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So, xMM showed up at my home at 0300...


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...rousing me from my sleep,

and I let him in.

 

Poppy mentioned in the thread started by kick_theleaves that she couldn't allow her xAP anywhere near her because of how she reacts to him. I knew I would react the same, and xMM knew it, too. This is why he did this. He also did it because he can...

 

By doing this, he has also learned that he can simply show up at my home unannounced at any time with no consequences. For a split second, I had considered calling the police. But my instinct was to open the door. I felt it would be cruel to call them, and I felt it would be cruel to ignore him. Of course, I would wager that I would not have such a warm welcome if I were to show up at his house for any reason and/or at any time... I also said I would tell his wife if he showed up to my home... but I don't think I am going to do that either. I just want to move on and be over it.

 

He told me he just wanted to check on me. He hadn't heard anything from me.

He said he just wanted to make sure I was OK.

He said he had asked my co-worker to ask me if I would call him. I got that message, but actively ignored it and carried on with no contact. It was ridiculous. If he had lost or damaged his phone, how did he magically have my co-worker's phone number...

 

He responded in (fake?) shock and disbelief when I told him I had planned never to contact him again, like he was hurt by my words. He said, "Well, at least you are honest." I told him I had no reason to lie to him.

When I asked him questions about his past behavior and actions toward me, he replied with redirection, as usual, and attempted to turn things around on me. Or he gave answers to questions I hadn't asked. He also pretended not to understand the disrespect to me by showing up unannounced and in the middle of the night. Exclaiming "So what?!" when I kept harping on this fact.

 

I know he doesn't respect my boundaries. He was hoping to press the reset button. Perhaps he was hoping for me to stroke parts of his body like I have done in the past. Thank God I didn't do that.

 

But I have been suffering from asking the What If questions... like what if he is being sincere?

 

I did however give him a massive ego stroke by sharing exactly how I have been feeling during this period of no contact. I turned on the light in the living room and let him see the mess I had failed to clean up before bed. I read parts of my journal. I told him I still had feelings for him.

 

He gave me a hug, and I hugged him back. I couldn't help it. I wanted him to hug me, and I wanted to hug him back. Even though my mind knows that he is unavailable, he is someone's husband, my body remembers him as mine. This is a terrible feeling.

 

He tried to sell me on having divorced his wife, but brought no evidence. When he touched me inappropriately, I flew into a rage and accused him of coming over just to have sex with me, for thinking that is all I am good for. I told him emphatically not to come back and not to call if he was not serious about me. He stormed out and drove off without looking back but not before admonishing me about how my actions should match my words. I have a problem with him saying that to me, as I have stayed away from him and he purposely invaded my space!

 

Although I was able to get back to sleep, my emotions went haywire after I woke up. Because I have been actively processing my feelings and working on myself since the end of the affair, I was able to calm myself down and be patient with myself without resorting to calling him to "clarify" or "give him a piece of my mind." Maybe we are both having a hard time letting go and moving on. I admit that I have compassion for his possible hurting, but I cannot allow my compassion for him to supersede the compassion I have for me. I have also resolved to continue no contact and not to answer the door if he does it again. It has happened, and cannot be undone. So, a resolution is all I can do.

 

OK, fellow LoveShackers, I have put on my protective gear, now let me have it...

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I am sorry you had to experience this. Pure narcissist trying to turn things back on you and invade your space. Good on you for sticking up for yourself. ((hugs))

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What_Did_I_Do

How awful. One of my biggest xmm fears is that he shows up at my door (with no divorce papers in hand). At the safety of my home. Where I am most vulnerable.

 

These men are unbelievable. After all that he has the nerve to show up at your place and proclaim 'the divorce is near Vivir!'. Ugh. What a jack***.

 

True, he probably is missing you...but not in the way you are missing him. He was hoping to get sex and/or restart the affair.

 

But now you see what he really wanted all along. He made that very clear with this visit. It doesn't ease the pain at all but maybe the picture and the 'whys' are a little clearer.

 

Keep moving forward V. You got this!

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I admit that I have compassion for his possible hurting, but I cannot allow my compassion for him to supersede the compassion I have for me.

 

This. Always remember this. You di not allow him to make you a booty call. Now, resolve that you will not answer the door if he ever comes calling again.

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(((Vivir))) I really feel for you - that was traumatic and must have left you feeling very emotionally fragile and confused. The ripples will last a few days, but you'll get past it and good for you for saying that you will not open the door for him if he tries it again.

 

A few specific thoughts below: -

 

I would wager that I would not have such a warm welcome if I were to show up at his house for any reason and/or at any time...

 

Absolutely. If he and his wife are in reconciliation (? - sorry, I don't know your full back story), then I can only imagine his horror if you were to turn up at his door. This makes it even more cruel and selfish of him to do it to you and an abuse of the affair dynamic.

 

He told me he just wanted to check on me. He hadn't heard anything from me. He said he just wanted to make sure I was OK. He said he had asked my co-worker to ask me if I would call him.

 

Unbelievably lame reasons. Straight out of MM 101 handbook!

 

I know he doesn't respect my boundaries. He was hoping to press the reset button. Perhaps he was hoping for me to stroke parts of his body like I have done in the past. Thank God I didn't do that.

 

Yes, I think you are spot on with what you say. Well done for standing your ground.

 

But I have been suffering from asking the What If questions... like what if he is being sincere?

 

As a former MM in an affair myself, I would suggest that he probably WAS being sincere, at least in some ways. I mean, he probably does still think and care for you a lot and there probably was an element of wanting to check on you to see if you were okay and show you he still cares. This is how I felt myself post A (although I didn't show up at her place). But even if there is an element of sincerity, what he did is still totally wrong. He didn't respect your boundaries, he's set back your recovery several days, he probably did also have other less honourable intentions (as well as the genuine ones) and, bottom line...he's still not leaving his wife.

 

Maybe we are both having a hard time letting go and moving on. I admit that I have compassion for his possible hurting

 

Again, from my own experience as an MM in an affair, I am very confident that he is indeed having problems moving on and has genuine feelings for you. He may well love you in his own way. This is the mess MMs get ourselves into. We often start affairs with our head in the clouds not worrying about consequences and thinking that it "will all be ok". Then we wake up one day to realise that massive damage has already been done, feelings have developed, decisions have to be made - and none of the options result in a happy result for everyone. Typically, we realise that we "can't" leave our wives, but at the same time we will not let go of the OW and are addicted to the affair. It's a no-win situation and heartbreak for at least one person (usually several) is almost guaranteed. It's an awful situation to be in - I know that from experience. But no sympathy for the MM here - it is a situation completely of our own making and we should have engaged brain right at the beginning. In fairness, this can also often be said of the OW, who should share responsibility. The exception being when the MM lied and future-faked right from the word go. OK, I'm starting to waffle here...I'm just trying to make the point that yes, it is, in all likelyhood, tough for him too!

 

He tried to sell me on having divorced his wife, but brought no evidence.

 

OK, just let me play devil’s advocate here for a minute….

 

So he actually categorically said that he has divorced his wife? Past tense? Do you think there could be even a 1% chance that this is true? And either way, could this be a possible route to closure for you? What I mean is that either he is telling a complete and HUGE lie, or he genuinely has left his wife.

 

How about calling him out on it? Maybe a text to the effect “MM, the other day you told me you had divorced your wife. If this is genuinely true, send me documentary evidence and then perhaps we can discuss further. If not, then you have told me yet another huge lie in order to manipulate me. In which case please never dare contact me in any form ever again.”

 

IDK, possibly not the best idea – just thinking out loud!

 

I cannot allow my compassion for him to supersede the compassion I have for me. I have also resolved to continue no contact and not to answer the door if he does it again. It has happened, and cannot be undone. So, a resolution is all I can do.

 

Good for you Vivir. Be strong, stick to the path and you will be OK! We are here for you.

Edited by jenkins95
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Vivir, I went to read all your posts, my feeling is your xMM is such a liar.

 

If he could lie/hide his wife's pregnancy from you, he doesn't value you at all. He wants to hide everything about his life from you, try to pretend to be a new or maybe perfect person to lure you. Nevertheless, it doesn't matter because you have developed your feelings for him, and that feeling is fantasy, that's why even when you discovered the ugly truth, you still cannot let go. If you were dating any single guy and you found out that they'd been lying to you, you would probably dump them already because that's real life.

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Just one comment about your body remembering him as yours. This is one of the main reasons I know I need to stay away. I would go so far as to call it a physical addiction. My body craved him and still does occasionally, but not with the intensity I used to feel. Going cold turkey and maintaining NC, for me, was the only way to break the physical addiction.

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I know he doesn't respect my boundaries.

 

Because you don't respect your own boundaries either so why should he?

 

Start loving and putting yourself first and please, do all that you can do stop having so much compassion for him. Find that compassion for yourself!

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Imo, a sincere man, who is serious about you, does not turn up at your home at 3 o'clock in the morning and storm off when he realises there will be no sex.

If he were serious about divorcing and being with you, he wouldn't need to manipulate and sneak up on you. He could easily email you proof of the divorce and ask you out on a proper date.

I get why you let him in, but you really shouldn't have.

Letting him in means you're still holding out hope for this realtionship to turn in to something more.

Now he knows it and will try to have another go at you.

Don't interact with him again. He has nothing to offer you.

You have been strong but you need to be even stronger.

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I get so excited when I see replies to my threads and postings :) Thanks everybody!

 

It turns out I would have been well within my right not to answer the door at all. We live and we learn. This happened over the weekend, and I am doing pretty well on Tuesday. I think that means I'm making some real progress in my attempts to move on. I want to take the time to reply to everyone :)

 

He came to check up on you to make sure there was no other man in your bed, is my guess.

...and yes he was hoping for sex too...

 

Well, that is disappointing, considering that he has had another woman in his bed since the very beginning. I would've been embarrassed had someone else been at my place, but I don't think I would've answered the door... In any case, I am so glad I did not give him the thing he probably very much wanted. Now he can see how it feels to be left completely unsatisfied and ashamed after a meeting with me. That sounds like revenge though, doesn't it? :sick:

 

I am sorry you had to experience this. Pure narcissist trying to turn things back on you and invade your space. Good on you for sticking up for yourself. ((hugs))

 

Thanks whattodo77! This whole thing has been kind of anticlimactic for me, considering that I did so many "wrong" things while (struggling) standing up for myself. It would've been so much better had he not shown up at all...

 

How awful. One of my biggest xmm fears is that he shows up at my door (with no divorce papers in hand). At the safety of my home. Where I am most vulnerable.

 

These men are unbelievable. After all that he has the nerve to show up at your place and proclaim 'the divorce is near Vivir!'. Ugh. What a jack***.

 

True, he probably is missing you...but not in the way you are missing him. He was hoping to get sex and/or restart the affair.

 

But now you see what he really wanted all along. He made that very clear with this visit. It doesn't ease the pain at all but maybe the picture and the 'whys' are a little clearer.

 

Keep moving forward V. You got this!

 

Thank you for responding WDID :)

 

I agree. He totally came at me when I would be most vulnerable: I mean, 3AM!! At my home... He likely had been hoping I wouldn't resist him at all. Even I don't understand his logic since we have been in absolute no contact for such a long while.

 

Moreover, he did not proclaim the divorce was near. He stated verbatim that I should congratulate him as he is now divorced! Of course, he brought no divorce decree nor did he volunteer to provide one.

 

Even still, I view him as not being self-aware, and it is destructive to date someone like this if you are self-aware... he would need some time to grieve his failed marriage and process his pain... he would not be in a position to be with me even if he weren't lying... I don't know if he was or wasn't... at this point, I am not sure I care. I care more about whether or not I have been set back by this occurrence.

 

Thank you, WDID, for the support!

 

This. Always remember this. You di not allow him to make you a booty call. Now, resolve that you will not answer the door if he ever comes calling again.

 

BTDT, I swear, for me, that is the one highlight of the entire event. During the entirety of our affair, I was never once able to resist him when he was standing right in front of me. I was far too attracted, comfortable in my own space, selfish, you name it. He always got what he wanted from me (adoration, the best sex I could provide, food, even some small amounts of money, etc.) I suppose it is very difficult for him to be denied those things that were so freely given by a willing someone for so long. All the while, I was left drained and depleted. Well. Not anymore.

 

I am going to work very hard to ready myself for this happening again, but hopefully he won't do it again

:(

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LivingWaterPlease

 

I am going to work very hard to ready myself for this happening again, but hopefully he won't do it again

:(

 

Don't even think about readying yourself for it happening again. Work on your self esteem without him in mind. Seems to me 3 a.m. would be the time when you'd be least vulnerable. Because your guard should be up that something isn't right if someone comes to your door at that hour. I don't think I'd let any man in my house at 3 a.m. unless I was related to him. It's creepy.

 

If I were to hear a knock on my door after 11 p.m. and wasn't expecting anyone I'd get ready to call the police.

 

He disrespected you in an extreme manner by doing this but he couldn't have gotten away with it had your boundaries been healthy. So work on your boundaries with people. Then you won't need to be concerned about what he may or may not do because you'll know what you'll do and that's all that counts.

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Well, thank goodness that you are free from this man.

 

And next time, don't open the door and call the police. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, he will learn pretty fast that you do.

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He was checking to see how much control he still has over you. One of my best friends in the world was involved with a married man. He would show up at her place at 2 and 3 am in the morning after the bars closed, but only if he couldn't find someone at the bar to go home with. She always let him in for sex, then he would go home to his wife. He just wants the power and control over you.

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Gosh, Jenkins, I feel honored that you took so much time and effort to respond to my post. Thank you for your support and helpful sentiments. I really do appreciate it all.

 

I was quite confused about a number of things that happened: mostly that he had nothing new to say, yet he showed up like we had been communicating very recently and I just disappeared... this is not what happened. I couldn't be his friend, and he wasn't willing to try to be mine without the possibility of sex. We agreed months ago that we had arrived at an impasse and there was nowhere else to go AND that we would end contact. And no contact is where we have been...

 

This makes it even more cruel and selfish of him to do it to you and an abuse of the affair dynamic.

 

As a former MM in an affair myself, I would suggest that he probably WAS being sincere, at least in some ways. I mean, he probably does still think and care for you a lot and there probably was an element of wanting to check on you to see if you were okay and show you he still cares. This is how I felt myself post A (although I didn't show up at her place). But even if there is an element of sincerity, what he did is still totally wrong. He didn't respect your boundaries, he's set back your recovery several days, he probably did also have other less honourable intentions (as well as the genuine ones) and, bottom line...he's still not leaving his wife.

 

...

 

But no sympathy for the MM here - it is a situation completely of our own making and we should have engaged brain right at the beginning. In fairness, this can also often be said of the OW, who should share responsibility.

 

...

 

I'm just trying to make the point that yes, it is, in all likelyhood, tough for him too!

 

...

 

So he actually categorically said that he has divorced his wife? Past tense? Do you think there could be even a 1% chance that this is true? And either way, could this be a possible route to closure for you? What I mean is that either he is telling a complete and HUGE lie, or he genuinely has left his wife.

 

How about calling him out on it? Maybe a text to the effect “MM, the other day you told me you had divorced your wife. If this is genuinely true, send me documentary evidence and then perhaps we can discuss further. If not, then you have told me yet another huge lie in order to manipulate me. In which case please never dare contact me in any form ever again.”

 

IDK, possibly not the best idea – just thinking out loud!

 

I felt agitation and anxiety to some degree within the first 12 hours or so, but I have felt surprisingly OK since then... I mean, I realize that I didn't do everything "right" but I didn't dishonor myself by falling back with him in knowing that wasn't what I wanted to do.

 

Thank you for spelling out concisely that what he did was cruel and selfish, since he knew how I felt about him and how difficult it has been for me to come to terms with what happened between us.

 

He stated verbatim that I should congratulate him as he is now divorced! Of course, he brought no divorce decree nor did he volunteer to provide one. I told him that I didn't believe him.

 

You know... one of the key aspects I have been dealing with in processing what happened between us has been my responsibility as the xOW. I apologized to him, on more than one occasion, but specifically as I ended the affair, because I felt that I selfishly allowed him to come into my life in this highly inappropriate way just to let him go after we used each other up. I know that he made decisions, too, but the extent of my guilt up til now has been toward him. If I had not said YES to the affair, he would not have known me in this way, and whatever course his marriage was to take, it would not have involved me at all. He also would not be suffering this loss, if he really is. He would not be feeling this rejection, if he really is. I do feel guilty for these things and everything associated with it. But since I have been processing everything, I realize my guilt has lifted somewhat. Or I have worked through it. But if he shows up like he did, it all comes flooding back... for a minute anyway. Then I realize that what he has done (showing up) was not a decision he made because I did something, it was because he wanted to do it.

 

I have decided to let it go. I am not sending any texts or smoke signals to him. Or calling him. But I did think about it, as I stated in my opening post. I sympathize with him, if he is feeling sad/distraught/anxiety but I don't condone what he has done. I have to remember that while I have been left to pick up the pieces, he has a wife to help him through. In any case, I have decided not to further engage.

 

Thank you so much, Jenkins!

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This is a continuation of my responding to everyone who has responded to me :)

 

Vivir, I went to read all your posts, my feeling is your xMM is such a liar.

 

If he could lie/hide his wife's pregnancy from you, he doesn't value you at all. He wants to hide everything about his life from you, try to pretend to be a new or maybe perfect person to lure you. Nevertheless, it doesn't matter because you have developed your feelings for him, and that feeling is fantasy, that's why even when you discovered the ugly truth, you still cannot let go. If you were dating any single guy and you found out that they'd been lying to you, you would probably dump them already because that's real life.

 

Jolinb, you are likely correct. He may not value me at all. I think he hid the pregnancy - and then the baby - because he knew I would've cut off the affair and he wasn't ready for it to end. I experienced a huge amount of guilt for cutting him off even though he had lied to me. I thought he was my "friend." Interestingly enough, had we been actual friends, he would've had no reason to hide either... if we had been friends, I, too, would not have put him in the position of cheating on his wife. It has taken me quite a long time to process these associated feelings. This is the most progress I have made, and I am leaning toward being somewhat proud, considering how far I have actually come.

 

There are people who get a high from newness. They enjoy how an unknowing person sees them, reacts to them. It is possible he felt this, too. I can sympathize with him, but how I feel for him cannot supersede how I feel for me. It is a lesson learned that I am currently solidifying.

 

Just one comment about your body remembering him as yours. This is one of the main reasons I know I need to stay away. I would go so far as to call it a physical addiction. My body craved him and still does occasionally, but not with the intensity I used to feel. Going cold turkey and maintaining NC, for me, was the only way to break the physical addiction.

 

Hey Jah :) As you know, I did not go cold turkey at all... It was a drip-feed maneuver if ever there was one... I knew I was addicted to him, too, and I knew I needed to stay away. He, too, knew I needed to stay away. He used this knowledge against me this weekend, but he didn't get the desired response, I don't think. As I wrote to Jenkins, it is my plan to refuse further engagement and refrain from initiating with him. I am simply going right back to what I had been doing: no contact and working on myself.

 

Because you don't respect your own boundaries either so why should he?

 

Start loving and putting yourself first and please, do all that you can do stop having so much compassion for him. Find that compassion for yourself!

 

Fair enough, Whichwayisup. I deserve that. And by opening the door, I did ignore a boundary. But I am doing the best that I can. I am a work in progress.

 

Imo, a sincere man, who is serious about you, does not turn up at your home at 3 o'clock in the morning and storm off when he realises there will be no sex.

If he were serious about divorcing and being with you, he wouldn't need to manipulate and sneak up on you. He could easily email you proof of the divorce and ask you out on a proper date.

I get why you let him in, but you really shouldn't have.

Letting him in means you're still holding out hope for this realtionship to turn in to something more.

Now he knows it and will try to have another go at you.

Don't interact with him again. He has nothing to offer you.

You have been strong but you need to be even stronger.

 

Imsosad, I really appreciate your response. Thank you for your stern kindness.

If you ever run into any of my older posts, you will see that I have had the hardest time with Hope. Hope for me is dying a hard death. I have been forcing myself to give up, to realize that he isn't coming for me, that he never had my best interests at heart, that his marriage wasn't ending way back when he said it was and is very likely where he really wants to be. Usually, these realizations break me down for some time before I can get back up. But I think I am getting there, and I feel motivated to keep moving forward.

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Don't even think about readying yourself for it happening again. Work on your self esteem without him in mind. Seems to me 3 a.m. would be the time when you'd be least vulnerable. Because your guard should be up that something isn't right if someone comes to your door at that hour. I don't think I'd let any man in my house at 3 a.m. unless I was related to him. It's creepy.

 

If I were to hear a knock on my door after 11 p.m. and wasn't expecting anyone I'd get ready to call the police.

 

He disrespected you in an extreme manner by doing this but he couldn't have gotten away with it had your boundaries been healthy. So work on your boundaries with people. Then you won't need to be concerned about what he may or may not do because you'll know what you'll do and that's all that counts.

 

LivingWaterPlease, you're right. I have been working on boundaries. And I have been working on self-compassion. Self-esteem is still an enigma to me, unfortunately.

 

I agree with you that if I were sure about what I would do, then it wouldn't matter what he or anyone else does. My first reaction to someone knocking on my door is fear, thinking of calling the police, then ignoring and hoping they will go away, then curiosity... no one has ever done this to me since I have lived here, not strangers, not friends, not anyone...

 

I said I would call the police if he did this to me, but I didn't. I didn't have the heart.

 

I don't react well to many situations, so I like to think ahead about what I might do in certain situations. This works best for me, whether I have boundaries or not, I have to think about possibilities in advance.

 

Well, thank goodness that you are free from this man.

 

And next time, don't open the door and call the police. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, he will learn pretty fast that you do.

 

Thank you for the advice, BaileyB. I agree that it is important that I respect my boundaries. One of my best friends gave the same advice.

 

He was checking to see how much control he still has over you. One of my best friends in the world was involved with a married man. He would show up at her place at 2 and 3 am in the morning after the bars closed, but only if he couldn't find someone at the bar to go home with. She always let him in for sex, then he would go home to his wife. He just wants the power and control over you.

 

Aliveagain, you are likely correct. Some people get a taste of power and/or control and they cannot get enough! He may feel that he exerts some power over me, but I think this power is lessening significantly and he is having a serious problem with that.

 

How did your friend ever rid her life of this man?

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He came over at 3 in the morning. What an *********. He really thinks he is something special to just show up and think you would sleep with him.

 

Ughh, what a schmuck. I read some of your story and this guy is a pathological liar.

 

You may have answered the door but you didn't sleep with him. He left pissed because you didnt give in to him. You stayed strong and held your resolve.

 

You have the power, you just have to believe it.

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Thanks Ronnie, I really appreciate you responding :)

I agree with you; over time I found that he would lie about anything - didn't matter how simple or complex. It was one of the very first things for me that began to lift the affair fog.

A close male friend of mine opined that the entire event was a game.

I didn't know, but I know better next time if he or anyone else tries this.

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A close male friend of mine opined that the entire event was a game.

I didn't know, but I know better next time if he or anyone else tries this.

 

Yeah, it was a game to my MM for sure. He even asked me once, after a period of NC, if I wanted to keep playing "our game". Sick, sick stuff. You have to feel sorry for someone who is so empty inside that the only thrill they can get is f****** with someone else's emotions.

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LivingWaterPlease, you're right. I have been working on boundaries. And I have been working on self-compassion. Self-esteem is still an enigma to me, unfortunately.

 

I agree with you that if I were sure about what I would do, then it wouldn't matter what he or anyone else does. My first reaction to someone knocking on my door is fear, thinking of calling the police, then ignoring and hoping they will go away, then curiosity... no one has ever done this to me since I have lived here, not strangers, not friends, not anyone...

 

I said I would call the police if he did this to me, but I didn't. I didn't have the heart.

 

I don't react well to many situations, so I like to think ahead about what I might do in certain situations. This works best for me, whether I have boundaries or not, I have to think about possibilities in advance.

 

 

 

Thank you for the advice, BaileyB. I agree that it is important that I respect my boundaries. One of my best friends gave the same advice.

 

 

 

Aliveagain, you are likely correct. Some people get a taste of power and/or control and they cannot get enough! He may feel that he exerts some power over me, but I think this power is lessening significantly and he is having a serious problem with that.

 

How did your friend ever rid her life of this man?

 

She moved about a 1000 miles away. Spoke with her yesterday but I don't think she is completely over him. He finds ways to keep connected. Recently he tried to convince her to store his sports car in her extra garage claiming the warmer west coast weather is better for the car. This would allow him to fly out to drive it anytime he wants.

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Yeah, it was a game to my MM for sure. He even asked me once, after a period of NC, if I wanted to keep playing "our game". Sick, sick stuff. You have to feel sorry for someone who is so empty inside that the only thrill they can get is f****** with someone else's emotions.

 

Hey Jah! Look, I was told that it's highly likely xMM was also, in addition to everything else, working off of a cycle where he thinks that after a period of NC I would be ripe for the picking. That makes me angry as heck, for me and for you. I have real feelings for him, and I would not have done half of these things to him. That also makes me angry.

 

I was also told that it is very likely he had tried this same tactic with other women before or after trying with me during the same night...

 

That's just crazy. He has a young, beautiful wife at his house! In his bed! Hurt like *****, but my friend said... well, sometimes you want to drive a different car. Has nothing at all to do with me being special... just different from the same thing everyday...

 

I do pity him somewhat from afar. I see his behavior and way of thinking about me to be so selfish, but mostly the word 'immature' comes to mind. I am a grown woman. I am trying hard to be the opposite of immature. This immaturity would not fit well in my real life at all. Besides, f****** with someone else's emotions, especially when you know they care for you and/or are vulnerable is a low blow, cruel, irresponsible. I can no longer associate myself with people who think that this is OK.

 

 

[/b]

 

She moved about a 1000 miles away. Spoke with her yesterday but I don't think she is completely over him. He finds ways to keep connected. Recently he tried to convince her to store his sports car in her extra garage claiming the warmer west coast weather is better for the car. This would allow him to fly out to drive it anytime he wants.

 

aliveagain, I considered moving away to a new city. I was anxious about moving period - even if in the same city... and I might do that eventually. BUT I decided that if I were to move, it would have to be because that is what I really want, not because I was running away from something. I am not saying that your friend did this. But she let him keep contact with her, and now he is considering ways of using her big move to his benefit. I cut contact, and absolute NC would've continued to be in place through today had I moved. As soon as he was gone, I went right back to NC, but...

 

I really wonder how this all will meet its *true* end - for me and for your friend...

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Rule One for predatory MM is that it's always easier to keep an AP than it is

to find, groom and seduce a new AP. (Yes I have posted this advice/observation before). So don't read too much into this 3:00 am visit.

 

Good job on not providing what he was looking for. Had you screwed this up you would have demoted yourself to Booty Call. Keep working on NC. It took me

Multiple tries to quit smoking. You are or we're addicted to him. Get over the addiction. Like smoking you know it's not good for you!

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Thanks for your support, Darkmoon and Bufo :)

 

It happened a week ago, and I have been through the usual range of emotions, unfortunately.

 

Bufo, in the earliest stages of no contact, the sentiment that it is easier to keep an old AP than it is to groom and seduce a new one was one of the MAJOR ones that made me keep up NC. Before I read these then hurtful words, I thought I was special and we had something... considering these words helped me to be more realistic, too. Please, post your advice over and over, because people may not see it if they don't read all of your threads ;)

 

And Darkmoon, I promise, I am doing my best to keep looking forward and live my life :cool:

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