She can't bring herself to leave her marriage

[macbookman]

A year ago, I met her at a wine making class. We immediately hit it off. Mind you this is all in a very conservative Asian society, at first I didn’t know there was an age difference. She is 10 years older than me. Pretty much she’s 40, I’m 30. We started texting each other for 6 months, there is this closeness that I can’t describe.

 

I didn’t know she had a long time boyfriend at this time. We starting have a sexual relationship for around a month. It was pure love, both for her and for me. Then we got into a fight, which to this day both of us can’t remember. We grew apart for 3 months. During this time, her bf started procedures for marriage, I dint’ know that. I just thought well, she was being a woman, it’s my job to beg for forgiveness. I found out about it around 3 weeks before the ceremony. I reacted, typical of a boy who lost his love. I wanted to jump off the building. It was nasty, I met her, she was as cold as ice.

 

But somehow, which both of us din’t understand, we rediscovered our love for each other. It was as strong more passionate than ever. It was a lot of crying in bed together. In Asia, marriage you arrange it with you parents, it’s a big family show of face event. Not something to take lightly, family honour and such. We slept together everyday, crying in bed together. She can’t cancel the wedding without throwing her family to the dogs. We made a deal, she would get married and then divorce, a month later. We got engaged, secretly. The wedding day was the worst day of my life.

 

We were on the phone together, when ever she could sneak the time. It was bad. After that we saw each other practically everyday. I made plans to marry her. When she gets drunk, the truth spills out, she tells me, she can’t do it, dump her husband. She loves me, and it’s tearing her apart. She said she can’t bring herself to do it. I said I can just ring the guy up, tell him, pretty sure he’d throw her out. She said that would bring ruin to her family. Gosh why can’t love be so simple. It’s obvious we love each other so much. I need to get her out of there, need some advice.. please. Every night is a torture, imagining things.

Edited December 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

In your culture in Asia, is it acceptable for a married man or woman to have a lover?

 

More generally, what I've noticed with MW's over the decades is they usually do what's best for them, regardless of feelings. They can be steely-eyed logical when it comes to managing their lives. If their lifestyle in the M is preferable, they'll keep that and dabble on the side. If the lover's lifestyle represents a positive move to them, they'll jump. They define what that is individually. It could be family, social power, money, status, whatever. They crunch the numbers and out spits a decision.

 

In your case, apparently the lady's family is a big part of her decision. Family is apparently super important in your culture, beyond normal importance, in that the family arranges the marriage, blesses it and supports it. That's a lot of power to go up against.

 

Would you opine the women in your culture are generally strong-willed in such matters or more submissive. How does your partner compare? If she's normally strong-willed and uncharacteristically submissive and passive in this situation, I'd opine your/her love is insufficient. If she's normally passive and/or submissive, then she'll never do it on her own, rather seek to rely on someone to make the decision for her and take actions on her behalf.

 

It's easy to say 'ditch her' and find another lady but I get the bonds are hard to break, especially when young.

 

Having played this out a number of ways in life, IMO the loving and clear goodbye has historically felt best. Respectful, loving, and unambiguous. Leaves a clean and healthy ending to a particular chapter. No one knows what the future will bring.

 

Riding the deal down can work but it's tricky. A lot depends on the woman. If you're prepared for and accepting of any outcome, it could work. She could throw you under the bus. Your social circle could reject you and shun you. You could live happily ever after. It's really unknown. The most common result I found was being the reminder of a toxic time and tossed aside as were many reminders, once the lady decides to move on. People, some anyway, have no qualms about that. They use people and toss them aside like yesterday's trash. Sure, it seems loving until the bag gets tied off and tossed. Poof, done.

 

Up to you. Good luck!

[macbookman]

She's very strong willed, on the rebellion side. The Asian culture also can be played into my advantage. I could talk to her parents to, about what's going on. They would have to play along, or this story gets out. That's an option too. Her parents would have to play fait acompli,

 

She asks me she wants to handle the breakup on her own, I'm getting the feeling she's a woman, maybe it's a guy thing to the hard stuffs?