he was just saying that because he got caught off guard in front of his wife or not and didn't know how else to re-act. Then I had an hour long conversation with his wife, she was so calm it was very odd. I'm telling you, this isn't normal for a wife to re-act like this. He got caught 3 months ago and his wife thinks he only slept with me once. So on the phone I let her know he has been doing this throughout the entire marriage. Not a short term fling, but betrayal the whole time! She was still so clam and more worried about if I was going to make it trough the night. I was so distrought I could hardly talk.

 

I'm driving to his house to talk to him in person when his wife is at work. I know I shouldn't but it will make me feel better no matter what. I just need to get to the bottom of this and find out what last night was all about. No matter what he says... there is no turning back now. I will hate him forever, I have ZERO trust left for him. This was damage that will NEVER be repaired.

 

I had to take 3 sleeping pills to try to knock myself out so I could sleep tonight... I manged to fall alseep for only 30 mintues. I feel numb, all I do is sit and stare at the wall. I can't even cry now, it's like the pain gets so much worse when I cry. This is so awful, I'm in complete devastation, I don't understand how I could have been so stupid to believe him.

 

And above all, I don't understand his wife's re-action. It doesn't make sense to me. I think because her first husband left her for the other women that now after that devastation (she told on on the phone she was devastated then when her first husband dod this) so she isn't going to let anyone take her man ever again. Do you think that's why she's like this?

 

I feel sick. I just don't see myself recovering from this.

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DepressedWaiting

It's only 6 a.m right now... in a couple of hours I will post what happens when I talk to MM face to face. I am curious to see what his reaction to last night will be. I need to do this and speak face to face, it's just something I must do. After what happened last night... I have to.

 

This I promise, he will NEVER in this lifetime ever be involved with me again. Over my dead body.

 

How nice it would have been if here were decent, instead he is not that. He is someone else, a disgusting pig who lied to his wife and me because he was too cowadly to get off his rear and make desision about divorce. Only a coward would tell me how much he cares for me and refuses to lose me and would divorce... then turn around and in front of his wife tell me "I am happily married". Disgusting!!!

 

He obviously choose to side with his wife when the sh*t hit the fan. The wife he claimed to be so unhappy with and the wife he claimed to have no sex with. And me the idiot... who believed it!

 

I can't put it into words how disgusted I feel right now, it's just disgusting. It really is.

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What a horrible experience you've been through.

 

Unfortunately (and I hope Aussie Mandy reads this) this is not an uncommon scenario.

 

MM has passionate affair with OW and promises her the world. Once he's busted, however, he sides with the wife and OW is left out in the cold.

 

Oftentimes, the wife sides with the cheating husband. Why? Well, oftentimes she is so afraid of losing him she will put up with his behavior, let him 'get it out of his system' so to speak.

 

Trust me, she is probably not as calm, cool and collected as she sounded over the phone with you. Inside, she is probably a mess. But she intended to 'psych' you out, make herself and her husband appear like a united front.

 

Her saying that she'd call on you the next day to make sure you're OK is pretty wierd. My guess it's another psych-out game, designed to make you feel small, victimized and like the outsider. It's pretty condescending, actually.

 

Definitely get yourself some therapy to help you cope.

 

You sound awfully devastated and it's understandable.

 

Being lied to in such a manner is horrible. This man obviously looks out for Number 1 before anyone else.

 

Good luck and hang in there

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i agree with this jaykay i also thought the wife was condescending but i didnt want to say that, i thought i would get attacked for that being the ex ow.

this is why you must not talk to either of them. it will make you feel worse.

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Her saying that she'd call on you the next day to make sure you're OK is pretty wierd. My guess it's another psych-out game, designed to make you feel small, victimized and like the outsider. It's pretty condescending, actually.

 

Maybe not. I was cheated on (not married though) and I was extremely concerned for the OW. I knew she was being lied to as well, so I didn't "hate" her. She was very unstable and I could relate to her pain. I honestly felt for her. Maybe his wife doesn't blame you. Maybe she is one of those that blame herself.

 

I agree with everyone that her calmness is a coping mechanism, and she is probably using it to fight to keep her H. Let her have him. Look what he's done to you. Don't believe his lies when you see him today. Be smart.

 

Peace.

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He tells you on the phone that he is "happily married"...after promising to "prove" his intended divorce to you, telling you to be patient, not taking any steps whatsoever...and so on down the line...while you cannot get through a conversation with him without screaming. And you still want to see this person a so-called "last time"?

 

I am very sorry, but unlike the "there, there sweetie" posts on this thread, there is little here to sympathize with in my view. Your problem is not the MM per se--since you knew from his "opening statement" at the beginning of this affair that divorce was not in the picture. Subsequent words-action discrepancies have underscored that.

 

Your problem is an abysmal self esteem. This has been going on far too long, and now you are at the point of a mental and physical breakdown (THREE sleeping pills???) . You are in a not-untypical OW trap (yes, yes, I know your A was "different"--aren't they all) where you are psychologically glued to this person and the pieces of stale, bread-crumb attention he has given you.

 

True love does not go like this. And you cannot expect him to picture a future with you when it is constant drama, ill will and no trust.

 

I say, forget seeing him altogether, forget the "last word" (there is none), look up some tried-and-true girlfriends, get some air, look around and about and away from your closeted world and come back to life

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ok old europe but what is wrong with a little sympathy, it does not mean there there go and do it again, it simply means you are not so worthless that people dont care about you and say well you asked for it.

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I'm telling you, this isn't normal for a wife to re-act like this.

 

It may not be the typical response from a wife who didn't already have suspicions that her husband was cheating, but it isn't uncommon for a spouse who is suffering from inertia and has already resolved to ignore certain behaviors because she wants (or needs) to hold onto her family and marriage.

 

My own mother handled these kinds of situations in the same way. While she didn't attempt to comfort or mollycoddle the scorned, angry women (groupies) who would call her home trying to exact pay-back on my father, her response was simply this:

 

"I already know he's cheating. You're not the first. But my husband always comes home to me and our daughters."

 

Surprising and off-putting to hear such a thing, I'm sure. But the intended reaction (to throw the OW's game into a tailspin) never failed to hit it's mark. The woman on the other end was always startled by my mother's calm demeanor, became silent and eventually hung up. That's when my mother would go into her bedroom, shut the door, and cry.

 

Later, she would question my father. I remember laying in bed as a child and hearing my father raise his voice to her. I remember her crying and telling him that she was going to take kids and leave. As always, my father would deny that anything happened. He would tell her it was just some crazy groupie that came onto him at the club and was trying to stir up trouble. My mother knew he was lying. No woman is that naïve. But being young, unemployed with only an 11th grade education, estranged from her family, and two small girls to raise … she had nowhere to "take" us, nor any means to support us.

 

Years later, when I was old enough to understand, she explained that she and my father stayed together for all these years because of "us." The kids. She also admitted that she was co-dependant and felt trapped and afraid to leave. Now, in their sixties, my father's Glory days are long over and my mother wears her acquired ambivalence like a badge of honor. She has certainly earned her place at my father's side and exclaims: "I stayed married to that b*stard for all these years, so why leave now?" (Spoken like a true passive-aggressive ;) )

 

Some women are helplessly trapped, bound by their codependency and inability to eek out a living on their own. While some suffer silently and stoically for the sake of keeping their marriage and families intact. For some cultures, the husband entertaining a mistress on the side is even considered the "norm."

 

If this is not the kind of life you envision for yourself, DepressedWaiting, then leave that man and his family alone. Let the tears and bitter taste it has left in your mouth be a constant reminder of what your future could hold if your inexperience and wishful thinking is allowed to cloud your judgment.

 

"Don't walk in my shoes." Is the best advice my mother ever gave me. And I think her experienced words would be equally as beneficial to you.

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Agreed, you don't kick a man (woman) when he (she) is down, but what I am writing and trying to say is more in the form of a cold bucket of water over her head. She is going to go around and around in this spin cycle unless a little "tough love" (in the form of us critics taking the time to read her story in the first place) maybe kicks in some distance and perspective, even if it means being a bit hard

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Very well said OE! I don't get why some people don't understand that approach. There will be plenty of "there, there's." There needs to be a balance. What's wrong with having a balance new? Why does everyone have to be the same?

 

I feel terrible for this girl. I think it's weird though that she is overly concerned about the wife's reaction though in the midst of all her pain. It's almost like she's mad that the wife isn't mad and in bad shape over this. That's creepy to me.

 

Learn from this and move on. You were used. Don't let it ruin the rest of your life.

 

This post should be required reading for those contemplating such a relationship. Look at the needless devastation!

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Agreed, you don't kick a man (woman) when he (she) is down, but what I am writing and trying to say is more in the form of a cold bucket of water over her head. She is going to go around and around in this spin cycle unless a little "tough love" (in the form of us critics taking the time to read her story in the first place) maybe kicks in some distance and perspective, even if it means being a bit hard

 

theres a time and a place for tough love. once the shock and pain of these blows, has worn off, and if she tries to continue seeing him, then the tough love. or maybe you are correct that she needs tough love at this point, i think though that soft and gentle, compassionate love, are also required.;)

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DepressedWaiting

Trust me, the ONLY thing I am devastated and upset about is what MM did to me and how I fell for his lies.

 

I actually just think it's creepy how lightly his wife was taking it. When talking to her she was even joking around saying her husband isn't even that attractive and is a nerd.... and that his hair is thinning at the top. She was cracking jokes. I just don't understand that and I thought THAT was creepy. If I found this out about my husband... I would flip and go balistic and kick him to the curb. This whole thing is just surreal to me.

 

I can't post anymore right now... I just feel too sick and am in way too much pain.

 

I will post later after I manage to talk to MM about last night. He is disgusting, I am curious to see what he has to say. Then I can eventually I hope... move on with my life and heal but I honestly don't see how that's going to happen. It hurts so bad when you trust someone for years and then suddenly wham... they screw you over out of nowhere. I am a fool to have thought my situation or my MM would be any different. You just never believe it until it happens to you I guess. Sometimes you just have to experience it if you are foolish like me.

 

I'm going to be sick again.

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I feel terrible for this girl. I think it's weird though that she is overly concerned about the wife's reaction though in the midst of all her pain. It's almost like she's mad that the wife isn't mad and in bad shape over this. That's creepy to me.

 

 

 

 

it doesn't sound like that to me at all hot coco, it sounds as though she is shocked at the wifes reaction because she is not threatened by her. this is just further evidence of how much in the dark she has been about her real importance to mm.

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dw,

it is very shocking when you realise how much you have been lied to. it is horrible when you realise you have been decieved. please walk away with your dignity though. dont give him anymore of your time.

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