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Married HS Sweetheart, but falling for man 12 years older


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 9th December 2017, 5:46 PM   #1
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Married HS Sweetheart, but falling for man 12 years older

Long story short,

I met my husband at 16 years old and we dated for 10 years before getting married. We have now been married for 2.5 years and are both 28 years old. During these past 12 years together, we have always had such a strong foundation of love and I never questioned our relationship. I have always been extremely happy and in love with him...that is up until recently.

A male co-worker who is 40 years old (and whom has a girlfriend of 4 years) has recently started at my company about 3 months ago. I had absolutely no intentions of falling for him, but as time has progressed I have been finding my feelings for him growing stronger and stronger and feeling more emotionally distant from my husband. I am feeling absolutely guilty and torn up about this as I would never have the intention to intentionally become involved in an emotional affair. Although it has not been verbalized or communicated, I feel as though his attraction to me is mutual as evidenced by subtle flirting and gestures.

I know I'm a terrible person for being so attracted to this man, but I feel as though my emotions at this point are not able to be controlled. I find myself constantly thinking about him and we have started to text and hang out outside of work. Besides obviously this being wrong, I can't even begin to fathom how I'm falling for a man 12 years my senior AND who has a girlfriend!

On top of all of this, this man is very opposite to me. For example, I was born and raised and now live in the same hometown and everything in my life thus far has been very cookie cutter perfect- went straight from HS to get my master's degree, got an awesome full time M-F job, bought a house, got married, got a dog, etc. I've always kind of lived in somewhat of a bubble and I was always okay with that until I met this man. He is totally different in the sense that he is just now figuring out what he wants to do in his life (he is just getting his master's degree), is a flight attendant so constantly is traveling, has lived all over the country, never married and no kids, etc. I never thought this would be appealing to me, but for some reason I am so intrigued with his lifestyle on top of the fact that I'm super attracted to his personality and looks.

I should also mention that I am devastated because he will be moving back to Nevada at the end of this week, so we will no longer be working together. I suppose in the long run this will be the best thing for my marriage, but I have been having so much anxiety about him leaving and feel very guilty about that as well.

So I suppose I don't really have an exact question here other than perhaps venting my feelings and seeing if anyone else has ever been in a similar experience and what the outcome was...good or bad.

Thanks so much!
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Old 9th December 2017, 5:51 PM   #2
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Thank God he is moving. When he does, delete all of his contact information so you don't continue the emotional affair you're already having. It will only end in heartbreak if your significant others find out.

Also, I take offense to your alluding to 40 being "old." (jk )
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Old 9th December 2017, 5:57 PM   #3
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Thank you for the advice! And sorry, I do not consider 40 old, but for me it is strange to be attracted to someone that age since my husband and I are only 3 weeks apart!

My only concern about the whole no contact aspect is...will I have the strength and will power to do this? It is so easy to continue to communicate via texting (he does not have social media) and he is going to continue his job as a flight attendant and has talked about booking jobs to fly to where I live to visit me. I know I can't predict the future, but what if I am a terrible person and can't say no?!
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Old 9th December 2017, 6:00 PM   #4
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Thank you for the advice! And sorry, I do not consider 40 old, but for me it is strange to be attracted to someone that age since my husband and I are only 3 weeks apart!

My only concern about the whole no contact aspect is...will I have the strength and will power to do this? It is so easy to continue to communicate via texting (he does not have social media) and he is going to continue his job as a flight attendant and has talked about booking jobs to fly to where I live to visit me. I know I can't predict the future, but what if I am a terrible person and can't say no?!
Simple. Just decide right now that you're NOT going to be a terrible person and stick to it. Because you can't take that back and you WILL regret it. Once you do it one time.....you're a terrible person. For life. Is that what you want? You need to go cold turkey with this guy, and it doesn't negate your feelings for him, it's just choosing your integrity over the attention he is giving you, which is fleeting. Once he gets to Nevada, he'll likely move on to the next girl....
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Old 9th December 2017, 6:43 PM   #5
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Being mildly tempted occasionally is understandable and human.

But try not to let yourself dwell on it. You know it's not good for you, it won't turn out well in the long run, and it wouldn't be nearly as exciting as it sounds. Obsessing too much over it can make it sound more exciting and romantic than it really is.

Like, cocaine or something. If you spend all your time obsessively wondering how great it would be to do this drug, while telling yourself that you never would because it's bad, but still constantly thinking about how awesome it would be, you may eventually talk yourself into trying things that you KNOW are a terrible idea because you've given them so much power over you.

If you want more excitement in your life, get more excitement in your life. You don't need an affair to do that. You'll have more fun and control over it if you plan some travel on your own.
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Old 9th December 2017, 7:01 PM   #6
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It went from a fleeting thought at the beginning to intense feelings where, like you said, I'm constantly thinking about the what if's. The farthest we've ever gone was to give each other a hug one time, but other than that we have never been physical or even spoken directly about our feelings. It's funny because I know as you said that in the long run I know things would most likely not work out for a number of different reasons, but right now I am feeling extremely tempted and it is scaring me!
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Old 9th December 2017, 8:45 PM   #7
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Thank you for the advice! And sorry, I do not consider 40 old, but for me it is strange to be attracted to someone that age since my husband and I are only 3 weeks apart!

My only concern about the whole no contact aspect is...will I have the strength and will power to do this? It is so easy to continue to communicate via texting (he does not have social media) and he is going to continue his job as a flight attendant and has talked about booking jobs to fly to where I live to visit me. I know I can't predict the future, but what if I am a terrible person and can't say no?!
It seems strange because you married what was presumably your only real boyfriend and never had the experience of dating men in different age brackets for varying lengths of time.

If you decide to go NC, which I highly recommend unless you're willing to end your marriage, you'll have it easier than many. With no social media, and the fact that few people remember phone numbers anymore, once you delete his contact info and all related texts, emails, etc. you won't have a way to contact him. As to strength to stay NC...if there's a will, there's a way.

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It went from a fleeting thought at the beginning to intense feelings where, like you said, I'm constantly thinking about the what if's. The farthest we've ever gone was to give each other a hug one time, but other than that we have never been physical or even spoken directly about our feelings. It's funny because I know as you said that in the long run I know things would most likely not work out for a number of different reasons, but right now I am feeling extremely tempted and it is scaring me!
You were so set on your path that I don't think you really considered other options and lifestyle choices. Now that you're older and have reached an age of experience and maturity, you're starting to wonder. Now the question becomes do you want to change your life and experience other things, other ways of living, other ways of being, or do you want to keep things as they are and continue on the path you chose? Think carefully, you only have one life and life's short.
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Old 9th December 2017, 10:21 PM   #8
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It seems strange because you married what was presumably your only real boyfriend and never had the experience of dating men in different age brackets for varying lengths of time.

If you decide to go NC, which I highly recommend unless you're willing to end your marriage, you'll have it easier than many. With no social media, and the fact that few people remember phone numbers anymore, once you delete his contact info and all related texts, emails, etc. you won't have a way to contact him. As to strength to stay NC...if there's a will, there's a way.


You were so set on your path that I don't think you really considered other options and lifestyle choices. Now that you're older and have reached an age of experience and maturity, you're starting to wonder. Now the question becomes do you want to change your life and experience other things, other ways of living, other ways of being, or do you want to keep things as they are and continue on the path you chose? Think carefully, you only have one life and life's short.
Thank you for your input! I truly hope that once Iím not working side by side with him every day things will get better. I feel horrible though because my husband can see Iíve been distant lately and I just donít know how to make my feelings for him and that spark come back. Do you think if I go NC things will eventually go back to how it was before I met this man?
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Old 9th December 2017, 10:25 PM   #9
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I doubt anyone can tell you much at this time but things once done can never be undone.
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Old 9th December 2017, 10:49 PM   #10
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Thank you for your input! I truly hope that once Iím not working side by side with him every day things will get better. I feel horrible though because my husband can see Iíve been distant lately and I just donít know how to make my feelings for him and that spark come back. Do you think if I go NC things will eventually go back to how it was before I met this man?
YES!!!

You are liking the attention you are getting from this man because it's that new puppy love" feeling, and that feels good. But, guess what? His breath stinks in the morning too, and you'll see **** stains on his underwear when you do the laundry. He's not the God you're making him out to be in your mind.

Focus your attention on the loving man you have. Nurture that and realize that, as grownups, we don't get to have the puppy love feeling all the time if we also want a long term relationship.
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Old 9th December 2017, 11:12 PM   #11
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This guy is grooming you for an affair. He's not going to put any moves on you before he moves because he doesn't want any messiness with jealous husbands and nosy gossip and what have you. Once he is safely far away from possible drama he is going to turn it up. Then he'll start talking to you about his "feelings". He will start spinning a fantasy for you about how you're meant for each other. He will lay on the flattery and ego strokes and he wii then sequey into making your conversations sexual. Why do all that? To get you all hot and heavy for him. Then he will fly in to visit you and have you visit him for some hot sex all while telling you tall tales about how he loves you and you will be together someday. Then he will pack up and go back to where he came from. No mess and no fuss. You are not his first rodeo. He's done this with others and he might even have others on the go right now. He might use you for sex just a few times or he might keep you in rotation for years depending on what type of affairs he's into.

The other possibility is that he's just using you for some fun and ego strokes right now cause he knows you're into him and it makes him feel good. However once he leaves he will pretty much be done with you and any contact from him will soon dwindle to nothing. In either case you are damaging and possibly destroying your marriage for a fantasy. You are playing with fire and you will have nothing to show for it other than pain and misery.

It sounds like you find this guy that exciting because he has had a life and experiences that are far different than yours. You have been on a pretty straight path and there isn't much risk or excitement in your life. Well if you are looking for new experiences and thrills do you really think doing something as lowdown as cheating on your loyal husband or destroying your marriage is the smart way to go about it? Don't be so simple minded and cliche. If you want new and exciting then do something of substance and value, be creative. Anybody can have a trashy affair, that's the easy path to finding cheap thrills. It's really the same as deciding to take up drugs for some immediate good feelings that lead to self destruction. It's shallow and shows a lack of character and creativity. Be a better person then that.
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Old 9th December 2017, 11:28 PM   #12
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It's a good thing that he is moving.

For you to pursue this relationship would be a very poor decision indeed.
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Old 9th December 2017, 11:34 PM   #13
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This guy is grooming you for an affair. He's not going to put any moves on you before he moves because he doesn't want any messiness with jealous husbands and nosy gossip and what have you. Once he is safely far away from possible drama he is going to turn it up. Then he'll start talking to you about his "feelings". He will start spinning a fantasy for you about how you're meant for each other. He will lay on the flattery and ego strokes and he wii then sequey into making your conversations sexual. Why do all that? To get you all hot and heavy for him. Then he will fly in to visit you and have you visit him for some hot sex all while telling you tall tales about how he loves you and you will be together someday. Then he will pack up and go back to where he came from. No mess and no fuss. You are not his first rodeo. He's done this with others and he might even have others on the go right now. He might use you for sex just a few times or he might keep you in rotation for years depending on what type of affairs he's into.

The other possibility is that he's just using you for some fun and ego strokes right now cause he knows you're into him and it makes him feel good. However once he leaves he will pretty much be done with you and any contact from him will soon dwindle to nothing. In either case you are damaging and possibly destroying your marriage for a fantasy. You are playing with fire and you will have nothing to show for it other than pain and misery.

It sounds like you find this guy that exciting because he has had a life and experiences that are far different than yours. You have been on a pretty straight path and there isn't much risk or excitement in your life. Well if you are looking for new experiences and thrills do you really think doing something as lowdown as cheating on your loyal husband or destroying your marriage is the smart way to go about it? Don't be so simple minded and cliche. If you want new and exciting then do something of substance and value, be creative. Anybody can have a trashy affair, that's the easy path to finding cheap thrills. It's really the same as deciding to take up drugs for some immediate good feelings that lead to self destruction. It's shallow and shows a lack of character and creativity. Be a better person then that.
I honestly truly value your advice. I think you are spot on, however, I guess what is confusing for me is that I wasnít looking for excitement or feeling bored or what have you prior to meeting this man. I was very happy and had no complaints. Your point about him using me worries me..the fact that he is 40 and confided in me that this current relationship of his of 4 years is his most serious relationship worries me. Even if he were to truly want to be with me, whatís keeping him from after a few years leaving me for someone else? He made a comment to me once at work that the reason why he has never proposed or been married is because there are plenty of women out there...I suppose that shouldíve been a warning sign there. I guess part of me wants to believe that he said that because he is into me and hoping iíd respond positively to that statement
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Old 9th December 2017, 11:39 PM   #14
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I guess what is confusing for me is that I wasnít looking for excitement or feeling bored or what have you prior to meeting this man.

he is 40 and confided in me that this current relationship of his of 4 years is his most serious relationship worries me.

He made a comment to me once at work that the reason why he has never proposed or been married is because there are plenty of women out there..

I guess part of me wants to believe that he said that because he is into me and hoping iíd respond positively to that statement
LOL and that's exactly what he is hoping, too. You are faling right into it. Don't be this person. You're being faced with a choice right now....be a woman of integrity, or don't be. Which do you choose?
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Old 9th December 2017, 11:39 PM   #15
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He's testing the waters, playing the game... don't fall for it.

And to answer your question, there would be nothing keeping him from doing the exact same thing to you in a couple years... in fact, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

This man has shown you who he is - a 40 year old "bachelor" who has no plans to make a serious commitment because he likes to play the field and has no respect for boundaries. When he shows you who he is, believe him.

Your marriage may not be as "new" and "exciting," but I can guarantee you that your husband is a better man. You will definitely find more happiness raising a family with your husband than if you start chasing rainbows with this other man...

Last edited by BaileyB; 9th December 2017 at 11:43 PM..
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