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3 years of waiting...for nothing


lookingforclosure

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lookingforclosure

I was on here in 2015 after I was dumped by my MM after a 2 year affair. He claimed to want to do the right thing and try to make the marriage work for his children. I was devastated

He popped in and out of my life for the last 3 years..every couple months. He still cared and loved me, but was trying for the kids.

He contacted me in June stating the counseling had stopped because it wasn't going anywhere and the wife wasn't making any effort to reconcile..she has been living separate from him since 7/2015.

 

So in August after a couple of months of silence my Mom was sick, almost died in the hospital and he popped up again. So i asked him straight out what the deal was...why did he keep doing this to me. He said he still loved me and cared about me and didn't want me out of his life. To have faith that we had a future together

 

Well he has decided to finally file for divorce and take off that wedding band...unfortunately his feelings must have drastically changed over the last 4 months. He wouldn't answer any texts or calls from me. And he even told my best friend that he was letting the wife go, but he didn't know what to say to me...he didn't want me to think we would get back together right away...

 

Well he went on a date with another woman whom he "like a lot" according to my friend. He told her this after talking about me on Thursday. I don't understand. He knew I was waiting for him...yet he chose to take that ring off for someone else

 

I feel sick :(

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It may not feel like it but you are dodging a huge bullet here. You deserve far better than what little he has given you.

 

Let this other woman who he apparently likes a lot deal with a man who cheats and strings women along.

 

You deserve a man who loves you to the sky’s limit. Who texts and answers your calls. Who is man enough to tell you what you need to hear rather than tiptoeing around and telling your best friend. You deserve to be the only woman in someone’s life. Not someone he hides in the shadows and strings along for his own ego boost.

 

Don’t see it as her winning. See it as you winning.

Don’t wait. Don’t be available to him when he contacts you again.

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It may not feel like it but you are dodging a huge bullet here. You deserve far better than what little he has given you.

 

Let this other woman who he apparently likes a lot deal with a man who cheats and strings women along.

 

You deserve a man who loves you to the sky’s limit. Who texts and answers your calls. Who is man enough to tell you what you need to hear rather than tiptoeing around and telling your best friend. You deserve to be the only woman in someone’s life. Not someone he hides in the shadows and strings along for his own ego boost.

 

Don’t see it as her winning. See it as you winning.

Don’t wait. Don’t be available to him when he contacts you again.

 

 

You know women don’t like that ! They want excitement!!

 

That’s why she’s still there even thought you are right

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You need to move on.

 

First, you don't want him right now. He's in the midst of a divorce, and his life is in complete upheaval. He may like the girl he's dating, but she's a rebound girl. Once they get through the divorce, what will they have? Nothing, she's just an emotional tampon.

 

Second, He needs to be alone, not monkey branching into a relationship with you.

You may love him and waited for him and probably feel hoodwinked. You have been.

 

Lose him and his number. Trust me, you don't need to join that circus, plus, he's going to be broke from the child support/alimony.

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You definitely dodged bullet here...

 

Don't waste another moment of your time on this man, not a single second more! This should be the impetuous for you to cut him out of your life completely - forever! He has taken enough from you already...

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I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must be awful. My heart goes out to you.

 

Don’t think he didn’t care about you. He most likely did, maybe it was even love, or infatuation. However, oftentimes, after an LT-A, as soon as the married person finally pushes through with D, they also find it hard to turn that EMA into a real R. I’m sure you have a history with him that not only consists of sunshine, bliss and unicorns. I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of arguments, due to his indecisiveness for a very long time. By getting a brand new R with a brand new person, your separated/divorced MM can now start over fresh, or so he thinks, without any bad memories.

 

If you’re still in love with him, wait it out, but don’t stop your life (try to date if you have the energy), maybe he’ll find his way back. Maybe he’ll miss you.

 

Or: Maybe not. Maybe you were only the crutch for him that helped him out of the M. Classic exit affair! But who knows.......he may just want to spread his wings and try other options, before he settles down yet again. If he reaches out, it’s you who will be in the driver’s seat; maybe you’ll be over it by then, or too proud to give in, or too angry, etc.

 

Right now you’re devastated and probably heartbroken, and I’m sorry. It’s a crappy feeling. I would advise you to give it time and not reach out for now. Since he apparently knows your friend(s), he might learn through them, that you’re just fine, living your life. That, if nothing else, might open his eyes.

 

Good luck and hang in there!

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The others are right. You'd definitely dodge a bullet if you closed the door on that chapter of your life forever. If you ever feel tempted to "reconnect" with him or get "closure", just remember this. In his eyes, your role in his life is clearly defined and is not likely to change. If it was, it would have happened years ago, so stop giving him any more of your time.

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It's rare when the MM leaves his wife that he partners up with his affair person. Maybe it brings about bad memories that lead him to divorce IDK. We read this a lot that when they finally leave the marriage they move on to a brand new person.

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I was on here in 2015 after I was dumped by my MM after a 2 year affair. He claimed to want to do the right thing and try to make the marriage work for his children. I was devastated

He popped in and out of my life for the last 3 years..every couple months. He still cared and loved me, but was trying for the kids.

He contacted me in June stating the counseling had stopped because it wasn't going anywhere and the wife wasn't making any effort to reconcile..she has been living separate from him since 7/2015.

 

So in August after a couple of months of silence my Mom was sick, almost died in the hospital and he popped up again. So i asked him straight out what the deal was...why did he keep doing this to me. He said he still loved me and cared about me and didn't want me out of his life. To have faith that we had a future together

 

Well he has decided to finally file for divorce and take off that wedding band...unfortunately his feelings must have drastically changed over the last 4 months. He wouldn't answer any texts or calls from me. And he even told my best friend that he was letting the wife go, but he didn't know what to say to me...he didn't want me to think we would get back together right away...

 

Well he went on a date with another woman whom he "like a lot" according to my friend. He told her this after talking about me on Thursday. I don't understand. He knew I was waiting for him...yet he chose to take that ring off for someone else

 

I feel sick :(

 

I am so sorry. However, this is an important turning point for you and now you have the opportunity to re-focus on you and your own life. Aside from him, what do you want for yourself?

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How hurt you must be feeling.

 

I notice he kept popping into your life because HE didn't want to lose you. It didn't relate to how much it put you into emotional turmoil.

 

He's a selfish Ahole.

 

Pick are going to find a single man who will return your loyalty one day.

 

Poppy.

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I was on here in 2015 after I was dumped by my MM after a 2 year affair. He claimed to want to do the right thing and try to make the marriage work for his children. I was devastated

He popped in and out of my life for the last 3 years..every couple months. He still cared and loved me, but was trying for the kids.

He contacted me in June stating the counseling had stopped because it wasn't going anywhere and the wife wasn't making any effort to reconcile..she has been living separate from him since 7/2015.

 

So in August after a couple of months of silence my Mom was sick, almost died in the hospital and he popped up again. So i asked him straight out what the deal was...why did he keep doing this to me. He said he still loved me and cared about me and didn't want me out of his life. To have faith that we had a future together

 

Well he has decided to finally file for divorce and take off that wedding band...unfortunately his feelings must have drastically changed over the last 4 months. He wouldn't answer any texts or calls from me. And he even told my best friend that he was letting the wife go, but he didn't know what to say to me...he didn't want me to think we would get back together right away...

 

Well he went on a date with another woman whom he "like a lot" according to my friend. He told her this after talking about me on Thursday. I don't understand. He knew I was waiting for him...yet he chose to take that ring off for someone else

 

I feel sick :(

 

They almost always never start a new relationship with the OW after the marriage is over. Read around on here. It happens more often than not. These type of men can't stay faithful so they are always lurking for something new. You wouldn't want to settle down with a cheater anyways. Just be glad the bullet is dodging you.

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Hi,

 

My heart goes out to you. I felt your pain reading your words because I wrote/thought of those very same words. The thought that at the end, when you’re supposed to be together, they end up with somebody else...it’s...devastating...especially when you’ve been there for them. It just seems so unfair to see them walk off into this new no drama relationship while you’re left standing wonder what just happened.

 

 

Just off few sentences you wrote it sounds to me that your “man” is narcissistic. He has no empathy towards your feelings nor does he understand how all this affects you. He can’t take 5min out of his life and end it with you like a man, thank you maybe even? Even that hurts but at least you know there’s an honest person in them if they ended it in a nice way.

 

Instead he’s playing games...again no care or feelings what you just went thru because of him.

 

I recommend you research narcissism. If you think your partner falls in that category then start watching some videos on YouTube.

 

At the end of the day, no matter how hard, unfair, crushing, confusing it is...he actually did you a favor by giving you space to realize what a POS he is so you can eject him outta your life forever.

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HI Looking for closure,

 

I have to agree with the last poster.

 

You MM sounds like a narcissist.

 

There is a website called Narcsite. It is owned by a self confessed narcissist. He tells it from his perspective.

 

It is worth a read. It is very straight forward about how a narcissist thinks.

 

Poppy.

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lookingforclosure

He decided to text me even though I told him there was no need to contact me at all period

 

This is what I received

 

Well, hello to you too. I’ve made some conscious decisions to change some things in my life lately and meeting someone else was not even in the cards. You know full well how people just pop into your life sometimes with no effort other than chance. When A asked me how my week was going, as she often does, I told her some things in confidence and now know that was betrayed, though don’t know why she felt the need to run and immediately tell you anything. Here’s the thing. We once had something that was special and could have been long-lasting. I still care how your life turns out and that you ultimately find contentment, joy, and the long-lasting love you deserve. Whether that’s with a man or no one but yourself, up to you. The timing for us was bad (obviously) and you held out hope, knowing full well, for several years now that I believed the right thing to do was to repair my marriage and restore my family. I’ve tried and is the reason I couldn’t rightfully have any relationship with you or any effort I was making along the way with my marriage would have never worked with you in the picture. You knew that and took that risk in stride. I never would have waited this long thinking my marriage was salvageable if I had a crystal ball. I’ve put my life on hold in a number of areas and am DONE doing that. 2018 is going to be a much different year for me. I hope it is for you too. You may never forgive me....but honestly, what if you never heard anything from me for another 6 months, a year, two years? Were you really going to keep holding out for me for much longer had you not heard a peep from others about my life or if I had gotten back with K? There’s no reason you couldn’t have at least dated someone here or there to see if there was someone else right out there for you. I feel guilty, yet you have always been fully in control of your life and feelings. I feel sure you’ve had that opportunity on more than one occasion the last 3 years and it was always your choice to pursue that or not. YOU have chosen to not accept the invitations to date other guys, if that is in fact the case which I’m almost certain has happened. There’s no way I have had any kind of hold on you preventing you to at least explore other options. I will never take for granted what we had. It was special despite the bad timing as I said previously, however I don’t see how we could ever get back what we’ve lost. Don’t hate me for that. I haven’t worked out details of how I’m going to resolve my old life at this time and while I will be navigating things carefully, certainly don’t want you to get your hopes up that we can ever be a thing. I’ve prayed for you to find someone and that you would forget about me. You are an independent girl and have long since been on your feet after the Eric disaster. Please....never be beholden to me or another man for your contentment and joy. We constantly disappoint.

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I notice he kept popping into your life because HE didn't want to lose you. It didn't relate to how much it put you into emotional turmoil.

 

Looking for Closure, I have had this ^ very same problem, unfortunately. Doesn't matter what I want or what I said I needed and wanted; he does what he wants. Your thread makes me angry for you and for me!

 

All I can say about your last post is Wow. He could've saved that text message.

All I read was, "Well, Looking for Closure, it was your own fault. I told you what was what, and you should have known, despite me constantly coming in and out of your life (at points where you might've gotten over me), that we could not possibly ever have anything real. I meant for you to forget me (even though I made this damn near impossible)! Why didn't you accept other men and move on???????? That is clearly what I wanted (even though my actions never matched my words)! I am realizing you are a fool (because you wanted me and loved me and cared about me...because I encouraged it). I couldn't possibly have any future at all with someone who feels anything for me, because I am actually undeserving of such effort. I have and will disappoint (I did expect you to be psychic)!"

 

I think you should write a response in this thread. If you haven't, do NOT respond to him! You already texted him not to contact you, and the aforementioned was his response to your request! Block him, you may actually need to change your number. Tell your friend not to talk about him to you EVER AGAIN. I am so MAD!

Edited by Vivir
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lookingforclosure

@Vivir

 

When I found out about the date I was livid...He had told my friend only the day before how he had been an ass and had ignored me, and that he just didn't know what to say to me. I was a good woman and deserved better than him and He didn't want me to think we could get back together "right now" (yes he actually said that 24 hours before he announced his date with someone he really likes I might add) and that he's went out with before...I guess while he was ghosting me these past 4 months. I called him and he didn't answer so I sent him a text...and this is what I had written him

 

"I tried to call you yet again no answer...you've made me feel like an idiot...I believed you still cared and loved me yet was trying to make your marriage work for your children. Telling me to have faith that we had the possibility of something. Knowing full and well I've held on to that, waiting for you. You've popped in and out of my life for 2 years and you don't know what to say to me? How about manning up and being honest instead of taking the cowards way out and using my friend as your delivery service. There's no need to apologize to me because it wouldn't be coming from a sincere place.It's obvious I didn't mean to you what you meant to me, so there's no need to contact me at all period"

 

He went ahead and blocked me on Instagram last night, yet apparently doesn't realize I have twitter...or he's keeping it open for mind games, who knows...I deactivated mine now

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I am so sorry, Looking for Closure. You said what you said; he said what he said... so, let it be finished. It is my opinion that he cannot deal with you, because you conjure up guilty feelings in him. He KNOWS for a fact that what he did to you and with you is so very sub par. He knows FOR A FACT that he would never have let it get this far if the shoe had been on the other foot... and if he had... he would NEVER forgive you if you had done to him what he has done to you.

 

Imagine yourself cutting those ties. And then bury the frayed ends in cement.

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(((lookingforclosure)))

 

This thread is heartbreaking to read. You have cleary suffered so much over the past years due to MM...and of course, partly down to yourself (but mainly him).

 

The recent updates, after all the waiting and all you've been through, potentially have the power to crush you completely. But I encourage you to turn this on its head - he has shown his true colours. Even when he decides to end his marriage, he still does not choose you and his words smack of narcissism and selfishness. You have dodged a bullet. You are so much better off without him.

 

Use this to see him for what he is and put him behind you. Then head into 2018 with a world of possibilities ahead of you. Obviously, you have a lot of recovery to face first, but you will get through it. You really will. Many here have walked, or are walking, that path.

 

Don't give him any more power. Never give him the time of day again and show him that you are not waiting on his every word as he so clearly thinks. He's blown it and lost you now - 100% immediate NC will give you the power and dent his ego as he clearly expects you to come running after him again.

 

Good luck. We are here for you. x

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He will never admit to what he did was wrong. As a matter of fact he is throwing this around and turning it against you, like you’re the problem. That’s deflecting and he’s good at it. He would have never told you had he not have found out that you know about the new girl.

 

I like how he leaves out the part that he kept coming back into your life every few months to keep you wishing and hoping....

 

It doesn’t matter now. Know that no amount of reasoning or arguing will help you win or help him see what he did was wrong.

 

Best advice is to let go of hope and move on. Win the mental battle and find somebody else. This guy, even if he ends up with you somehow. Few months down the road he will surely leave you and cause you more heartache.

 

Delete the email, block everything, don’t respond, read and watch videos, post on here, get healthy and get better.

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He decided to make it work with his wife and kids so he dumped you originally.

Then when things were not going exactly well with his wife he decided to keep you around as plan B, so he kept tabs on you every 2 months or so, I guess you had sex then too. He needed the crutch, the ego boost, nothing better for the ego than being in the presence of a besotted other.

 

Finally he plucks up the courage to divorce, but no doubt with his new found bravery, he decides he can do without you.

He is a free man, he doesn't need some woman who was happy sneaking around behind his wife's back, he wants a proper gf, he can do better.

Someone he can show off, someone who has a clean slate, someone he can be honest about.

No guilt, no hiding, he's just moving cleanly on.

 

What were you really thinking here?

What were you going to do had his reconciliation worked?

YOU took a massive gamble and you lost.

YOU wasted years of your life

NEVER accept such teeny tiny crumbs from a man ever again.

Men who want you, want YOU, no excuses, no waiting around, they want no-one else.

JUST YOU.

Accept no less.

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He decided to make it work with his wife and kids so he dumped you originally.

Then when things were not going exactly well with his wife he decided to keep you around as plan B, so he kept tabs on you every 2 months or so, I guess you had sex then too.

 

@elaine567

the last year and a half there were no meetings, no sex..

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lookingforclosure
So why were you still waiting for him?

 

I believed he still cared about me...and truly meant the words he said

He was someone I trusted since we were friends for years prior...

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I'm sorry for your pain.

I find his text pathetic and immature, but what I think is he is scared. He is scared you're going to ruin it for him with his new girlfriend, hence all his parayers of you finding a wonderful man.

I am guessing, she knows nothing of his infidelity and has bought the story he sold her about the divorce being his wife's fault.

I think he doesn't want you because he has no plans to be faithful, ever.

You know he cheated and you know how he cheated, so he will be easily caught. His new gf probably doesn't so he will face no trust issues with her.

You can't change the past. Learn all you can from this situation and move forward.

His text is low and mean, but at least I hope it shocked you out of any lasting hope you held out for this loser.

There is a better life out there for you.

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lookingforclosure

I am guessing, she knows nothing of his infidelity and has bought the story he sold her about the divorce being his wife's fault.

.

Not sure what exactly...but I do know the wife contacted the new woman, doesn't sound to me the wife knew that the reconciliation process wasn't working for him.

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