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How to disengage when the MM was a family friend


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Old 28th January 2018, 10:18 AM   #1
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How to disengage when the MM was a family friend

MM and I have broken up after a 6 year work place affair. Hereís the kicker though... our families are all very close, kids are best friends, all of our social activities involve his family. What do I do? My husband always kind of suspected something going on but never confronted him only me. I denied it. Anyways.. I feel like we really need to start fresh and disassociate with his family. How do I do that? Almost every weekend we have social plans with them and vacations etc.. itís a mess.
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Old 28th January 2018, 10:22 AM   #2
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Unless you plan to continue to lie to your Husband...you need to tell him the truth....if you decide not to tell...how can you consider any restart "fresh" that is built on a betrayal and a lie?
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Old 28th January 2018, 10:27 AM   #3
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Telling my hoskand is not an option. It will blow up MMS life and many others. Whatís done is done. I will always have feelings for MM but we are both at a place where we are moving on.
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Old 28th January 2018, 10:58 AM   #4
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can you move? I think that's the only way out
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:01 PM   #5
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If you truly want to start fresh, and telling your H is not an option, then yes, you will have to move. Especially after the way this MM treated you during those 6 years, and you allowing it...it was hard enough you for you not to engage at work, how is it going to be different at home? Especially when you say "I will always have feelings for MM but we are both at a place where we are moving on."

There are consequences to actions. You chose to engage with this MM despite him being a coworker and despite him also being the parent of your kids' best friends. So if you want to disengage completely then you will have to make drastic changes that will affect your family. No two ways about it.

Looking for an easy way out of this "mess"...unfortunately there isn't one.
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:21 PM   #6
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Oh boy... I wondered how your saga was going to play out.

Well, if you can't tell your husband, I say buck up butter cup.

You were able to keep your love affair a secret during all those vacations, BBQs shared life intermingling your families - well, then keep your discontent and feelings about the break up a secret as well.

Got to pay to play right? If smothering your emotions (which you were able to keep from display when you two were banging right?) is the only consequence you have to pay, then its a tiny one.

I say play the charade. You can't get a fresh start here because its convenient for YOU. You don't get to blow up everyone's lives now, because this part is uncomfortable, rather than sex and fun like you had in the past.

Choices? Suffer in silence (and make sure to keep your mood up! Hubby and kids should NOT suffer for this), or fess up, and everyone gets to pay the price for the bad behavior of you and the MM.
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Old 29th January 2018, 2:14 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Savannah2 View Post
Telling my hoskand is not an option. It will blow up MMS life and many others. Whatís done is done. I will always have feelings for MM but we are both at a place where we are moving on.
If this really is your primary motivation for not telling the truth, then I fear you have bigger fish to fry than disentangling your families. It seems MM has your heart, and if that is the case, why are you bothered about continuing the charade with your husband? Whether you tell him the truth or not, wouldn't it be better for you to leave him so he can find someone who loves him, and for you to find someone you love (whether it be MM or someone else)? Life is too short for pretending.

I really can't see a way you can disentangle from MM and his family without telling the truth. Surely your husband will have questions, especially if he ever suspected anything in the past. Cutting people out from your life for no discernible reason will raise giant red flags. The same applies for your kids. They are less likely to accept BS excuses as to why they can't see their friends anymore, and depending on their age, will likely press the issue leaving it no chance to just recede into the background. The issue will always be there until it is dealt with. Good luck.
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Old 29th January 2018, 4:13 PM   #8
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Telling my husband is not an option.

Well you play the game and you get burnt. You're asking a forum how to, as you call it disengage, then when told the answer you say it's not an option.

So now you have to do something sneaky to "disengage" or you'll just have to suck it up and fake everything with this constant remainder of what you did hanging over your head. Also the real possibility of falling back into the affair.

Enjoy.
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Old 29th January 2018, 4:38 PM   #9
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Lot of harsh replies in this thread. I’ve been in a similar situation. I don’t believe you need to move. If the relationship really is over, things will get easier over. If you really don’t want your husband to know, totally disengaging will look extremely suspicious. I would recommend slowly scaling back, and letting time heal some wounds.
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Old 29th January 2018, 4:40 PM   #10
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Maybe I missed information you posted, but based on what I've read from you so far-
This is merely a break. A gap of sorts in this ongoing affair. Continuing close relations with MM and his family practically guarantee that sooner or later, the pair of you will resume the affair.
So, I have some questions for you.
Who ended the affair and why?
In an ideal world, what would be your ideal outcome?
Are you interested in staying in your marriage?
Is there any closeness at all between you and your spouse?
I ask because I find it hard to believe that hiding a 6 year affair is possible when there is any closeness, fondness and attachment between spouses.
You ask how to disengage, but imo you are facing a much broader question. What is it you want out of life?
Not telling your husband because you want to protect MM might harm you in the ling run.
Mind you, I am not judging you. I have come to learn that it is possible to love more than one person.
I am saying that you need to make your decision based o your interests, not his. He will be looking out for himself, count on it.
Technically, I am sure you can disengage if you really want to.
Friendships change and fade out, especially those based on the children being friends.
I just don't believe that this is truly the issue.
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Old 29th January 2018, 4:57 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
Oh boy... I wondered how your saga was going to play out.

Well, if you can't tell your husband, I say buck up butter cup.

You were able to keep your love affair a secret during all those vacations, BBQs shared life intermingling your families - well, then keep your discontent and feelings about the break up a secret as well.

Got to pay to play right? If smothering your emotions (which you were able to keep from display when you two were banging right?) is the only consequence you have to pay, then its a tiny one.

I say play the charade. You can't get a fresh start here because its convenient for YOU. You don't get to blow up everyone's lives now, because this part is uncomfortable, rather than sex and fun like you had in the past.

Choices? Suffer in silence (and make sure to keep your mood up! Hubby and kids should NOT suffer for this), or fess up, and everyone gets to pay the price for the bad behavior of you and the MM.
The thing is, she hasn't been able to keep it secret, her husband knows and confronted her. So her family is already suffering from her affair. Her REAL motivation is fear that confession would actually be the death blow to the affair which is still her number one priority.
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Old 29th January 2018, 5:07 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Savannah2 View Post
MM and I have broken up after a 6 year work place affair. Hereís the kicker though... our families are all very close, kids are best friends, all of our social activities involve his family. What do I do? My husband always kind of suspected something going on but never confronted him only me. I denied it. Anyways.. I feel like we really need to start fresh and disassociate with his family. How do I do that? Almost every weekend we have social plans with them and vacations etc.. itís a mess.
I'd say you both bare the burden of disengaging. If you want it to end without telling your spouses the truth, then put your foot down.

Tell the MM it's over, no further contact. It's his burden to figure out his wife and kids not coming around, as it is your burden with your family.
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Old 29th January 2018, 10:38 PM   #13
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If you truly want the affair to be over you have to go NC
with the OM.

How you do that is all on you. Find a new job on the
other side of the country for a start.

Though for you to stop banging the OM you still having
contact with the OM is still you having an affair with the OM.

To continue your family and BH to socializing with the OM is you
still rubbing the affair with the OM in your BH's face.

You letting your BH believe that you did not cheat with the OM
is you continuing to lie to your BH that you did not have an
affair with the OM after your BH asked you.

You need to confess to your BH, leave that job, move your family
far away. You danced now it is time for you to pay the band.
Now is not the time to complain about how much it the band is
costing you now.

It is call consequences. Please do not let your BH continue to live
his life based on your lies.
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Old 29th January 2018, 11:55 PM   #14
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Well, considering that it's too late to go back and make a different decision, not to have an affair with a close family friend who is in your life on a daily basis... Your options are simply; tell your husband, move, or deal with it.

Every decision has it's consequence. As my dear mother would tell us when we were children, "when you play, you pay." You are now having to deal with the consequence of your decision. Good luck.

Last edited by BaileyB; 29th January 2018 at 11:57 PM..
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Old 30th January 2018, 1:28 AM   #15
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So you lied when your H suspected an affair...?

You want to know how to disengaged?

Tell your husband you've been having an affair with this MM for 6 years! Tell him he was right when he suspected.

THAT is how you end an affair when you REALLY want it to end!!

Stop playing your husband for a fool. Get honest!
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