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Married HS Sweetheart, but falling for man 12 years older


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 10th December 2017, 9:59 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by smile_123 View Post
I don't think at this point I can make these feelings of a crush disappear,
Actually, yes you can. Its not that hard. It takes about a week or two of no contact. Keep in mind, your husband has known you since you were 16 and you are 26 now? He knows you very well and he might be able to tell something is rolling around in your mind.You need to be a really good actor to deceive someone who has known you that long.

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1) Since neither of us have openly and directly said anything,
Always keep in mind you have more to lose than he does. It doesn't sound like you are in an unhappy marriage.

You mentioned the 40 yr old guy has a girlfriend? How do you know? Did you guys talk about his girlfriend? Did you talk to him about your husband? Keep in mind, a 40 year old married guy *might* lie and say he is not married if he thinks its in his best interest. ;-)

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2) all relationships start out with these feelings of euphoria and ultimately grow into a deeper love where it's no longer butterflies and constant excitement.
You are not in a relationship or in any sort of "love" yet with this man. The euphoria is all on your part and in your own head.

Quote:
3) He probably feels flattered by my "crush" and is enjoying the flattery
If this guy knows you are married and really likes you, he isn't going to want to cause you pain. A 40 year old man with your good intentions in mind is going to know fully well what kinds of pain an infidelity will bring upon a marriage. That's one of the reasons I went no contact with the girl I am getting out of my mind. Not wanting to cause her pain was more important to me than pursuing whatever it was that was (or wasn't) happening. There was never any indication in our discussion that she was unhappy in her marriage and also, I knew fully well that, no matter how unhappy and miserable I am in my own marriage, I wasn't about to leave my family for a 25 year old girl.

As others have warned, a 40 year old could be a smooth player who knows exactly what he is doing.
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Old 10th December 2017, 10:40 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
Actually, yes you can. Its not that hard. It takes about a week or two of no contact. Keep in mind, your husband has known you since you were 16 and you are 26 now? He knows you very well and he might be able to tell something is rolling around in your mind.You need to be a really good actor to deceive someone who has known you that long.

Always keep in mind you have more to lose than he does. It doesn't sound like you are in an unhappy marriage.

You mentioned the 40 yr old guy has a girlfriend? How do you know? Did you guys talk about his girlfriend? Did you talk to him about your husband? Keep in mind, a 40 year old married guy *might* lie and say he is not married if he thinks its in his best interest. ;-)

You are not in a relationship or in any sort of "love" yet with this man. The euphoria is all on your part and in your own head.

If this guy knows you are married and really likes you, he isn't going to want to cause you pain. A 40 year old man with your good intentions in mind is going to know fully well what kinds of pain an infidelity will bring upon a marriage. That's one of the reasons I went no contact with the girl I am getting out of my mind. Not wanting to cause her pain was more important to me than pursuing whatever it was that was (or wasn't) happening. There was never any indication in our discussion that she was unhappy in her marriage and also, I knew fully well that, no matter how unhappy and miserable I am in my own marriage, I wasn't about to leave my family for a 25 year old girl.

As others have warned, a 40 year old could be a smooth player who knows exactly what he is doing.
Actually both my husband and I are 28, and yes, you are spot on in that he knows me better than anyone and Iím 99% sure he can tell something is off (Iím horrible at acting).

I know for a fact he is single because prior to the start of his clinical his school requires a personal data sheet to be sent to me that includes info about the student and what not. On this sheet it says he is single and this was sent to me long before I even met him or he knew anything about me. I am constantly talking about my husband with him and he definitely talks about his girlfriend and Iíve seen pictures of her and what not (but he doesnít talk about her as much as I talk about my husband).

I know! The euphoria is definitely in my own head. For all I know he doesnít give a damn about me and doesnít give me a second thought outside of work.

I will admit that I told him one time that I was unhappy in my marriage (big mistake, I know), and we talked about it briefly. But the truth is, my husband is a wonderful man and we are just going through typical issues married couples go through that can easily be worked out. I feel as though part of me made it seem like I was more unhappy than I actually am to see his reaction (so bad, I know..I expect to get backlash for admitting that)...
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Old 10th December 2017, 10:50 PM   #48
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I will admit that I told him one time that I was unhappy in my marriage (big mistake, I know), and we talked about it briefly. But the truth is, my husband is a wonderful man and we are just going through typical issues married couples go through that can easily be worked out. I feel as though part of me made it seem like I was more unhappy than I actually am to see his reaction (so bad, I know..I expect to get backlash for admitting that)...
^^ So.. OP.. do you think you might have given a single 40 year old guy the impression that he might be able to get laid if he plays his cards right?

It sounds to me like you need to decide what you want to do.

As I stated earlier, you stand to lose more than he does.
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Old 15th December 2017, 9:20 PM   #49
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i think its best if u tell ur hubby. the turth hurts but its better than living in the affair world
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Old 16th December 2017, 6:28 PM   #50
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I wanted to provide an update to all of you whom were kind enough to offer advice and words of wisdom this past week to me.

My male co-worker whom I've had a crush on finished his last day yesterday. Nothing was ever said between us regarding my feelings or his and we said goodbye by giving each other a friendly hug and then ultimately parting ways.

I did a lot of thinking this past week, and although I may have fantasized us being together or me pouring my heart out to him, I know that I am a better person than that. Now that he is on his way back to live across the country I think things can only go up from here as I will not be seeing him every day at work and I can focus my time and energy towards my loving husband.

Thanks everyone for being a great support system and pushing for me to stay strong this week. I think it certainly helped me to stick to my morals and values (:
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Old 16th December 2017, 6:29 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by smile_123 View Post
I wanted to provide an update to all of you whom were kind enough to offer advice and words of wisdom this past week to me.

My male co-worker whom I've had a crush on finished his last day yesterday. Nothing was ever said between us regarding my feelings or his and we said goodbye by giving each other a friendly hug and then ultimately parting ways.

I did a lot of thinking this past week, and although I may have fantasized us being together or me pouring my heart out to him, I know that I am a better person than that. Now that he is on his way back to live across the country I think things can only go up from here as I will not be seeing him every day at work and I can focus my time and energy towards my loving husband.

Thanks everyone for being a great support system and pushing for me to stay strong this week. I think it certainly helped me to stick to my morals and values (:
Great to hear. Now, doubly commit to not being a side piece when he comes to your town as a flight attendant .
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Old 16th December 2017, 10:40 PM   #52
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hello there smile123, i've only read the original post and not followed this though so sincere apologies there, I'm tired so I'm sure i've have missed so much to this thread. but as you've said this man is off for Nevada soon and its just thoughts you are posing - so il just give you a quick couple of thoughts off the back of the one post I read (ie your original post).

I think you are attracted to this man because he is different and he has got your attention because he is showing you that there are different ways to shape cookie dough as it were... your'e not a bad person for feeling attracted to this man, I guess its what happens after that determines whether you (or anyone else would be perceived as bad) and again from only bothering to read one small message ; nothing bad has happened and you are just acknowledging your feelings and musing over them. theres nothing too bad about that.

I think the post is not really about him or him being 40, its about you questioning yourself and possibly feeling stale in your marriage. its like you and your partner are dining using knives and forks to eat a pizza, but then this good looking quirk comes along and shows you the fun and intimacy (even though nothing happened) of eating a pizza with your hands!!!! what a shock, but what fun...and its left you wanting someone who will naturally tear a pizza with you out of instinct rather than the dull and sophisticated and expected well mannered (but equally odd) knife and fork.

10 years before you got together is fine of course, but I wonder if the time has acted like a ten year marriage for you even though it wasn't and you are not so much looking, but are seeing grass that is greener from the window of your safe happy bubble and it has made you curious.

maybe you need to get away, either for a holiday (but obviously not to Nevada!!!! haha..).but just to clear your head and get back to normality.

I think its one of those things that if it is meant to be it will be, (that can apply to your marriage and to this man/or anyone else you meet in life that might make you feel this way) because being with someone "forever" is a long time, I'm not suggesting you leave your relationship or anything like that, but perhaps you need to think about either investing a bit more into your relationship or at least being honest and asking if the relationship is able to give your more, and if so - if you are prepared to put more in, what your man is going to do to provide his part to pep things up so its not just fun for a while and then you feel stale and flat inside again...because he is part of this stale feeling I suspect may be at the heart of this somewhere.

there is still a good life ahead hopefully for you at 26, however there is also a lot of time if you might be getting bored by it all!!

I don't think its the end, but I also don't think you should just presume it will all be on the way up for you and your man just because this guy is out of the picture....life is full of things that don't go to plan when we feel sure it will go one way; and has a habit of sending messages that only sound louder the next time we bury them, so they then often appear in a different form.

I'm just thinking out loud to you (in a tired way) and I know I really should have read the other posts, but that's just the way its gone for this post.

I hope you get some thought resolution if you haven't already.

if you love your man and can see yourself with him for ever and ever then great, nothing will phase you and you can still fantasise about this man in safety and happiness that you have true love. you will just need to both put in a bit more to get a bit more out of it, if love is there and will be there in the next 30 years.

but if I am honest, I am also wondering if somewhere deep in your psyche you are a bit bored and have hit a bit of a stale phase in your relationship and something in you has surfaced and you don't want it to because your partner is has been another part of that dough cutter world you've been used to and you thought it was enough to be safe in love, education, and home and it sounds as though you've been lucky enough to travel from a to b.with relative ease compared to some in life.

(it sounds as though this situation has taken you to the letter d in your life and it has hit you because the letter c was missing,...and whats more you coped!!!! and were excited by someone who thought in a way that made you think a bit more).

I actually wonder and think you are begging to like this not so safe comfort zone, and maybe want to explore the more the mixed up pizza tearing experience that you have tasted...and dare I say it, might you be secretly wishing to tear pizza with a different sort of man???? (get back to me in ten years and tell me if you are still with your man, or if you ran off to Nevada only to find out he got his old job back and you couldn't find the airfayre for the return journey haha

..ok, so now I AM tired..pizzas and alphabet letters that go missing!!!!! but hey you got the point of it all; and if it brought a rye smile to your lips then il take that.

and who knows, maybe tomorrow if my eyes are a bit fresher I might drop by again to read some of the other posts, and think haha...maxi you go it all wrong...but until then, that's my 2 cents worth.

see ya. agrhhh....must get back to my midnight oil!!!! take care and good luck.smile124!!!!.... maxi.

Last edited by maxi105; 16th December 2017 at 10:51 PM..
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