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So, xMM showed up at my home at 0300...


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 21st November 2017, 8:44 PM   #16
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This is a continuation of my responding to everyone who has responded to me

Quote:
Originally Posted by jolinb View Post
Vivir, I went to read all your posts, my feeling is your xMM is such a liar.

If he could lie/hide his wife's pregnancy from you, he doesn't value you at all. He wants to hide everything about his life from you, try to pretend to be a new or maybe perfect person to lure you. Nevertheless, it doesn't matter because you have developed your feelings for him, and that feeling is fantasy, that's why even when you discovered the ugly truth, you still cannot let go. If you were dating any single guy and you found out that they'd been lying to you, you would probably dump them already because that's real life.
Jolinb, you are likely correct. He may not value me at all. I think he hid the pregnancy - and then the baby - because he knew I would've cut off the affair and he wasn't ready for it to end. I experienced a huge amount of guilt for cutting him off even though he had lied to me. I thought he was my "friend." Interestingly enough, had we been actual friends, he would've had no reason to hide either... if we had been friends, I, too, would not have put him in the position of cheating on his wife. It has taken me quite a long time to process these associated feelings. This is the most progress I have made, and I am leaning toward being somewhat proud, considering how far I have actually come.

There are people who get a high from newness. They enjoy how an unknowing person sees them, reacts to them. It is possible he felt this, too. I can sympathize with him, but how I feel for him cannot supersede how I feel for me. It is a lesson learned that I am currently solidifying.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jah526 View Post
Just one comment about your body remembering him as yours. This is one of the main reasons I know I need to stay away. I would go so far as to call it a physical addiction. My body craved him and still does occasionally, but not with the intensity I used to feel. Going cold turkey and maintaining NC, for me, was the only way to break the physical addiction.
Hey Jah As you know, I did not go cold turkey at all... It was a drip-feed maneuver if ever there was one... I knew I was addicted to him, too, and I knew I needed to stay away. He, too, knew I needed to stay away. He used this knowledge against me this weekend, but he didn't get the desired response, I don't think. As I wrote to Jenkins, it is my plan to refuse further engagement and refrain from initiating with him. I am simply going right back to what I had been doing: no contact and working on myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
Because you don't respect your own boundaries either so why should he?

Start loving and putting yourself first and please, do all that you can do stop having so much compassion for him. Find that compassion for yourself!
Fair enough, Whichwayisup. I deserve that. And by opening the door, I did ignore a boundary. But I am doing the best that I can. I am a work in progress.

Quote:
Originally Posted by imsosad View Post
Imo, a sincere man, who is serious about you, does not turn up at your home at 3 o'clock in the morning and storm off when he realises there will be no sex.
If he were serious about divorcing and being with you, he wouldn't need to manipulate and sneak up on you. He could easily email you proof of the divorce and ask you out on a proper date.
I get why you let him in, but you really shouldn't have.
Letting him in means you're still holding out hope for this realtionship to turn in to something more.
Now he knows it and will try to have another go at you.
Don't interact with him again. He has nothing to offer you.
You have been strong but you need to be even stronger.
Imsosad, I really appreciate your response. Thank you for your stern kindness.
If you ever run into any of my older posts, you will see that I have had the hardest time with Hope. Hope for me is dying a hard death. I have been forcing myself to give up, to realize that he isn't coming for me, that he never had my best interests at heart, that his marriage wasn't ending way back when he said it was and is very likely where he really wants to be. Usually, these realizations break me down for some time before I can get back up. But I think I am getting there, and I feel motivated to keep moving forward.
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Old 21st November 2017, 9:02 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LivingWaterPlease View Post
Don't even think about readying yourself for it happening again. Work on your self esteem without him in mind. Seems to me 3 a.m. would be the time when you'd be least vulnerable. Because your guard should be up that something isn't right if someone comes to your door at that hour. I don't think I'd let any man in my house at 3 a.m. unless I was related to him. It's creepy.

If I were to hear a knock on my door after 11 p.m. and wasn't expecting anyone I'd get ready to call the police.

He disrespected you in an extreme manner by doing this but he couldn't have gotten away with it had your boundaries been healthy. So work on your boundaries with people. Then you won't need to be concerned about what he may or may not do because you'll know what you'll do and that's all that counts.
LivingWaterPlease, you're right. I have been working on boundaries. And I have been working on self-compassion. Self-esteem is still an enigma to me, unfortunately.

I agree with you that if I were sure about what I would do, then it wouldn't matter what he or anyone else does. My first reaction to someone knocking on my door is fear, thinking of calling the police, then ignoring and hoping they will go away, then curiosity... no one has ever done this to me since I have lived here, not strangers, not friends, not anyone...

I said I would call the police if he did this to me, but I didn't. I didn't have the heart.

I don't react well to many situations, so I like to think ahead about what I might do in certain situations. This works best for me, whether I have boundaries or not, I have to think about possibilities in advance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
Well, thank goodness that you are free from this man.

And next time, don't open the door and call the police. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, he will learn pretty fast that you do.
Thank you for the advice, BaileyB. I agree that it is important that I respect my boundaries. One of my best friends gave the same advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aliveagain View Post
He was checking to see how much control he still has over you. One of my best friends in the world was involved with a married man. He would show up at her place at 2 and 3 am in the morning after the bars closed, but only if he couldn't find someone at the bar to go home with. She always let him in for sex, then he would go home to his wife. He just wants the power and control over you.
Aliveagain, you are likely correct. Some people get a taste of power and/or control and they cannot get enough! He may feel that he exerts some power over me, but I think this power is lessening significantly and he is having a serious problem with that.

How did your friend ever rid her life of this man?
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Old 21st November 2017, 10:33 PM   #18
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He came over at 3 in the morning. What an *********. He really thinks he is something special to just show up and think you would sleep with him.

Ughh, what a schmuck. I read some of your story and this guy is a pathological liar.

You may have answered the door but you didn't sleep with him. He left pissed because you didnt give in to him. You stayed strong and held your resolve.

You have the power, you just have to believe it.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 7:40 AM   #19
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Thanks Ronnie, I really appreciate you responding
I agree with you; over time I found that he would lie about anything - didn't matter how simple or complex. It was one of the very first things for me that began to lift the affair fog.
A close male friend of mine opined that the entire event was a game.
I didn't know, but I know better next time if he or anyone else tries this.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 9:19 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivir View Post
A close male friend of mine opined that the entire event was a game.
I didn't know, but I know better next time if he or anyone else tries this.
Yeah, it was a game to my MM for sure. He even asked me once, after a period of NC, if I wanted to keep playing "our game". Sick, sick stuff. You have to feel sorry for someone who is so empty inside that the only thrill they can get is f****** with someone else's emotions.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 9:36 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivir View Post
LivingWaterPlease, you're right. I have been working on boundaries. And I have been working on self-compassion. Self-esteem is still an enigma to me, unfortunately.

I agree with you that if I were sure about what I would do, then it wouldn't matter what he or anyone else does. My first reaction to someone knocking on my door is fear, thinking of calling the police, then ignoring and hoping they will go away, then curiosity... no one has ever done this to me since I have lived here, not strangers, not friends, not anyone...

I said I would call the police if he did this to me, but I didn't. I didn't have the heart.

I don't react well to many situations, so I like to think ahead about what I might do in certain situations. This works best for me, whether I have boundaries or not, I have to think about possibilities in advance.



Thank you for the advice, BaileyB. I agree that it is important that I respect my boundaries. One of my best friends gave the same advice.



Aliveagain, you are likely correct. Some people get a taste of power and/or control and they cannot get enough! He may feel that he exerts some power over me, but I think this power is lessening significantly and he is having a serious problem with that.

How did your friend ever rid her life of this man?



She moved about a 1000 miles away. Spoke with her yesterday but I don't think she is completely over him. He finds ways to keep connected. Recently he tried to convince her to store his sports car in her extra garage claiming the warmer west coast weather is better for the car. This would allow him to fly out to drive it anytime he wants.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 10:21 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jah526 View Post
Yeah, it was a game to my MM for sure. He even asked me once, after a period of NC, if I wanted to keep playing "our game". Sick, sick stuff. You have to feel sorry for someone who is so empty inside that the only thrill they can get is f****** with someone else's emotions.
Hey Jah! Look, I was told that it's highly likely xMM was also, in addition to everything else, working off of a cycle where he thinks that after a period of NC I would be ripe for the picking. That makes me angry as heck, for me and for you. I have real feelings for him, and I would not have done half of these things to him. That also makes me angry.

I was also told that it is very likely he had tried this same tactic with other women before or after trying with me during the same night...

That's just crazy. He has a young, beautiful wife at his house! In his bed! Hurt like *****, but my friend said... well, sometimes you want to drive a different car. Has nothing at all to do with me being special... just different from the same thing everyday...

I do pity him somewhat from afar. I see his behavior and way of thinking about me to be so selfish, but mostly the word 'immature' comes to mind. I am a grown woman. I am trying hard to be the opposite of immature. This immaturity would not fit well in my real life at all. Besides, f****** with someone else's emotions, especially when you know they care for you and/or are vulnerable is a low blow, cruel, irresponsible. I can no longer associate myself with people who think that this is OK.


Quote:
Originally Posted by aliveagain View Post
[/B]

She moved about a 1000 miles away. Spoke with her yesterday but I don't think she is completely over him. He finds ways to keep connected. Recently he tried to convince her to store his sports car in her extra garage claiming the warmer west coast weather is better for the car. This would allow him to fly out to drive it anytime he wants.
aliveagain, I considered moving away to a new city. I was anxious about moving period - even if in the same city... and I might do that eventually. BUT I decided that if I were to move, it would have to be because that is what I really want, not because I was running away from something. I am not saying that your friend did this. But she let him keep contact with her, and now he is considering ways of using her big move to his benefit. I cut contact, and absolute NC would've continued to be in place through today had I moved. As soon as he was gone, I went right back to NC, but...

I really wonder how this all will meet its *true* end - for me and for your friend...
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Old 23rd November 2017, 11:09 AM   #23
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you handled all this well, do not look back, just live your life
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Old 25th November 2017, 5:43 PM   #24
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Rule One for predatory MM is that it's always easier to keep an AP than it is
to find, groom and seduce a new AP. (Yes I have posted this advice/observation before). So don't read too much into this 3:00 am visit.

Good job on not providing what he was looking for. Had you screwed this up you would have demoted yourself to Booty Call. Keep working on NC. It took me
Multiple tries to quit smoking. You are or we're addicted to him. Get over the addiction. Like smoking you know it's not good for you!
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Old 26th November 2017, 7:15 AM   #25
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Thanks for your support, Darkmoon and Bufo

It happened a week ago, and I have been through the usual range of emotions, unfortunately.

Bufo, in the earliest stages of no contact, the sentiment that it is easier to keep an old AP than it is to groom and seduce a new one was one of the MAJOR ones that made me keep up NC. Before I read these then hurtful words, I thought I was special and we had something... considering these words helped me to be more realistic, too. Please, post your advice over and over, because people may not see it if they don't read all of your threads

And Darkmoon, I promise, I am doing my best to keep looking forward and live my life
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Old 28th November 2017, 6:23 PM   #26
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Vivir,

Wow, I see that you posted this a week ago but I am just now seeing it as I'm on LS less often these days. What a mess! I am sorry that your xMM put you in this situation, but I hope you haven't beaten yourself up about it too much. It seems to me that you handled this as well as possible under the circumstances. You showed him compassion (more than he deserves) and now you're showing yourself compassion (we're all allowed to be weak sometimes.) Ultimately, you did not sleep with him, you did not resume the unhealthy affair. I'm proud of you for that.

You are such a tremendous source of strength for so many of us, and I hope you're feeling worlds better now than you were right after this happened.

BW
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Old 29th November 2017, 2:45 AM   #27
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Hi there BreakingWave!

Thank you so much for your support and kind words!

Yeah, xMM... well... yesterday morning I had a bout with self-doubt. I pulled out my Christmas decorations and there was a bag, and in the bag was a note to xMM from two years ago. In it, I was thanking him for being my friend when I needed a friend. For a little while, I was sad. Then I realized these facts:

* The bag and the note were still with me, because he would not have been able to explain them to his wife, whose feelings he obviously wanted to protect while still doing his dirt, even though he took the gifts.

* He never once bought or gave me a gift.

* I spent a great deal of time, effort, energy, care and money on a person who didn't reciprocate but was actively spending those things on another person while I was doing it...

* About the friendship: the words he gave me were meant to keep me hooked so I would willingly service him; he showed up in person to take, not give.

* He and his wife had a baby not even a month later - a pregnancy and newborn he hid only from me and none of our other co-workers.

* I should spend my time right now on something else altogether... cue happy Christmas music and a telephone call to my brother and his wife and daughter.

Still was a little sad, but mostly because I am still having some trouble trusting my judgment and worrying about moving on...

In any case,
I am still so excited about your passing the Bar and I am wondering what prospects you're lining up for yourself career-wise. I also wonder about how you're progressing with your healing after this terrible, tumultuous summer.

I always assume that when people disappear from LS they are doing much better I hope that is the case for you!
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Old 30th November 2017, 5:30 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivir View Post

I always assume that when people disappear from LS they are doing much better I hope that is the case for you!
I wish! In my case it's fear of sounding like a broken record and being ashamed of my *lack* of real progress. Won't tie up your thread with all that, though!

I love the way you bounced back from this and talked yourself through it though, for sure. :-)
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Old 30th November 2017, 6:35 PM   #29
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I wish! In my case it's fear of sounding like a broken record and being ashamed of my *lack* of real progress. Won't tie up your thread with all that, though!

I love the way you bounced back from this and talked yourself through it though, for sure. :-)
(((BreakingWave)))

I remember your posts from a few months back and often think about you.

PLEASE repeat, re-post, vent and sound like a broken record as much as you need to. Don't shy away, that's exactly what LS is for. Most of us have been or are going through similar types of hurt/recovery and we understand. At two years after the end of my A, I am only now truly starting to feel significantly better..... And there is still such a long way to go. Like you, I've often worried about sounding like a broken record, but LS members continue to support me, either through kindness or tough love. Please stay with us!

Vivir, sorry for the t/j. I'm so proud of you. The strength, clarity and determination coming through your latest posts is so heart lifting! It brings a happy tear to my eye! I know it's not easy, but you are moving mountains right now! Keep going girl. You've got this! You have momentum now - keep building it up! Yes, try to get through this Christmas and know that NEXT Christmas, you could almost be your old self again - with all that extra wisdom, strength and experience with which to conquer the world!
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Old 9th December 2017, 4:31 PM   #30
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How are you doing, Vivir?
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