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Unexpected D-Day


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Some of you will remember me and some of you will not. I expect this forum has moved on very much since I was last here.

 

I ended an affair around 18 months ago and went no contact. Soon afterwards I had a bereavement and xMM found a way to get in touch, thanked him for his concern, moved on NC again.

 

Some time later a friend threatened to expose us, nothing came of it. I continued my life, trying to heal from basically a 2 year affair (emotional at first, then everything).

 

Was doing okay, Christmas comes and goes and then I get a call, out of the blue, a number I don't recognise.

 

It's xMM's wife.

 

She asked me lots of questions, didn't disclose how she came by my numbers, but was otherwise calm and (frankly) really nice about it.

 

Since then I have been absolutely spiralling. It's like a rush of memories and guilt and all of the things I had put to bed. I have no idea what I'm doing or what planet I am on.

 

I believe he has chosen to stay with him (none of my business) but am under the impression that he did not tell her, she got the information from elsewhere.

 

Anyway, I'm emotionally strung out right now and I want to give him hell and I've had no contact for so long so I just need to type this here and not to him,

 

I think they say that the affair always gets exposed. Guess it's true.

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Yes they do...eventually...

 

I forget if you are married or not.

 

But if not, then just stay NC and continue to heal.

 

If you are married, then that is really a bad deal. You are going to have to either wait to be exposed, or confess.

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There was also a dday long after my A ended. I had ended the A when we started working together, but I think xMM didn’t want to end it. I think he got careless and I think that’s how his BW found out. It led to him losing his job and leaving the country so a pretty big deal for him. I got a better job and moved on, there were no consequences for me. If you’ve moved on emotionally just ignore it. It’s his problem not yours.

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BH here,

 

My wife had 3 affairs, I was gas lighted for 2 of them and the 3rd affair I finally could not deny and dug and found the evidence I needed to convince me of what I alread really knew... I know this is cryptic ;)

 

My wayward wife's first affair was early in our marriage and lasted only a few months and was over a great distance. But I called his wife and informed her. After about 10 years of no contact the truth came out. To say the least I am sure now he is shocked that it would have come out.

 

Long story short, affairs don't have an expiration date. I suspect your xMM had moved on to another affair and was caught and the betrayed wife started digging into everything.... Because she is spiraling in lies from him.

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BH here,

 

My wife had 3 affairs, I was gas lighted for 2 of them and the 3rd affair I finally could not deny and dug and found the evidence I needed to convince me of what I alread really knew... I know this is cryptic ;)

 

My wayward wife's first affair was early in our marriage and lasted only a few months and was over a great distance. But I called his wife and informed her. After about 10 years of no contact the truth came out. To say the least I am sure now he is shocked that it would have come out.

 

Long story short, affairs don't have an expiration date. I suspect your xMM had moved on to another affair and was caught and the betrayed wife started digging into everything.... Because she is spiraling in lies from him.

 

That is amazing. An exposure after 10 years.

How did the truth eventually come out?

 

My A was about 9 years and to my knowledge nobody but he and I knew. We lived a long way from each other and knew nobody in common. I am single and he is the married AP.

 

Poppy

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Why do you want to give him hell? You knew he was married... so take responsibility.

 

Got used to people like you when I was here before.

 

Because if he'd had the guts to tell her when I ended it nearly two years ago, like someone with at least a segment of their emotional compass left, nether one of us would be blind sided by this.

 

So kindly take your nastiness somewhere else. I'm not interested in it.

 

I came on here bexause I've done the right thing. Got out. Left him alone. Moved on.

 

At not stage have I said I didn't accept responsibility for my part but I never made a commitment to her.

 

Everyone else, thank you for your comments and explanations. I used this forum to prevent me from going Back after NC and it was a great help.

 

There are always a few that seem to feel they need to throw a kick or boot him. Self righteousness helps no one as far as I'm concerned.

 

No, I'm not married. I left my husband when I realised I'd entered into an EA with xMM and that meant that I did not love him anymore.

 

I am incapable of loving more than one person. That's just the way I am. If I loved or had strong feelings for xMM then it was clear to me I no longer loves my husband (although, in hindsight, it should have been clearer sooner)

 

Been divorced for a while now and if anything good cane out of my affair it was that it was catalyst for me getting out of that.

 

Genuine thanks to everyone else for their comments

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Got used to people like you when I was here before.

 

Because if he'd had the guts to tell her when I ended it nearly two years ago, like someone with at least a segment of their emotional compass left, nether one of us would be blind sided by this.

 

So kindly take your nastiness somewhere else. I'm not interested in it.

 

I came on here bexause I've done the right thing. Got out. Left him alone. Moved on.

 

At not stage have I said I didn't accept responsibility for my part but I never made a commitment to her.

 

Everyone else, thank you for your comments and explanations. I used this forum to prevent me from going Back after NC and it was a great help.

 

There are always a few that seem to feel they need to throw a kick or boot him. Self righteousness helps no one as far as I'm concerned.

 

No, I'm not married. I left my husband when I realised I'd entered into an EA with xMM and that meant that I did not love him anymore.

 

I am incapable of loving more than one person. That's just the way I am. If I loved or had strong feelings for xMM then it was clear to me I no longer loves my husband (although, in hindsight, it should have been clearer sooner)

 

Been divorced for a while now and if anything good cane out of my affair it was that it was catalyst for me getting out of that.

 

Genuine thanks to everyone else for their comments

 

Please don't feel that way...

 

The thing to realize is that, you had sense enough to get out of the affair.

 

Your xMM is no different than most other MM. They are players.

 

He was never going to tell his wife. The thing is that it is best to understand that most people in affairs (MM esp) are just really not great people or they are at least not at a good place in life.

 

It is kind of silly 1) to care what he did or did not do in regards to telling his wife, and 2) to expect him to tell her in the first place.

 

And yes, some of us are quite blunt. Fact is that after most people with thin skins get over that, it can actually help a lot of the people that come here.

 

And like most have said, don't contact him and continue to forget about him...

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That is amazing. An exposure after 10 years.

How did the truth eventually come out?

 

My A was about 9 years and to my knowledge nobody but he and I knew. We lived a long way from each other and knew nobody in common. I am single and he is the married AP.

 

Poppy

 

After I caught my WW on her 3rd affair. I began to question the other 2 times that I had suspected she was a little too close to her other APs (just friends).

 

The 1st AP being almost 10 years prior and with NC or evidence she stuck to the original nothing happened and your over reacting act. But since I knew she was that type of person to cheat on me and I could no longer push it away and deny it or make excuses for her I began to push and finally said a condition to staying married was passing a polygraph.

 

Day of the polygraph she came clean with it all. I struggled at first with calling since it was so long ago and I knew I was going to blow up her world but she deserved to know the truth. As his wife had originally suspected the affair and finally had the confirmation of a lot of things.

 

If you look back AP#1 you can see just how much her affair even though I did not catch it affected me and drove a wedge between us as a couple. Subtle but there. It rotted away so much. Such destruction for all.

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After I caught my WW on her 3rd affair. I began to question the other 2 times that I had suspected she was a little too close to her other APs (just friends).

 

The 1st AP being almost 10 years prior and with NC or evidence she stuck to the original nothing happened and your over reacting act. But since I knew she was that type of person to cheat on me and I could no longer push it away and deny it or make excuses for her I began to push and finally said a condition to staying married was passing a polygraph.

 

Day of the polygraph she came clean with it all. I struggled at first with calling since it was so long ago and I knew I was going to blow up her world but she deserved to know the truth. As his wife had originally suspected the affair and finally had the confirmation of a lot of things.

 

If you look back AP#1 you can see just how much her affair even though I did not catch it affected me and drove a wedge between us as a couple. Subtle but there. It rotted away so much. Such destruction for all.

 

I gotta know, did you stay with her? And if you did, WHY????

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Please don't feel that way...

 

The thing to realize is that, you had sense enough to get out of the affair.

 

Your xMM is no different than most other MM. They are players.

 

He was never going to tell his wife. The thing is that it is best to understand that most people in affairs (MM esp) are just really not great people or they are at least not at a good place in life.

 

It is kind of silly 1) to care what he did or did not do in regards to telling his wife, and 2) to expect him to tell her in the first place.

 

And yes, some of us are quite blunt. Fact is that after most people with thin skins get over that, it can actually help a lot of the people that come here.

 

And like most have said, don't contact him and continue to forget about him...

 

I think there is quite a difference between blunt and downright unpleasant.

 

I won't contact him, that's why I am on here.

 

It's not all that silly when you get a call while you're at work from the wife asking about something that you have basically got through and let go of some time ago.

 

It's also not silly that I am angry with him. In affairs there are a lot of victims.

 

I did counselling after the affair and it helped me to understand just how predatory he was with me. I was young, naive and recently badly bereaved. I had been through a lot and he knew that, that my marriage was a mess and he captialised on that.

 

He loved me in his own weird way and I him, but thats a weird unreal thing that shimmers around it.

 

I get all of that.

 

His BS is the victim but in this, I was one too. I don't claim to have anywhere near the right to feel as bad as his wife, not even close, but the whole breaking down of my mental health (in therapy) at the time he met me was disturbing and sickening.

 

His wife called and I was honest. I have now also blocked her.

 

As I say, blunt is fine. Nasty is not.

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BarbedFenceRider

There is a thread somewhere else that I read, while getting into all of this that struck a chord with me.

 

This poor BH found out by happenstance about an affair that took place something like 17 years prior in the marriage. The affair was like 11 years or something. SO...Basically the WHOLE marriage was a sham.

 

The AP suddenly died along with the whole family...The WW grieved and went to counseling for grief management. Seriously. Then the affair was taken down and the therapist told the WW to bury it. And she did...For like 7 good years. She became the model wife and moved right along...Until, the leftovers showed up for poor BH. Some random naked pic or email..I don't remember. But it finally went on blast and the BH kicked her out and got a divorce. He is completely shattered and not healed at all. Because, the way he saw it...The whole marriage was a lie, and he was cucked into being the financial backbone and provider for her demented life. He could not come back from that....

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FoundMyStrength
He loved me in his own weird way and I him, but thats a weird unreal thing that shimmers around it.

 

........................

 

His wife called and I was honest. I have now also blocked her.

 

As I say, blunt is fine. Nasty is not.

 

First, this is the best way I've heard yet to describe the feelings present in an affair. Love shrouded in shimmery weird unrealness. I'd add that it feels real when you're in the shimmery bubble, and is so clearly off when you're finally out.

 

My xMM did not tell his wife, although she is (from all accounts) a smart woman who no doubt had suspicions about why her husband was abroad, contacting her less and less, spending time nonstop with me in person and online, and dangerously doing so while visiting their mutual friends. In retrospect, I[m convinced the man was a reckless loose cannon who WANTED to blow up his marriage. And I suspect one day they'll have another bad period, he'll wander again, and I'll get this call.

 

If I do, I think I'll take immokk's advice. Admit all and let all three of us move on to whereever that takes us. But without either of them in my life.

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I gotta know, did you stay with her? And if you did, WHY????

 

Yes. Though at first during the post d day lies I was prepping to leave her. All I could see was lies and manipulations. Upon her confession prior to the polygraph session I saw something I never saw before. Vulnerability. And letting go of the outcome.

 

She finally started to realize it wasn't just a bad decision but a terrible way to live. She became a better person. Authentic and honest.

 

I stayed. She is a different person. Living, feeling, making her own choices. Not the same girl I married but better. But it started with airing it all out, etc..

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I asked a reasonable question and stated a fact and I'm supposedly nasty...I don't think so.

 

I asked why you wanted to give him hell when you knew he was married.

 

Your expectations of him telling the truth don't quite align with the character of a cheater .... They quite understandably don't want a dday.

 

Why would he want to expose himself having an affair if he didn't think he had to? and risk all the hell that comes with it. Its quite a frightening thing to do you know...telling your wife you've been cheating.

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Some of you will remember me and some of you will not. I expect this forum has moved on very much since I was last here.

 

I ended an affair around 18 months ago and went no contact. Soon afterwards I had a bereavement and xMM found a way to get in touch, thanked him for his concern, moved on NC again.

 

Some time later a friend threatened to expose us, nothing came of it. I continued my life, trying to heal from basically a 2 year affair (emotional at first, then everything).

 

Was doing okay, Christmas comes and goes and then I get a call, out of the blue, a number I don't recognise.

 

It's xMM's wife.

 

She asked me lots of questions, didn't disclose how she came by my numbers, but was otherwise calm and (frankly) really nice about it.

 

Since then I have been absolutely spiralling. It's like a rush of memories and guilt and all of the things I had put to bed. I have no idea what I'm doing or what planet I am on.

 

I believe he has chosen to stay with him (none of my business) but am under the impression that he did not tell her, she got the information from elsewhere.

 

Anyway, I'm emotionally strung out right now and I want to give him hell and I've had no contact for so long so I just need to type this here and not to him,

 

I think they say that the affair always gets exposed. Guess it's true.

 

If you answered her questions honestly and took responsibility for your part in the affair, there's not much else you can, or really even should, do for her.

 

For now, focus on yourself. I expect it threw you for a loop, but was part of your sort of half expecting that something like this could happen? If so, try viewing this as painful, but necessary. You can remove the last possible vestige of the affair and completely move forward.

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BH here,

 

My wife had 3 affairs, I was gas lighted for 2 of them and the 3rd affair I finally could not deny and dug and found the evidence I needed to convince me of what I alread really knew... I know this is cryptic ;)

 

Hi sorry, what do you mean by gas lighted? Did you ignore the affair and let is slide?

 

Sorry, I am currently dealing with a similar situation I think but haven't done D Day yet.

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I think there is quite a difference between blunt and downright unpleasant.

 

I won't contact him, that's why I am on here.

 

It's not all that silly when you get a call while you're at work from the wife asking about something that you have basically got through and let go of some time ago.

 

It's also not silly that I am angry with him. In affairs there are a lot of victims.

 

I did counselling after the affair and it helped me to understand just how predatory he was with me. I was young, naive and recently badly bereaved. I had been through a lot and he knew that, that my marriage was a mess and he captialised on that.

 

He loved me in his own weird way and I him, but thats a weird unreal thing that shimmers around it.

 

I get all of that.

 

His BS is the victim but in this, I was one too. I don't claim to have anywhere near the right to feel as bad as his wife, not even close, but the whole breaking down of my mental health (in therapy) at the time he met me was disturbing and sickening.

 

His wife called and I was honest. I have now also blocked her.

 

As I say, blunt is fine. Nasty is not.

 

This is the redeeming part of this A. I hope you find your peace. Have you owned your part in the A as well? You claim to be a victim too, but you went into this knowing what the outcome could be right? I think that is why Sandylee1 made the comment she did.

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Hi sorry, what do you mean by gas lighted? Did you ignore the affair and let is slide?

 

Sorry, I am currently dealing with a similar situation I think but haven't done D Day yet.

 

Short answer is. AP#1 I was told by someone they were close but when I confronted her she of course lied and said nothing was inappropriate and I was over thinking it. He was just a close friend and a good family man. So I turned on myself started telling myself stop being so jealous etc. I began to believe I was the problem so I gave her more space and dismissed the obvious signs. I was the crazy jealous husband I believed.. I began to have self worth self esteem problems.

 

Hope this helped

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Short answer is. AP#1 I was told by someone they were close but when I confronted her she of course lied and said nothing was inappropriate and I was over thinking it. He was just a close friend and a good family man. So I turned on myself started telling myself stop being so jealous etc. I began to believe I was the problem so I gave her more space and dismissed the obvious signs. I was the crazy jealous husband I believed.. I began to have self worth self esteem problems.

 

Hope this helped

 

Yes. Now I understand. Thats a hard one. How do you approach a suspicion and not come across as an over bearing controlling jealous husband in the process. It's hard to demand to someone that they can't have friends.

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Yes. Now I understand. Thats a hard one. How do you approach a suspicion and not come across as an over bearing controlling jealous husband in the process. It's hard to demand to someone that they can't have friends.

 

Ask yourself do you really need proof or confirmation there is a problem in your marriage? Or are you avoiding the issue. Stop think and observe it will be very clear what is going on when you look.

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Grapesofwrath

This would be one of my worst nightmares. I ended the A with xMM nearly 2 years ago. I moved on and went to therapy to understand my role in the A. He periodically tries to reach out to me, and I ignore it. I find it insulting that he thinks I would want to be "friends" now. But some of what you all describe could transpire here, too, and that is a terrible feeling.

 

OP: Stay NC. Absolutely do not budge from that stance. I think you did the right thing to answer her questions honestly, and she deserved the truth. Blocking is necessary now so you are not dragged into what happens between them. You did what you did in having the A, and you are taking responsibility for that. It's best to create distance now and stay on course with you goals.

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