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Does it ever work out?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 30th December 2017, 8:55 PM   #1
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Question Does it ever work out?

I haven't been on here long so forgive me for what might be repeated but I couldn't find anything similar.

I am a married woman of almost 20 years. We have 2 handicapped children and he was my college sweetheart. Our marriage has been dead for years. He wouldn't say so. I am on a pedestal to him. I've tried to express my displeasure but he's just ignored me, even attempts for going to counseling. A couple of years ago, I ended up pregnant again at 40. Because of my health and the kids, We decided to terminate. It was my final straw that told me I was done but was too gutless to leave then as I thought I was just depressed (I did get on meds which helped my mood, not my feelings.

3 months ago, I got desperate for what I thought was missing in my marriage. A great lover and someone to have fun with. I went on an affair website and met another mm 12 years my senior. I'm head over heels, as it sounds happens often. He is in a sexless marriage and say he wants to leave. He seems serious but maybe they all do.

So, how do we begin to untangle if it does with being as kind as possible or am completely in fantasyland?
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Old 30th December 2017, 9:59 PM   #2
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It's not 100% impossible... but the thing is, it's not just your lover who's married. You're married too.

Are you leaving? And if so, why haven't you done it already?

MM having affairs with MW often choose them because they expect the MW is also afraid to really leave and will be happy with just the fun parts of the affair without expecting him to uproot himself from his relationship and family.

If you are definitely Done in your marriage, just file for divorce, whether your current lover does or not. Even if he chickens out and sticks with his wife, once you're NOT married you will find it a lot easier to attract a new boyfriend who's on the up-and-up.
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Old 30th December 2017, 10:19 PM   #3
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I know a couple that have worked out long-term, meaning through the divorces and years beyond, but it's tricky. The best example of determination was the MW who integrated herself firmly into the target's business, becoming essentially his controller, if you know what that means in business, then going to work on the other parts. It took a long time, a lot of hard work and finally at the end bringing me in as some competition (not that I'd have a chance but he didn't know that) and that sealed the deal. He integrated her into the business, they bought a house together and have been living as such ever since, closing in on ten years now. That's my most obvious success story. Two infidelity pros who know all the tricks and make that mix work for them. If your MM is a pro, watch out. They eat amateurs for lunch. BTDT enough times to know.

There's a big world out there and you're in the prime of your life. If the M is dead, have a funeral, grieve it and move on. The lady in my story did after about 22 years and hooked up with the MM during the D and went to work on him and took about ten years to get the deal done. She had two kids and he two and they were all grown by the time it was finished. I kinda chuckled meeting her adult daughter whom I hadn't seen since she was two. Busy gal mom was.

Up to you. I personally think you'd be healthier and happier ending your M if it's not working and then moving on in life. Plenty of people do that. It's not as exciting perhaps but when you get to my age and look back was the excitement worth it? IDK. Good luck!
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Old 31st December 2017, 1:32 AM   #4
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Before you entertain the idea of finding a new flame, I just want to know if your husband has been treating you well. If he has, you might want to consider something first.

You should realize that the butterflies in your stomach, the excitement of romance--the flames of passion or whatever else you call it--that comes from being in love will inevitably fade away. It does not matter how much you love each other or how much fun you have or had in the beginning, eventually, things will settle down like they were never even there to begin with. All relationships follow this same path. This is where you are at right now. Even if you jump ship to a new relationship with more fun and excitement, that relationship will eventually go the same way. No flame burn forever, and like a flame, it will eventually turn into dying embers.

However, there is one thing that you do get after all those years being together. You learn to understand and appreciate the person that you have been with for so long. All that you have been through together and all that you have done for each other culminates into a special bond that only the two of you understand. If you have not gotten there, though, then one can only say that it was not meant to be, but if you do find a new ship, then just know you will just be repeating this all over again.

With that out of the way, you should take a blitzkrieg approach if you are serious about this and want to move on. Start the divorce paper work, bring up the conversation without notice, and do not give him a chance to convince you otherwise. No choices, no ultimatums, just sign and get started.

Of course, you have children. CHILDREN! So your divorce is not exactly going to be quick and swift. You may be court ordered into marriage counseling--which is something you may want to consider beforehand anyway--, and then there is the potential custody battle and asset split. It may take well over a year to get everything done, but the sooner you start the better. If you are serious, do not think about it too much and just do it. The more you think, the more you will just question yourself.
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Old 31st December 2017, 1:44 AM   #5
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If "we" decided to abort, why was that your final straw?

Ok, as for MM. You met the guy on some Ashley Madison type website and you honestly believe he is seriously considering leaving his marriage? I would bet your like number 39.

It's a poor investment to say the least, kinda like playing the lottery to set up your retirement plan. Not to mention, you've known this guy for weeks.
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Old 31st December 2017, 1:54 AM   #6
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Your other man is a cheater and he's not going to take on two of your kids.

This fairy tale has no chance. It just is what it is.

You should wake up to reality.
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Old 31st December 2017, 2:17 AM   #7
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YOu have two handicapped children??

What is supposed to happen to them in all this ?

Poppy
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Old 31st December 2017, 3:57 AM   #8
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Yes, it's fantasy land.

Divorce your H first. Then start making it clear you expect your MM to be divorce and free to date you. Then you'll see if he's serious about what he's saying or just a common liar in an affair.

First things first - take care of your kids. But divorce your husband since you're no longer interested in his feelings.
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Old 31st December 2017, 4:53 AM   #9
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j1234,

Quote:
Does it ever work out?
It depends what you mean by "work out"?

I know of men who cheated on their wives and went on to marry their AP. In all cases the man left the marriage a couple of months after meeting the AP.

I don't know of any women who left a marriage for an AP and ended up marrying them. In all cases the AP refused to have her kids living with them and that was the stumbling block and we are talking about able-bodied kids here, not handicapped ones who need care 24/7.

It takes a special kind of man to raise someone else's healthy children, never mind if they have special needs. And you won't find such a man on an affair website.

Quote:
or am completely in fantasyland?
Yes, you're in fantasyland.
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Old 31st December 2017, 6:38 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Arieswoman View Post
j1234,

It depends what you mean by "work out"?

I know of men who cheated on their wives and went on to marry their AP. In all cases the man left the marriage a couple of months after meeting the AP.

I don't know of any women who left a marriage for an AP and ended up marrying them. In all cases the AP refused to have her kids living with them and that was the stumbling block and we are talking about able-bodied kids here, not handicapped ones who need care 24/7.

It takes a special kind of man to raise someone else's healthy children, never mind if they have special needs. And you won't find such a man on an affair website.

Yes, you're in fantasyland.

Honey, you are in worse than fantasyland. In case you have not realized it, you come with a little baggage, like two handicapped children. Right now your Prince Charming boyfriend gets to have all the sex he wants and your real husband deals with the rest.
If you do the research you will find out how low the percentage of successful relationships there are borne out of infidelity. So yup, it can work out, but the big boys in Las Vegas would not. Bet on your odds.
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Old 31st December 2017, 6:46 AM   #11
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So the other man is willing to cheat on his wife *a winner*

Also

Right now all he's getting is sex and you are getting the escape but will he be there for your 2 kids. during the bad times, when they are sick. You say your marriage is dead and your husband puts you on a pedestal and yet he still feels that way whilst bringing up two disabled kids?

Why not divorce then you can go out and do whatever you please instead of the inevitable drama this is going to bring because I can't imagine how you'll keep finding excuses to leave the kids with your husband while you run off for the "fun"?

I imagine it will be even worse if your husband finds out what you've been doing whilst he's been taking care of the family.
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Old 31st December 2017, 7:03 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by J1234 View Post
3 months ago, I got desperate for what I thought was missing in my marriage. A great lover and someone to have fun with. I went on an affair website and met another mm 12 years my senior. I'm head over heels, as it sounds happens often. He is in a sexless marriage and say he wants to leave. He seems serious but maybe they all do.
You did not meet on the beach, or in a park walking dogs or at the supermarket, at the sports club, at work or even on OLD, you met on an affair site.
YOU met a man specifically looking for an affair (with a married woman to boot) and now you want to turn him into husband material...
How do you really think that will go?

Quote:
My perspective- as a serial cheat.
...I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.
Shocker
At the moment you have a husband willing to put you on a pedestal, a man willing to provide for your handicapped kids, do you really think this cheater will do that?

Time to count your blessings, and start thinking with your brain, before it all turns into a complete mess.
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Old 31st December 2017, 8:43 AM   #13
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So here we go again...

So here we go again...

To answer your question, affairs almost never workout long term. Further, as others have said, you met your new lover on an affair web site.

The odds of this working out are almost 0%, no matter how much you think you are in love. I assure you that he is not in love with you, contrary to what he is telling you.

Does it EVER work out? Yes, just not very often.

Now, let's talk about you. 20 year marriage, husband puts you on a pedestal, 2 handicapped children. Yes, you have it bad...

I am guessing that your husband makes most of the money in the family, or are you able to work with 2 special needs kids?

I am sure that he is abusive to you, and he is not good in bed at all.

If you have the courage, I do wish you would answer those questions.

Now, you realize don't you, the great sex that you are having, is AFFAIR sex. In general, affair sex is really good because 1) it is forbidden affair sex, 2) usually, the male is a player, so he should know what he is doing in the bedroom, or he would not be much of a player, now would he??? 3) For women like you, the sex may have died in the marriage and now you have a stud that wants to bang you all the time.

Notice that I did not say that the sex was great because you two are in love, because you are not.

So, OK your marriage is dead. If that is really true, then just get a divorce.

Why not have the ethics to end it before your husband finds out about your affair. Why destroy a man that puts you on a pedestal and loves you the way that he does? Because the other thing that you don't realize, among all the other things that you are clueless about, is just how destructive affairs are. Why put your husband through that?

Please listen to what everyone is telling you. You probably won't, because most cheaters don't. But the people at LS really know the damage affairs do to everyone involved, it would benefit you to listen.
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Old 31st December 2017, 9:25 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
If "we" decided to abort, why was that your final straw?

Ok, as for MM. You met the guy on some Ashley Madison type website and you honestly believe he is seriously considering leaving his marriage? I would bet your like number 39.

It's a poor investment to say the least, kinda like playing the lottery to set up your retirement plan. Not to mention, you've known this guy for weeks.

I donít usually agree with you but this is spot on. Itís not like the guy was a work friend. He was on a site to meet women for no strings sex. That pretty much sums it up
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Old 31st December 2017, 9:59 AM   #15
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Do you really want it to work?

OP I think the question you should be asking yourself is do you even really want it to work.. this is a fantasy and escape from all the pressures that you are surely under with your kids and your husband etc.. it's an outlet for now, you uprooting your kids and changing your life should be because you need to regardless of this new person. A good point that someone made to me is that this person hasn't seen you sick, on your bad days etc and the same for you with him. Don't make a decision that is going to impact your whole family on someone else do it for yourself.
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