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Recovery--"work" in progress


sunrise_sunset

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sunrise_sunset

I've been following threads for a while where co-workers have gotten themselves into these messy As. My own office-related A lasted two years, with more than one attempt at LC/NC -- instigated by me. We are both married with children. When it started back in late 2015, I have to admit I'd had a huge crush on him for a good year prior to THAT. I was so happy to just enjoy my crush, to get a little thrill of seeing him now and again. I guess he could sense it for a while and basically just tossed the idea of us getting together out there to see if it would stick...and boy, did it ever.

 

After two years of ups and downs-- way more downs than ups -- I pulled the plug 11 days ago, basically just saying I could not do this anymore. He had been happy with random contact when it was convenient for him. I wanted way more, in turns out...and I did NOT in the beginning. It has all the classic symptoms of your run-of-the-mill, boring affair, where the woman falls harder than the man, she grasps at anything he'll give her, and her world is completely turned upside down when it all amounts to s*&t. I'm literally a shell of my former self these days. My own marriage has never been strong -- my own H cheated for years, and we agreed to stay together for the kids. Just no physical spark. So I was ripe for an A when it did happen, I just never actually EXPECTED IT TO HAPPEN.

 

 

Anyway, that all aside (I've posted with other details prior to this), I'm now coming out of the fog. Wow. This is the longest we've gone, as we are co-workers (not in the same division, thankfully -- but we see each other pretty often, for very short periods of time). We were in LC early last week, and we haven't spoken or seen each other since Thursday. But you know what? I actually haven't cried once during this go-around. I sent a sad msg to end it all, and he never responded. LC literally just consists of us just saying quiet, respectful "hello's" in the hallway if we pass. I feel empty. Totally empty. Does that last? Will that stick?

 

 

I actually think he is honoring my request to not reach out, which makes me realize he really would have been the best MM ever -- IF I'd been ok with the whole situation (strong attraction, random meet-ups, good acquaintances, etc). I sometimes wish I COULD have been ok with this. But I now know that I wasn't special, and it's quite possible he has moved on to another already. But the silver lining in all this mess is that it's making me see that I need to look at the bigger picture now. What do I want? What does my H want? I've been ok with our situation for so many years, but 2018 looks to bring some big changes. Especially as I continue to look for a new job.

 

 

People -- it is excruciating trying to deal with LC when you're coming out of the A. I'd give anything to not see him for a good, long time -- like EVER, for example. Not seeing him this past week has really lifted my spirits, as I was so completely distraught over the holiday period. This is actually ending. I can't believe it! Do you have any idea how good it feels to not be attached to my phone? Or waiting/hoping for a call or text? We have no social media connection, thankfully. Just the damn phones. Which we use for professional and personal purposes. Blah. I'm out of the office for the next week and am so anxious for that separation.

 

 

 

I don't even think I have a question for you all. I'm at work, and instead of roaming the halls looking for him, I'm in my office posting here. It's safe. So, to those of you who cannot achieve NC because of your proximity to xMM (colleague, boss, neighbor, friend of family, etc), I wish you all the luck in the world. I keep trying not to think of this as forever (as one other recent poster mentioned in another thread) -- it's just day-by-day. Trying.

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Don't second guess yourself or start to self blame. Most of us probably would have wanted the same thing as you and there is no switch to turn those feelings off. We are here for you my friend...

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Day by day and trying is playing games.

 

You either do it forever, or it just won't stick.

 

Poppy

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After two years of ups and downs-- way more downs than ups -- I pulled the plug 11 days ago, basically just saying I could not do this anymore. He had been happy with random contact when it was convenient for him. I wanted way more, in turns out...and I did NOT in the beginning. It has all the classic symptoms of your run-of-the-mill, boring affair, where the woman falls harder than the man, she grasps at anything he'll give her, and her world is completely turned upside down when it all amounts to s*&t. I'm literally a shell of my former self these days. My own marriage has never been strong -- my own H cheated for years, and we agreed to stay together for the kids. Just no physical spark. So I was ripe for an A when it did happen, I just never actually EXPECTED IT TO HAPPEN.

 

 

I actually think he is honoring my request to not reach out, which makes me realize he really would have been the best MM ever -- IF I'd been ok with the whole situation (strong attraction, random meet-ups, good acquaintances, etc). I sometimes wish I COULD have been ok with this. But I now know that I wasn't special, and it's quite possible he has moved on to another already. But the silver lining in all this mess is that it's making me see that I need to look at the bigger picture now. What do I want? What does my H want? I've been ok with our situation for so many years, but 2018 looks to bring some big changes. Especially as I continue to look for a new job.

 

 

Proud of your progress sunrise_sunset! It is strange to come out of the fog... I'm not sure if it's not having that protective wrap of chemicals that makes it seem so different out in the 'real world' but suddenly your perspective becomes much clearer.

 

Bolded about being the best MM ever... be wary of those thoughts. I've thought similar but is that really true? Is he always available to you and showering you with gifts on your birthday and holidays? Taking you on nice weekends away? Again the reminder: he is getting from you no strings attached sex. Of course he's wonderful when he graces you with his presence - because what guy won't be for NSA sex?

 

Glad you're asking the really big important questions - what do you want and what does your husband want...

 

When I'm feeling bad, a thought that used to make me hideously jealous that now just makes me shrug (okay maybe a little jealous still ;) ) is that... he can do this with someone else. Someone else can accept the crumbs. When I really do feel like falling back, I remind myself that he says it was different, he says we were special, but feels like he's done this before.

 

And another flippant thought that is nonetheless helpful; I feel that MM is interested in the thrill of the chase. Therefore, I am always more attractive when he hasn't caught me. So it's kind of childish (or teenager-ish) but I recognize that the instant I give in, I become less attractive to him (kind of like his wife, without the added benefits of living with him) and that gives me some extra resolve when I feel like caving. It's feeling like you have the upper hand for once. Until you give in.. then you have nothing but shame guilt and regret...

 

Good luck. Work situations might be the worst. Which is why we are supposed to know better. Ha...

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sunrise_sunset

Believe me, Poppy. I plan on forever, but when I think of it being done in those terms, the first thing I want to do is reach out to him and say, "I can't do this! I have to see you." Instead, if I think -- ok let's just get through TODAY -- I'll be one day further into the recovery, the distance, the feelings of longing/sadness. I made it to this morning with no call, no text. Sounds so silly, but going from all that communication to the extreme opposite is a shock to the soul. It's exactly what needs to happen.

 

Bourne, I can't believe I let my mind sometimes actually go there (idealizing the perfect MM). I really did try, the last two go-arounds, to say, ok maybe I can do this. Maybe it's all right to be on HIS terms and just take whatever I can get. It's better than nothing, right? Wrong. You know what's worse? The hope. The wait. Then the feelings of self-doubt, jealousy (two characteristics that had never defined me prior to this)...they eat away. That's worse than nothing.

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Believe me, Poppy. I plan on forever, but when I think of it being done in those terms, the first thing I want to do is reach out to him and say, "I can't do this! I have to see you." Instead, if I think -- ok let's just get through TODAY -- I'll be one day further into the recovery, the distance, the feelings of longing/sadness. I made it to this morning with no call, no text. Sounds so silly, but going from all that communication to the extreme opposite is a shock to the soul. It's exactly what needs to happen.

 

Bourne, I can't believe I let my mind sometimes actually go there (idealizing the perfect MM). I really did try, the last two go-arounds, to say, ok maybe I can do this. Maybe it's all right to be on HIS terms and just take whatever I can get. It's better than nothing, right? Wrong. You know what's worse? The hope. The wait. Then the feelings of self-doubt, jealousy (two characteristics that had never defined me prior to this)...they eat away. That's worse than nothing.

 

I agree with you that it's necessary to take it one day at a time in the beginning until you get to that point where you can say who cares if I never talk to him again? He was a stupid jerk full of lies and word salads anyway.

 

Like you I had pretty much convinced myself that I could do it, that it would be so much easier to just give in and give him what he wanted. He even told me something along the lines of "don't expect too much and you'll be happier" (mind****). The last time we were together I was ready to give up and give in. The next day I found out he'd gone out with someone else. I knew then that I had to end it and never go back.

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Believe me, the fog will disperse far more quickly if you go complete NC.

 

LC is dragging out the agony, while providing an opportunity to go back.

 

YOu can't give up any addiction by indulging occasionally. This is no different.

 

Poppy.

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sunrise_sunset

Yes, I think I might be able to write a book on the frustration of LC in the workplace. I'm away for the next week and will continue to work on how to achieve NC as best I can in an office scenario. No bites on my resume, but I like focusing on searching. I may need to broaden my horizons. I'm trying now to train my brain to understand that a new job doesn't need to be a forever job, just something that moves me into a new place, a new atmosphere, a new light.

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WorldInMyEyes

I don't even think I have a question for you all. I'm at work, and instead of roaming the halls looking for him, I'm in my office posting here. It's safe. So, to those of you who cannot achieve NC because of your proximity to xMM (colleague, boss, neighbor, friend of family, etc), I wish you all the luck in the world. I keep trying not to think of this as forever (as one other recent poster mentioned in another thread) -- it's just day-by-day. Trying.

Aren't you worried about IT finding out about this post?

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sunrise_sunset
Aren't you worried about IT finding out about this post?

 

Lol no. They should be more concerned at the thousands of job sites I'm on...and have emailed!

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WorldInMyEyes
Lol no. They should be more concerned at the thousands of job sites I'm on...and have emailed!

Lmao, that's awesome.

 

I once worked with a guy who was trying to get fired on purpose, so he logged into porn sites every morning and stayed logged in all day, every day. Eventually IT found out and he was let go. Mission accomplished! :laugh:

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sunrise_sunset

So, I've been complete NC for the past week, which is beyond tough in the workplace to accomplish. Honestly, most of it is because I've been away for four days, and I return to the office tomorrow. I am filled with dread. I've been OK these past days--head much clearer, focused on myself and my surroundings, though I have to admit there were so many reminders of him everywhere (songs, people, even walking past restaurants we've talked about). However, as I get closer to tomorrow, my mind is going nuts. I keep thinking: "He must REALLY be past this, he hasn't checked on me once to see if I'm safe, ok, etc etc..." meanwhile, I'm the one who ended everything, so I have to assume he is honoring my wishes?

 

I just need some guidance on returning to the workplace strong tomorrow! I continue to focus on getting my resume out there, and spending time with family and friends. How the hell do I stay strong with LC after taking some baby steps forward this past week?

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WorldInMyEyes
So, I've been complete NC for the past week, which is beyond tough in the workplace to accomplish. Honestly, most of it is because I've been away for four days, and I return to the office tomorrow. I am filled with dread. I've been OK these past days--head much clearer, focused on myself and my surroundings, though I have to admit there were so many reminders of him everywhere (songs, people, even walking past restaurants we've talked about). However, as I get closer to tomorrow, my mind is going nuts. I keep thinking: "He must REALLY be past this, he hasn't checked on me once to see if I'm safe, ok, etc etc..." meanwhile, I'm the one who ended everything, so I have to assume he is honoring my wishes?

 

I just need some guidance on returning to the workplace strong tomorrow! I continue to focus on getting my resume out there, and spending time with family and friends. How the hell do I stay strong with LC after taking some baby steps forward this past week?

You dumped him. You "pulled the plug" according to your first post. Dude just took a massive hit to his ego and you were the cause. He was in a happy place and you put him in a sad place. You think he feels good about you right now?

 

He's not "honoring your wishes". He's hurt and pissed off and trying to get over it. At work, thoughts of "you know what, F that B" are going through his head. Given enough time, he won't have those thoughts anymore because he won't be thinking about you at all.

 

All of that sounds incredibly harsh, I know, but if you want to know what going through that is like from a man's perspective, there you go.

 

Also, Indeed.com is awesome. Good luck with your job search. :)

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Well done, sunrise_sunset! I am impressed by your ability to take action and do, what you feel you have to do - for you. Perhaps it might also have something to do with the fact that you are the one to end things. You have the advantage of being prepared for this.

 

I work with the EXMM several times a week at the workplace. He ended things, so he had the advantage of being prepared for the next step, I think.

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sunrise_sunset
Well done, sunrise_sunset! I am impressed by your ability to take action and do, what you feel you have to do - for you. Perhaps it might also have something to do with the fact that you are the one to end things. You have the advantage of being prepared for this.

 

I work with the EXMM several times a week at the workplace. He ended things, so he had the advantage of being prepared for the next step, I think.

 

Truth, Taxed. I feel like it was the only thing left I had under my control (ending it). We'd had this looong, drawn out back-and-forth before the holiday period with me in tears saying, "WTF is this" and him saying, "Just relax and don't think so much..." I wanted answers, and he made zero promises -- I knew it was all coming to a close, because it became so clear that our heads were in two different places with this whole ridiculous craziness.

 

So, it's been OKAY. This past week was actually OKAY. LC, as I continue to maintain, is all I can do in the workplace, but it's very LC now. And it's not terrible. I'm staying busy and feeling better. And you're right -- it all started with trying to get ahead of it (thank you, DKT3 for that suggestion in a different thread) and really understanding that it has no place in my life. We'll see what next week brings. Poppy, I hope to see week-by-week as progress (vs. day-by-day). I long for complete NC, but it is impossible to achieve complete it, as our jobs are peripherally intertwined -- I did hear (not from him, though -- hooray!) that he's been working on a two-year plan to move out of the division as the company grows. Of course, I said to myself: two f*&king years. No, thank you. Working on getting out long before that.

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Hi there sunrise_sunset, just wanted to offer you well wishes as you move along on your journey to no contact with this xMM. There may be ups and downs, you may feel great one day and terrible the next, but don't give up hope that you will one day make it to true happiness again. Don't give up on you and what it is that you really want - which is to be completely free and clear of being involved in an affair.

 

Bolded about being the best MM ever... be wary of those thoughts. I've thought similar but is that really true? Is he always available to you and showering you with gifts on your birthday and holidays? Taking you on nice weekends away? Again the reminder: he is getting from you no strings attached sex. Of course he's wonderful when he graces you with his presence - because what guy won't be for NSA sex?

 

It took me forever to realize these ^ simple notions... It is best to keep these reminders handy, just in case you start to forget as time goes on. As the OW, we may have been special, but it is also very likely we weren't... or we just weren't that special... people tend to be nice and wonderful, and exhibit other pleasantries, when they are getting things for free (and/or with no strings attached).

 

 

When I'm feeling bad, a thought that used to make me hideously jealous that now just makes me shrug (okay maybe a little jealous still ;) ) is that... he can do this with someone else. Someone else can accept the crumbs. When I really do feel like falling back, I remind myself that he says it was different, he says we were special, but feels like he's done this before.

 

Interestingly enough, this line of thinking made me feel the exact opposite. I felt like "good riddance" when I thought of him doing the MM/OW thing with someone else :eek: My exact thought was, "a sOW would be in for a world of hurt" and "I sure hope she knows what she's getting herself into..." I would also think about him, "You were able to 'get away with it' one time, now you want to try your luck AGAIN?!!!"

 

However, I was, and still am to a degree, jealous of his wife. So, there's that.

 

I also secretly thought that he had done the affair thing before, though he claimed he hadn't. It just seemed to me that it is was easy for him. Or perhaps he had been witness to the affairs of others?

 

You dumped him. You "pulled the plug" according to your first post. Dude just took a massive hit to his ego and you were the cause. He was in a happy place and you put him in a sad place. You think he feels good about you right now?

 

He's not "honoring your wishes". He's hurt and pissed off and trying to get over it. At work, thoughts of "you know what, F that B" are going through his head. Given enough time, he won't have those thoughts anymore because he won't be thinking about you at all.

 

All of that sounds incredibly harsh, I know, but if you want to know what going through that is like from a man's perspective, there you go.

 

I found the above statements from WorldInMyEyes incredibly insightful. Despite the guilt I feel for my part in helping to make a mess of xMM's and my own lives, my overreaching final thoughts are that I ended things to stem the damage and give both of us a starting place to do better in our lives. My hope is that one day we'll both realize that ending it was the best outcome we could've had.

Edited by Vivir
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Vivir, I'm envious too of MMs wife. I imagine his sweetness, kindness and cleverness at home, and am jealous that she gets that day in and day out. In reality, he's probably gone from home a lot, flirting with his female coworkers, trying to shirk out of changing poopy diapers (there's a romantic image) and doing generally whatever he wants when he can get away with it. So I try to remind myself that I don't know the reality of what his wife has to deal with. I try to imagine it's not great. But then I remember that their marriages aren't usually as bad as they make them out to be, and I'm just sad. Oh well.

 

Sunrise_Sunset - we are in the same place I feel. The LC has been so much better for me. I've cut off all contact at home and made myself unavailable outside of work hours. It's helped me return to some sort of normalcy. Same with the boundary making. Before, when he was doing some pseudo relationship and contacting me whenever he wanted - well, it's completely crazy making. Before, I felt like he was putting me in a box. Now, I feel like I don't have a box... if anything, I put him in a box that only exists in my work life.

 

(So that sounds healthy. Now I'm just compartmentalizing too? But really... it has been helpful for me to realize exactly how little any of his life has to do with me.)

 

And yeah, it's okay.

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sunrise_sunset

It really is okay. This time feels different in so many respects, and I am so glad to hear from you and Vivir. I'm grateful for the check-ins, because each day continues to get better, and I want to come here and share that. I have done the exact same, Bourne. I feel good that there has been absolute NC outside the office. This is huge, because I used to stare at that phone constantly after hours, hoping/waiting/expecting a text or a call. I'm closing in on a month now, and I've let go of all those hopes. I don't expect to hear a thing now.

 

At work, there have been a few attempts on his part to engage me in a conversation, and I just keep right on moving along. I'm not rude, I'm not fake happy, I'm just moving. THAT feels good. My focus even at the workplace is getting clearer -- I can't even begin to explain how many minutes, hours of my time have been consumed with thoughts of him. And in these last couple of months, it was me just grasping at anything. I have this image in my head of him running away, while I was chasing him around, going, "But wait! Wait! What about meeeeeee?" -- no more.

 

That's not to say my mind hasn't wandered. I have always been envious of his gorgeous wife, too. I'm with you there. And she's of course funny and sweet, on top of everything else. He always told me that this was his first A. No way. I cannot believe that any longer. I now choose to believe that he is an expert in his words, his actions -- I ain't his first rodeo. And I won't be his last. But I'm here to say that even in my recent low moments of wonder and sadness over everything we shared -- it is far better than the low moments I was having in WHILE I was in the A. The self-doubt. The anger. The angst. The lack of control, sleep, and the exorbitant amount of tears and frustration. It is no way to live. Keep on talking! I need to hear it!

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WorldInMyEyes
But I'm here to say that even in my recent low moments of wonder and sadness over everything we shared -- it is far better than the low moments I was having in WHILE I was in the A. The self-doubt. The anger. The angst. The lack of control, sleep, and the exorbitant amount of tears and frustration. It is no way to live. Keep on talking! I need to hear it!

What words did you use to end things with him?

 

Curious since I have my own thing going on right now with a MW and the whole "sit around for days waiting for the next contact when it's convenient for her" is starting to wear really, really thin. The few moments of pleasure we share are not worth the subsequent days of anxiety. Women have been chasing after me my whole life and now I find myself checking my stupid phone every few seconds in the hopes that I'll get a text/call/email from someone who places me way down the totem pole of her priorities? LOL, **** that.

 

Your story is inspiring to me as you seem to be a few steps ahead of where I'd like to be someday soon.

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sunrise_sunset

Oh man, World. I feel like there are so many others here who are more eloquent with The Big Exit. But I'll tell you a few things: While most As are similar, the choices in getting past them vary. I get it that NC is key -- but you gotta be ready. Tell me more about your A -- client, right? So there's a work element in this. How often do you see each other, and is this an EA or PA -- or both? The office situation is really the challenge here, as it is for many others, including myself (especially recently -- seeing more threads on these freaking office scenarios). It's virtually impossible if you see the person on a consistent basis.

 

From what I can tell, she seems to have thrown you off your game, since you're the one who's used to being pursued. Must be nice, dammit!

 

I, too, was the lowest of low on his totem pole of priorities. Every so often, I'd get bumped to the TOP! It felt amazing up there! Until it didn't, and I was back to the bottom. Existing at that bottom sucks your soul right out of you. Those are the lows I'm talking about. I was done by late last year. I'd tried to be done a few times over 2016 but still held out little bits of hope that he'd come back. It got worse every time, our communication became total crap, too -- until there was seriously nothing left to even fight for.

 

So, here's what I said to end it (paraphrasing here, as I deleted everything I've written): "This is over. It should have ended long ago, but I kept trying to be okay with this whole situation. I'm not -- I'm in way over my head here, and I can't breathe anymore. I have to end this."

 

That was seriously about it. He never responded. Two years wrapped up in a text message. Nothing back.

 

So -- ask yourself: Are you ready to pull the plug too? What do you WANT out of this? That's probably a good place to start. Keep us posted!

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sunrise_sunset

Oh and today hasn't been stellar: I heard him in the hall talking about the new car his wife just got. I was floored -- it doesn't get any fancier. I thought to myself, "I'm just a plain boring SUV and she's a fancy Range Rover." I am still trying to let go of that way of thinking.

 

A's get your head all turned around. I'm NOT fxxking plain and boring! But this mess has made me feel that way for so long. Working to turn around those moments. I can be a freaking Maserati if I want to!

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Although MM and I don't work together, we know the same group of people socially and will run into each other from time to time without a doubt. We certainly hear about each other through mutual acquaintances, most who are unaware of the A.

 

I didn't have or feel the need for an exit speech. We had so many conversations over the almost 3 years we were together that covered everything, there was nothing left to be said. By his failure to change the situation he showed me he was willing to lose me. So he did. I just got to my breaking point and stopped responding to xMM. He stopped trying 3 weeks ago, he knows the score, he knows unless his situation changes I'm out.

 

For the first time I realized it just hurts more to keep holding on than to let go. The pain of NC can be brutal at times, but I know holding on is so much more damaging to me in the long run. I want to heal and be available for a healthy relationship in the near future.

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WorldInMyEyes
Oh man, World. I feel like there are so many others here who are more eloquent with The Big Exit. But I'll tell you a few things: While most As are similar, the choices in getting past them vary. I get it that NC is key -- but you gotta be ready. Tell me more about your A -- client, right? So there's a work element in this. How often do you see each other, and is this an EA or PA -- or both? The office situation is really the challenge here, as it is for many others, including myself (especially recently -- seeing more threads on these freaking office scenarios). It's virtually impossible if you see the person on a consistent basis.

 

From what I can tell, she seems to have thrown you off your game, since you're the one who's used to being pursued. Must be nice, dammit!

 

I, too, was the lowest of low on his totem pole of priorities. Every so often, I'd get bumped to the TOP! It felt amazing up there! Until it didn't, and I was back to the bottom. Existing at that bottom sucks your soul right out of you. Those are the lows I'm talking about. I was done by late last year. I'd tried to be done a few times over 2016 but still held out little bits of hope that he'd come back. It got worse every time, our communication became total crap, too -- until there was seriously nothing left to even fight for.

 

So, here's what I said to end it (paraphrasing here, as I deleted everything I've written): "This is over. It should have ended long ago, but I kept trying to be okay with this whole situation. I'm not -- I'm in way over my head here, and I can't breathe anymore. I have to end this."

 

That was seriously about it. He never responded. Two years wrapped up in a text message. Nothing back.

 

So -- ask yourself: Are you ready to pull the plug too? What do you WANT out of this? That's probably a good place to start. Keep us posted!

Sun/sun, I don't want to hijack your thread so I'll keep it brief (mini-hijack alert). I only have to see my MW a few times a year and it's nothing more than an EA. The wild gaps in communication (one second, then suddenly one week+ to respond to a text, really?) are becoming too much. Women have always approached me in bars/clubs/anywhere without me having to do anything but just stand there (no, it's not always nice since most of the attention is unwanted). Anyway, I don't feel like I have to put up with my MW's crap anymore.

 

What do I want? I want my thing with her to end. What do I REALLY want? Her.

 

*End mini-hijack*

 

Back to you, it must be awful having to see that guy every day. I haven't experienced something like that since I broke up with a girl back in college when we still had a class together. Every time I saw her walk inside the classroom I felt almost physically ill. You have to deal with that every day, no wonder you want a new job! Best of luck in your search. : )

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