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So, xMM showed up at my home at 0300...


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Old 21st November 2017, 7:53 AM   #1
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So, xMM showed up at my home at 0300...

...rousing me from my sleep,
and I let him in.

Poppy mentioned in the thread started by kick_theleaves that she couldn't allow her xAP anywhere near her because of how she reacts to him. I knew I would react the same, and xMM knew it, too. This is why he did this. He also did it because he can...

By doing this, he has also learned that he can simply show up at my home unannounced at any time with no consequences. For a split second, I had considered calling the police. But my instinct was to open the door. I felt it would be cruel to call them, and I felt it would be cruel to ignore him. Of course, I would wager that I would not have such a warm welcome if I were to show up at his house for any reason and/or at any time... I also said I would tell his wife if he showed up to my home... but I don't think I am going to do that either. I just want to move on and be over it.

He told me he just wanted to check on me. He hadn't heard anything from me.
He said he just wanted to make sure I was OK.
He said he had asked my co-worker to ask me if I would call him. I got that message, but actively ignored it and carried on with no contact. It was ridiculous. If he had lost or damaged his phone, how did he magically have my co-worker's phone number...

He responded in (fake?) shock and disbelief when I told him I had planned never to contact him again, like he was hurt by my words. He said, "Well, at least you are honest." I told him I had no reason to lie to him.
When I asked him questions about his past behavior and actions toward me, he replied with redirection, as usual, and attempted to turn things around on me. Or he gave answers to questions I hadn't asked. He also pretended not to understand the disrespect to me by showing up unannounced and in the middle of the night. Exclaiming "So what?!" when I kept harping on this fact.

I know he doesn't respect my boundaries. He was hoping to press the reset button. Perhaps he was hoping for me to stroke parts of his body like I have done in the past. Thank God I didn't do that.

But I have been suffering from asking the What If questions... like what if he is being sincere?

I did however give him a massive ego stroke by sharing exactly how I have been feeling during this period of no contact. I turned on the light in the living room and let him see the mess I had failed to clean up before bed. I read parts of my journal. I told him I still had feelings for him.

He gave me a hug, and I hugged him back. I couldn't help it. I wanted him to hug me, and I wanted to hug him back. Even though my mind knows that he is unavailable, he is someone's husband, my body remembers him as mine. This is a terrible feeling.

He tried to sell me on having divorced his wife, but brought no evidence. When he touched me inappropriately, I flew into a rage and accused him of coming over just to have sex with me, for thinking that is all I am good for. I told him emphatically not to come back and not to call if he was not serious about me. He stormed out and drove off without looking back but not before admonishing me about how my actions should match my words. I have a problem with him saying that to me, as I have stayed away from him and he purposely invaded my space!

Although I was able to get back to sleep, my emotions went haywire after I woke up. Because I have been actively processing my feelings and working on myself since the end of the affair, I was able to calm myself down and be patient with myself without resorting to calling him to "clarify" or "give him a piece of my mind." Maybe we are both having a hard time letting go and moving on. I admit that I have compassion for his possible hurting, but I cannot allow my compassion for him to supersede the compassion I have for me. I have also resolved to continue no contact and not to answer the door if he does it again. It has happened, and cannot be undone. So, a resolution is all I can do.

OK, fellow LoveShackers, I have put on my protective gear, now let me have it...
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Old 21st November 2017, 8:03 AM   #2
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He came to check up on you to make sure there was no other man in your bed, is my guess.
...and yes he was hoping for sex too...
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Old 21st November 2017, 8:15 AM   #3
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I am sorry you had to experience this. Pure narcissist trying to turn things back on you and invade your space. Good on you for sticking up for yourself. ((hugs))
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Old 21st November 2017, 9:19 AM   #4
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How awful. One of my biggest xmm fears is that he shows up at my door (with no divorce papers in hand). At the safety of my home. Where I am most vulnerable.

These men are unbelievable. After all that he has the nerve to show up at your place and proclaim 'the divorce is near Vivir!'. Ugh. What a jack***.

True, he probably is missing you...but not in the way you are missing him. He was hoping to get sex and/or restart the affair.

But now you see what he really wanted all along. He made that very clear with this visit. It doesn't ease the pain at all but maybe the picture and the 'whys' are a little clearer.

Keep moving forward V. You got this!
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Old 21st November 2017, 9:29 AM   #5
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Quote:
I admit that I have compassion for his possible hurting, but I cannot allow my compassion for him to supersede the compassion I have for me.
This. Always remember this. You di not allow him to make you a booty call. Now, resolve that you will not answer the door if he ever comes calling again.
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Old 21st November 2017, 10:10 AM   #6
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(((Vivir))) I really feel for you - that was traumatic and must have left you feeling very emotionally fragile and confused. The ripples will last a few days, but you'll get past it and good for you for saying that you will not open the door for him if he tries it again.

A few specific thoughts below: -

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivir View Post
I would wager that I would not have such a warm welcome if I were to show up at his house for any reason and/or at any time...
Absolutely. If he and his wife are in reconciliation (? - sorry, I don't know your full back story), then I can only imagine his horror if you were to turn up at his door. This makes it even more cruel and selfish of him to do it to you and an abuse of the affair dynamic.

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Originally Posted by Vivir View Post
He told me he just wanted to check on me. He hadn't heard anything from me. He said he just wanted to make sure I was OK. He said he had asked my co-worker to ask me if I would call him.
Unbelievably lame reasons. Straight out of MM 101 handbook!

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Originally Posted by Vivir View Post
I know he doesn't respect my boundaries. He was hoping to press the reset button. Perhaps he was hoping for me to stroke parts of his body like I have done in the past. Thank God I didn't do that.
Yes, I think you are spot on with what you say. Well done for standing your ground.

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Originally Posted by Vivir View Post
But I have been suffering from asking the What If questions... like what if he is being sincere?
As a former MM in an affair myself, I would suggest that he probably WAS being sincere, at least in some ways. I mean, he probably does still think and care for you a lot and there probably was an element of wanting to check on you to see if you were okay and show you he still cares. This is how I felt myself post A (although I didn't show up at her place). But even if there is an element of sincerity, what he did is still totally wrong. He didn't respect your boundaries, he's set back your recovery several days, he probably did also have other less honourable intentions (as well as the genuine ones) and, bottom line...he's still not leaving his wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivir View Post
Maybe we are both having a hard time letting go and moving on. I admit that I have compassion for his possible hurting
Again, from my own experience as an MM in an affair, I am very confident that he is indeed having problems moving on and has genuine feelings for you. He may well love you in his own way. This is the mess MMs get ourselves into. We often start affairs with our head in the clouds not worrying about consequences and thinking that it "will all be ok". Then we wake up one day to realise that massive damage has already been done, feelings have developed, decisions have to be made - and none of the options result in a happy result for everyone. Typically, we realise that we "can't" leave our wives, but at the same time we will not let go of the OW and are addicted to the affair. It's a no-win situation and heartbreak for at least one person (usually several) is almost guaranteed. It's an awful situation to be in - I know that from experience. But no sympathy for the MM here - it is a situation completely of our own making and we should have engaged brain right at the beginning. In fairness, this can also often be said of the OW, who should share responsibility. The exception being when the MM lied and future-faked right from the word go. OK, I'm starting to waffle here...I'm just trying to make the point that yes, it is, in all likelyhood, tough for him too!

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Originally Posted by Vivir View Post
He tried to sell me on having divorced his wife, but brought no evidence.
OK, just let me play devil’s advocate here for a minute….

So he actually categorically said that he has divorced his wife? Past tense? Do you think there could be even a 1% chance that this is true? And either way, could this be a possible route to closure for you? What I mean is that either he is telling a complete and HUGE lie, or he genuinely has left his wife.

How about calling him out on it? Maybe a text to the effect “MM, the other day you told me you had divorced your wife. If this is genuinely true, send me documentary evidence and then perhaps we can discuss further. If not, then you have told me yet another huge lie in order to manipulate me. In which case please never dare contact me in any form ever again.”

IDK, possibly not the best idea – just thinking out loud!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivir View Post
I cannot allow my compassion for him to supersede the compassion I have for me. I have also resolved to continue no contact and not to answer the door if he does it again. It has happened, and cannot be undone. So, a resolution is all I can do.
Good for you Vivir. Be strong, stick to the path and you will be OK! We are here for you.

Last edited by jenkins95; 21st November 2017 at 10:19 AM..
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Old 21st November 2017, 10:47 AM   #7
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Vivir, I went to read all your posts, my feeling is your xMM is such a liar.

If he could lie/hide his wife's pregnancy from you, he doesn't value you at all. He wants to hide everything about his life from you, try to pretend to be a new or maybe perfect person to lure you. Nevertheless, it doesn't matter because you have developed your feelings for him, and that feeling is fantasy, that's why even when you discovered the ugly truth, you still cannot let go. If you were dating any single guy and you found out that they'd been lying to you, you would probably dump them already because that's real life.
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Old 21st November 2017, 10:53 AM   #8
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Just one comment about your body remembering him as yours. This is one of the main reasons I know I need to stay away. I would go so far as to call it a physical addiction. My body craved him and still does occasionally, but not with the intensity I used to feel. Going cold turkey and maintaining NC, for me, was the only way to break the physical addiction.
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Old 21st November 2017, 10:59 AM   #9
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Quote:
I know he doesn't respect my boundaries.
Because you don't respect your own boundaries either so why should he?

Start loving and putting yourself first and please, do all that you can do stop having so much compassion for him. Find that compassion for yourself!
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Old 21st November 2017, 12:05 PM   #10
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Imo, a sincere man, who is serious about you, does not turn up at your home at 3 o'clock in the morning and storm off when he realises there will be no sex.
If he were serious about divorcing and being with you, he wouldn't need to manipulate and sneak up on you. He could easily email you proof of the divorce and ask you out on a proper date.
I get why you let him in, but you really shouldn't have.
Letting him in means you're still holding out hope for this realtionship to turn in to something more.
Now he knows it and will try to have another go at you.
Don't interact with him again. He has nothing to offer you.
You have been strong but you need to be even stronger.
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Old 21st November 2017, 7:42 PM   #11
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I get so excited when I see replies to my threads and postings Thanks everybody!

It turns out I would have been well within my right not to answer the door at all. We live and we learn. This happened over the weekend, and I am doing pretty well on Tuesday. I think that means I'm making some real progress in my attempts to move on. I want to take the time to reply to everyone

Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
He came to check up on you to make sure there was no other man in your bed, is my guess.
...and yes he was hoping for sex too...
Well, that is disappointing, considering that he has had another woman in his bed since the very beginning. I would've been embarrassed had someone else been at my place, but I don't think I would've answered the door... In any case, I am so glad I did not give him the thing he probably very much wanted. Now he can see how it feels to be left completely unsatisfied and ashamed after a meeting with me. That sounds like revenge though, doesn't it?

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Originally Posted by whattodo77 View Post
I am sorry you had to experience this. Pure narcissist trying to turn things back on you and invade your space. Good on you for sticking up for yourself. ((hugs))
Thanks whattodo77! This whole thing has been kind of anticlimactic for me, considering that I did so many "wrong" things while (struggling) standing up for myself. It would've been so much better had he not shown up at all...

Quote:
Originally Posted by What_Did_I_Do View Post
How awful. One of my biggest xmm fears is that he shows up at my door (with no divorce papers in hand). At the safety of my home. Where I am most vulnerable.

These men are unbelievable. After all that he has the nerve to show up at your place and proclaim 'the divorce is near Vivir!'. Ugh. What a jack***.

True, he probably is missing you...but not in the way you are missing him. He was hoping to get sex and/or restart the affair.

But now you see what he really wanted all along. He made that very clear with this visit. It doesn't ease the pain at all but maybe the picture and the 'whys' are a little clearer.

Keep moving forward V. You got this!
Thank you for responding WDID

I agree. He totally came at me when I would be most vulnerable: I mean, 3AM!! At my home... He likely had been hoping I wouldn't resist him at all. Even I don't understand his logic since we have been in absolute no contact for such a long while.

Moreover, he did not proclaim the divorce was near. He stated verbatim that I should congratulate him as he is now divorced! Of course, he brought no divorce decree nor did he volunteer to provide one.

Even still, I view him as not being self-aware, and it is destructive to date someone like this if you are self-aware... he would need some time to grieve his failed marriage and process his pain... he would not be in a position to be with me even if he weren't lying... I don't know if he was or wasn't... at this point, I am not sure I care. I care more about whether or not I have been set back by this occurrence.

Thank you, WDID, for the support!

Quote:
Originally Posted by BTDT2012 View Post
This. Always remember this. You di not allow him to make you a booty call. Now, resolve that you will not answer the door if he ever comes calling again.
BTDT, I swear, for me, that is the one highlight of the entire event. During the entirety of our affair, I was never once able to resist him when he was standing right in front of me. I was far too attracted, comfortable in my own space, selfish, you name it. He always got what he wanted from me (adoration, the best sex I could provide, food, even some small amounts of money, etc.) I suppose it is very difficult for him to be denied those things that were so freely given by a willing someone for so long. All the while, I was left drained and depleted. Well. Not anymore.

I am going to work very hard to ready myself for this happening again, but hopefully he won't do it again
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Old 21st November 2017, 8:02 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Vivir View Post

I am going to work very hard to ready myself for this happening again, but hopefully he won't do it again
Don't even think about readying yourself for it happening again. Work on your self esteem without him in mind. Seems to me 3 a.m. would be the time when you'd be least vulnerable. Because your guard should be up that something isn't right if someone comes to your door at that hour. I don't think I'd let any man in my house at 3 a.m. unless I was related to him. It's creepy.

If I were to hear a knock on my door after 11 p.m. and wasn't expecting anyone I'd get ready to call the police.

He disrespected you in an extreme manner by doing this but he couldn't have gotten away with it had your boundaries been healthy. So work on your boundaries with people. Then you won't need to be concerned about what he may or may not do because you'll know what you'll do and that's all that counts.
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Old 21st November 2017, 8:03 PM   #13
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Well, thank goodness that you are free from this man.

And next time, don't open the door and call the police. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, he will learn pretty fast that you do.
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Old 21st November 2017, 8:11 PM   #14
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He was checking to see how much control he still has over you. One of my best friends in the world was involved with a married man. He would show up at her place at 2 and 3 am in the morning after the bars closed, but only if he couldn't find someone at the bar to go home with. She always let him in for sex, then he would go home to his wife. He just wants the power and control over you.
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Old 21st November 2017, 8:17 PM   #15
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Gosh, Jenkins, I feel honored that you took so much time and effort to respond to my post. Thank you for your support and helpful sentiments. I really do appreciate it all.

I was quite confused about a number of things that happened: mostly that he had nothing new to say, yet he showed up like we had been communicating very recently and I just disappeared... this is not what happened. I couldn't be his friend, and he wasn't willing to try to be mine without the possibility of sex. We agreed months ago that we had arrived at an impasse and there was nowhere else to go AND that we would end contact. And no contact is where we have been...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jenkins95 View Post
This makes it even more cruel and selfish of him to do it to you and an abuse of the affair dynamic.

As a former MM in an affair myself, I would suggest that he probably WAS being sincere, at least in some ways. I mean, he probably does still think and care for you a lot and there probably was an element of wanting to check on you to see if you were okay and show you he still cares. This is how I felt myself post A (although I didn't show up at her place). But even if there is an element of sincerity, what he did is still totally wrong. He didn't respect your boundaries, he's set back your recovery several days, he probably did also have other less honourable intentions (as well as the genuine ones) and, bottom line...he's still not leaving his wife.

...

But no sympathy for the MM here - it is a situation completely of our own making and we should have engaged brain right at the beginning. In fairness, this can also often be said of the OW, who should share responsibility.

...

I'm just trying to make the point that yes, it is, in all likelyhood, tough for him too!

...

So he actually categorically said that he has divorced his wife? Past tense? Do you think there could be even a 1% chance that this is true? And either way, could this be a possible route to closure for you? What I mean is that either he is telling a complete and HUGE lie, or he genuinely has left his wife.

How about calling him out on it? Maybe a text to the effect “MM, the other day you told me you had divorced your wife. If this is genuinely true, send me documentary evidence and then perhaps we can discuss further. If not, then you have told me yet another huge lie in order to manipulate me. In which case please never dare contact me in any form ever again.”

IDK, possibly not the best idea – just thinking out loud!
I felt agitation and anxiety to some degree within the first 12 hours or so, but I have felt surprisingly OK since then... I mean, I realize that I didn't do everything "right" but I didn't dishonor myself by falling back with him in knowing that wasn't what I wanted to do.

Thank you for spelling out concisely that what he did was cruel and selfish, since he knew how I felt about him and how difficult it has been for me to come to terms with what happened between us.

He stated verbatim that I should congratulate him as he is now divorced! Of course, he brought no divorce decree nor did he volunteer to provide one. I told him that I didn't believe him.

You know... one of the key aspects I have been dealing with in processing what happened between us has been my responsibility as the xOW. I apologized to him, on more than one occasion, but specifically as I ended the affair, because I felt that I selfishly allowed him to come into my life in this highly inappropriate way just to let him go after we used each other up. I know that he made decisions, too, but the extent of my guilt up til now has been toward him. If I had not said YES to the affair, he would not have known me in this way, and whatever course his marriage was to take, it would not have involved me at all. He also would not be suffering this loss, if he really is. He would not be feeling this rejection, if he really is. I do feel guilty for these things and everything associated with it. But since I have been processing everything, I realize my guilt has lifted somewhat. Or I have worked through it. But if he shows up like he did, it all comes flooding back... for a minute anyway. Then I realize that what he has done (showing up) was not a decision he made because I did something, it was because he wanted to do it.

I have decided to let it go. I am not sending any texts or smoke signals to him. Or calling him. But I did think about it, as I stated in my opening post. I sympathize with him, if he is feeling sad/distraught/anxiety but I don't condone what he has done. I have to remember that while I have been left to pick up the pieces, he has a wife to help him through. In any case, I have decided not to further engage.

Thank you so much, Jenkins!
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