Is my wife cheating? :(

[konakona]

Hey all -- Not sure what kind of advice I'm looking here for..this maybe more of rant or a vent, to get some stuff off of my chest..I dunno...anyways:

 

My wife and I have been happily married for nearly 5 years, and we've known each forever (e.g. went to same high school, dated 7 years before engagement, yadda, yadda). Throughout all this time, I've never had any reason to distrust her. I've never been the jealous type. Either has she. We've both had good friends of the opposite sex and we always respected each other's right to do so. However, recently I've become very suspicious of her and of her friends.

 

So suspicious in fact, that I'm beginning to look through her personal items looking for signs of infidelity. I recently found two examples of this and I don't know exactly what they mean (perhaps I'm in denial?) and not sure how to approach her because I feel bad about going behind her back. Anyway, here's what I found:

 

1 - She uses an old msn email account of mine as hers and instant messages alot with it. One time while logging on to her laptop, the IM automatically logged me in (as her), and she became really, really upset for me being on it (I didn't even realize I was logged in). Anyway, I didn't see the reason for her being upset, because if anyone wrote her anything it's not like I'm going to pretend I'm her or something, so what is she worried about? Then I noticed that she had her "friend" on her buddy list and became suspicious that these two were using IM to communicate behind my back. So I began recording the messages and boom within a day found this exchange:

 

Him: "So who's the unibrow?"

Her: "HA! Wow did it hurt today! Also got a bikini wax."

Him: "NICE!"

Her: "I knew you would like that"

 

Then the conversation drifts into work stuff, but goddamn this concerns me. She's telling her male friend intimate details of her life that she's not sharing with me. And at first I kinda shrugged this off as mild flirting, but the more I think about it, it seems openly sexual. It's slowly eating at me and tearing me apart and I don't know how to approach her.

 

2 - Based on the above account, I began looking through some of her stuff (and god it kills me to have to do this). But anyway, in one of her purses I found a small container of "Nipple Nibbler" that was half empty. Do a google search for "Nipple Nibbler" if you don't know what it is.

 

She's not using this stuff with me. She's never even shown it to me or talked about it so as far as she knows I don't know it exists. I'm clearly in denial with this one thinking that she's using it as like lip gloss or something, but deep down I think I know that's not true, and she's using this stuff with another guy.

 

Is this concrete proof? :(

[LucreziaBorgia]

You've hit only the tip of the iceberg. You will have to accept that she is having an affair. Now you just need to find out the extent of it. Stay calm, and try to act normal. It is of the absolute importance that you don't let on that you know, if you expect to find enough to confront her with. Keep digging - compile and keep everything you find. Get a keylogger and install it. Print out all the emails and IM conversations you see between them. Find out if this guy has a wife or a girlfriend. The more you have, the less she will be able to gaslight you when its confrontation time. She can't very well lie and deny with a pile of concrete evidence in front of her.

 

Once you have everything, then you will want to call the OM's W/GF (whichever) and tell her what you have, and that she needs to watch her back. Then confront your W. Let her know that she has a choice: she either works on the marriage (meaning immediate ZERO contact with this guy) and goes to marriage counseling with you, or you will divorce her. If she isn't willing to work on it, she is willingly destroying it. No need to stay married to someone who is determined to sabotage the relationship.

[Debster]

I don't know if you have enough evidence to jump to the conclusions you are making.

The way she acted with the IM does seem like a red alert.

The convo about her getting her eyebrows waxed and then a bikini waxing, isn't that personal in my opinion.

My friends (granted they are all women) talk about that stuff all the time.

The nipple cream, I looked at it and I could see someone using it as lip gloss. AFter all, women do use cow bag balm as handcream. Maybe I'm naieve as well?

 

These questions are also important:

Has she changed the way she is with you?

Is she more or less physical?

Is she going out more?

 

Anyways, I think install a keylogger and see what happens there.

[lust4life]

Yes, she is having an affair.

 

 

Your gut tells you so, and I know all us woman tell each other to trust our guts.

 

She is acting angry if you see her IM, then she is hiding something, hiding anything in a marriage means deceit.

 

Nipple nibbler means sexual contact. You don't need anymore proof.

 

I wish when I saw redflags someone was able to tell me straight up not to ignore the signs! So, don't ignore the signs, she is having an affair. Don't let her double talk you when you tell her YOU KNOW SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

 

Do not feel guilty about snooping, you have ever right to know what is going on in your own life.

[renee70]

How sad. Have you thought about sitting down to talk with her? Any other problems? Is this all of a sudden?

It's one thing to have friends of the opposite sex but for her to get defensive when you sign on and her e-mail is open, that's not right. I'm not sure what to think about what you found in her purse...I'd ask her about that.

[konakona]

Thanks for the opinions & thoughts all....

 

More background:

 

Recently, over the past...ohh I guess the past 6 or 7 months there seems to have been a rift developing between us. We'd rarely ever fight about anything (and that's been our history since we've known each other)...but it was basically like we became "really good roommates"...and nothing more.

 

So about 2 months ago we started talking about this and she did come out and say that her feelings towards me have begun to change (isn't that a great thing to hear?). So this I guess was the catalyst of my suspicions that she was more than "just friends" with the guy she was having that IM session with that I mentioned in my first post above.

 

I've openly asked her if she is seeing someone else and she flat out tells me "no" and that she would never do anything like that, but I haven't yet presented her with the little bit of evidence that I have. Regardless of her saying she's not cheating on me, nearly all intimacy between us has ceased......and all of this together is driving me nuts.

 

argghhhh.hhhh.....

[LucreziaBorgia]

She will continue to lie and deny, because she wants to protect what she has with that OM. The more you post, the more apparent it is. Huge red flags. She will keep lying and denying. Right to your face - with a straight face and will swear on heaven and earth that nothing is going on. She will continue to do that even when you drop a huge load of evidence in her lap. She will have ready explanations for everything. Be prepared for that. It won't be easy, because you will want so badly to believe her.

 

Does this OM have a W or GF? This other BS will be instrumental in helping you end this affair, and begin the healing process.

[konakona]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

 

 

Does this OM have a W or GF? This other BS will be instrumental in helping you end this affair, and begin the healing process.

 

No..the other guy is unmarried and he sorta has an on-again, off-again relationship with the GF. It think they're currently off now. They first met in my wife's triathalon training group about a year and a half ago....know they work together...

 

Yeah, is I type all of this out, I'm coming to the same dreadful conclusion...I think I just need to air it out.

 

More info:

 

About a week ago, our recent fighting sort of climaxed (damn, horrible pun ) and she packed up a bag and left. I asked where she was going to stay and she just said that she could stay at any number of friends places. I was so upset that she was leaving I couldn't even question any more and just told her to leave.

 

So the next day comes around and I find out that she stayed at this guy's place!!! ARRRGGHHH!! Then I confront her and she still swears nothing is going on, she just stayed in the guest room, blah blah blah.

 

Yeah, bloody hell....I'm in such denial it's pathetic.

 

 

Anyway, we have a counseling appt. later today. Should be interesting.....

[Outcast]

It could be that she's been contemplating having an affair but hasn't gone all the way yet. With luck, she'll be truthful in counseling.

[Michael86]

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds to me like she's definitely having an affair. She's lying right to your face. Like LucreziaBorgia said, gather as much evidence as you need and then blow her and this guy right out of the water.

 

Good Luck.

[jadeblossom]

Sorry to hear all of this.. hope the counselling appt reveals more. It must feel like the worst thing in the world.

[lust4life]

konakona

 

 

What is it you want? Do you want to date your wife again. Then date your wife, try to win her back. The relationship becoming stale is both of your faults if anyone has to take a fault. Her going off to him after an arguement is an excuse to see him. Make a decesion and go for it.

 

Living in limbo sucks!

[Jolene]

So suspicious in fact, that I'm beginning to look through her personal items looking for signs of infidelity. I recently found two examples of this and I don't know exactly what they mean (perhaps I'm in denial?) and not sure how to approach her because I feel bad about going behind her back. Anyway, here's what I found:

 

Let's weigh the severity of the infractions on both sides and see who is the better person at the end of the day?

 

Hmmmm.....did she give you a reason not to trust her? Does it matter now that you have more than one piece of evidence?

 

You are going to be angry with or without a confrontation. Time is what you need, I think. Too many rash decisions are made when the emotions are boiling over.

 

How about doing one of two things:

 

1) Confront her and suggest MC or divorce (sorry, I know that hurts, but it doesn't get much better from here)

2) Ignore it and let her slowly drift away. She will eventually leave the house if the new relationship works out.

 

But whatever you do, don't be a doormat and Mr. Sloppy Seconds in between her relationships. It's almost like serial killing....once you've cheated, it just gets easier and easier.

 

There's not much you can do if she is falling in love with someone else. Most affairs are people at work. Sorry. This is so crappy and I wish people wouldn't commit these crimes of the heart. But seriously, we all know that lame excuse about "the marijuana joint isn't mine cause I was just holding it for a friend", so do you think she was holding the Nipple Nibbler for one of her friends????? Not f*ing likely.

 

Try not to get too angry, and get Individual counselling if you think it will get the better of you. The last thing you want is for her to record a long factum listing your abusive tendancies and behaviours. Be the better person.

[reservoirdog1]

So the next day comes around and I find out that she stayed at this guy's place!!! ARRRGGHHH!! Then I confront her and she still swears nothing is going on, she just stayed in the guest room, blah blah blah.

She is so full of sh*t she stinks.

 

Of course she screwed him. You know she did, though you (understandably) don't want to admit the truth to yourself.

 

I'm tempted to just tell you to divorce her cheating ass. But emotionally, that's easier said than done; that much I know from my own experiences. At the very least, change the locks. Do NOT allow her to come back on her own terms. If she asks to come back, you make her work for it. YOU call the tune. She cuts off all contact with him, goes into counselling with you, and makes herself accountable to you 24/7. One foot wrong, and you divorce her.

[JanieQP]

How did your counseling apt go?

 

My ex's friends once told him I was having an affair (and he laughed at them), so I clicked on this thread hoping to tell you "na, there's no way she's having an affair", but it sounds like you already know in your gut what's going on.

 

The key, like someone else said, is to know what YOU want. And then go for it. Don't listen to her lies.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[New_Wife]

Owie. In addition to marital counseling, may I suggest Individual for you? There is so much dookie flying around you that it's got to be nearly impossible to figure out exactly what you do want/expect. Or, if you have a trusted friend or family member you can make sure to get out with and do things (non sexual, bowling, running, whatever) to keep your mind and body healthy (dopamine is your friend) while this is all going on.

 

I know how hard it is to stay healthy and not fall into a pit of depression when this is going on. Try to take care of yourself.

[foengap]

Next comes new clothes, trips and new luggage. Then berating of you. Join the club, hold on, you are in for a ride you will have little control over. Her true colors are coming out and when this is finished you'll see what you have to work with. Can you live with it? I couldn't.

[downcydeguy]

Man I'm really sorry to hear about this. It appears that this falls under a pretty common occurance with high school sweethearts. My first serious relationship was with a girl in school from the age of 14 till 21. 99% of the time, couples trying to make it after high school get to a point where they grow apart. And although it happens to both parties, it typically happens to the women for the most part. It sounds like you two were more like long time friends who just happened to visit the altar one afternoon. Now, she's starting to feel like she missed out on some things. Unfortunately she will lie to your face with such sincerity that you'll start questioning yourself! I'm currently in a 2 1/2 year relationship with a 21 year old girl (I'm 27) and am going through the same pains all over again. The first breakup was very hard but to be honest with you, I woke up one day realizing that we were kids and needed to explore before settling down. I just didn't learn from my past and fell head over heels in love for a seemingly much more mature younger girl.

 

I hate to say this but seriously, there's no doubt that she's cheating on you. And unfortunately it probably started months ago - shortly after your relationship took a negative turn. You are going to experience a pain like you've never felt before my friend. This cut will run deep and bleed for a very long time. But listen to the people on this site man. I'm new to here and have already received a lot of wonderful information. My honest suggestion is to meet your W in a public, yet quiet place and get everything out. Write everything down before you go. This should be a long, serious, tear-filled conversation letting her know that it's best that you both go your separate ways now. Look her in the eye and tell her you understand why she did what she did and that you're no longer angry about it. Tell her that you hope to someday cross her path and be able to talk to her without feeling the pain anymore. Ask her to pack her things (make sure you hide or lock up the stuff you want to keep!) and don't be there when she does it.

 

You have a very painful ride ahead and I wish you all the luck.