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Consequences ***Updated***


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 6th January 2018, 8:57 AM   #61
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Thanks for all the considered responses!
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Old 6th January 2018, 10:40 PM   #62
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Any OW feel guilty for not responding when the MM texts? I'm currently ignoring his text from a few hours earlier just checking in and letting me know what he's up to since we haven't seen each other because of the holidays. I know it's crazy, but part of my problem in even temporary NC is feeling like I'm being mean to him, not being a good friend. Even though he at times has not responded to me for several days when he's in a funk.

And yes, I know many of you will want to say what I should feel guilty about is being in the A. Believe me, I do feel that. And I do know he's "being mean" and "not being a good friend to me" by different actions along the way and just the very nature of having an A.

I just wanted to hear from OW or OM to see if my feeling guilty for not responding to him is normal or part of my particular issues due to MM's cancer. After reading here I'm more cognizant of the possibility of that "hook" being in play.
I'm an OW and yep if my MM texts me, I feel the immediate need to text back. If I don't text back, then he will keep on shooting me texts/ send me emails, or eventually call until I do. Then ask me, what I was doing that, I didn't respond back. When I am feeling resistant, I don't text back straight away & yes, I feel guilty about it. - Trained me well, as some I know here will say.
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Old 7th January 2018, 11:42 AM   #63
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My biggest learning from this all is to take it slow, get to know the person, their friends, their life, before you let the relationship escalate. Common sense maybe, but I guess I took a lot from TV. I don't have a single relationship in my past that didn't move quickly to physical.

I think people can be trustworthy. I think the biggest thing is making yourself trustworthy, and having trust in yourself that you will be an honest person. (I'm not there yet). Water seeks its level.

Oh, and also - don't brush off those red flags. They're making lights go off in your head for a reason.
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Old 7th January 2018, 12:26 PM   #64
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Originally Posted by BourneWicked View Post
My biggest learning from this all is to take it slow, get to know the person, their friends, their life, before you let the relationship escalate. Common sense maybe, but I guess I took a lot from TV. I don't have a single relationship in my past that didn't move quickly to physical.
Agree with this. Iíve had this problem too. In almost all of those cases Iíve found out later that the guy really wasnít that into me, which sucks, and I hate it that men do this. I like inviting people home but not going to do that with men anymore, assuming Iím ever in that position again.
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Old 7th January 2018, 12:46 PM   #65
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BourneWicked and Jah,

Believe me the right guys are still out there! And, they may be wondering why great ladies like you fall for the wrong man. BourneWicked, you hit the nail on the head. Take your time. Don't invest your heart until you really know if its worth investing your most precious resource. Yes, we all want to be in love, but if you skip over skeptical like, you are taking an uncalculated risk with your heart.

Get to know him. Meet his family and friends. Have those awful awkward conversations about what you're each looking for and when to become exclusive. And Jah, you're right about your house. Meet him out. Don't let him come home until you can trust him a little with your heart. Why? Your home is your soft spot to land. No one gets to enter that until you know you are safe letting him in there.

The right guy, ladies, will see this and will respect you. They will admire you for setting boundaries that help you both establish a healthy and empowering relationship for both of you.

As for OP, I feel for you as my father recently passed away from the same diagnosis. He also had had an affair earlier in his life. An end of life diagnosis is hard on loved ones. You feel both loss and the need to provide the person you love with comfort and joy while you still can. But, on the flipside, having an end of life diagnosis doesn't give you a license to take advantage of others and that's what MM is doing to you. In your case - and this may be bad advice, I'll let others jump in - I'd see him one last time and say goodbye. No fooling around, no loving declarations that keep you hanging on. Just goodbye. I recommend it because it will likely be the last time you see him and I want you to spend the shortest time mourning him possible so that you can continue to live a life of contentment and happiness with a new partner that is solely yours. If you have regrets, you may mourn longer. I have no idea if my dad saw his exOW before he did. I doubt he did as he got sick quickly and he seemed very focused on making things right with my mom. So, for him, I'm not sure if he would have done that. Through these boards, I've come to realize the more human side of my dad's ex (some bad stuff happened) and I hope he did say goodbye because I think she would have mourned him intensely.

Good luck to all three of you. My best, GG
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Old 7th January 2018, 1:17 PM   #66
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Thanks georgia girl. I don't plan on having any "goodbye" talks or meetings. We've both made our feelings clear, I don't feel the need to say or hear any more.

I will see him around from time to time (until the time his cancer puts an end to that) because of his being a musician and my involvement in the local music scene. I'm just taking it day by day on not spending time alone together with him anymore. I want to have a healthy relationship with a man at some point and I know I won't as long as I let him remain in the picture.
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Old 13th January 2018, 8:43 PM   #67
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Disconnected

I haven't actually seen MM face to face in almost a month now because of family obligations for both of us around the holidays and then my choosing to be unavailable to him since then. We've been in contact through texts a few times a week, initiated by him, I keep my responses minimal but cordial.

The longer I'm away from him, not only do I feel disconnected from him but kind of disconnected from everything, at least a little bit. Like i'm lost in my head trying to figure out my next moves and sometimes feeling like I'm just going through the motions. I'm not tearful and miserable about him lately, and not too unhappy in general, but I still kind of feel like I'm in a fog and as my user name states, finding my way.

I'm assuming I'll get past it soon so I'm not overly concerned about it, it's just a really odd feeling. Maybe it's a normal addiction withdrawal reaction.

Does that make sense to anyone? Anyone ever had that experience?
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Old 26th January 2018, 6:25 PM   #68
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Thanks LS Posters

I was just reminded again today how helpful all of you have been to me in this process of trying to move on from my almost 3 year affair. It's amazing how our minds can come up with such great reasons why it would be ok to break NC and just say hi, or share news with him I automatically would have just a month ago. I've been so tempted for the last few days, but then I remember everything I've read here.

NC day 16 and counting. Thanks for sharing your stories.
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:57 PM   #69
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Therapy

I'd like to hear from others who have experience with therapy for dealing with ending an affair. Do you think it was helpful? If so, in what way?

At a regular appointment with my GP last month she referred me to a therapist because of mild depression, based on my bursting in to tears when she asked me about how things were (embarassing!) and my subsequent responses to a depression quiz.

Even though I have encouraged others to go to therapy I've been resistant to it myself for some reason. I think because I intellectually know the reasons I'm feeling depressed, or think I do, and so I just need to give it time. But on top of the emotional difficulties of divorcing after 23 years of marriage and the death of my father all in the last few years, I think the "depression" is lasting too long. I finally scheduled an appointment for this week. I'm just not feeling too confident it will be helpful.
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Old 29th January 2018, 2:58 PM   #70
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I've been in therapy off and on for the past 20+ years and there were two things that were important in the therapy being successful for me:

1. Me willing to put in the work and facing the facts
2. Me having a positive relationship with the therapist

I did a bout of therapy was when I was trying to end the A, before d-day. She was lovely and not judgmental at all. However I do think I was "fighting" the therapy...not really examining the things she asked me to look at in myself. Until d-day.

Then I realized I needed to make real changes. And she helped me, talking to me the day after d-day, setting up phone appointments when she broke her ankle and couldn't go to the office. She asked questions and I answered honestly. I saw her for probably a little over a year after d-day until one day she was like, "I don't have to ask the questions anymore. You're asking them yourself."

I think the most important thing I've learned from my many therapy bouts is how to reframe things in life. The last time I talked to someone, I was a mess after my son was born. He'd been born early, was in NICU, I couldn't breastfeed, he had to have surgeries. I was feeling helpless. And she looks at me and says, "Look at you! You are a strong woman and a strong mother. You've been dealing with all these things with your newborn baby. I don't see a mess, I see a warrior." Ever since then when I get too negative I reframe things and feel so much better.

Okay I am rambling...but my main point is what you get out of therapy is what you put into it. It isn't easy but can be rewarding. GL!
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Old 29th January 2018, 3:34 PM   #71
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Thanks Bittersweetie. I am going to try and work on my mindset before going to the first session to try and be open to what I hear. I already feel the resistance so I know I'm going to have to put in a real effort.
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Old 30th January 2018, 4:47 PM   #72
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Trust

As part of my work on myself on figuring out why I had an affair with a MM after having previously been a BW, I read both the Infidelity and the OM/OW sections of LS. Iím just posting this for my own purposes, not sure anyone will have any responses, itís just helpful to get these things out there for my own ďself-therapyĒ.

OW (I donít notice it with OM) in some cases feel certain that the MM is only staying in the M for the kids or for financial reasons. They write so negatively about the BS and believe whatever the story is that the MM gives them, and that if not for (fill in the blank) MM would be with them.

BW/BH in many cases feel certain that the WH/WW was only using the AP and seem to be fairly confident that their WS truly does love them and understandably gloat about how the WS begged for forgiveness and completely disavowed any feelings for the AP other than disgust. They repeat what the WS tells them here on LS (as in "My WH feels....) without seeming to have any doubt whatsoever, even though they are angry and hurt.

Iím always so skeptical in both cases. Maybe I am just jaded or scarred from having been on both sides. I understand that the OW needs to believe the MM really loves her, I struggle with that to. And I understand the BS has to believe what the WS tells them otherwise there could be no reconciliation.

Even though I wanted to, I didnít believe my WH (I divorced him) and I donít believe my xMM either (Iíve chosen to stay away from him and hey, thatís the first time Iíve put x in front of MM, so maybe Iím making progress!). I just donít know that I would ever be able to trust someone who cheated on me or with me. I guess that means I am not sure I can trust myself either. I know I certainly never plan to get married again.

As one of the BS on here says frequently, affairs suck.
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Old 5th February 2018, 12:44 PM   #73
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Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
As part of my work on myself on figuring out why I had an affair with a MM after having previously been a BW, I read both the Infidelity and the OM/OW sections of LS. Iím just posting this for my own purposes, not sure anyone will have any responses, itís just helpful to get these things out there for my own ďself-therapyĒ.

OW (I donít notice it with OM) in some cases feel certain that the MM is only staying in the M for the kids or for financial reasons. They write so negatively about the BS and believe whatever the story is that the MM gives them, and that if not for (fill in the blank) MM would be with them.

BW/BH in many cases feel certain that the WH/WW was only using the AP and seem to be fairly confident that their WS truly does love them and understandably gloat about how the WS begged for forgiveness and completely disavowed any feelings for the AP other than disgust. They repeat what the WS tells them here on LS (as in "My WH feels....) without seeming to have any doubt whatsoever, even though they are angry and hurt.

Iím always so skeptical in both cases. Maybe I am just jaded or scarred from having been on both sides. I understand that the OW needs to believe the MM really loves her, I struggle with that to. And I understand the BS has to believe what the WS tells them otherwise there could be no reconciliation.

Even though I wanted to, I didnít believe my WH (I divorced him) and I donít believe my xMM either (Iíve chosen to stay away from him and hey, thatís the first time Iíve put x in front of MM, so maybe Iím making progress!). I just donít know that I would ever be able to trust someone who cheated on me or with me. I guess that means I am not sure I can trust myself either. I know I certainly never plan to get married again.

As one of the BS on here says frequently, affairs suck.
100% agree. Many people on these boards speak and think in black and white when the reality is likely greyer than they care to admit.

My xMM would say he didnít want to leave his kids and wanted to keep their family unit in tact. I would call bullsh*t on that, sometime to his face. I would say I knew he loved his wife and was torn about his marriage and sometimes he would admit that was true.

When BS talk about their WS with such certainty, I also scoff a bit. I think SOME WS are just users and in it for the physical pleasure and ego boost. Those ones are probably being honest when they tell the WS ďAP didnít mean anything to me.Ē But then, what kind of a person is this, who would risk their marriage over something that ďdidnít mean anythingĒ to them? I mean, really.

So then on the other hand we have the situations where WS did have feelings for AP, often strong feelings. And when they choose to reconcile, it doesnít mean those feelings just disappear. I read a post in Infidelity the other day where someone said something like ďif my WS said they had any feelings of missing AP, I would give up on reconciliation and divorce.Ē Really??

When everything else seems to be falling apart, people tend to cling on to their certainties for dear life...
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Old Yesterday, 8:04 PM   #74
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NC Blown

Well I blew NC in a big way. xMM showed up at a regular Sunday afternoon music jam session a few blocks from my house that I attend almost every week. He played a few numbers with the band but stayed the entire session and came over and started conversations with me several times (not an easy feat since the place was packed). I was cordial but not overly welcoming to his attempts. As I left he "chased after" me (as my friend I was there with put it) and just said it was good to see me and I said the same to him but that I had to get going to another music club to meet my friend I was there with.

When my friend and I met at the next club she told me xMM had seemed really upset almost been in tears about seeing me again. She's not a fan of the A so she didn't say it to encourage me, but unfortunately that's the effect it had on me. I changed the conversation and tried to not think about it. But at the end of the evening when I was going home for the night I gave into the temptation and texted him that it was good to hear him play again. The several drinks I had over the course of the afternoon and evening didn't help my willpower.

He's texted several times over the day today and I agreed to meet him for lunch on Friday. I'd like to tell myself that it's just to make things clear, that until he leaves his marriage I'm not an option. But the truth is I'm just not ready to completely let go yet and seeing him and interacting with him brought it all front and center. I'm hoping maybe he'll say or do something to put the final nail in the A coffin. If I get disgusted over the situation enough times surely I'll eventually walk away for good.

Just wanted to add my sad failure to the others to show that no matter how much we "know" the right thing to do and know the reality of the situation, the addiction is so very hard to break. 5 weeks NC and 10 weeks of not actually seeing each other all down the drain.

I'm still determined to move forward and focus on healthier relationships but this was a disappointing setback.
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Old Yesterday, 8:40 PM   #75
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Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
Well I blew NC in a big way. xMM showed up at a regular Sunday afternoon music jam session a few blocks from my house that I attend almost every week. He played a few numbers with the band but stayed the entire session and came over and started conversations with me several times (not an easy feat since the place was packed). I was cordial but not overly welcoming to his attempts. As I left he "chased after" me (as my friend I was there with put it) and just said it was good to see me and I said the same to him but that I had to get going to another music club to meet my friend I was there with.

When my friend and I met at the next club she told me xMM had seemed really upset almost been in tears about seeing me again. She's not a fan of the A so she didn't say it to encourage me, but unfortunately that's the effect it had on me. I changed the conversation and tried to not think about it. But at the end of the evening when I was going home for the night I gave into the temptation and texted him that it was good to hear him play again. The several drinks I had over the course of the afternoon and evening didn't help my willpower.

He's texted several times over the day today and I agreed to meet him for lunch on Friday. I'd like to tell myself that it's just to make things clear, that until he leaves his marriage I'm not an option. But the truth is I'm just not ready to completely let go yet and seeing him and interacting with him brought it all front and center. I'm hoping maybe he'll say or do something to put the final nail in the A coffin. If I get disgusted over the situation enough times surely I'll eventually walk away for good.

Just wanted to add my sad failure to the others to show that no matter how much we "know" the right thing to do and know the reality of the situation, the addiction is so very hard to break. 5 weeks NC and 10 weeks of not actually seeing each other all down the drain.

I'm still determined to move forward and focus on healthier relationships but this was a disappointing setback.
Knowing and doing are 2 different things. I only lasted 2 day NC...but I feel the relationship is over. We just can't let it go completely. We are hanging on by a thread. I just sent my MM a text that probably will be the straw that breaks the camels back. He will probably break up with me. At this point I dont care. But that's right now, in this moment and I will probably feel very different tonight or tomorrow which is when he will read the text. It is what it is. I'm im sorry you fell off the wagon. Im in no place to judge. Most people in this forum are not. .

Last edited by Lehcar1012; Yesterday at 8:41 PM.. Reason: Spelling
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