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First Post... I'm the OW


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Hi all,

 

I'm nervous to share my story but here it goes. I am the OW in a relationship with a MM. He's also my co-worker. Thankfully we work out of different offices, in different states but it doesn't stop us from seeing one another.

 

Where do I begin? He's 36, I'm 27. We started working together about a year ago and I instantly had a crush but I didn't act on it knowing he was married. We rarely saw one another but would talk via email or phone often. Always work related. We saw one another last summer three times for work. The third time a lot of alcohol was involved and he got a little handsy at the bar. I freaked out and said to myself "you can't do this." But honestly I was intrigued.

 

Fast forward to me being in his state in the late summer for work. After a work dinner with LOTS of alcohol we ended up having sex. We didn't acknowledge it but when he was in my state for our company Christmas party we had sex again and I was able to ask him lots of questions. This isn't his first affair (he and his wife have been married for 11 years), they "aren't" physical anymore (which I think is a lie), etc.

 

Since then, we talk every day via text and he calls me every single night when he takes the dog for a walk. Then we text again before we both go to sleep. On a whim, I hopped on a plane and spent 12 amazing hours with him last month when his wife was out of town. Yes we were in their house. No we weren't in their bed. He's come up here once more for work and I've gone down there for work once since then. Both times have been great.

 

His wife is gone again next week and today I booked my ticket to go see him for two nights. At their house again. It'll be the longest we've spent together. I worry about getting caught though. His wife is a super powerful woman and she could ruin me and my career if she ever found out. I know she is aware he has been unfaithful in the past because she's always checking in on him.

 

That being said, I don't think I'm to the point where I really care about the consequences. And I know how dangerous that it. I also feel like I'm different than the others posting here because I really don't want MM to leave his wife for me. That's not my intention. I have some **** going on in my life right now and the attention and distraction is what I crave. The sex is amazing too. We have this great physical and emotional relationship going on and that's it. He constantly tells me that I mean more to him than just sex (yes I know this is probably just a line).

 

Anyway, I don't know if I have a question or am looking for advice but that's my story. I think the real reason for me finally posting and reaching out is because next week is kind of scaring me. I'm more excited than worried about getting caught but still. Anyone have anything to say to all this? Thanks for reading.

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You are definitely more than just sex to him, you're also an ego boost, and it sounds like you may be a means of getting even with a wife who no longer adores him. I say this because inviting you to their home is veering perilously close to getting caught, as if he's doing it deliberately. What if someone who knows them turns up at their house? What if his wife came home early for some reason? Because if she checks on him regularly there is a reasonable possibility that she suspects something. She didn't get to be a "super powerful woman" by being stupid or gullible. Do you really want to tangle with a person who could short-circuit your career? By inviting you to their home he's showing you that he's deceitful, has no respect for his wife, (he's actually letting you invade her privacy), and also that he couldn't give a toss if you got caught despite the possible serious ramifications for you.

There are billions of single, available, decent men in the world, so why get involved with one who clearly doesn't care about anyone other than himself? I'd be wondering this, why does he stay in an allegedly sexless marriage with a woman he has no respect for? What does that say about him?

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No judgment here (I'm in no position to judge anyone!), just my take on what you've written -

 

What Ms. Jayne said.

 

Staying in their home is a whole other level of infidelity, begging to get caught. If he just wanted to see you he would see you in a hotel. And if you didn't kind of want to get caught you would refuse to stay in their home.

 

Seems like you both are getting off on the danger. It seems reckless to me. I think you need to seriously consider the lasting consequences of getting caught and not just the momentary excitement of it.

Edited by Finding my way
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CautiouslyOptimistic

Do they have kids?

 

You have no clue where in their home the wife has hidden a voice recorder or even a video recorder. I'd refuse to go to his home if I were you. She knows he's a cheater so she's already on guard. I bet she already is checking his phone records and knows he's on the phone with you every night while walking the dog. This guy is probably not as slick as he thinks he is. She might even be going out of town for the purpose of setting him up.

 

If I were you, I'd want no part of this, regardless of your "emotional connection."

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I appreciate all the replies and advice. I really do.

 

To answer some questions, there's no kids. He says they never wanted them. I have thought about her placing a recording device of some kind in the house or her coming home early. And it terrifies me. Why am I putting myself through this? I don't know. I have a lot to think about.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I appreciate all the replies and advice. I really do.

 

To answer some questions, there's no kids. He says they never wanted them. I have thought about her placing a recording device of some kind in the house or her coming home early. And it terrifies me. Why am I putting myself through this? I don't know. I have a lot to think about.

 

Watch a few episodes of "Snapped" and I bet your mind will be made up.

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I started out like you. Thought I had it under control.

 

I’m a married woman with kids.

There were zero expectations in terms of leaving his wife, in fact we both agreed that upfront. It was a distraction and it filled a void in my marriage. (Since figured out what the void is and working on it).

 

My warning is....you feel like this now but the time will come when you are so sucked in and it will eat away at your mind, your mental health and your ability to lead a normal life. It’s like a cancer that takes over.

 

The scary part is that you don’t get a warning that you’re about to bridge that transition. You just wake up one day and realise you are no longer in control, the addiction is.

 

Your happiness depend on the daily messaging and contact. And it only takes one small slip, one too uncomfortable question from his wife for him to take a break. A day, a week, a month, however long.

 

And during that time you stop living and you are truly experiencing what feels like agony and torture. The withdrawal and the come down takes over your life and ability to function.

 

I suspect you feel strong now because you get guaranteed, predictable daily contact. This won’t always be the case and once it starts becoming less scheduled the shift and loss of control will set in.

 

I wish you well and I’m glad you reached out. This group is a great support, irrespective of where you are in the cycle or in which camp.

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Long term pain for short term gain?

 

Once again it’s Professor Bufo’s homework assignment. Veterans can skip this as it’s a repeat of prior advice

 

Read any 10 randomly selected OW posts involving MM. Keep score on how many end we’ll versus how many do not. If you don’t see a pattern, pick another 10 randomly. Repeat the math.

 

Then tell us if you honestly believe your A or MM is special and will turn out with a fairy tale ending.

 

If BS is powerful enough to adversely impact your career, practice your spiel to some future potential employer about why you left your job suddenly. You should have some free time to practice now between your “dates” with MM.

 

Also practice explaining the gap in employment and romantic involvement to some future suitor. Think that person might question your judgment?

 

D-day will come sooner or later. Are you ready for it?

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I started out like you. Thought I had it under control.

 

I’m a married woman with kids.

There were zero expectations in terms of leaving his wife, in fact we both agreed that upfront. It was a distraction and it filled a void in my marriage. (Since figured out what the void is and working on it).

 

My warning is....you feel like this now but the time will come when you are so sucked in and it will eat away at your mind, your mental health and your ability to lead a normal life. It’s like a cancer that takes over.

 

The scary part is that you don’t get a warning that you’re about to bridge that transition. You just wake up one day and realise you are no longer in control, the addiction is.

 

Your happiness depend on the daily messaging and contact. And it only takes one small slip, one too uncomfortable question from his wife for him to take a break. A day, a week, a month, however long.

 

And during that time you stop living and you are truly experiencing what feels like agony and torture. The withdrawal and the come down takes over your life and ability to function.

 

I suspect you feel strong now because you get guaranteed, predictable daily contact. This won’t always be the case and once it starts becoming less scheduled the shift and loss of control will set in.

 

I wish you well and I’m glad you reached out. This group is a great support, irrespective of where you are in the cycle or in which camp.

 

Wow, you put my feelings into words exactly. It's a terrible feeling. Hindsight is 20/20 and here I am it will be 1 year next week. Right now MM has the flu...i didn't hear from him until about 3 pm today. Up until that time I did nothing but sit around the house . It's like as soon as he texts or calls and i know we are ok for another day , i am alive again. Its really a sad way to live and yet I can't seem to break free from it.

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I started out like you. Thought I had it under control.

 

I’m a married woman with kids.

There were zero expectations in terms of leaving his wife, in fact we both agreed that upfront. It was a distraction and it filled a void in my marriage. (Since figured out what the void is and working on it).

 

My warning is....you feel like this now but the time will come when you are so sucked in and it will eat away at your mind, your mental health and your ability to lead a normal life. It’s like a cancer that takes over.

 

The scary part is that you don’t get a warning that you’re about to bridge that transition. You just wake up one day and realise you are no longer in control, the addiction is.

 

Your happiness depend on the daily messaging and contact. And it only takes one small slip, one too uncomfortable question from his wife for him to take a break. A day, a week, a month, however long.

 

And during that time you stop living and you are truly experiencing what feels like agony and torture. The withdrawal and the come down takes over your life and ability to function.

 

I suspect you feel strong now because you get guaranteed, predictable daily contact. This won’t always be the case and once it starts becoming less scheduled the shift and loss of control will set in.

 

I wish you well and I’m glad you reached out. This group is a great support, irrespective of where you are in the cycle or in which camp.

 

OMG, this right here ... EVERY word is truth. And it is a horrible way to live. Don't live like this.

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justanotheroneofyou

Dude, seriously--if this affair is important (and it sounds like you're going no matter what) demand that he spring for a hotel. I'll skip all the "this is wrong" etc., and let someone else tell you that.

 

Yuck. Why would you want to be in his house? Any comforts within the house are immediately negated by being on eggshells whether you are just sitting around or getting it on. You aren't familiar with the sounds of the house, so you are going to be on edge the whole time. I simply wouldn't do that. If you must have at it, go to a hotel where you are at least somewhat protected in case she does show up and go nuts. I'd be dead afraid that you'd gaze up "lovingly" and she'd be in the doorway.

 

Absolutely avoid that like the plague. Between the both of you, spring for a motel six. You'll be in the sack the whole time anyway.

 

*when me and the first husband separated (and we were completely done--both of us), he packed his bags and left. But, some of his stuff was there. We split on pretty amicable terms. But, there was the long period between informal separation and the divorce (it was completely in the works from the get-go). Still, when my now husband would come over to the place me and the ex shared, I was ALWAYS on pins and needles. It was never comfortable. And, that's not even because it was my house with him. I was afraid of getting caught, even though I wasn't cheating.

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Wow, you put my feelings into words exactly. It's a terrible feeling. Hindsight is 20/20 and here I am it will be 1 year next week. Right now MM has the flu...i didn't hear from him until about 3 pm today. Up until that time I did nothing but sit around the house . It's like as soon as he texts or calls and i know we are ok for another day , i am alive again. Its really a sad way to live and yet I can't seem to break free from it.

 

Wow, a year! It's only really been three months for me and I can't even imagine it going on for an entire year. Famous last words, right? I feel like you and I would have a lot to talk about.

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I started out like you. Thought I had it under control.

 

I’m a married woman with kids.

There were zero expectations in terms of leaving his wife, in fact we both agreed that upfront. It was a distraction and it filled a void in my marriage. (Since figured out what the void is and working on it).

 

My warning is....you feel like this now but the time will come when you are so sucked in and it will eat away at your mind, your mental health and your ability to lead a normal life. It’s like a cancer that takes over.

 

The scary part is that you don’t get a warning that you’re about to bridge that transition. You just wake up one day and realise you are no longer in control, the addiction is.

 

Your happiness depend on the daily messaging and contact. And it only takes one small slip, one too uncomfortable question from his wife for him to take a break. A day, a week, a month, however long.

 

And during that time you stop living and you are truly experiencing what feels like agony and torture. The withdrawal and the come down takes over your life and ability to function.

 

I suspect you feel strong now because you get guaranteed, predictable daily contact. This won’t always be the case and once it starts becoming less scheduled the shift and loss of control will set in.

 

I wish you well and I’m glad you reached out. This group is a great support, irrespective of where you are in the cycle or in which camp.

 

This truly is how it feels.

I could have written these words verbatim, sarahhurts.

A really horrible downfall to this is the suffering in silence.

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Wow, a year! It's only really been three months for me and I can't even imagine it going on for an entire year. Famous last words, right? I feel like you and I would have a lot to talk about.

 

Yes a year...time flies when your having fun. Until itsnnot fun anymore. The last few months have not been fun. I spend the majority of my time waiting. Waiting for his call, waiting for his text, waiting for him to show up hours beyond when he was supposed to show up. Waiting for him to tell me when he can see me next. Wondering ...wondering why he hasn't.called, wondering why he hasn't texted, wondering if today will be the day he ends things. Get out while you can. This is no way to live. It's living life in limbo. The longer it goes on and the more your feelings evolve the worse it gets. Basically it's wasted time. I know there is no future for MM and I and yet I stay in it. From the beginning he mad e it clear he will not leave his family. I would never expect him too. I love him. And things that never bothered me in those early months eat away at me now. Wondering what he's doing when he's home, wondering if he's thinking of me. Wondering if he's being intimate with his W , wondering if he's getting closer to her. Our relationship has recently gone from spending every day together with the exception of Sunday, to only seeing him at work and after work and maybe once on the weekend, because his wife found out . I keep accepting less and less until eventually it will be an occassional crumb...and I know this. It is torture. And it will ruin your self esteem. Right now he is home with bad flu. I want to check on him, take care of him. I can't do that though, he has someone else doing that for him. That hurts. Knowing that if something were to happen to him i can't go see him. I'm a secret. And vice versa, if I were to be sick or worse...he wouldn't be able to be there for me, because of his circumstances. As time goes on, these little things will start to creep into your thought and bring things into perspective. But it doesn't make it any easier to get out. We tried to end it last week. 2 days with NC ...he called me at the end of the 2nd night and I caved.

Edited by Lehcar1012
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OP I think you're already sucked in deep because you say his wife could destroy your career but you don't care about the consequences of getting caught. I can't imagine that you would risk your career for a man you have no attachment to unless perhaps you have a habit of sabatoging your life with poor choices.

 

It's nuts to stay in their marital home. Tell him you want a hotel room. What is wrong with this guy? He disrespects his wife so much that he allows another woman to invade her house but he stays with her. What does that say about him?

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somanymistakes

OP, you're enjoying the excitement. So is he.

 

The problem is, when you're getting off on the danger, it's extremely likely that the danger will continue to ramp up until a disaster occurs. Because it will always be more thrilling to take it just a little further.

 

This guy has been on this ride before, and he's been CAUGHT before. It's entirely possible that he enjoys the part where his wife catches him and gives him hell. He may even enjoy watching her ruin your life as it could give him a power trip, knowing that you intentionally walked into this because he's so sexy.

 

So before you go through with this I would suggest sitting down and thinking about it in detail.

 

What will you do if his wife comes home while you're there? What would you say to her? What do you think she'd say to you?

 

How will you handle the career consequences if she finds out in any way? What do you think she'll do to try and ruin your life? What would become of you? Would your friends and family be on your side, do you think? How will this interact with the other complicated life problems you have going on?

 

Are there other ways you could get your fix? Like, for example, as a single woman if you go to a local swingers club you can probably get in free and everyone in t he whole darn place will fall over themselves trying to talk you into a threesome. And you can turn them all down. Easy naughty power trip.

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GollumsNightmare

I am the wife that walked in on her H with the OW in bed. I could share with you the trauma that happened to all of us if you would like to hear it. This is serious stuff.

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Yes, wife and MM are having sex. If wife is powerful and smart (like you say) then this a trap. You’re going to experience unbearable pain if you go see him.

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IfWishesWereHorses

Make him get a hotel room. Playing house in her home is absolutely wrong. That's enough to put anyone over the edge. If he wants to be with you he'll get a room!

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Your hormones are overruling your head. Why would you risk your career for a guy? And not even a guy who is willing to be a standup guy who earns your trust and appreciation? But a guy who wants to have you stay at his house - super cheap for him, by the way - with the risk that his wife will catch you?

 

You need to snap out of this fog and protect yourself. This is a crazy risk. Do you have a really good girlfriend or family member who you can share this with? Someone who helps ground you? I would urge you to talk to someone in real life before you do this.

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Thread

*Affair partner physically thrashed my husband and had a physical fight with my sons*

^^^^^^^^

OP I think you should read this thread by sophisticatedlady, maybe you’ll think twice about what your getting yourself into.

Good luck to you

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