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Affair with cop and abusive


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Old 26th December 2017, 7:30 PM   #1
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Affair with cop and abusive

I am married. My spouse has a substance abuse problem. One night he was high (mind you we are I guess upper middle class) and he tried to choke me and I threw things. It was messy. It was common
But I had to leave in an angry rage. I went into a mini panic attack and was fed up and on my way to the hospital my psych told me to visit. But...I needes gas. There was a cop, I just instinctually asked for help. I was crying. He asked where I lived. It is a rich neighborhood so he looked surprised ans asked to come. He mediated it. Then he took my info including my number but it seemed legit.

A month later he texts me to see how I am. I that him. At first I thought it was a nice gesture. Then he starts flirting. I ignored it but still talked bwcause I thought having a cop as a friend would be nice.

My husband got into a lot of trouble. I was scared to death. So I called this cop to ask what may be going on, to help explain basically...what exactly happens when you are arrested. Yes....I am divorcing my husband. After that call he talked to me nightly. Was there for me any time I needed it. And I fell for him. Hard. But then it hit me...he only talked to me at night...on duty. I asked if he was married and he said...sadly yes.

I should have walked away. But I was so depressed and so already in love and felt some obligation that he helped me so I did not stop.

Over the course of 6 months we seen each other and when his wife went to work he started asking me to come over. Yes, we had sex in their bed. It was odd seeing her things. He said he did not care and I was his 4th affair in 25 years.

Then....he started to get jealous. Accused me of sleeping with other men. Tried to tell me how to dress. Got mad when I smoked weed and seen my friends. All things that were OK at first. He called me names, said I should kill myself, would cut off communication then open it back up. I would every time forgive him.

The night he told me he was glad I was molested because I made him angry I e mailed his wife. I did it because I was scares of him. I wanted her to know I existed. I felt like if he did this to me he did this to her. She had tried to kill herself once...I know why. He retaliated by telling my husband who automatically said I was a victim all along. I agreed.

And then I still went back. He apologized. He was ok. He was better than before. We made love and it was as real as it could seem. We went to dinner and were seen in public.

Then....the abuse happened again. This time I said no. I distanced myself for weeks. Around thanksgiving the wife started an EPO...but it got dismissed. He said he tried to kill himself. Yesterday I spoke to just be nice at Christmas. We fought. He became abusive. I told him there was no love left in me. And the nice man I fell for was not real and I was tired of chasing a ghost. He then called me every name one can think of ans blocked me.

Today I took a hoodie that he let me wear and a sentimental piece of jewelry I purchased as a set...one for him...one for me...and put it in the postal. I put an old return address and just my last maiden name in case his wife got it. I then had to use an online messenger app to get around his block to just give him a heads up to check his mail tomorrow.

He then said...I could not hate you more, why send that to my house? Now I have to explain that. I laughed. And I said....you made love to me in your wife's bed and act worried about a package? I never wanted to see you again and I did not want a reminder of you so I sent it back.

I feel like I was victimized. I could hurt his job but he retires soon. Also...I am 21 years younger than the wife. I am 16 younger than him. I will never be a mistress again. I cannot tell if he loved me or is a narcissistic sociopath and can pull it off. Idk if he felt trapped by his wife holding money and a house over him but loved me. All I know is I feel like a victim. I thought the mistress was not a victim. Sending the things postal helped me. It was like...the final goodbye. I only miss how he made me feel safe. I think it was his age and occupation. Because there is nothing safe about this man.

Sharing my story. I would like insight. But I don't need advice since he is gone. Also, I off and on wasted 6 months of my life believing he may leave her. Men do not. I am glad it was only 6 months.

Last edited by Jenn83; 26th December 2017 at 7:36 PM..
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Old 26th December 2017, 7:38 PM   #2
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I only miss how he made me feel safe. I think it was his age and occupation. Because there is nothing safe about this man.
I've heard so many stories of women abused by their cop husbands or boyfriends that it would make me terrified to ever date one. You have to have a lot of "bravado" to be a cop in the first place, which often goes with other personality disorders (i.e. narcissism) so I guess it makes sense.....my exH would have been a really good cop.....

(Excuse my armchair psych. diagnosis, as it's just my opinion, I'm sure some of you read this are nice cops. I do know two of them in real life).

Sorry this happened to you. I hope you are able to heal and eventually find a man to treat you like you deserve to be treated.
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Old 26th December 2017, 7:48 PM   #3
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I've heard so many stories of women abused by their cop husbands or boyfriends that it would make me terrified to ever date one. You have to have a lot of "bravado" to be a cop in the first place, which often goes with other personality disorders (i.e. narcissism) so I guess it makes sense.....my exH would have been a really good cop.....

(Excuse my armchair psych. diagnosis, as it's just my opinion, I'm sure some of you read this are nice cops. I do know two of them in real life).

Sorry this happened to you. I hope you are able to heal and eventually find a man to treat you like you deserve to be treated.
I do believe cops are abusers. Mind you, I shot back the verbal assaults. He never touched me. I am a fighter, but even if I am not submissive, I was abused. He tried to hold me under his thumb and I believe his outbursts and jealous rage was the result of me not letting him. And talking back.

The EPO was for busting through a door on Thanksgiving during a fight with the wife at his sons house. His son has since said to him he has no father. I never got the scoop on exactly what transpired. But the wife dropped the EPO. I know in my heart it should have stuck. He said he tried to kill himself that night. And accused me of not caring. In a way I didn't. And in a way I thought he needed narcissistic supply. And in a way I wanted to report a possible attempt. But...I kept quiet and he is here today. Alive.

He is not suicidal.

While my returning the items in what I feel is the safest and most mature way, I am smiling inside at the fact he may be faced with the delimma of having to explain it. The wife is a teacher and this is break. She will be home. In a way....I hope he has to go sleep in a hotel, again. In a way I hope he opens it and realizes he can no longer get his supply from me. He will probably find a dispatcher. But whatever. She won't be as young or as pretty. As bad as it sounds to say...I am a beautiful woman at nearly 35 and at 51...time is not his friend. His loss. And the wife....I feel sorry for her. I am glad he did not leave her for me. I would now have this thing on my shoulders. .

Last edited by Jenn83; 26th December 2017 at 7:56 PM..
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Old 26th December 2017, 9:49 PM   #4
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I'd say you are looking for trouble and should be very very careful.

You were happily the mistress to a self confessed serial cheat.... he knows the law and can play the system.

Just stay away from him/His wife and rebuild your life.

You are refusing to accept responsibility....you slept in his marital bed willingly. That's on you.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:04 PM   #5
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You should’ve thrown that hoodie and piece of jewelry in a garbage instead of sending to him and opening yourself up to more insults.

Please never speak to this awful man again and seek therapy.
You mentioned being molested - people who were victims of abuse, subconsciously keep seeking abuse as adults.

You need to identify your behavioral patterns that sabotage your happiness and recreate the hell of your past.
Best wishes. That’s really is an ugly story.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:22 PM   #6
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You had an unhealthy abusive marriage and then you had an unhealthy abusive affair. I suspect that if you got involved with another man right now he would also be defective or abusive in some way. This is about you not them. They could be any random abusive men, the problem is some innate part of you is drawn to abusive men. You like drama and stirring the pot. There was no reason for mailing anything to his house. You could have just thrown that stuff out but you wanted to stir the pot and enjoy some more dysfunctional drama. I think you need to be completely single for a few years while you get counseling and deal with unresolved issues
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:29 PM   #7
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You had an unhealthy abusive marriage and then you had an unhealthy abusive affair. I suspect that if you got involved with another man right now he would also be defective or abusive in some way. This is about you not them. You like drama and stirring the pot.

I think you need to be completely single for a few years while you get counseling and deal with unresolved issues
This. I struggled in responding to your post, because I feel badly that you have been abuused and hurt. But, what I don't see in your post is any kind of personal responsibility or remorse, for the choices that you have made that have contributed to these very unhealthy and abusive relationships. I think you have a lot of soul searching and learning to do. I hope that you het that with counselling. Good luck.

Last edited by BaileyB; 26th December 2017 at 10:32 PM..
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:32 PM   #8
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I do believe cops are abusers. Mind you, I shot back the verbal assaults. He never touched me. I am a fighter, but even if I am not submissive, I was abused. He tried to hold me under his thumb and I believe his outbursts and jealous rage was the result of me not letting him. And talking back.

The EPO was for busting through a door on Thanksgiving during a fight with the wife at his sons house. His son has since said to him he has no father. I never got the scoop on exactly what transpired. But the wife dropped the EPO. I know in my heart it should have stuck. He said he tried to kill himself that night. And accused me of not caring. In a way I didn't. And in a way I thought he needed narcissistic supply. And in a way I wanted to report a possible attempt. But...I kept quiet and he is here today. Alive.

He is not suicidal.

While my returning the items in what I feel is the safest and most mature way, I am smiling inside at the fact he may be faced with the delimma of having to explain it. The wife is a teacher and this is break. She will be home. In a way....I hope he has to go sleep in a hotel, again. In a way I hope he opens it and realizes he can no longer get his supply from me. He will probably find a dispatcher. But whatever. She won't be as young or as pretty. As bad as it sounds to say...I am a beautiful woman at nearly 35 and at 51...time is not his friend. His loss. And the wife....I feel sorry for her. I am glad he did not leave her for me. I would now have this thing on my shoulders. .
Who cares that you're beautiful if you keep getting into relationships with losers? Beauty is worthless if you don't have something of substance to back it up. Beauty can be a curse to women who are mentally or emotionally unhealthy because they make poor choices in men. So far your beauty isn't doing you much good.
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Old 27th December 2017, 12:50 AM   #9
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Wow thanks for blaming me for being abused. I walked away. And he wanted the item back anyway.

I am not afraid of "the law" and I do not speak to the wife. It is not a crime, last I checked, to have an affair or send a shirt to it's rightful owner to avoid meeting.

No, I do not attract abusive men. Of all the men I have been with these two are the only two. The rest were fine.

I do not need counseling, they do.

Do I feel bad about having sex with a man in his marital bed? No. Because it is his house too and he wanted me there. I am not the cause of his marital problems. Those existed long before me.

I have walked away. I did it with dignity. He has his belongings and no reason to contact me. Also, every text and photo for the last 6 months is backed up on the cloud. All I have to do is report it and he is fired. You cannot pursue women you meet on a domestic call and then do.....all this. And he definitely does not want that. In fact, he is paranoid that I have them. So no....to me he is just a man who cheats and happens to be a cop.

I do see a therapist. I am not dysfunctional due to molestation. I auffer from major depression and suicidal ideology. But not because of that. It is just because.....depression. And frankly, most people who do not experience major psychological problems cannot handle nor do they want...us.

Last edited by Jenn83; 27th December 2017 at 12:56 AM..
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Old 27th December 2017, 1:15 AM   #10
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The most disturbing part of this to me is that he chose you because your husband was abusing you and he's in a position to do this to other women trying to get away from their abusers.
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Old 27th December 2017, 1:49 AM   #11
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Nobody is blaming you for being abused. If you felt that way, I am truly sorry.

What we were trying to say is, you share some responsibility for becoming involved in a very inappropriate relationship with a married man. It is not a crime, no. But, it is also not a very good decision.

I agree with grays, the most disturbing thing about the whole thing is how he is in a position of authority, knew you were a vulnerable person (because of your abusive marriage), and took advantage of you anyway... This is a truly terrible man.
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Old 27th December 2017, 3:30 AM   #12
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Nobody is blaming you for being abused. If you felt that way, I am truly sorry.

What we were trying to say is, you share some responsibility for becoming involved in a very inappropriate relationship with a married man. It is not a crime, no. But, it is also not a very good decision.

I agree with grays, the most disturbing thing about the whole thing is how he is in a position of authority, knew you were a vulnerable person (because of your abusive marriage), and took advantage of you anyway... This is a truly terrible man.
This.

My husband and I said the same thing. Now here is the strange part.

About a month in he realized I used non suicidal self harm to deal with depression when I cannot feel emotions. It shocks me back in a way...the physical pain reminds me I am a human and not some devoid of emotion robot.

He disclosed to me he has done the same for years and showed me the scars. One was very fresh. He then told me he suffers from major depression and PTSD.

Now when at times I am depressed and cannot feel empathy I can be very cruel. So I wonder if there is more than just an abuser. The problem is that we seem to both be verbally abusive but in our own way. An argument starts and snowballs. He disclosed to me that my temper scares him and I am a ticking time bomb. I have been on antipsychotics before for anger management. I come from a hot headed family.

And for the record...I have processes rhe abuse. It was NOT A family member thank goodness. That is done and over. But making light of it is bothersome. But I have forgiven but not forgotten and even wrote a letter to my abuser under guidance of my therapist in order to, in my way, say what I wanted to say but never knew how. So please....my abuse then is nothing to do with these two men.

Last edited by Jenn83; 27th December 2017 at 3:37 AM..
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Old 27th December 2017, 3:43 AM   #13
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Basically I wanted to share a story of how an affair was a nightmare. Do I condone or denounce affairs? No. Personally I would like a swinger lifestyle. I think it is ok to sleep with other people.

Unfortunately swingers tend to be pervs and serial cheaters tend to be abusive or mentally ill.

As a person who suffers from depression, and I have seen his pills, we frequently discuss our long list of past prescriptions, I tend to be more sympathetic. I know how hard struggling with mental health can be. I even got him to see a very good doctor for it that mine recommended. So....this thing is very complicated and not black and white.
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Old 27th December 2017, 4:37 AM   #14
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You weren’t victimized. You willfully participated in both your marriage and the affair.

You’re looking for an excuse and a way to avoid responsibility, but you’re not a victim.

And ... others are right in that nobody cares how beautiful you think you are and that you eventually left. You still have the habit of making very bad choices. Then looking for a way to deny you made those choices.
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Old 27th December 2017, 6:11 AM   #15
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This speaks volumes about you as a person.

Do I feel bad about having sex with a man in his marital bed? No. Because it is his house too and he wanted me there.

You have serious issues if that feels okay for you.

Many people in your position haven't been scared of their AP ... doesn't prevent harm from coming to them.

This man Is a sleaze..you attract such men no matter what you say.

I think your experiences have made you lack empathy for anyone.

Eexample..So a man has had 10 mistresses... you think being number 11 is no issue .... because his marriage already had issues. No issue to you and him...his wife? Forget about her ..who is she right!

You need to be on your own for a while.
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