Crazyorstupid Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 (edited) I am new here, after searching the internet for what feels like forever, i came across this forum. Need some advice, and I do not have anyone to talk to in my personal life. So here it goes.... There is a guy at work I started talking to last February, he is from another country. He came here 4 years ago. When we started this "relationship" I knew he had a girlfriend and child back home in his country. He says they fight and argue all the time and he hasn't been in love with her for a long time. He does not want to break it off with her because he wants his child to come here with him. His child will not come without its mother, which is understandable. Well back in June he went back to his country to marry this women, he agonized over it, but his family convinced him this was the only way for him to be with his kid. He has been very open with me about all of this and everything else. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me. He plans to divorce her when his kid is here. I mostly feel he is being sincere...but sometimes I think he is only with me to pass the time. We talk about it often. And he reassures me he is not playing with me. I just do don't want to waste time on something that will never be. Anyone have any words of wisdom, similar situation, or just any constructive advice that might help. Thank you in advance. Edited November 24, 2017 by Crazyorstupid 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 My advice is that getting involved with someone who is already heavily involved with someone else, (and it doesn't get much heavier than being married with kids), is a ticket to drama. Defo not what you want to hear, but....despite meeting you and being involved with you he went back to his home country and went ahead with a wedding. This shows a lack of respect for everyone involved, you, his wife, his family.....and I think it also demonstrates a very weak character. Sorry, but I think you're asking for a whole lot of trouble. I even suspect that maybe you're being used, even if just to fill a void. I always think that if a person can be dishonest with their spouse/parents/girlfriend, whoever, then they will also have no problem being dishonest with you. I would ask myself, if he's planning to bring his wife to your country with the intention of divorcing her and trying to take the child from her....what sort of man does that? Or the other possible outcome, he's planning to bring his wife there and then continue on seeing you on the sly....what sort of man does that? Either way it sounds like he's drawing you into a mess that will just bring you unhappiness. You deserve all of someone, without the lies and deceit. Good luck 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazyorstupid Posted November 24, 2017 Author Share Posted November 24, 2017 Thank you for your feed back. I didn't come here for what I want to hear, I want to hear people's honest opinions. I sometimes feel as if he is only with me to fill a void. And I have asked my self those questions. But I can't seem to stop loving him and break myself away. Deep down I know, I'm going to get hurt. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 Your user name says it all. I don't really think you are stupid,just very naive. Dump him. What kind of guy does this to his girlfriend? Not the kind you should be involved with. Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 I think you know the answer to your question... Look, he probably does care for you but he is definitely using you for companionship and security - and sex - while he is away from his family. Truth is, you have no idea what is happening in his marriage. You can't really believe a word that he has said, given that he is a proven liar by lying and cheating on his wife. So, don't waste your youth with a man who is married and thus - not yours to keep. Don't let him use you at his convenience and then discard you when he needs to return to his family. You deserve more than that. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
londonlondon Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 If what he is saying is true then it will be a nasty divorce and kids always goes to mother in a divorce until there is a violence or threat from the mother side. What is the guarantee that he will be able to see his kid after they divorce, she could move to another state or goes back to her home country?? I am a single OM and I can see that your buying/bought a ticket for Emotional Roller-Coaster. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 If what he is saying is true then it will be a nasty divorce and kids always goes to mother in a divorce until there is a violence or threat from the mother side. What? Where did you get that from? It's a huge assumption that is certainly not true. It sounds like he comes from a very traditional culture - was it an arranged marriage. If that is true, divorce may not even be a possibility for him... So, don't be under any illusions that he will leave his wife and divorce her. We don't know what is true here... Perhaps he chose to marry her, perhaps his family pressured him to marry. Perhaps he loves her, perhaps they have a bad marriage and he doesn't love her. You will never know for certain because you are only getting one side of the story... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
londonlondon Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 Hi BaileyB, AP told OW: He plans to divorce her when his kid is here. That's why I use "IF" Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 Hi BaileyB, AP told OW: That's why I use "IF" True. Clearly, a truly terrible thing to do. But, kids don't automatically go to the mother... Who know what would happen if this ever was to come to pass. I don't see them sharing joint custody if they are living in different countries. This would be a legal nightmare... Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 What kind of a cruel heartless man would come up with such a plan? To marry a woman while knowing all along that he is going to divorce her. So she will move to your country thinking she is starting her life with her husband but he is going to divorce her so then she will be completely stuck in a new country with no husband and no family. She won't be able to go back home because she obviously is not going to abandon her child. That's your married mans plan? Is he a monster? This is the kind of man you want to be with? I'm sorry to say that I really hope he is not being sincere with you and that he's really not going to do such a hideous thing to his wife. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 You've been with him for four years correct? During all that time he must have taken a phone call from her, skyped her etc, have you heard them arguing? Secondly you've got together with a taken man, regardless of whether their relationship is bad or not. What this man is planning to do, does that sit right with you? It doesn't matter whether they are arguing or not (if they are) he plans to bring them both to into the country, string her along and then divorce her after how many years because there are residency laws which have to be met, she will most likely have to move in with him, all this time you're meant to wait until this "plan" is complete? Obviously the mom will be thrilled when you suddenly pop up and try to take her place in her son's life, the one she's been raising while her boyfriend has been with another woman. If you want drama, then stick with this guy because it's about to explode. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 Thank you for your feed back. I didn't come here for what I want to hear, I want to hear people's honest opinions. I sometimes feel as if he is only with me to fill a void. And I have asked my self those questions. But I can't seem to stop loving him and break myself away. Deep down I know, I'm going to get hurt. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. I find it's best to trust gut feelings. If fleeting doubts and suspicions cross your mind, that's your subconscious waving red flags at you. Without knowing his background and culture, the whole girlfriend and wedding thing sounds a bit dodgy, in a "You-know-how-I-told-you-I-wasn't married?" sorta way. Have you seen photo's of his wife, his family, the wedding, or of his child? Is there anything to substantiate everything he's told you, like a marriage document or dated photos of the event? In your first post you wrote, "relationship", in comma's, so that suggests that it's not the "relationship" that you really want. Loving someone shouldn't involve worry and doubt five minutes after meeting, and certainly shouldn't involve the ludicrous scenario of a man who's in a 'relationship' with you marrying his allegedly-unwanted fiancee. You say you have no one to discuss it with, well, if you were sitting 'round with a group of girlfriends and you were telling them about Mr-Poor-Me-Had-To-Get-Married, they would be shouting, "Run, Crazyorstupid, run! Run away as fast as you can!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazyorstupid Posted November 24, 2017 Author Share Posted November 24, 2017 (edited) Anika99-I do not believe he is a cruel heartless monster, but naturally I would say that. He would not be leaving her in a country completly alone. She also has family here. But I understand where you are coming from with your response. Darren steez- no I have not been with him 4 years. We have only been talking since February. Yes I have heard them on the phone fighting, just about everyday when he calls his kid. Msjayne- yes i have seen photos of his wife, kid and dated photos of the wedding. There is evidence to back up his story. His family here(mom, dad, brothers, uncles, aunts, and cousins) all know about me, and I have met a couple of them. Not saying that makes a difference, but he is open with them about his feelings towards his marriage and about me. I know I'm being stupid and crazy. And no this isnt the kind of relationship i want, but it still isn't easy to let go. Thank you all for your comments, Edited November 24, 2017 by Crazyorstupid Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 People will almost always give clues as to their true character, but you have to be willing to see something you may not like. That's what's happening to you. Let's assume for a minute that she does come to your country to live, bringing their son or daughter along with her. Divorce may not be as easy as you assume. Depending on where he is from and the culture he grew up in, he may feel that he is entitled to have more than one wife. Your country may not look to fondly on a man who brings his wife only to immediately divorce her. Regardless of any of this, the most important way you can tell what he's really like is how he treats the women in his life. So far, he sounds like a disrespectful, self centered lout. I get that it might not matter to you that he's treating his wife like crap, but like I said above, he is giving you a clue. I know it's tempting to blame his behavior on his wife, his fmaily, his culture whatever, but the problem lies in him. If he is willing to treat his wife badly, then you are being given a sneak peek into his true character. Stay with him, and in a few years, it will be you who is dutifully waiting at home while he's out telling some other woman how much he doesn't want to be with you, he'd rather be with her, but you won't let him go. he is the kind of person who needs to have a "placeholder" and as it stands right now, that's you. My guess is you are just another notch on his bedpost, and he may even be seeing other women along with you. Don't fall for his lines. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 Anika99-I do not believe he is a cruel heartless monster, but naturally I would say that. He would not be leaving her in a country completly alone. She also has family here. Darling girl, if this really is his plan - and it's hard to believe that it is because it is so awful - then he is indeed, a cruel and heartless monster. What kind of a man would do that to his child and the mother of his child? If he does plan to do this, then he does not deserve custody of his child. And you, should not be with a man who could be so cruel to a woman. If this is his true character, that is very disturbing indeed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 It would be incredibly wrong to marry a woman and bring her into the country intending to divorce her unless she was in on the plan. Of course, doing it intentionally like that is also kind of illegal in many countries, it's considered a kind of immigration fraud. By my personal morality I don't have a problem with marrying a friend or more-or-less ex for immigration purposes as long as everyone is in agreement, but my personal morality does not control laws. But really. If you actually believe that he intends to leave her, doing this to her without telling her IS heartless. Even if she gets a better life out of it in a new coutnry where her family is. That's dragging her through a huge upheaval in her life under false pretenses! She would be incredibly hurt and angry. She would, quite rightly, feel that she had been used and abused so that HE could get what he wanted, with NO thought to her whatsoever. So either he's completely lying to you, or he is contemplating a horrible act towards his wife. The honest and honorable thing to do, if he really wanted to be with you and also wanted to see his child, would be to TELL HER and make plans with her in order to reach the best compromise for all concerned. Acting out of cowardice only pushes pain into the future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 OP, have you heard a single person say "this guy sounds like a good guy" or "this relationship is going to be a good thing for you..." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 Seems like a weird plan. What is to stop her getting a divorce and whisking the child right back to her home country..? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazyorstupid Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 I just messaged him and told him we need to have a long talk face to face. I want to know exactly what his intentions are. You all have made me realize alot about myself and about him. Honestly alot of these opinions have crossed my mind, guess I needed an outsider to confirm my thoughts. Not sure why I needed that, maybe it was the small thoughts of denial. I think he is using me and i am using him to fill a void. I need to find another outlet. I don't want to be someone's dirty little secret. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 (edited) I just messaged him and told him we need to have a long talk face to face. I want to know exactly what his intentions are. You all have made me realize alot about myself and about him. Honestly alot of these opinions have crossed my mind, guess I needed an outsider to confirm my thoughts. Not sure why I needed that, maybe it was the small thoughts of denial. I think he is using me and i am using him to fill a void. I need to find another outlet. I don't want to be someone's dirty little secret. No, you do not want to be someone's dirty little secret. Don't waste your youth in a dead end relationship when you have the opportunity to find another relationship that will bring you every joy... You have no idea what you are missing and absolutely no idea what life may bring for you when you find a SINGLE man who wants to share his life with you. Be prepared for him to tell you that he wants you, that he will divorce his wife, and you will be together forever... It's just going to take some time because it's complicated. As the renowned Dr Phil says, how will you know if he's lying - if his mouth is moving... You are a smart, strong woman. You've made an extremely poor decision. This is a defining moment in your life - you have the ability to change your life and find a much better path. If you don't stand up for yourself and demand respect, then who will... Edited November 25, 2017 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Thank you for your feed back. I didn't come here for what I want to hear, I want to hear people's honest opinions. I sometimes feel as if he is only with me to fill a void. And I have asked my self those questions. But I can't seem to stop loving him and break myself away. Deep down I know, I'm going to get hurt. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. He's not a good guy. He's hurt you, his now wife and his child by lying about everything! He's now got a plan to remove her even though he just married her? The guy is a jerk. You won't consider dating someone new unless you create that space for a new man - one that's better and honest - time to cut him out so you have a chance to date a man who will treat you right. This guy is really bad news. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I just messaged him and told him we need to have a long talk face to face. I want to know exactly what his intentions are. You all have made me realize alot about myself and about him. Honestly alot of these opinions have crossed my mind, guess I needed an outsider to confirm my thoughts. Not sure why I needed that, maybe it was the small thoughts of denial. I think he is using me and i am using him to fill a void. I need to find another outlet. I don't want to be someone's dirty little secret. Too bad you tipped him off - now he will just avoid you so you don't talk about it. He will likey pour on more charm and gifts to keep you in position. Just send a text saying "no more!" Then block him. This is only up to you - you don't need his input! He gave you his input when he married someone else while dating you. No need for any more formal conversation with him - he will only snow you further...for his own selfish needs. You look out for yourself! He obviously isn't! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazyorstupid Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 Too bad you tipped him off - now he will just avoid you so you don't talk about it. He will likey pour on more charm and gifts to keep you in position. Just send a text saying "no more!" Then block him. This is only up to you - you don't need his input! He gave you his input when he married someone else while dating you. No need for any more formal conversation with him - he will only snow you further...for his own selfish needs. You look out for yourself! He obviously isn't! He asked to come to my house tomorrow so we can talk. I told him no, I don't want to talk at my house. I want neutral ground. Its not as easy as just texting and then blocking him, and calling it a day. I work with him. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 He asked to come to my house tomorrow so we can talk. I told him no, I don't want to talk at my house. I want neutral ground. Its not as easy as just texting and then blocking him, and calling it a day. I work with him. Find a new job so you can be free of him! I'm serious - you need a clean break so you can have some happiness in your future! Seeing him often will just be a roadblock from helping yourself and your future happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I just messaged him and told him we need to have a long talk face to face. I want to know exactly what his intentions are. You all have made me realize alot about myself and about him. Honestly alot of these opinions have crossed my mind, guess I needed an outsider to confirm my thoughts. Not sure why I needed that, maybe it was the small thoughts of denial. I think he is using me and i am using him to fill a void. I need to find another outlet. I don't want to be someone's dirty little secret. xMM called me his outlet and I dumped him. It's a term that certainly made me see him in a different light. Link to post Share on other sites
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