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Recovery--"work" in progress


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 16th January 2018, 8:57 PM   #1
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Recovery--"work" in progress

I've been following threads for a while where co-workers have gotten themselves into these messy As. My own office-related A lasted two years, with more than one attempt at LC/NC -- instigated by me. We are both married with children. When it started back in late 2015, I have to admit I'd had a huge crush on him for a good year prior to THAT. I was so happy to just enjoy my crush, to get a little thrill of seeing him now and again. I guess he could sense it for a while and basically just tossed the idea of us getting together out there to see if it would stick...and boy, did it ever.

After two years of ups and downs-- way more downs than ups -- I pulled the plug 11 days ago, basically just saying I could not do this anymore. He had been happy with random contact when it was convenient for him. I wanted way more, in turns out...and I did NOT in the beginning. It has all the classic symptoms of your run-of-the-mill, boring affair, where the woman falls harder than the man, she grasps at anything he'll give her, and her world is completely turned upside down when it all amounts to s*&t. I'm literally a shell of my former self these days. My own marriage has never been strong -- my own H cheated for years, and we agreed to stay together for the kids. Just no physical spark. So I was ripe for an A when it did happen, I just never actually EXPECTED IT TO HAPPEN.


Anyway, that all aside (I've posted with other details prior to this), I'm now coming out of the fog. Wow. This is the longest we've gone, as we are co-workers (not in the same division, thankfully -- but we see each other pretty often, for very short periods of time). We were in LC early last week, and we haven't spoken or seen each other since Thursday. But you know what? I actually haven't cried once during this go-around. I sent a sad msg to end it all, and he never responded. LC literally just consists of us just saying quiet, respectful "hello's" in the hallway if we pass. I feel empty. Totally empty. Does that last? Will that stick?


I actually think he is honoring my request to not reach out, which makes me realize he really would have been the best MM ever -- IF I'd been ok with the whole situation (strong attraction, random meet-ups, good acquaintances, etc). I sometimes wish I COULD have been ok with this. But I now know that I wasn't special, and it's quite possible he has moved on to another already. But the silver lining in all this mess is that it's making me see that I need to look at the bigger picture now. What do I want? What does my H want? I've been ok with our situation for so many years, but 2018 looks to bring some big changes. Especially as I continue to look for a new job.


People -- it is excruciating trying to deal with LC when you're coming out of the A. I'd give anything to not see him for a good, long time -- like EVER, for example. Not seeing him this past week has really lifted my spirits, as I was so completely distraught over the holiday period. This is actually ending. I can't believe it! Do you have any idea how good it feels to not be attached to my phone? Or waiting/hoping for a call or text? We have no social media connection, thankfully. Just the damn phones. Which we use for professional and personal purposes. Blah. I'm out of the office for the next week and am so anxious for that separation.



I don't even think I have a question for you all. I'm at work, and instead of roaming the halls looking for him, I'm in my office posting here. It's safe. So, to those of you who cannot achieve NC because of your proximity to xMM (colleague, boss, neighbor, friend of family, etc), I wish you all the luck in the world. I keep trying not to think of this as forever (as one other recent poster mentioned in another thread) -- it's just day-by-day. Trying.
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Old 16th January 2018, 11:42 PM   #2
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I'm listening.

I know it's not easy. You have been heard.
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Old 16th January 2018, 11:48 PM   #3
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Don't second guess yourself or start to self blame. Most of us probably would have wanted the same thing as you and there is no switch to turn those feelings off. We are here for you my friend...
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Old 17th January 2018, 2:48 AM   #4
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Day by day and trying is playing games.

You either do it forever, or it just won't stick.

Poppy
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Old 17th January 2018, 4:48 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sunrise_sunset View Post

After two years of ups and downs-- way more downs than ups -- I pulled the plug 11 days ago, basically just saying I could not do this anymore. He had been happy with random contact when it was convenient for him. I wanted way more, in turns out...and I did NOT in the beginning. It has all the classic symptoms of your run-of-the-mill, boring affair, where the woman falls harder than the man, she grasps at anything he'll give her, and her world is completely turned upside down when it all amounts to s*&t. I'm literally a shell of my former self these days. My own marriage has never been strong -- my own H cheated for years, and we agreed to stay together for the kids. Just no physical spark. So I was ripe for an A when it did happen, I just never actually EXPECTED IT TO HAPPEN.


I actually think he is honoring my request to not reach out, which makes me realize he really would have been the best MM ever -- IF I'd been ok with the whole situation (strong attraction, random meet-ups, good acquaintances, etc). I sometimes wish I COULD have been ok with this. But I now know that I wasn't special, and it's quite possible he has moved on to another already. But the silver lining in all this mess is that it's making me see that I need to look at the bigger picture now. What do I want? What does my H want? I've been ok with our situation for so many years, but 2018 looks to bring some big changes. Especially as I continue to look for a new job.
Proud of your progress sunrise_sunset! It is strange to come out of the fog... I'm not sure if it's not having that protective wrap of chemicals that makes it seem so different out in the 'real world' but suddenly your perspective becomes much clearer.

Bolded about being the best MM ever... be wary of those thoughts. I've thought similar but is that really true? Is he always available to you and showering you with gifts on your birthday and holidays? Taking you on nice weekends away? Again the reminder: he is getting from you no strings attached sex. Of course he's wonderful when he graces you with his presence - because what guy won't be for NSA sex?

Glad you're asking the really big important questions - what do you want and what does your husband want...

When I'm feeling bad, a thought that used to make me hideously jealous that now just makes me shrug (okay maybe a little jealous still ) is that... he can do this with someone else. Someone else can accept the crumbs. When I really do feel like falling back, I remind myself that he says it was different, he says we were special, but feels like he's done this before.

And another flippant thought that is nonetheless helpful; I feel that MM is interested in the thrill of the chase. Therefore, I am always more attractive when he hasn't caught me. So it's kind of childish (or teenager-ish) but I recognize that the instant I give in, I become less attractive to him (kind of like his wife, without the added benefits of living with him) and that gives me some extra resolve when I feel like caving. It's feeling like you have the upper hand for once. Until you give in.. then you have nothing but shame guilt and regret...

Good luck. Work situations might be the worst. Which is why we are supposed to know better. Ha...
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Old 17th January 2018, 7:26 AM   #6
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Believe me, Poppy. I plan on forever, but when I think of it being done in those terms, the first thing I want to do is reach out to him and say, "I can't do this! I have to see you." Instead, if I think -- ok let's just get through TODAY -- I'll be one day further into the recovery, the distance, the feelings of longing/sadness. I made it to this morning with no call, no text. Sounds so silly, but going from all that communication to the extreme opposite is a shock to the soul. It's exactly what needs to happen.

Bourne, I can't believe I let my mind sometimes actually go there (idealizing the perfect MM). I really did try, the last two go-arounds, to say, ok maybe I can do this. Maybe it's all right to be on HIS terms and just take whatever I can get. It's better than nothing, right? Wrong. You know what's worse? The hope. The wait. Then the feelings of self-doubt, jealousy (two characteristics that had never defined me prior to this)...they eat away. That's worse than nothing.
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Old 17th January 2018, 4:00 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by sunrise_sunset View Post
Believe me, Poppy. I plan on forever, but when I think of it being done in those terms, the first thing I want to do is reach out to him and say, "I can't do this! I have to see you." Instead, if I think -- ok let's just get through TODAY -- I'll be one day further into the recovery, the distance, the feelings of longing/sadness. I made it to this morning with no call, no text. Sounds so silly, but going from all that communication to the extreme opposite is a shock to the soul. It's exactly what needs to happen.

Bourne, I can't believe I let my mind sometimes actually go there (idealizing the perfect MM). I really did try, the last two go-arounds, to say, ok maybe I can do this. Maybe it's all right to be on HIS terms and just take whatever I can get. It's better than nothing, right? Wrong. You know what's worse? The hope. The wait. Then the feelings of self-doubt, jealousy (two characteristics that had never defined me prior to this)...they eat away. That's worse than nothing.
I agree with you that it's necessary to take it one day at a time in the beginning until you get to that point where you can say who cares if I never talk to him again? He was a stupid jerk full of lies and word salads anyway.

Like you I had pretty much convinced myself that I could do it, that it would be so much easier to just give in and give him what he wanted. He even told me something along the lines of "don't expect too much and you'll be happier" (mind****). The last time we were together I was ready to give up and give in. The next day I found out he'd gone out with someone else. I knew then that I had to end it and never go back.
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Old 17th January 2018, 4:16 PM   #8
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Believe me, the fog will disperse far more quickly if you go complete NC.

LC is dragging out the agony, while providing an opportunity to go back.

YOu can't give up any addiction by indulging occasionally. This is no different.

Poppy.
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Old 17th January 2018, 11:35 PM   #9
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Yes, I think I might be able to write a book on the frustration of LC in the workplace. I'm away for the next week and will continue to work on how to achieve NC as best I can in an office scenario. No bites on my resume, but I like focusing on searching. I may need to broaden my horizons. I'm trying now to train my brain to understand that a new job doesn't need to be a forever job, just something that moves me into a new place, a new atmosphere, a new light.
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Old 18th January 2018, 12:05 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by sunrise_sunset View Post
I don't even think I have a question for you all. I'm at work, and instead of roaming the halls looking for him, I'm in my office posting here. It's safe. So, to those of you who cannot achieve NC because of your proximity to xMM (colleague, boss, neighbor, friend of family, etc), I wish you all the luck in the world. I keep trying not to think of this as forever (as one other recent poster mentioned in another thread) -- it's just day-by-day. Trying.
Aren't you worried about IT finding out about this post?
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Old 18th January 2018, 8:16 AM   #11
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Aren't you worried about IT finding out about this post?
Lol no. They should be more concerned at the thousands of job sites I'm on...and have emailed!
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Old 18th January 2018, 11:59 PM   #12
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Lol no. They should be more concerned at the thousands of job sites I'm on...and have emailed!
Lmao, that's awesome.

I once worked with a guy who was trying to get fired on purpose, so he logged into porn sites every morning and stayed logged in all day, every day. Eventually IT found out and he was let go. Mission accomplished!
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Old 22nd January 2018, 11:12 PM   #13
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So, I've been complete NC for the past week, which is beyond tough in the workplace to accomplish. Honestly, most of it is because I've been away for four days, and I return to the office tomorrow. I am filled with dread. I've been OK these past days--head much clearer, focused on myself and my surroundings, though I have to admit there were so many reminders of him everywhere (songs, people, even walking past restaurants we've talked about). However, as I get closer to tomorrow, my mind is going nuts. I keep thinking: "He must REALLY be past this, he hasn't checked on me once to see if I'm safe, ok, etc etc..." meanwhile, I'm the one who ended everything, so I have to assume he is honoring my wishes?

I just need some guidance on returning to the workplace strong tomorrow! I continue to focus on getting my resume out there, and spending time with family and friends. How the hell do I stay strong with LC after taking some baby steps forward this past week?
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Old 23rd January 2018, 12:46 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by sunrise_sunset View Post
So, I've been complete NC for the past week, which is beyond tough in the workplace to accomplish. Honestly, most of it is because I've been away for four days, and I return to the office tomorrow. I am filled with dread. I've been OK these past days--head much clearer, focused on myself and my surroundings, though I have to admit there were so many reminders of him everywhere (songs, people, even walking past restaurants we've talked about). However, as I get closer to tomorrow, my mind is going nuts. I keep thinking: "He must REALLY be past this, he hasn't checked on me once to see if I'm safe, ok, etc etc..." meanwhile, I'm the one who ended everything, so I have to assume he is honoring my wishes?

I just need some guidance on returning to the workplace strong tomorrow! I continue to focus on getting my resume out there, and spending time with family and friends. How the hell do I stay strong with LC after taking some baby steps forward this past week?
You dumped him. You "pulled the plug" according to your first post. Dude just took a massive hit to his ego and you were the cause. He was in a happy place and you put him in a sad place. You think he feels good about you right now?

He's not "honoring your wishes". He's hurt and pissed off and trying to get over it. At work, thoughts of "you know what, F that B" are going through his head. Given enough time, he won't have those thoughts anymore because he won't be thinking about you at all.

All of that sounds incredibly harsh, I know, but if you want to know what going through that is like from a man's perspective, there you go.

Also, Indeed.com is awesome. Good luck with your job search.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 7:06 AM   #15
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Oh man, all truth there. Awesome. I needed that! Job search shall resume, now that I'm back. Thanks, World.
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