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Another setback - feeling like crap


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Old 21st November 2017, 2:53 PM   #1
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newbie / need strength to let go

try to keep a long story to condensed version... in a loveless marriage. hit it off with a guy that is also married same situation which this couple was a friendly acquaintance(not real good friends) of ours. It spiraled, we started out just texting/flirting - became stronger and more involved.

Was very exciting, deep, turned romantic and intimate, for about 10 months or so. talked everyday, would get wake up texts and good night texts, along with everything else... Both on same page we couldnt do anything "real" about it with regards to our home situations at the time. My spouse sneaked through my phone one night and saw text between me and a friend about this guy. nothing detailed just vague. I know i'm not the greatest for doing this, but I didnt tell the whole story - just that I had been flirting and texted this guy only a couple of times and that was it.

I texted the other guy the next morning to give a heads up and bam - he basically dropped my like a hot potato. to skip a bit, my husband confronted him and AP didnt tell the full details either - but said it was all me approaching him and I made him feel uncomfortable, and he would just ignore me whenever I contacted him....ouch.... Fast forward to now. For the life of me I can not let go and get over this guy. this all happened about 9 months ago and I STILL think about him and it all no matter how hard I try not to. We do have to still see them every now and then and everyone is friendly.

His wife knows nothing. We have talked via text a couple of times since then and he always says he does not want me to lose his number for good and doesnt want me to stop trying to talk to him, but the few times I have he is cold and says he is busy, etc. But still will say he doesnt want me to go away... Anyway - why cant I let go? I really need help /strength to be able to let go. I obviously have no will power, strength, etc.

Its obvious he is not thinking of me. a couple of times we got a quick word in over the past summer it was either giving me hope or he was somewhat mean. Anybody have any words of wisdom?

Sorry was long afterall...

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Old 21st November 2017, 3:48 PM   #2
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Read this book: How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern. For some reason, this book helped me tremendously when nothing else did. You are wasting too much time, energy and thought on a person who (1) will not reciprocate and (2) has no interest in having a relationship with you. Divert your thoughts from him to yourself and work on making yourself happy.
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Old 21st November 2017, 4:01 PM   #3
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thanks , I know. It helps just hearing someone tell me that! I've been reading back through some of the similar posts and it's like a pep talk for me too! I don't really have anyone I can go to for support so when I get these down moments it's horrible. I used to think time would heal but with it being so long already I'm discouraged.
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Old 21st November 2017, 7:16 PM   #4
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Welcome shypapaya67

This guy threw you under the bus when your husband confronted him. He likely did this to protect himself, and perhaps to stop your husband from telling his wife. It is also likely he is not actually in a loveless marriage, but that is beside the point.

When your husband found out, that was your opportunity to kick this MM right out of your life. Because now, he is using your contact with him as a personal ego stroke.

What are you getting out of this situation?

What do you think will happen when your husband finds out that you still contact this other guy?

If your marriage is loveless, why didn't you use the DDay to leave the marriage? Why didn't you want your husband to know the full truth of your interaction with this MM?

You're likely going to have to confront some difficult beliefs you have in order to figure out why you "can't" stop yourself from contacting this guy. But this is the path to freedom.
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Old 22nd November 2017, 2:53 PM   #5
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Hi there, welcome. I'm sorry you're suffering. I am in quite a similar situation to yourself, 2 year affair with a mutual friend. It sounds like this guy is showing you who he really is. Look at his actions, not his words. What would you have done if the tables had been turned?

If it was his wife who found some texts and he'd given you the heads up, would you have dropped him and then tried to blame it all on him? I bet you wouldn't have. He doesn't value you as much as you value him. And I think at this moment you don't value yourself much either. I'm not saying this to be hurtful, only because I am going through something quite similar and I'm struggling too.

Before you can really let him go, you need to think about why you are willing to let someone treat you like that. You need to think about your own needs and pride.

You DO have strength. You've just lost your way. You have to stop thinking of yourself as powerless. Once you realise you have choices, you are one step closer to making the right one. Keep posting, we all get it.

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Old 24th November 2017, 2:57 PM   #6
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No will power. Failed NC

Ugh was doing good with NC. Been about a month and a half since I broke it last.. yesterday was a trigger day though as I kept thinking back to last thanksgiving- the in between texts all that day with him. I gave in and texted him. Kept it very quick - just wished him a happy thanksgiving and hoped all was well. That was it. I did get a response saying happy thanksgiving to me too and that was the end of it. Yup I feel worse now again. I'm such a stupid as#.

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Old 24th November 2017, 3:01 PM   #7
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Don't beat yourself up over it; it's a difficult thing to maintain and a lot of people cave. The best you can do now is restart and learn from your mistake. Remember, it's the ONLY way to heal. You'll never be able to move forward in your life if you do limited contact. Happy TG and good luck.
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Old 24th November 2017, 6:35 PM   #8
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I read a really great article about this type of situation. The reason I was looking into it? My dumb@ss did the same thing. Though my reasons were different, it was nonetheless a bad idea, just like yours. However, rather than beat yourself over it, use it as a learning experience.

The article made an excellent point in using the pain contacting them caused you as a lesson on your part. No good came of it. You hurt yourself more by doing so. You probably feel ashamed, humiliated, hurt, etc. Now that you've experienced it, you realize what it's like to stick your hand on that stove. DO NOT forget this experience and the pain it has caused you down the road. Keeping this in mind later on will hopefully help deter you should you have a point of weakness again.

Also, don't go beating yourself up too much over this mistake. It happens. The important thing is you learn from it. I wish you luck in this process.
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Old 11th December 2017, 11:13 AM   #9
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Another setback - feeling like crap

Yet another setback in my "recovery" getting over/moving on... had to spend a couple hours with MOM and out spouses for a get together. I think I did pretty good for myself but am sooo down today. Sucks. I tried not to look to much directly at him and kept myself neutral, pleasant and in a good mood at the time. Sucked he obviously totally uphased or a care in the world about it or me....
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Old 11th December 2017, 11:19 AM   #10
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Noting three threads running on what is apparently the same affair, per policy moderation merged those threads into one discussion and please continue the discussion on the affair/relationship issue in this thread. I'll also do some editing for duplicate content and to add paragraphs. Thanks and please continue!
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Old 14th December 2017, 5:13 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shypapaya67 View Post
Yet another setback in my "recovery" getting over/moving on... had to spend a couple hours with MOM and out spouses for a get together. I think I did pretty good for myself but am sooo down today. Sucks. I tried not to look to much directly at him and kept myself neutral, pleasant and in a good mood at the time. Sucked he obviously totally uphased or a care in the world about it or me....


UGH!!!! what is wrong with me. I texted again today.. Dam. again was just a quick small talk thing which he replied to the subject of the small talk and then that was it.
When will I get it through my thick head to let go!!!!
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Old 14th December 2017, 6:56 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by shypapaya67 View Post
When will I get it through my thick head to let go!!!!
Anger maybe one possible tool to use to let go of him.

Force yourself to make a list of all the horrible awful and cruel things he did to you. Write with details and force yourself to read over and over again. You are hooked onto him like a drug addict--as typically is the case in affairs. You have to force your eyes to see the "bad" side of the MM enough times to wipe out delusional "good" side of him.

He didn't think a split second before tossing you out like a disposable rubbish when your husband confronted him. He didn't just deny the affair, he claimed that you are the crazy one chasing him while is the ABSOLUTE innocent one.

Why not give him a taste of his own medicine? Do you have all the correspondence between you two--all the lovely good morning and good night and in between messages? Send them to the wife. Call it fair share--call it vengeance--the name is irrelevant. By doing so, it may help you. Will it get ugly? Most likely yes--but that's exactly what you need to see--you need to see his ugly real nature exposed so loud and clear that it's his ugliness that helps you detach from this addiction.

He is a despicable character; he is using you and disposing of you when it suits him.

I know most people advise against exposing the MM--I think you should. Your affair is already exposed to your husband; in his eyes you are already a cheater --not only that your MM put all of it on you while he is walking around like sweet innocent child in front of his wife.

Let his wife know all the details. If nothing else he will look small in his wife's eyes--as he deserves to.

The longer his and your secrets are kept as secrets, a part of you will want to keep it going secretly and will want to lean to him to confide in him.

Expose him. Once the secrets are all out, you will be less inclined to turn to him.
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Old 14th December 2017, 7:11 PM   #13
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Thanks. I have no desire to tell his wife - that's not me.
But I do like the list of bad about him to try to take over my brain

I think I keep going back to the thoughts like how can he be not having a care in the world about it.
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Old 19th January 2018, 4:28 PM   #14
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Again!!

Guess what? Yup I just failed NC and feel the worst yet. Update since December was he reached out to me at Christmas to wish me a merry Christmas . A few texts where exchanged back and forth over the next week until right after New Years. I saw him for a little bit at a group social event then and after that I haven't heard from him since. I told myself I wasn't going to contact and I didn't - until today. Sent him a text just saying hi and seeing how things were and nothing- no response at all. I am miserable. A punch in the stomach feeling. Holding back tears. It's my fault I know but I just couldn't help myself. Even after reading all the recent posts about NC here I am a hypocrite and fail.

This has gotta be the worst I've felt after breaking NC though. Maybe because this puts the nail in the coffin so to speak.

My brain and heart ar reeling . Going to be a long night.
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Old 19th January 2018, 5:30 PM   #15
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What is the longest you have gone NC?
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