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Married HS Sweetheart, but falling for man 12 years older


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 10th December 2017, 11:15 AM   #31
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Dear OP, here comes a post from the opposite side of the fence. I am a male in my late 40s -- so I am posting from a very different POV than a lot of the females here.

#1) It doesn't sound like you have actually done anything to jeopardize your marriage. There is nothing wrong with talking to other people and discussing things. Nowhere in your marraige document does it state you are not allowed to speak or talk to any males other than your husband. You havent slept with this person and you two haven't gotten into long winded discussions about your feelings for each other. (Are you even sure he has feelings for you?)

#2) I am just getting out of a quasi emotional affair with a much younger woman. All the thoughts and fantasies you are having are totally normal and they are just that -- thoughts and fantasies. They are a big of a mental stimulant and a high and its kind of nice riding on them.. as long as you keep them separate from the real world and reality. As long as you are a person with values and have an ability to empathize with other people and their feelings you should be fine.

3#) I ended my emotional affair because I was thinking too much about this girl and I knew it was only going to get harder and worse for me and also because I ultimately figured out that I was lying to myself. I did really like her a lot because of the person that she was and at the same time I really liked her because of a person she was not. I liked her for her youth and because she reminded me of girls and girlfriends I used to fall head over heels with when I was in my 20s and closer to her age. So I really just liked her because she was younger and reminded me of myself as a younger person. It wasn't fair for me to continue our little emotional rescue and me be responsible for fights in her home or jeopardize her home life.

FWIW, based on your short description of your history in your town.. it sounds like you are a person who has morals and values and you probably don't want to get into affairs and complicate your life. It causes lots of pain to a lot of people.
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Old 10th December 2017, 11:19 AM   #32
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Thank you for your input! I truly hope that once Iím not working side by side with him every day things will get better. I feel horrible though because my husband can see Iíve been distant lately and I just donít know how to make my feelings for him and that spark come back. Do you think if I go NC things will eventually go back to how it was before I met this man?
No. It doesn't work like that. You've already let another man take your husband's place in your love life. Not to rake you over the coals but if you had any respect for your husband you would have kept a wide berth of this guy and addressed the issues in your marriage like an adult who has responsibilities.

You already gone down the "I can't stop myself, this thing is too powerful to control" fantasy" As with everything it's only until you see the hurt in the person who trusted you the most do you wish why you hadn't stopped it or at least addressed it without it getting too far.

I would suggest, I don't know actually being honest with yourself and your husband and addressing what is happening. You'll either work it out before it's too late or decide that the marriage has run it's course.
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Old 10th December 2017, 11:53 AM   #33
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You are not a terrible person for being attracted to this guy, itís called a crush, you are only human, the heart wants what the heart wants, itís how you act on it, you need to focus here, the good thing is he is moving, NC is the best thing, focus on your family, excercise, itís a great time to bake for the holidays, DO NOT listen to music that reminds you of him. For the love of God, BLOCK HIM from texting or calling, I canít stress that enough, hang in there. You can do this, this will pass but only you can make the decision, keep in mind also, this guy is 40 and experienced, sounds like he is an experienced player, im sure he is loving his ego stroked by you, donít let him use you, your better then that. It will hurt 1000x more later. Let us know how your doing
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Old 10th December 2017, 12:23 PM   #34
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Dear OP, here comes a post from the opposite side of the fence. I am a male in my late 40s -- so I am posting from a very different POV than a lot of the females here.

#1) It doesn't sound like you have actually done anything to jeopardize your marriage. There is nothing wrong with talking to other people and discussing things. Nowhere in your marraige document does it state you are not allowed to speak or talk to any males other than your husband. You havent slept with this person and you two haven't gotten into long winded discussions about your feelings for each other. (Are you even sure he has feelings for you?)

#2) I am just getting out of a quasi emotional affair with a much younger woman. All the thoughts and fantasies you are having are totally normal and they are just that -- thoughts and fantasies. They are a big of a mental stimulant and a high and its kind of nice riding on them.. as long as you keep them separate from the real world and reality. As long as you are a person with values and have an ability to empathize with other people and their feelings you should be fine.

3#) I ended my emotional affair because I was thinking too much about this girl and I knew it was only going to get harder and worse for me and also because I ultimately figured out that I was lying to myself. I did really like her a lot because of the person that she was and at the same time I really liked her because of a person she was not. I liked her for her youth and because she reminded me of girls and girlfriends I used to fall head over heels with when I was in my 20s and closer to her age. So I really just liked her because she was younger and reminded me of myself as a younger person. It wasn't fair for me to continue our little emotional rescue and me be responsible for fights in her home or jeopardize her home life.

FWIW, based on your short description of your history in your town.. it sounds like you are a person who has morals and values and you probably don't want to get into affairs and complicate your life. It causes lots of pain to a lot of people.
Thank you so much for your valuable input!

1) Your question at the end here of "does he even have feelings for me" is actually something that I have stopped and thought long and hard about. Since neither of us have openly and directly said anything, for all I know I could be blowing things up and fantasizing in my head when he may view it as just a friendship or someone whom he enjoys spending time with. That's certainly a point to keep in mind...

2) I am glad to hear that you are healing and moving on from your quasi emotional affair. I think you're spot on...I am loving the "high" I get during my interactions with this man. I think since I started dating my husband seriously at age 16, I am loving the feelings of newness and excitement I've been experiencing. However, I am not stupid and know that all relationships start out with these feelings of euphoria and ultimately grow into a deeper love where it's no longer butterflies and constant excitement. The strange thing is, I was always happy to be in my committed relationship and never longed for those feelings of "newness" until I recently started experiencing those feelings again.

3) If I had to guess, I would say this man at work I have a crush on probably feels the same way as you. He probably feels flattered by my "crush" and is enjoying the flattery until he returns across the country to Nevada at the end of this week.

Thank you again for being so kind and providing me with excellent advice and input!
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Old 10th December 2017, 12:28 PM   #35
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You are not a terrible person for being attracted to this guy, itís called a crush, you are only human, the heart wants what the heart wants, itís how you act on it, you need to focus here, the good thing is he is moving, NC is the best thing, focus on your family, excercise, itís a great time to bake for the holidays, DO NOT listen to music that reminds you of him. For the love of God, BLOCK HIM from texting or calling, I canít stress that enough, hang in there. You can do this, this will pass but only you can make the decision, keep in mind also, this guy is 40 and experienced, sounds like he is an experienced player, im sure he is loving his ego stroked by you, donít let him use you, your better then that. It will hurt 1000x more later. Let us know how your doing
Thank you so much for your input! I have been thinking about my situation nonstop this weekend and taking in everything (good and bad) people have said to me on this forum. I don't think at this point I can make these feelings of a crush disappear, however, I do know that no matter how hard it is, I need to stop initiating texting with him (especially once we no longer work together) and focus on my relationship with my loving husband. I think the reason why I've been emotionally distant from my husband recently is because I have been spending so much time and energy analyzing and obsessing over this whole situation rather than trying to place my time and energy into being present in the moment with my husband if that makes sense. I'm hoping once I allow myself to breathe and calm down and stop causing myself so much anxiety about all of this, I will be able to think more clearly and start relaxing and enjoying my time with my husband.
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Old 10th December 2017, 12:37 PM   #36
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Thank you so much for your input! I have been thinking about my situation nonstop this weekend and taking in everything (good and bad) people have said to me on this forum. I don't think at this point I can make these feelings of a crush disappear, however, I do know that no matter how hard it is, I need to stop initiating texting with him (especially once we no longer work together) and focus on my relationship with my loving husband. I think the reason why I've been emotionally distant from my husband recently is because I have been spending so much time and energy analyzing and obsessing over this whole situation rather than trying to place my time and energy into being present in the moment with my husband if that makes sense. I'm hoping once I allow myself to breathe and calm down and stop causing myself so much anxiety about all of this, I will be able to think more clearly and start relaxing and enjoying my time with my husband.
It makes perfect sense and you're right.

You need to stop texting this man altogether, not just "initiating" texts.
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Old 10th December 2017, 12:42 PM   #37
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I am loving the "high" I get during my interactions with this man. I think since I started dating my husband seriously at age 16, I am loving the feelings of newness and excitement I've been experiencing. However, I am not stupid and know that all relationships start out with these feelings of euphoria and ultimately grow into a deeper love where it's no longer butterflies and constant excitement. The strange thing is, I was always happy to be in my committed relationship and never longed for those feelings of "newness" until I recently started experiencing those feelings again.
You're human. It's totally normal to feel this way and it's how most affairs start.
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Old 10th December 2017, 2:20 PM   #38
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Thank you so much for your input! I have been thinking about my situation nonstop this weekend and taking in everything (good and bad) people have said to me on this forum. I don't think at this point I can make these feelings of a crush disappear, however, I do know that no matter how hard it is, I need to stop initiating texting with him (especially once we no longer work together) and focus on my relationship with my loving husband. I think the reason why I've been emotionally distant from my husband recently is because I have been spending so much time and energy analyzing and obsessing over this whole situation rather than trying to place my time and energy into being present in the moment with my husband if that makes sense. I'm hoping once I allow myself to breathe and calm down and stop causing myself so much anxiety about all of this, I will be able to think more clearly and start relaxing and enjoying my time with my husband.
Hello OP,

You are actually in a "good" position right now. You haven't crossed the lines. There's no need to divorce your husband.

You seem like a moral person who has always done the right thing and now suddenly you have all these feelings and they are "wrong" and yet they feel so right.

You've done the right thing coming here and talking about it. I wish I had done these things. You are getting the harsh advice you're getting because you really are at the crossroads where you really haven't done anything wrong yet.

First of all. FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS are okay. Accept that you have them. You are not bad, you have them and that doesn't mean you want to cheat. We have all sorts of feelings every day and we don't act on them, this is no different.

As long as you keep them as feelings and thoughts and do not take action. That's the key. Do not act on them. Allow yourself to have the feelings.

You are at a key spot here, OP. Luckily, he's leaving.

You need to look deeper at what this is really about. You are feeling like you may have settled down too young and the grass might be greener around you. Turn your focus on your H. Why did you marry him? Why did you fall in love with him? Think about what you're avoiding in the relationship that might be causing you to have these feelings. Reconnect somehow.

If someone would've given me this advice (and I had taken it), I wouldn't be here where I'm at right now. The affair road is not the road you want to take. It feels good, but think about it: you are putting your happiness in someone else. You are looking at someone else to give you self-worth. Pretty soon your dignity goes right along with it. It is a horrible roller coaster ride and it is a horrible addiction. You just can't wait for that next high. But meanwhile, you will go through hell with the guilt, secrecy and lies.

You can make the choice. I wish someone had told me that all my feelings, thoughts and obsessions were okay to have. I don't know if I would've listened, but I hope I would.

Read all the stories here and try to learn from them. I hope you aren't one of the ones who has to go to the "school of hard knocks," apparently I was.

Don't think that you aren't in control, because you are. You are in control of your actions. Own them and take responsibility. Really do some deep thinking about why you are having these feelings. And really try to communicate with your husband. Force the communication. You can even tell him you don't feel right about your relationship and you feel like you need to reconnect somehow.

The people who will be the harshest with you are the betrayed. They've been through this and they hurt when they see people like you heading down this path. As a wayward (cheater), I hurt when I see people like you heading down this path.

Good luck, OP. Remember: the thoughts you are having are okay, acting on them is not.
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Old 10th December 2017, 2:53 PM   #39
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Thank you so much for your input! I have been thinking about my situation nonstop this weekend and taking in everything (good and bad) people have said to me on this forum. I don't think at this point I can make these feelings of a crush disappear, however, I do know that no matter how hard it is, I need to stop initiating texting with him (especially once we no longer work together) and focus on my relationship with my loving husband. I think the reason why I've been emotionally distant from my husband recently is because I have been spending so much time and energy analyzing and obsessing over this whole situation rather than trying to place my time and energy into being present in the moment with my husband if that makes sense. I'm hoping once I allow myself to breathe and calm down and stop causing myself so much anxiety about all of this, I will be able to think more clearly and start relaxing and enjoying my time with my husband.
I think I will always have a crush on my MM, I donít think it will ever go away but time has been healing my heart with LC, I still have to see him sometimes at work and my heart melts, I had that same anxiety for months and did not want to be around my H at all, my blood pressure got really high, I had to even go to the Dr. for anxiety pills, I thought I was going to have a melt down, but itís gotten better over time, itís like getting over a drug addiction, I couldnít believe it happened to me, it was not in my character at all, I always frowned upon people who cheated, Iíve always been a strong independent woman with no addictions, so I get it, you feel out of control, youíll get there, stay strong. LS has helped me tremendously
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Old 10th December 2017, 4:00 PM   #40
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Hello OP,

You are actually in a "good" position right now. You haven't crossed the lines. There's no need to divorce your husband.

You seem like a moral person who has always done the right thing and now suddenly you have all these feelings and they are "wrong" and yet they feel so right.

You've done the right thing coming here and talking about it. I wish I had done these things. You are getting the harsh advice you're getting because you really are at the crossroads where you really haven't done anything wrong yet.

First of all. FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS are okay. Accept that you have them. You are not bad, you have them and that doesn't mean you want to cheat. We have all sorts of feelings every day and we don't act on them, this is no different.

As long as you keep them as feelings and thoughts and do not take action. That's the key. Do not act on them. Allow yourself to have the feelings.

You are at a key spot here, OP. Luckily, he's leaving.

You need to look deeper at what this is really about. You are feeling like you may have settled down too young and the grass might be greener around you. Turn your focus on your H. Why did you marry him? Why did you fall in love with him? Think about what you're avoiding in the relationship that might be causing you to have these feelings. Reconnect somehow.

If someone would've given me this advice (and I had taken it), I wouldn't be here where I'm at right now. The affair road is not the road you want to take. It feels good, but think about it: you are putting your happiness in someone else. You are looking at someone else to give you self-worth. Pretty soon your dignity goes right along with it. It is a horrible roller coaster ride and it is a horrible addiction. You just can't wait for that next high. But meanwhile, you will go through hell with the guilt, secrecy and lies.

You can make the choice. I wish someone had told me that all my feelings, thoughts and obsessions were okay to have. I don't know if I would've listened, but I hope I would.

Read all the stories here and try to learn from them. I hope you aren't one of the ones who has to go to the "school of hard knocks," apparently I was.

Don't think that you aren't in control, because you are. You are in control of your actions. Own them and take responsibility. Really do some deep thinking about why you are having these feelings. And really try to communicate with your husband. Force the communication. You can even tell him you don't feel right about your relationship and you feel like you need to reconnect somehow.

The people who will be the harshest with you are the betrayed. They've been through this and they hurt when they see people like you heading down this path. As a wayward (cheater), I hurt when I see people like you heading down this path.

Good luck, OP. Remember: the thoughts you are having are okay, acting on them is not.
Ah, thank you SO much for these kind words! I feel like your post is very helpful and gives me a great perspective. You were able to get a solid point across without being too harsh, which is what I need right now. I am going to try to take things one day at a time, starting with today by not texting or communicating with him. Tomorrow at work with him will be difficult as we have to work side by side since he is my intern, but like everyone has been saying, if I get those feelings this week at work of butterflies and excitement, I just need to finish my work day and go home to my loving husband and just let the feelings be what they are for now. And eventually my hope is once he's gone and if starting today I stop outside communication with him I will be on the path to success.
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Old 10th December 2017, 4:02 PM   #41
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Ah, thank you SO much for these kind words! I feel like your post is very helpful and gives me a great perspective. You were able to get a solid point across without being too harsh, which is what I need right now. I am going to try to take things one day at a time, starting with today by not texting or communicating with him. Tomorrow at work with him will be difficult as we have to work side by side since he is my intern, but like everyone has been saying, if I get those feelings this week at work of butterflies and excitement, I just need to finish my work day and go home to my loving husband and just let the feelings be what they are for now. And eventually my hope is once he's gone and if starting today I stop outside communication with him I will be on the path to success.
Atta girl.
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Old 10th December 2017, 4:02 PM   #42
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I think I will always have a crush on my MM, I donít think it will ever go away but time has been healing my heart with LC, I still have to see him sometimes at work and my heart melts, I had that same anxiety for months and did not want to be around my H at all, my blood pressure got really high, I had to even go to the Dr. for anxiety pills, I thought I was going to have a melt down, but itís gotten better over time, itís like getting over a drug addiction, I couldnít believe it happened to me, it was not in my character at all, I always frowned upon people who cheated, Iíve always been a strong independent woman with no addictions, so I get it, you feel out of control, youíll get there, stay strong. LS has helped me tremendously
I feel for you, I really do! That sucks you still have to see him at work. Although I am devastated that my co-worker will be leaving this week, it is ultimately for the best for me and my marriage. I honestly think the anxiety is the worst part of it so far for me! My heart has been pounding and I feel nauseous due to my constant worrying thoughts about this situation. I want the feelings I've been having to be erased from my mind, but it sucks because they are what they are for now and I just need to not act on them.
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Old 10th December 2017, 5:13 PM   #43
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Ah, thank you SO much for these kind words! I feel like your post is very helpful and gives me a great perspective. You were able to get a solid point across without being too harsh, which is what I need right now. I am going to try to take things one day at a time, starting with today by not texting or communicating with him. Tomorrow at work with him will be difficult as we have to work side by side since he is my intern, but like everyone has been saying, if I get those feelings this week at work of butterflies and excitement, I just need to finish my work day and go home to my loving husband and just let the feelings be what they are for now. And eventually my hope is once he's gone and if starting today I stop outside communication with him I will be on the path to success.
Good for you.

A feeling is just a feeling, unless you act on it. They will come and go, and come and go, and come and go again... Ignore this feeling and know, this too shall pass...

And, when he is gone from your life, start to focus some of that energy on your husband... Do something fun together, and create a little more excitement and joy in that relationship. How great would this Christmas be if you were able to do that!

Last edited by BaileyB; 10th December 2017 at 5:25 PM..
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Old 10th December 2017, 5:35 PM   #44
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I feel for you, I really do! That sucks you still have to see him at work. Although I am devastated that my co-worker will be leaving this week, it is ultimately for the best for me and my marriage. I honestly think the anxiety is the worst part of it so far for me! My heart has been pounding and I feel nauseous due to my constant worrying thoughts about this situation. I want the feelings I've been having to be erased from my mind, but it sucks because they are what they are for now and I just need to not act on them.
This might sound silly but it helped me some with the anxiety over my MM, I downloaded the apps Calm and Headspace to help me relax. Ugh... I feel your pain, wish I could give you a hug, I’ll be praying for you.

Last edited by treehugger12; 10th December 2017 at 5:46 PM..
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Old 10th December 2017, 6:31 PM   #45
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He's testing the waters, playing the game... don't fall for it.

And to answer your question, there would be nothing keeping him from doing the exact same thing to you in a couple years... in fact, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

This man has shown you who he is - a 40 year old "bachelor" who has no plans to make a serious commitment because he likes to play the field and has no respect for boundaries. When he shows you who he is, believe him.

Your marriage may not be as "new" and "exciting," but I can guarantee you that your husband is a better man. You will definitely find more happiness raising a family with your husband than if you start chasing rainbows with this other man...
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This might sound silly but it helped me some with the anxiety over my MM, I downloaded the apps Calm and Headspace to help me relax. Ugh... I feel your pain, wish I could give you a hug, Iíll be praying for you.
Thank you so much! Same to you. I am staying strong so far today with not texting him, but it is SO hard! I need to tell myself he probably isnít in to me as much as Iím into him anyways..Iíve pretty much always been the one to initiate a texting conversation and then he goes along with it and it turns flirtatious.
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