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An emotional affair


Yellowcrayon40

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Yellowcrayon40

I'm hoping this is a judgement free space since affairs of any kind are a moral dilemma and yet I find myself as the other woman in an emotional affair. The chemistry between he and I was undeniable from the first moment we saw each other. Our contact was irregular because of the context in which we met.

 

However, each time we saw each other in public the effect was the same. Undeniable chemistry and his face would absolutely light up, subtle body contact - his hand on the small of my back. I did not initially know for some time, that he was partnered. Our contact became less regular and one day he met with me to tell me he was moving interstate as his partner had been offered a promotion. We lost contact for almost 18 months and then resumed again about 3 months ago when I found him on google.

 

He was happy to hear from me and contact was and generally is very day-to-day. My feelings began to change very subtly....I wanted to tell him all about my day, share news and found myself missing him. His feelings began to change also and we blurred the friend boundaries with a phone sex moment. We have never been physically intimate even kissed nor given photos etc. My heart tells me I love him. I'm not sure about his towards me.

 

I have not told him I love him because it seems unfair with his circumstances. He feels very confused as he has a good family "team" - 2 children by her. I don't know if he loves his partner but think perhaps it's more in a platonic/friend way. She discovered our contact about 6 weeks after it started and it ceased. It has recently resumed again - initiated by him. He said he thought about me every day. I know in my head I need to stop but my heart tells me otherwise and I feel he is the same. I love that he is the only person I've been 100% honest with about everything, no holds barred.

 

I love that we can be silent on the phone without feeling the need to fill the silence - just enjoying each other's presence. I love how he makes me feel. I love that we seem to echo each other's feelings. I haven't felt this way about someone in many years. I love that we can talk about the boring stuff. The flirting and intimacy I love too. He is risking a lot to be in touch with me. He says it is likely that she will kick him out. I know it will break his heart to not be with his kids.

 

I wonder whether I terminate contact, whether we drop back to friends or..... Geography is a small issue BUT manageable if we decide to see each other. He is unlikely to leave where he is due to kids and a job he loves and vice versa. Social media, tech and cheap flights make it possible. Anyone in a similar situation or with advice...I did not choose to become the other woman but was naive I suppose to think my feelings would not change. I trust that this is a safe place for me to be honest about this situation I find myself in. Thanks

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Hi.

I think many of us have been where you are now and can relate to what you're describing.

Let me start off by saying that I myself was a married woman in an affair with a married man. We went on to divorce our spouses and are in a relationship.

The reason I mention it is so that you know I am not judging you. I speak from my experience and common sense.

I suspect you and your MM view this relationship very differently. While you treat this as your primary relationship and are so invested in terms of emotional energy and commitment, for him it is a supplement to his full, complete life. You are not in the same position.

Don't dismiss his feelings for his wife so quickly. Even if he is experiencing a crush on you, those deep, friendly, team feelings often override a temporary crush.

People divorce every day, despite having children and houses and so on. People who stay married,imo, usually still have some emotional attachment to the spouse as well.

The fact that you haven't been physical helps him feel like he's not even cheating.

I don't read in your story a man done with his marriage and ready to move on.

This leaves you with 2 options in terms of keeping contact: mistress or friends.

Being friends is out of the question. You can't be friends with someone you are so in love with. Plus, you'll keep falling back to EA.

Being his mistress is probably thr worst thing you can do to yourself. Jumping head first in to an ocean of pain, loneliness, frustration and low self esteem.

Do the only sensible and kind thing you yourself.

Go No Contact. It will hurt for a while but you will be out of the loop of pain

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I couldn’t agree more with Imsosad. You are already removing the obstacles in your head about how you can make it work. And projecting a lot of stuff as to how he is feeling. If you read all the thousands of stories on love shack you will see in 99% of cases the husband never leaves his wife!

 

He is viewing you as a distraction from his real life family obligations, responsibilities and commitments and yet they are the very things that he will fall back on when his wife finds out about it (which also generally happens).

 

You are viewing it as a magical love story, a “meant to be” moment - when it sounds more like limerance (google it if you haven’t heard the term, I had t either before I came on here).

 

I do sympathise with your situation - I was once starry eyed and couldn’t get over the chemistry either. But unfortunately it never ends well when the object of your affection is married.

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What is your goal? Write it out - share it with him... you said you share everything with him.

 

Decide what YOU want for your life. Take charge of your future.

 

Never settle.

 

 

 

It's concerning because he didn't leave her when she found out - instead he cut off communication as she asked. Be cautious and realistic.

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What is your goal? Write it out - share it with him... you said you share everything with him.

 

Decide what YOU want for your life. Take charge of your future.

 

Never settle.

 

 

 

It's concerning because he didn't leave her when she found out - instead he cut off communication as she asked. Be cautious and realistic.

 

I shared everything with xMM. How cheated we fee when we find out that there is very little they share with us.

Poppy

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What is your goal? Write it out - share it with him... you said you share everything with him.

 

Decide what YOU want for your life. Take charge of your future.

 

Never settle.

 

 

 

It's concerning because he didn't leave her when she found out - instead he cut off communication as she asked. Be cautious and realistic.

 

Wait - is Poppy the same as the OP?

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I shared everything with xMM. How cheated we fee when we find out that there is very little they share with us.

Poppy

 

^ THIS

 

Mine was an EA, he seemed to listen and not judge... I told all the eff about me, still he didnt judge. It seemed that every other person was trying to ‘hold me back’ at that time and it was a perfect time to meet someone who didnt!.. Bliss! NOT.

 

After a lot of pain I regained the ability to see the big picture. The people who seemed to hold me back were the one who cared. He didnt judge coz he disnt care in the first place. If only we can fling those rose tinted glasses off...

 

Also like Poppy said... yet he told very little truth, if at all he revealed anything at all.

 

WE are bulding it up... our part AND THEIRS. Its called fog for a reason... bloody hell.

Edited by freengreen
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Yellowcrayon40

Thank you for your comments. Some very valid views...

 

"It's concerning because he didn't leave her when she found out - instead he cut off communication as she asked. Be cautious and realistic." ~ True. He had the option to 'fess up and move on and instead he chose to 'fess up and do as she said.

 

I don't think he's doing this to be an ass I think he's genuinely confused which makes it difficult for me to dislike him and move on.

 

"While you treat this as your primary relationship and are so invested in terms of emotional energy and commitment, for him it is a supplement to his full, complete life. You are not in the same position." ~ Also true. He is not in a position to invest energy, time and commitment even if he wanted to because he is being closely monitored by spouse.

 

"People divorce every day, despite having children and houses and so on. People who stay married,imo, usually still have some emotional attachment to the spouse as well. I don't read in your story a man done with his marriage and ready to move on" ~ Yes, I think you are right.

 

So this leaves me at the place my head knew I was coming to but heart wasn't allowing me to do and that's cease all contact until he is in a position to start something properly. Ideal in my mind anyway because "the other woman" is never something I wanted to be and also I did not ever want to be the reason for a relationship ending. Ugh feelings!!!

 

Thank you all now just to be brave and strong enough to do that. Wish me luck!

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“I don't think he's doing this to be an ass I think he's genuinely confused which makes it difficult for me to dislike him and move on.”

 

Beware of the “genuinely confused”. No doubt this is how he will e plain any further contact to his wife. And she may indulge his confusion with patience and love. (Or she may not - and then what? He comes to you full of ambivalence?)

 

“Genuinely confused “ isn’t a lie exactly, but neither is it the state of a mature person who is being honest with the people in his life or himself. It’s a get out of jail free card. He can wibble- wobble a while longer while those around him pat his shoulder understandingly. Actually, not for a while, but for as long as the gentle understanding continues.

 

“Genuinely healthy” is what we are all after and people who enter affairs (you too) aren’t in a healthy spot in their lives.

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FWIW.. I can share with you the other person POV from an affair like it. Its going to be really really hard to leave a family and a wife for the person you are in an EA with. It would take a lot more than "oh, i have such feelings for my EA partner". It would require a very very unhappy man and unhappy marriage that is on the brink of collapse. And even then, any sane mature adult would not enter into another LTR just after the collapse of a marriage because it would mean bringing in a whole lot of baggage and garbage into another new fresh relationship which could spell disaster for that new relationship.

 

Just my 2 cents....

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"It's concerning because he didn't leave her when she found out - instead he cut off communication as she asked. Be cautious and realistic." ~ True. He had the option to 'fess up and move on and instead he chose to 'fess up and do as she said.

 

I don't think he's doing this to be an ass I think he's genuinely confused which makes it difficult for me to dislike him and move on.

 

"While you treat this as your primary relationship and are so invested in terms of emotional energy and commitment, for him it is a supplement to his full, complete life. You are not in the same position." ~ Also true. He is not in a position to invest energy, time and commitment even if he wanted to because he is being closely monitored by spouse.

 

Yellowcrayon, it seems to me you know what to do, and I wish you strength and peace as you embark on leaving this man and affair behind.

 

Just wanted to point out that what you wrote above - especially the bolded part... means this man is doing what he wants to do, which is make his wife happy and feel comfortable in their relationship so she won't leave him or create turmoil for him...

When she found out, he didn't leave. But also... he is not in a position to invest energy, time and commitment in your affair, or pursue the relationship with you further, not because he is being closely monitored by his spouse, but because he doesn't want to do so. If he did, he would.

 

His actions have spoken quite clearly here, and you should take his words with a grain of salt.

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Welcome to LS :)

 

My take over the decades with this stuff has led me to this:

 

Enjoy this contact as it fulfills you in the moment but let go of expectations. Continue to enjoy the company of single and available men and view this distant contact as a supplement to your life for as long as it is. If MM future-fakes, shut him down. Focus on the now.

 

A couple of caveats if you're new to this:

 

1. Most importantly - Trust but verify. As example, verify his partner/spouse is disclosed. Seek independent and verifiable contact.

 

2. Expect and accept unannounced darkness. I came to call it 'poofing'.

 

3. Accept that men and women can be and are often different in matters of intimacy. Sure, there's some overlap but styles can vary markedly. Our male brains, in general, are organized differently. When a MM contacts you, he pulls out the 'emotional affair' box, and only that box, views you inside that box and interacts only within that box. Once finished with that box, it's placed back in the filing room and forgotten, not in a mean way but in a compartmentalized way. He's back to the job box or the kids box or the wife box or the mother in law box ;)

 

Good luck and I've had many experiences with MW's like yours with this MM decades ago and it was quite a learning experience. The trick IME is to not let him get on your mind to the exclusion of healthy and available men at your fingertips.

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WorldInMyEyes

OP, people here are telling you to go "no contact" with him. Why would you do something like that when the interaction between you two is so awesome?

 

I'm in the same situation as you, but I'm the other man. The chemistry between us is off the charts and so thick you can cut it with a knife. Sex? Who cares? That's boring. Forming a genuine emotional connection with a married woman is so much more satisfying. I think about mine when I wake up in the morning, throughout the day, and when I go to bed at night.

 

You're obviously in love with this guy, so why not tell him? He'll appreciate it, so why hide it?

 

Also, LOL at you and him going back to being "friends". You've gone too far, there's no going back now. Have fun! :D

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WorldInMyEyes, you are definitely entitled to your opinion, as are the rest of us; however, it seems to me that if Yellowcrayon goes anywhere near this MM her EA will quickly turn into a PA and then she will be unbearably miserable.

 

She is already referring to herself as the other woman and speaking of how she loves him and how they can make things happen (by tech and travel) and the possibility of him breaking up his good family team. He is NOT miserable at home, and OP is very likely a distraction - something extra that he looks forward to but can live without.

 

It is my opinion that she will eventually pursue progression of this relationship, this affair relationship - especially if it transitions to a PA, and that is where her heart will begin to break. He is not likely to leave his good team behind. And as such, he will want things to stay as they are with Yellowcrayon. All of her efforts towards progression will pale in comparison to his good team at home, and she will likely end up very heartbroken in the aftermath.

 

That is why I, and others here, have advised her to cut things off - or keep her feelings out of it (too late, she has feelings).

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WorldInMyEyes
WorldInMyEyes, you are definitely entitled to your opinion, as are the rest of us; however, it seems to me that if Yellowcrayon goes anywhere near this MM her EA will quickly turn into a PA and then she will be unbearably miserable.

 

She is already referring to herself as the other woman and speaking of how she loves him and how they can make things happen (by tech and travel) and the possibility of him breaking up his good family team. He is NOT miserable at home, and OP is very likely a distraction - something extra that he looks forward to but can live without.

 

It is my opinion that she will eventually pursue progression of this relationship, this affair relationship - especially if it transitions to a PA, and that is where her heart will begin to break. He is not likely to leave his good team behind. And as such, he will want things to stay as they are with Yellowcrayon. All of her efforts towards progression will pale in comparison to his good team at home, and she will likely end up very heartbroken in the aftermath.

 

That is why I, and others here, have advised her to cut things off - or keep her feelings out of it (too late, she has feelings).

I'm married and I would leave my wife in a heartbeat if I met someone I was in love with as deeply as OP is. Marriage is a legal document. True Love is True Love.

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I'm married and I would leave my wife in a heartbeat if I met someone I was in love with as deeply as OP is. Marriage is a legal document. True Love is True Love.

 

Please don't take this the wrong way, but...

 

You say that, but these are just words.

It's funny how that legal document allows married folks to make a ton of excuses so as not to divorce, e.g., the divvying up of expensive assets, custody, a lifetime of memories, etc... you make it seem simple and easy... and maybe it is for you...

So -

Where is your action?

Have you ever divorced?

I haven't, I mean, I haven't ever even been married.

But

I don't think it is necessarily an action a person would take ... to initiate a divorce due to infatuation. OP seems to me to be infatuated. The actions her MM has taken that she has described here don't seem to me to be "true love" but true infatuation...

 

In your previous post, you told us you were the OM, you are but you are also the MM. You and OP are NOT in the same position. You have a wife and an OW. I imagine it is quite easy from your perspective, what with having your cake and eating it, too. I am betting the farm that OP is single.

 

Moving forward might feel good for a while for OP, but it will begin to suck from her perspective.

 

And since you are the married man in your triangle, are you replying in this way because you intend to divorce your betrayed wife for your married other woman? Is she planning to divorce for you? Have either of you made any headway in this regard? Or are you just satisfying each other, using each other as distractions? And is the situation better that both of you are married than either of you being single so no one pressures the other more than normal or at all? What she can't do for you and vice versa, both of your spouses take up the slack... or something to that effect?

 

Inquiring minds need to know ... and need to know in proper context.

Thanks!

Edited by Vivir
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Yellowcrayon 40, you've received really good advice and information here (with the exception of WorldInMyEyes, but Vivir has handled that discussion!).

 

Your "Thank you" post indicates you know what the right course of action is. Stay strong and know that you are avoiding so much more pain by stopping now.

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Noting some topic drift into other member's relationships and checking that the thread starter hasn't visited in a few days I'll close this up pending their return for an update, response or inquiry. Thanks for your input!

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