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3 years of waiting...for nothing


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 18th December 2017, 3:09 PM   #1
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3 years of waiting...for nothing

I was on here in 2015 after I was dumped by my MM after a 2 year affair. He claimed to want to do the right thing and try to make the marriage work for his children. I was devastated
He popped in and out of my life for the last 3 years..every couple months. He still cared and loved me, but was trying for the kids.
He contacted me in June stating the counseling had stopped because it wasn't going anywhere and the wife wasn't making any effort to reconcile..she has been living separate from him since 7/2015.

So in August after a couple of months of silence my Mom was sick, almost died in the hospital and he popped up again. So i asked him straight out what the deal was...why did he keep doing this to me. He said he still loved me and cared about me and didn't want me out of his life. To have faith that we had a future together

Well he has decided to finally file for divorce and take off that wedding band...unfortunately his feelings must have drastically changed over the last 4 months. He wouldn't answer any texts or calls from me. And he even told my best friend that he was letting the wife go, but he didn't know what to say to me...he didn't want me to think we would get back together right away...

Well he went on a date with another woman whom he "like a lot" according to my friend. He told her this after talking about me on Thursday. I don't understand. He knew I was waiting for him...yet he chose to take that ring off for someone else

I feel sick
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Old 18th December 2017, 3:20 PM   #2
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It may not feel like it but you are dodging a huge bullet here. You deserve far better than what little he has given you.

Let this other woman who he apparently likes a lot deal with a man who cheats and strings women along.

You deserve a man who loves you to the skyís limit. Who texts and answers your calls. Who is man enough to tell you what you need to hear rather than tiptoeing around and telling your best friend. You deserve to be the only woman in someoneís life. Not someone he hides in the shadows and strings along for his own ego boost.

Donít see it as her winning. See it as you winning.
Donít wait. Donít be available to him when he contacts you again.
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Old 18th December 2017, 3:22 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
It may not feel like it but you are dodging a huge bullet here. You deserve far better than what little he has given you.

Let this other woman who he apparently likes a lot deal with a man who cheats and strings women along.

You deserve a man who loves you to the skyís limit. Who texts and answers your calls. Who is man enough to tell you what you need to hear rather than tiptoeing around and telling your best friend. You deserve to be the only woman in someoneís life. Not someone he hides in the shadows and strings along for his own ego boost.

Donít see it as her winning. See it as you winning.
Donít wait. Donít be available to him when he contacts you again.

You know women donít like that ! They want excitement!!

Thatís why sheís still there even thought you are right
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Old 18th December 2017, 3:23 PM   #4
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You need to move on.

First, you don't want him right now. He's in the midst of a divorce, and his life is in complete upheaval. He may like the girl he's dating, but she's a rebound girl. Once they get through the divorce, what will they have? Nothing, she's just an emotional tampon.

Second, He needs to be alone, not monkey branching into a relationship with you.
You may love him and waited for him and probably feel hoodwinked. You have been.

Lose him and his number. Trust me, you don't need to join that circus, plus, he's going to be broke from the child support/alimony.
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Old 18th December 2017, 3:24 PM   #5
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You definitely dodged bullet here...

Don't waste another moment of your time on this man, not a single second more! This should be the impetuous for you to cut him out of your life completely - forever! He has taken enough from you already...
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Old 18th December 2017, 3:25 PM   #6
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Iím sorry youíre going through this. It must be awful. My heart goes out to you.

Donít think he didnít care about you. He most likely did, maybe it was even love, or infatuation. However, oftentimes, after an LT-A, as soon as the married person finally pushes through with D, they also find it hard to turn that EMA into a real R. Iím sure you have a history with him that not only consists of sunshine, bliss and unicorns. Iím sure youíve had your fair share of arguments, due to his indecisiveness for a very long time. By getting a brand new R with a brand new person, your separated/divorced MM can now start over fresh, or so he thinks, without any bad memories.

If youíre still in love with him, wait it out, but donít stop your life (try to date if you have the energy), maybe heíll find his way back. Maybe heíll miss you.

Or: Maybe not. Maybe you were only the crutch for him that helped him out of the M. Classic exit affair! But who knows.......he may just want to spread his wings and try other options, before he settles down yet again. If he reaches out, itís you who will be in the driverís seat; maybe youíll be over it by then, or too proud to give in, or too angry, etc.

Right now youíre devastated and probably heartbroken, and Iím sorry. Itís a crappy feeling. I would advise you to give it time and not reach out for now. Since he apparently knows your friend(s), he might learn through them, that youíre just fine, living your life. That, if nothing else, might open his eyes.

Good luck and hang in there!
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Old 18th December 2017, 4:44 PM   #7
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The others are right. You'd definitely dodge a bullet if you closed the door on that chapter of your life forever. If you ever feel tempted to "reconnect" with him or get "closure", just remember this. In his eyes, your role in his life is clearly defined and is not likely to change. If it was, it would have happened years ago, so stop giving him any more of your time.
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Old 18th December 2017, 5:16 PM   #8
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It's rare when the MM leaves his wife that he partners up with his affair person. Maybe it brings about bad memories that lead him to divorce IDK. We read this a lot that when they finally leave the marriage they move on to a brand new person.
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Old 18th December 2017, 5:23 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lookingforclosure View Post
I was on here in 2015 after I was dumped by my MM after a 2 year affair. He claimed to want to do the right thing and try to make the marriage work for his children. I was devastated
He popped in and out of my life for the last 3 years..every couple months. He still cared and loved me, but was trying for the kids.
He contacted me in June stating the counseling had stopped because it wasn't going anywhere and the wife wasn't making any effort to reconcile..she has been living separate from him since 7/2015.

So in August after a couple of months of silence my Mom was sick, almost died in the hospital and he popped up again. So i asked him straight out what the deal was...why did he keep doing this to me. He said he still loved me and cared about me and didn't want me out of his life. To have faith that we had a future together

Well he has decided to finally file for divorce and take off that wedding band...unfortunately his feelings must have drastically changed over the last 4 months. He wouldn't answer any texts or calls from me. And he even told my best friend that he was letting the wife go, but he didn't know what to say to me...he didn't want me to think we would get back together right away...

Well he went on a date with another woman whom he "like a lot" according to my friend. He told her this after talking about me on Thursday. I don't understand. He knew I was waiting for him...yet he chose to take that ring off for someone else

I feel sick
I am so sorry. However, this is an important turning point for you and now you have the opportunity to re-focus on you and your own life. Aside from him, what do you want for yourself?
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Old 18th December 2017, 8:49 PM   #10
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How hurt you must be feeling.

I notice he kept popping into your life because HE didn't want to lose you. It didn't relate to how much it put you into emotional turmoil.

He's a selfish Ahole.

Pick are going to find a single man who will return your loyalty one day.

Poppy.
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Old 18th December 2017, 9:19 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lookingforclosure View Post
I was on here in 2015 after I was dumped by my MM after a 2 year affair. He claimed to want to do the right thing and try to make the marriage work for his children. I was devastated
He popped in and out of my life for the last 3 years..every couple months. He still cared and loved me, but was trying for the kids.
He contacted me in June stating the counseling had stopped because it wasn't going anywhere and the wife wasn't making any effort to reconcile..she has been living separate from him since 7/2015.

So in August after a couple of months of silence my Mom was sick, almost died in the hospital and he popped up again. So i asked him straight out what the deal was...why did he keep doing this to me. He said he still loved me and cared about me and didn't want me out of his life. To have faith that we had a future together

Well he has decided to finally file for divorce and take off that wedding band...unfortunately his feelings must have drastically changed over the last 4 months. He wouldn't answer any texts or calls from me. And he even told my best friend that he was letting the wife go, but he didn't know what to say to me...he didn't want me to think we would get back together right away...

Well he went on a date with another woman whom he "like a lot" according to my friend. He told her this after talking about me on Thursday. I don't understand. He knew I was waiting for him...yet he chose to take that ring off for someone else

I feel sick
They almost always never start a new relationship with the OW after the marriage is over. Read around on here. It happens more often than not. These type of men can't stay faithful so they are always lurking for something new. You wouldn't want to settle down with a cheater anyways. Just be glad the bullet is dodging you.
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Old 19th December 2017, 12:58 AM   #12
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Hi,

My heart goes out to you. I felt your pain reading your words because I wrote/thought of those very same words. The thought that at the end, when youíre supposed to be together, they end up with somebody else...itís...devastating...especially when youíve been there for them. It just seems so unfair to see them walk off into this new no drama relationship while youíre left standing wonder what just happened.


Just off few sentences you wrote it sounds to me that your ďmanĒ is narcissistic. He has no empathy towards your feelings nor does he understand how all this affects you. He canít take 5min out of his life and end it with you like a man, thank you maybe even? Even that hurts but at least you know thereís an honest person in them if they ended it in a nice way.

Instead heís playing games...again no care or feelings what you just went thru because of him.

I recommend you research narcissism. If you think your partner falls in that category then start watching some videos on YouTube.

At the end of the day, no matter how hard, unfair, crushing, confusing it is...he actually did you a favor by giving you space to realize what a POS he is so you can eject him outta your life forever.
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Old 19th December 2017, 3:15 AM   #13
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Agree

HI Looking for closure,

I have to agree with the last poster.

You MM sounds like a narcissist.

There is a website called Narcsite. It is owned by a self confessed narcissist. He tells it from his perspective.

It is worth a read. It is very straight forward about how a narcissist thinks.

Poppy.
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Old 19th December 2017, 11:39 AM   #14
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Then I get this late last night....

He decided to text me even though I told him there was no need to contact me at all period

This is what I received

Well, hello to you too. Iíve made some conscious decisions to change some things in my life lately and meeting someone else was not even in the cards. You know full well how people just pop into your life sometimes with no effort other than chance. When A asked me how my week was going, as she often does, I told her some things in confidence and now know that was betrayed, though donít know why she felt the need to run and immediately tell you anything. Hereís the thing. We once had something that was special and could have been long-lasting. I still care how your life turns out and that you ultimately find contentment, joy, and the long-lasting love you deserve. Whether thatís with a man or no one but yourself, up to you. The timing for us was bad (obviously) and you held out hope, knowing full well, for several years now that I believed the right thing to do was to repair my marriage and restore my family. Iíve tried and is the reason I couldnít rightfully have any relationship with you or any effort I was making along the way with my marriage would have never worked with you in the picture. You knew that and took that risk in stride. I never would have waited this long thinking my marriage was salvageable if I had a crystal ball. Iíve put my life on hold in a number of areas and am DONE doing that. 2018 is going to be a much different year for me. I hope it is for you too. You may never forgive me....but honestly, what if you never heard anything from me for another 6 months, a year, two years? Were you really going to keep holding out for me for much longer had you not heard a peep from others about my life or if I had gotten back with K? Thereís no reason you couldnít have at least dated someone here or there to see if there was someone else right out there for you. I feel guilty, yet you have always been fully in control of your life and feelings. I feel sure youíve had that opportunity on more than one occasion the last 3 years and it was always your choice to pursue that or not. YOU have chosen to not accept the invitations to date other guys, if that is in fact the case which Iím almost certain has happened. Thereís no way I have had any kind of hold on you preventing you to at least explore other options. I will never take for granted what we had. It was special despite the bad timing as I said previously, however I donít see how we could ever get back what weíve lost. Donít hate me for that. I havenít worked out details of how Iím going to resolve my old life at this time and while I will be navigating things carefully, certainly donít want you to get your hopes up that we can ever be a thing. Iíve prayed for you to find someone and that you would forget about me. You are an independent girl and have long since been on your feet after the Eric disaster. Please....never be beholden to me or another man for your contentment and joy. We constantly disappoint.
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Old 19th December 2017, 12:09 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poppy47 View Post
I notice he kept popping into your life because HE didn't want to lose you. It didn't relate to how much it put you into emotional turmoil.
Looking for Closure, I have had this ^ very same problem, unfortunately. Doesn't matter what I want or what I said I needed and wanted; he does what he wants. Your thread makes me angry for you and for me!

All I can say about your last post is Wow. He could've saved that text message.
All I read was, "Well, Looking for Closure, it was your own fault. I told you what was what, and you should have known, despite me constantly coming in and out of your life (at points where you might've gotten over me), that we could not possibly ever have anything real. I meant for you to forget me (even though I made this damn near impossible)! Why didn't you accept other men and move on???????? That is clearly what I wanted (even though my actions never matched my words)! I am realizing you are a fool (because you wanted me and loved me and cared about me...because I encouraged it). I couldn't possibly have any future at all with someone who feels anything for me, because I am actually undeserving of such effort. I have and will disappoint (I did expect you to be psychic)!"

I think you should write a response in this thread. If you haven't, do NOT respond to him! You already texted him not to contact you, and the aforementioned was his response to your request! Block him, you may actually need to change your number. Tell your friend not to talk about him to you EVER AGAIN. I am so MAD!

Last edited by Vivir; 19th December 2017 at 12:11 PM..
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