LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

My EA has transitioned to PA plus I've asked for divorce


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree440Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 7th November 2017, 3:05 PM   #46
Established Member
 
wmacbride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3,040
Quote:
Originally Posted by niteandfog View Post
I saw him tonight... there was lust, longing, a lot of giggles, sighing... and the obvious "I don't want to leave..." Things got steamy - on his end- so I'm guessing he still wants to have sex eventually

If you do decide to go down that route, remember that you can't unring the bell. You are at a crossroad now, and whatever decision you make will be 100 percent on you.

It's not the mm fault.
It's not your husband's fault.
It's not the fault of society, the institution of marriage or anything else.

It's 100 percent on your shoulders. Is that a weight you really want to have to carry? If you do decide to take the step of having sex with him, what will you do if it doesn't work out and that really was all he was after?

Is it him that you really have feelings for, or is it the sense of freedom, the difference between him and your husband, the way he might remind you of an easier time in your life, etc.?

I don't mean to pick at you, but you sound like you are living in a bad situation and are looking for an escape. I would hate to see you think that's what this guy will be, only to have it blow up in your face.

Having him to go to might make leaving your marriage easier, but is that really helpful? Are you just going to be going from the fat pan and into the fire? Would you be better off learning to stand on your own two feet all by yourself, without needing support from anyone?

Only you can answer all of that. What do YOU want?
__________________
"You don't to be invisible to disappear"- Rebecca McNutt
wmacbride is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 3:14 PM   #47
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 130
he was an unexpected surprise in my life. No it's not that "he's not my husband" that I like. i like HIM. He's totally my type. I told my sister about him and she got all excited about it all because he's a good match for me. but he's never going to leave his wife (well I haven't asked, but statistically I know that's the case).

It's just unfortunate I didn't meet him 10 years ago
niteandfog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 3:18 PM   #48
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 548
Quote:
Originally Posted by niteandfog View Post
he was an unexpected surprise in my life. No it's not that "he's not my husband" that I like. i like HIM. He's totally my type. I told my sister about him and she got all excited about it all because he's a good match for me. but he's never going to leave his wife (well I haven't asked, but statistically I know that's the case).

It's just unfortunate I didn't meet him 10 years ago
So what are you going to do about it? What have you learned from the 4 pages of advice you're received so far?
Birdies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 3:29 PM   #49
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,153
Quote:
Originally Posted by Birdies View Post
So what are you going to do about it? What have you learned from the 4 pages of advice you're received so far?
Apparently nothing.

In all the years I've had my life altered by infidelity, I have only once seen someone talked out of going physical, and it happened right here on this site. I'm not seeing that with this one. She has her blinders on and has no cares or worries about the impeding chaos looming.
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 4:17 PM   #50
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 130
Maybe I'm losing the plot, but isn't going physical irrelevant at this point? Besides we DID sexual stuff today, it was not all cuddles and kisses.
niteandfog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 4:51 PM   #51
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 2,175
Quote:
Originally Posted by niteandfog View Post
Maybe I'm losing the plot, but isn't going physical irrelevant at this point? Besides we DID sexual stuff today, it was not all cuddles and kisses.
Congratulations?
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 4:51 PM   #52
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,876
Quote:
Originally Posted by Birdies View Post
So what are you going to do about it? What have you learned from the 4 pages of advice you're received so far?
Absolutely nothing. She hasn't heard a single word that has been spoken...

It's not possible for someone to be this dense...
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 5:34 PM   #53
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 130
I just want to fall in love again, which I am. And I know it's morally wrong and all that jazz. We're both caught in this
niteandfog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 5:56 PM   #54
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 989
Quote:
Originally Posted by niteandfog View Post
I just want to fall in love again, which I am. And I know it's morally wrong and all that jazz. We're both caught in this
I find your tone so strange. Like you want this to be something more than it is, but not in the typical angsty woman-wants-MM kind of way. You don't even describe this MM in flattering ways, and yet, you're falling "in love." You seem very flat. You seem focused on hoping he still wants sex from you. I'm confused, frankly.

If your husband is abusive and you are all nonchalant about filing for divorce, do it then. Make it happen.

If you really think this MM is all that, then you are throwing away your chances for an actual relationship in real life...or at least you are throwing away your BEST chance for one. Because if you proceed with an affair, it will likely be discovered. I don't know the age of your children, but what will they think about mommy and MM if you ever get the chance to be together?
Imagine how much BETTER it would be if you didn't have to deal with that issue?

What's the hold up? What do you think he's lying about? "The love"? You know, even if he isn't lying, it won't matter much if he doesn't do anything about it.

If your husband is abusive, don't you just want out, regardless of whether this MM comes through for you? You need to get that figured out, because most likely he's just looking to feel good for now.

What did you mean, BTW, that he hunted you down through social media. You said you are in a running club together?

I really do hope you know what you're doing.
Southern Sun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 5:57 PM   #55
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,360
Quote:
Originally Posted by niteandfog View Post
he was an unexpected surprise in my life. No it's not that "he's not my husband" that I like. i like HIM. He's totally my type. I told my sister about him and she got all excited about it all because he's a good match for me. but he's never going to leave his wife (well I haven't asked, but statistically I know that's the case).
When are you going to leave your husband?
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 6:12 PM   #56
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 130
Im leaving him after Christmas.

the MM is everything I wanted in my "youth" (although i'm still pretty young). i want that everything he's said to me is actually real and not some excuse to get in my pants. Which with the best of my spidey senses I think it is actually real? We talk about the most pointless things, like what we're doing that precise moment .

I tried to avoid talking about our kids, but now we talk about them, he even actively asks about mine.

yes' we're in a running club together. but he aded me to social media even before that happened ( I think it was e who added him as my contact in the running app). Anyways he kept commenting on my stuff and then one day we actually started having a conversation.

In person he's one of the shyest people I know. He'll barely talk to anyone, not even a hello.
niteandfog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 6:25 PM   #57
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,876
With all due respect, you are making the decisions with the emotional maturity of a teenage girl... and you don't have the right to do this.

You have a responsibility to your children. Don't ever forget that.
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 6:34 PM   #58
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 45
In reading your post, I could have written it myself. I rationalize. I reason every minute detail. Iíve felt like my story is different and these feelings MUST be genuine. But Iím realizing my story is NOT different. My story is just like the othersí that eventually ended badly. It just hasnít gotten there yet. I still havenít rationalized myself out of the A despite my ďopened eyesĒ. Because Iím scared to let the feeling go. So i realize its not HIM. It never was HIM. Itís something within myself. Something I was yearning for, searching for. If it wasnít him, it could have been anyone else who gave me that attention. (I think you said that In one of your postings). You say you have so much in common with your AP and this is why you feel how you do. I have nothing in common with my AP but I still feel exactly how you feel towards yours.

I have decided that I need to work on myself before I give myself to someone. And once I know who I am outside of my emotionally abusive and alcoholic marriage, then I will have the ability to make sound decisions in indulging in a wild and passionate love story. Because for now I am suppressing my feelings of a bad marriage, I am suppressing my own issues and I am giving ALL to the A that is just a cover up for my disappointment and dissatisfaction in my real life. Itís easy to latch on to something that feels so good. Itís a high. Itís what I have learned is called limerence. Read up on it if you havenít. Start with you and then give to someone else. But, my advice doesnít mean much when I am in a similar place that you are. The only difference is I am no longer making excuses or looking through rose tinted glasses as why this is right for me. I am starting to figure out how I must work on understanding why this is NOT right for me or my H or my children.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jenkins95 View Post
however much pleasure, excitement, sex and "love" you are getting out of it, if you have any kind of conscience and moral compass at all, it messes with your head terribly - lots of sleepless nights and being lost in thoughts of confusion and guilt. For some men, connection or not, this just gets too much for them and they realise that the A is taking more out of them than it is giving back.
Jenkins is right. If youíre not here yet, you will get here. It messes with your head. It makes you question and dissect and overthink and obsess to a point where itís takes more out of you than the high from the A. If youíre here in LS, itís likely already messing with your head.

Thereís a lot of sound advice on LS. A lot of stories through the years and they are all similar. Thereís always a bad ending. Thereís always that story that starts with ďnow that I look back in retrospect...)

Allow for self realization and self discovery. This all needs to be about you. Not him. Not what heís thinking or what he wants. Only then will you stop asking if all he wanted was sex then why would he do this or say that. This should be about you not hi

Good luck.
grass-hopper is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 7:19 PM   #59
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 2,175
Quote:
Originally Posted by niteandfog View Post
Im leaving him after Christmas.

the MM is everything I wanted in my "youth" (although i'm still pretty young). i want that everything he's said to me is actually real and not some excuse to get in my pants. Which with the best of my spidey senses I think it is actually real? We talk about the most pointless things, like what we're doing that precise moment .

I tried to avoid talking about our kids, but now we talk about them, he even actively asks about mine.

yes' we're in a running club together. but he aded me to social media even before that happened ( I think it was e who added him as my contact in the running app). Anyways he kept commenting on my stuff and then one day we actually started having a conversation.

In person he's one of the shyest people I know. He'll barely talk to anyone, not even a hello.
With all due respect, you sound very immature.
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 7:29 PM   #60
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 4,249
Quote:
I'm having an EA with a MM (I'm married too) how to know he's not lying?
I'm sorry but reading this question made me lol

You know the story that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, it is a duck... well this same theory also applies to the married person cheating. If they are married and cheating they are a liar!
ladydesigner is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
[I was] Asked for a divorce DevastatedDiva Separation and Divorce 146 22nd May 2016 9:45 AM
I asked for divorce Amillionpieces Infidelity 34 8th February 2016 9:02 AM
He asked me for a divorce EmptyinNV Separation and Divorce 28 30th September 2012 12:40 PM
So I asked for a divorce... now what? guiltofone Separation and Divorce 0 18th July 2011 1:24 PM
Well, It's Official: He's asked for a divorce Callisto484 Separation and Divorce 8 4th May 2011 2:35 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:28 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.