pinkrosette Posted November 12, 2005 Share Posted November 12, 2005 I've been reading the stories here on LS and there are some things I don't understand. Here are a few of my questions: A lot of people say that the MM never leaves their wife. How does that explain all the divorces then? Also, if you're a woman past your 30's, wouldn't that mean that just about everyone is already taken? Another thing is that I've read here that the MM always comes back after it's over. Mine didn't so it made me wonder why after reading the posts saying he always tries to come back. Do you think the MM's marriage was being helped by the affair and then when it's over it's sorta worse for him because he's got his old life back? I know mine wasn't too happy with his marriage before the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
ww Posted November 12, 2005 Share Posted November 12, 2005 why do u even care?it is over isn¸t it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkrosette Posted November 12, 2005 Author Share Posted November 12, 2005 I'm not asking it for my situation. I just want to understand it. I just pointed out that I had been involved with a MM so that everyone would understand why I'm on this type of forum. It'd be kinda weird if someone who was never involved with one was asking those questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkrosette Posted November 12, 2005 Author Share Posted November 12, 2005 I just read The Seduction of a Married Man that a poster talked about. That is such a great article and so true! Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 12, 2005 Share Posted November 12, 2005 A lot of people say that the MM never leaves their wife. How does that explain all the divorces then? Just to respond to this part, the majority of divorces are initiated by the W. How many of those divorces are the result of affairs that the W or the H had..? Who can say; these things aren't often made public, so I wonder about the statistics. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 12, 2005 Share Posted November 12, 2005 Another thing is that I've read here that the MM always comes back after it's over. Mine didn't so it made me wonder why after reading the posts saying he always tries to come back. A board like this is always going to give you generalities and statistical probabilities. There are always going to be examples where that's not the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 12, 2005 Share Posted November 12, 2005 People divorce for many, many reasons - one wants kids and the other doesn't, money arguments, addictions, getting married too soon, etc etc etc. Also, if you're a woman past your 30's, wouldn't that mean that just about everyone is already taken? Not even close to everybody is 'already taken'. In fact the number of singles of all ages is getting bigger every year. If those are your rationales for going after married men, better get yourself informed because you are way off base. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 12, 2005 Share Posted November 12, 2005 Do you think the MM's marriage was being helped by the affair and then when it's over it's sorta worse for him because he's got his old life back? I know mine wasn't too happy with his marriage before the affair. Well that's exactly what my MM said. That I was making his marriage tolerable. I think that's the case with most affairs. People go outside their marriage because their emotional needs aren't being met. When someone is available to them who's meeting those needs, their life becomes more comfortable. I don't know whether it's worse for the MM or the OW when an affair ends. Men are generally more able to cope with the end of a love affair than a woman. And it might be the case that he didn't love the OW at all. Again, generalising, men are much more likely than women to put up with unsatisfactory relationships. I suppose that's why fewer men file for divorce (going back to your first question). Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkrosette Posted November 12, 2005 Author Share Posted November 12, 2005 People divorce for many, many reasons - one wants kids and the other doesn't, money arguments, addictions, getting married too soon, etc etc etc. Not even close to everybody is 'already taken'. In fact the number of singles of all ages is getting bigger every year. If those are your rationales for going after married men, better get yourself informed because you are way off base. I wasn't using that to go after married men. I just read it and thought why should I bother trying to find a SG then. But that doesn't mean I'd go after a married one instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkrosette Posted November 12, 2005 Author Share Posted November 12, 2005 who's meeting those needs, their life becomes more comfortable. I don't know whether it's worse for the MM or the OW when an affair ends. Men are generally more able to cope with the end of a love affair than a woman. And it might be the case that he didn't love the OW at all. Again, generalising, men are much more likely than women to put up with unsatisfactory relationships. I suppose that's why fewer men file for divorce (going back to your first question). It makes me wonder if I should have gotten married when I was younger then since they stay with you no matter what. I guess that sounds funny but I don't know how else to say it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 12, 2005 Share Posted November 12, 2005 It makes me wonder if I should have gotten married when I was younger then since they stay with you no matter what. I guess that sounds funny but I don't know how else to say it. lol. well, they might want to stay... doesn't mean you'd still be happy with them (remember all those divorcing women..?) Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 Pinkrosette, You seem to be at the stage where you are trying to understand why things happened and how to move on. Each OW and xOW asks the same questions. I know I did. And sometimes I still do ask them. My advise to you is do not despair. One day you will meet someone who will be able to be with you fully. A relationship with a SG after a MM is not easy. I know my R with MM ended a few months ago. I am now in a relationship with a SG. I know I am treading carefully and taking things very slow but I am doing this to be completely sure of the SG. Anyway, don't wanna ramble now but hang in there. Sometimes you cannot always find the answers that you are looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
nextel Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 A lot of people say that the MM never leaves their wife. How does that explain all the divorces then? Also, if you're a woman past your 30's, wouldn't that mean that just about everyone is already taken? Women are the ones that initiate divorces 3/4 of the time. A man will stay in his marriage (for whatever reason) because he does not want to feel like a failure. A man will not jump off a ship unless he knows 110% that there is another one waiting on him. No it is not true that anyone woman past 30 means that Just about everyone is already taken. I happen to be 31 and I am dating a guy that is 32 who has never been married. This is not to say that he will marry me, but there are men out there that are not spoken for. Another thing is that I've read here that the MM always comes back after it's over. Mine didn't so it made me wonder why after reading the posts saying he always tries to come back. Any man in life (married or not) will try and come back to see what he can get or to try and see how far he can get away with anything. Men are like children. If you tell a child not to touch something, they will try again. But if slap their little hands, they wont. The same goes for men. When you end or he ends the encounter...At some point he will want to come back and live in fantasy land for a few minutes, even if he knows in his heart he does not have any intentions of leaving his life. Do you think the MM's marriage was being helped by the affair and then when it's over it's sorta worse for him because he's got his old life back? I know mine wasn't too happy with his marriage before the affair. Of course, most affairs that men have is for selfish reasons...themselves. Even when their marriages are intact, they still get out there and have affairs. Its the thrill of not getting caught, and the imagination of having been with someone that they are not supposed to be with that stimulates them. And when there marriages are not so intact, men have affairs to fulfil some emotional part and then to enjoy fantasy land for a moment before reality sets back in. There are some wives that want their husbands back after they learn of the affair and the man is too guilty to walk away: hence they put up with the arguments or the woman says she wants to work things out. For about 6 months to a year, things will go well. But then he goes back to his old ways and everything starts again. Either he will contact his old mistress or find a new one to toy with. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 Another thing is that I've read here that the MM always comes back after it's over. Mine didn't so it made me wonder why after reading the posts saying he always tries to come back. Any man in life (married or not) will try and come back to see what he can get or to try and see how far he can get away with anything. Men are like children. If you tell a child not to touch something, they will try again. But if slap their little hands, they wont. The same goes for men. When you end or he ends the encounter...At some point he will want to come back and live in fantasy land for a few minutes, even if he knows in his heart he does not have any intentions of leaving his life. Not only does the OP say that 'her' MM hasn't tried to come back, but there are two current threads on the Infidelity forum (both of which I've replied to today if you want to find them) by women asking WHY it is that their xMM no longer wants to be in contact with them. Clearly, not all MM who had affairs want to continue with the OW after it's ended. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkrosette Posted November 14, 2005 Author Share Posted November 14, 2005 Clearly, not all MM who had affairs want to continue with the OW after it's ended. I think it depends mostly on the type of person they are. Some people are more clingy and needy and are more likely to go back to the person later. Link to post Share on other sites
nextel Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 But he will certainly find another female to pry on. Link to post Share on other sites
SMHappyface Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 Women are the ones that initiate divorces 3/4 of the time. A man will stay in his marriage (for whatever reason) because he does not want to feel like a failure. A man will not jump off a ship unless he knows 110% that there is another one waiting on him. This make sense to me so much. My ex left me for the other woman, but she had open arms, legs and a checkbook. He said he left because I accidently slapped him while attempting to shut him up as he swore at me on a fight (and he wouldn't be physically abused, this coming from a 118 lb woman and a 240 lb man). I now see that as a cover-up, because why be alone, with a new woman, lots of money, life is good. Out with the old, in with the new. Link to post Share on other sites
nextel Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 A man is going to do what he wants to do regardless of how it makes anyone else feel. I have heard of men that have 4 children at home all under the age of 12 and still left the wife to be with the other woman. On the other hand, there have been men that made the excuse of the children as the reason why they cannot leave the wife. Bottomline is this....When a man wants a woman, there is nothing that will stop him from being with her. But if he does not want her, there is nothing she can do or say to make him stay. I would rather go through the trials and tribulations with a single man. Married men are a waste of time. Link to post Share on other sites
andie0302 Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 "The MM never leaves their wife. How does that explain all the divorces then? Also, if you're a woman past your 30's, wouldn't that mean that just about everyone is already taken?" People divorce for a number of reasons. Infidelity is just one of them. Not every man over 30 has been married or is married. Divorces, deaths, etc. happen every day, several times a day. "The MM always comes back after it's over. Mine didn't so it made me wonder why after reading the posts saying he always tries to come back" This is a generalization. Not all MM go back after it is over, just like not all women cheat for emotional fulfillment. People are people and all circumstances are different. "o you think the MM's marriage was being helped by the affair and then when it's over it's sorta worse for him because he's got his old life back? I know mine wasn't too happy with his marriage before the affair." My MM is in an unhappy marriage, but our affair has actually improved their marriage. In fact, he is happier now than he has ever been. His wife will not take care of certain sexual needs. I will. The same goes for my marriage. He does things to me that my husband won't. It makes life easier - kind of like an insurance policy. Link to post Share on other sites
SpringDale Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 I've been reading the stories here on LS and there are some things I don't understand. Here are a few of my questions: A lot of people say that the MM never leaves their wife. How does that explain all the divorces then? Also, if you're a woman past your 30's, wouldn't that mean that just about everyone is already taken? I left my wife for OW. Biggest mistake ever. OW didn't want hardly anything to do with me after I was available to her. I regret ever meeting her, my wife tried to hard and I was just stuborn. Its the price I pay, but I will resent and regret meeting OW every day for the rest of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Milo Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 A man is going to do what he wants to do regardless of how it makes anyone else feel. Whew. You have a few manhating issues there. Try to resolve those and you'll be a lot better off. I had a string of very, very bad, cheating, malicious girlfriends years ago and could have chosen that path. But I knew that my little sampling of relationships didn't represent all women. I chose those women and I felt like I probably had something to do with the disasters that resulted. In any case, once you get right with your feelings about yourself, it's hard to sustain hatred for others that have long ago left your life. You can always sit back and smirk at them. Speaking as just one man, and certainly not for all men, I have both broken off relationships with nothing to go to, stayed in ones until the bitter end, and everything in between. I have cared deeply about how others were affected and not cared as much as perhaps I should have. I have male friends who are so messed up by relationships that ended over ten years ago, that they have not dragged themselves out to meet anyone new. One is over 40 and never married. Back in college, he always had a nice girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 "The MM never leaves their wife. How does that explain all the divorces then? Also, if you're a woman past your 30's, wouldn't that mean that just about everyone is already taken?" People get divorced, but the cause of it isn't ALWAYS about an affair, cheating etc... Link to post Share on other sites
Leid Posted November 26, 2005 Share Posted November 26, 2005 good questions.. I don't know how many folks are registered on this site off the bat, but even if we all say the same thing, we'd still make up a VERY tiny percentage of the population, anyway. So statistically speaking, you're right and wrong The divorce rate is high, I think 40% now (someone correct me if I'm wrong). But there are loads of reasons for divorce, an affair being only one of them. I don't know how large a percentage of that 40 percent are b/c of affairs, but from looking at divorces lately, I doubt affairs are a big portion. Besides in years of yore, marriages had sustained affairs. I think it just depends on the two people involved and these days people give up too easily. Our culture makes it OK to call it quits if all of a sudden your partner start farting loudly and you don't like that. Leid Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2005 Share Posted November 26, 2005 Our culture makes it OK to call it quits if all of a sudden your partner start farting loudly and you don't like that. Oh god, if it comes to that ever I think my hubby will leave me! I stink him out of bed on a nightly basis! LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
Milo Posted November 26, 2005 Share Posted November 26, 2005 Oh god, if it comes to that ever I think my hubby will leave me! I stink him out of bed on a nightly basis! LOL! That's what the spare bed is for: particularly gassy eveings. I usually hit the futon in the den. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts